A few months back my mil suffered her first stroke, she recouped but quickly had another. We had to move her 5 hours up to where we live so we can keep an eye on her. Since her arrival she has turned our house upside down. She was never a good mom, always so verbally & mentally abusive to all her kids and now their spouses. Unfortunately I am in her war path now. She argues with my husband that I am a thief, she currently thinks I have her sweater, but I have been accused of stealing her scissors and a hair brush. She has some mental health issues schizophrenia & we think the start of dementia. She hasn’t been physical, but has rushed at me like she was going to hit me. However, to my understanding she has accused people all her life of stealing things. I guess my question is, how do I support my husband in wanting to help his mom but how do I protect myself as well? We are all heading on vacation in 2 weeks for my birthday & I don’t even want to go if she is going to be there. I’d rather take the week by myself for my birthday. :( I also know it is not about me, she has a mental illness.
If MIL has been like this, has been abusive to her kids and their spouses why on earth would you have her move in with you?
If she has been diagnosed with dementia, or due to the strokes is not cognitive she can be placed in Memory Care where she will get 24/7 care.
If she is cognizant then she has 1 option...Shape up or ship out.
Assisted Living, again she would get the help that she needs 24/7.
Hiring caregivers...she pays for them... will get you off the hook for some of her care and off her radar for the duration the caregivers are there.
I do hope that you stress that she not be included in the vacation plans, you need a break and it does not sound like much of a vaca if she goes.
Yet you mention a MIL and a husband. ?
Is the plan that she now is going to live with you and DH from now on? I'm sorry, but that is unacceptable--totally. Your marriage will suffer and you will not be able to call your house your home.
My MIL has also accused me of stealing things-and accused my KIDS of it too. Actually, she WAS being robbed, but it was by her cleaning lady--and when it all came out, she couldn't believe her 'trusted cleaner' had been stealing small items from her on a regular basis.
You can support your husband by helping him find a place for mom to live that is NOT your home. With her mental issues, it's going to get harder and harder to have her live with you. She could very likely begin having more strokes, and to someone who's already impaired, more strokes will take her further down the path of not being able to care for herself. She NEEDS to be in a setting where her aggressive behavior can be addressed and her physical needs can also be met.
You are wise to realize early in that this isn't personal to you-but it still hurts and it's still hard. Have a heart to heart with DH and let him know that you'll support him in MOVING her.
I cannot imagine why your husband moved his mother more near/into your home. Can you tell me why? Can you tell me what understanding and conversations occurred when Mom fell ill regarding how all this would work? Did you voice any concerns when your husband said there was no choice but to bring MIL into your home? Did you KNOW there was a choice to allow MIL to become a ward of the state and be managed care in her own state BY her own state?
Because not knowing any of this, having gone ahead and brought a helpless woman into your own home, and not having any powers at all to remove her (I would bet there is no POA or Guardianship done) I cannot imagine how you will dislodge a mentally ill and physically challenged woman out of your home now the damage is done.
You and husband need to get together with a counselor and an elder law attorney to find out your options, your MIL's assets, and how to get her placed into 24/7 care. You may need to leave the home if husband refuses this, get a room in someone's home and go to work.
Another option is that when your MIL is next violent you call an ambulance. All the better if you are bleeding from the forehead. Get her transported, diagnosed, call in the Social Worker on day ONE of hositalization and tell them she cannot return to your home because you are afraid of her. Do not listen to anything about "We can help" "We can get you help"," we can make this work"; they cannot and they will not. Refuse her return to your home. Allow them to make her ward of the state and do know that at that point you can visit her but will have zero to say about her placement, her medical care, her assets.
I am sorry you went ahead with this not understanding before it happened what it would mean. I hope for the best for you, but this is a bad situation now, and you are kind of stuck in it without taking drastic actions.