Help- My poor decision to have MIL live with us is killing our marriage.

I share your pain, and your wife’s. In my case, I moved my mom over 1,000 miles to be near me after my dad passed. My husband put a small home onto our property for her to live next door. To my way of thinking, if I were in her place this is just what I would want - my own place and my own independence. Not my Mom’s idea of paradise though. I soon found myself rushing our family dinner so I could run next door to entertain her every single day. Occasional visits and daily phone calls were never enough. My husband put up with this but he could see how stressed I was bgoing coming over my moms increasing demands on my time. To put this into better perspective, I work full time outside the home and we also have an adult special needs son who we are caregivers for. Personal family time is a precious commodity for me. But I’m also an only child and being the “ good daughter” I was enabling my mom to totally monopolize my time. She is able to do for herself and even still drives at 89 years old. She would prefer that I do everything for her and drive her everywhere but I simply cannot. She is also a hypochondriac and has panic attacks ( but I seriously believe that those panic attacks are put on for sympathy). I’ve had to set boundaries with her to keep my sanity and regain my precious family time. I call her daily and I visit her Wednesday evening and on the weekend, plus take her out for breakfast every Sunday. I’ve seriously tried to interest her in the senior center so she can make friends and have connections to their services which would greatly benefit her but so far she refuses that. It’s not easy and she is still mad at me gladly dumps her guilt trip on me every chance she gets. I just comeback to this forum when I start feeling the guilt and it puts me back in perspective and reinforces in my mind that I am doing the right thing by setting restrictions and boundaries with her. Best wishes to you and your family in your situation. Hang in there and make a game plan you can all agree to. Then insist MIL adheres to it or find her new living accommodations.

Glad you are here Kandula9999. Just sharing helps you. Lots of good suggestion also. If they are not working, mediation sounds good.
I loved learning about giving a choice when my kids were little. If they did not want to come inside from playing (and it was time), I gave a 10 min. warning. Then, said 'we are going in now. You have a choice of walking in or being carried.'

I also offered my aunt a choice, after discussing it all with my husband. We could move her into assisted living, or she could come live with us in Maine, or she could stay with us for 2 weeks and then decide. She was not going to live alone or drive again. Doc agreed and told her so.

Good luck, God bless, and let us know how you are doing.

Find her a boyfriend, preferably in a State across the country. I'm serious. It may not be the most honorable thing you can do, but it's a matter of self-preservation! Hook her up to some online group and go out of your way to make sure that she doesn't say the wrong thing and scare him away. She will be occupied and happy while fishing and you and your family will be rewarded if she gaffs some gentleman. Who knows, she may even sail off into the sunset with a guy with money.

Al

It’s ok to play out “what if” scenarios in your mind. However, 90% of your posts are just that. You’re living out these scenarios in your own mind and not in reality and it’s not working. “What if Mother really is sick...but what if she’s NOT...” Youre making yourself crazy with these mental scenarios. At some point, all 3 of you, or at least you and Wife have to jump off this not-so-merry-go-round and confront the facts. Is Wife as stressed out as you appear to be? Could be she’s spent her entire life dealing with Mother and this is nothing new to her. Some people thrive under adverse conditions and congratulate themselves for surviving. It’s a real feeling of accomplishment. If Mother was like this all Wife’s life, Wife has learned to internalize her feelings and isn’t going to open up to even you. In a quiet moment, when the two of you are alone together, I’d suggest you’d say, “Look, Wife, this isn’t working out with Mother here.” Focus the conversation on you and how you feel. Don’t imagine that you know how Wife feels. You can’t change Mother’s behavior or actions. There is no magic pill or speech that will suddenly turn her into Suzy Homemaker. She is who she is and probably has been for a long, long while. Confess to wife that you can no longer tolerate having Mother in such close proximity. A solution may be to find a dwelling with an apartment on another floor or above the garage. Mother cannthen live how she pleases, but not right under your nose. If Wife would want to go to Mother’s new quarters and be her maid, that’s her decision. You need to present a united front with Wife when you speak with Mother. Any hesitation will give Mother the opening she needs. “Mother, we tried and it didn’t work. You need to go and we will help you find and set up alternative housing. It has to be this way. “ DO NOT give a litany of Mother’s faults and odd behaviors. Do not make accusations or excuses. Let Mother know this is the way it has to be. Period. However, if Wife is hesitant and “on the fence”, you’re sunk before you even set sail. You need to get out of your head, leave the what-if scenarios behind and be the change.

Kandula,

Welcome to this site, my perception is the following:

You are a good man and you’re one of those nowadays rare people that understands what love and commitment is.

You’re very responsible.

Because you’re so disciplined with yourself, your business, your life and your family it is hard, very hard for you to understand and accept a different modus vivendi...specially when it is in front of you every day,  in your own home.

You’ve NOT failed supporting and being a good partner to your wife, you’re simply HUMAN.

Now the issue is, I get that after you had an argument with your wife because you finally said all that you were keeping inside, now you’ve calmed down and you can see that you didn’t mean to hurt your wife and you want to be more compassionate, and that’s very noble of you. Yet, realistically the truth of the matter is that the situation does bother you, not because you’re mean or selfish, it simply bothers you...so what will likely happen is that you’ll keep accumulating the resentment inside until you “share it again” with your wife in not a calmed way or until you start feeling ill to come back home and depressed.

I’m not being negative, just realistic.

Now, I think you need to realize that the following WILL NOT change: Your mother in law and her ways, won’t change, period. Your wife’s feelings, and her ways towards your MIL will not change either. Your MIL’s health will at some point decline more because of age or illness and the situation might actually be worse...or maybe better, because she’ll be less active, but more depending on your wife.

So, what can you do?

Since you guys allowed the situation to become what it is (there was NO need for your MIL to “own” half of the house, and there were NO “rules” established on day 1, and you guys developed very bad habits as a family..doing all her chores, etc), now you need to start doing what you should have done at the beginning, but now it’ll be MUCH harder.

Step 1, is to talk to your wife. Not fighting, not blaming, but also not acting as if YOU are guilty of a lack of heart, because trust me, you are very generous and a good partner Kandula. Talk as a TEAM.

Talk to her just to make her see how you feel, not apologizing for how you feel, just making her really see how certain things affect you, how you feel uncomfortable and like you said like a prisoner in your own house. I don’t think you can “kick her out” like someone said, your wife would feel really bad and your marriage would,suffer anyway. 
But you can start building new dynamics. An example could be, your wife can tell your MIL that she’s not been feeling well, she’s too tired and so she wants to try cutting down on tasks after work, therefore she wants to “show her” how to use the washing machine and dryer so she can do her laundry. Now, her groceries, I guess you buy them while shopping for the family too, right? Are you paying for her groceries? If not, I don’t see the issue, because it’s no more effort, right? As to what to buy for her, well, I’d suggest to your wife to go with her to see her doctor next time, and ask him/her to strongly suggest she changes her diet, then you will have something to use as an excuse not to buy her candy, donuts, etc. And she could also try cutting down on unhealthy things, no donuts, because you guys forgot. 
Her walking wearing her nightgown around the house, I can totally agree it is not proper and I’d never do that myself, BUT I don’t think you can change that, not even a conversation will fix that because your MIL and wife will get hurt and really I don’t think it is worth it.

So what I’m trying to say is take the behaviors that are bothersome one by one and discuss them with your wife in that conversation but not complaining, sharing with her ideas for SOLUTIONS, as that’s what a good partner does! And also, what a good listening partner does (your wife) is to really pay attention and not dismiss how you’re feeling, so MAKE SURE Kandula that your wife is clear that this is affecting you, deeply, so she understands that action is needed, not because you’re pushing her against a wall of no,choice and asking her not to care for your MIL, but because you’re asking her to,work as a team to fix a situation that got out of control, and you two seem to know how to apply control in life, time to put your skills to great use!

Lastly, the best solution, if you’re able and have the means, would be to buy a house that has a MIL separate place, so she can be completely in her space and you in  yours and have your sanity back! Or Assisted Living. That’d really be ideal. If you can, consider it and talk about it with your wife.

Good luck Kandula, and truly my admiration for being an excellent husband and partner for your wife!

Ps. Do you have a single brother in his mid 40s or early 50s? Lollol just kidding. A little humor gets us caregivers through life!! :)

Sorry for what you are going through for trying to be a loving caring husband to your wife and good to your MIL. I think you and your wife definitely needs to sit down and have a honest talk and about feelings and what is realistic even if it is with a mediator. It really sounds like your MIL is taking advantage of your wife and her situation. I think you really should consider your MIL moving to an assisted living. At assisted living they have their own small apartment and there is transportation provided to take them shopping for food, clothes, etc., plus there is staff on duty incase they need help such as if they fall or get sick.

It seems that the 3 of you need counseling. You all have so many issues it's mind boggling. Find yourself a good family therapist who can sort out the feelings and MIL has to be part of all this and she, most of all needs, therapy. It's nice to vent but it doesn't solve your problem and you all need help. Good luck, hang in there, and stop whining. You seem to be an intelligent man, so get the help you need. Family is like a business and what do you do in business, solve the problems otherwise your business will go down the drain and fail.

You need to give MIL some rules - your daughter lives with you with rules so should MIL - start by having a talk with wife then tell MIL that this is the way things are starting now - however that is if she is able so wife needs to see mom's dr. with MIL to optimize her health & know exactly MIL's state of health [which dr. probably wants her to improve her life style]

MIL should have 1/4 of house not 1/2 so draw some lines - she has a bedroom TV so that is hers exclusively but living room TV is collective so majority rules & she can go to her room to watch something there - put a lock on a cupboard in kitchen for the pop, chips, cookies & those who have done their chores get them or even better stop buying them at all -

MIL will fight this because basically she is living her dream life ... she has food of her choice appear without her effort, her laundry is done without her effort, her room is cleaned [I bet the sheets are even changed for her too] without her effort, she has a choice or TV to watch whenever & wherever she wants - notice how often I wrote "without her effort" because your wife is now her personal servant [with guilt baggage so won't quit] - even with some health issues she could be doing something like folding laundry for all but where is there anything to incentivise her to to get up off her butt & help

Have your wife read what many have written here to open her eyes too - she has become an enabler to her mother's unhealthy life style & this is not a good example for your daughter either - you both are buying unhealthy foods regularly so it might be time for all 4 of you to look at your diets because moderation of 'treats' doesn't seem to work so eat off what you have & DON'T BUY ANYMORE CRAPPY FOOD - DH & I buy chips ... 1 medium bag for 3 to 4 weeks because we don't binge them but put a small amount in a small bowl with 1 trip to bag a day - you're right that diet makes me feel ill just reading about it much less having it

If you love your wife and value your marriage, sit them both down. Explain what is happening and why. Tell them "no more".....this is going to be the way it is OR you will take the next steps and perhaps leave them (doesn't mean you really have to but scare them). Then start searching for a place to put your MIL. Your first obligation is to you and to your wife. And probably seek outside supportive help. This woman will destroy both of you if you let her get away with it. Good luck.

your first mistake was in thinking that by living with you she would emulate you; no, although it has helped some in my dil's case, but she's much younger but she was raised with this entitlement mentality; even today I'm wondering what she's managed to "con" my husband into, but I'm out of it but it's affected our marriage, too, but he was somewhat raised that way, too, although I didn't fully realize it, then; seems like you didn't either, but here we are

I'm going to focus on your comments about how tightly you and your wife have handled your finances. Very well done and congratulations BUT now is the time to loosen up a bit so that your wife has less to do. Hire a housekeeper or a service to come in at least 1 time a week, or maybe every other week to clean well, change linens, do basic laundry. If you hire a service they send several people and they are there a much shorter time than if you hire just 1 person. Claim that you and wife are having medical issues and Dr. has put you on a strict food program. Make up something and post on the fridge about what you can and cannot eat. A low sugar/low fat diet would work, then you eat those foods. It sounds as though your wife is doing her best and may be working so hard at the job and maintaining the home that she has not stopped and looked at what has happened. You can provide for the MIL, but it is not your job to wait on her hand and foot and cater to every little whim. Perhaps you could see a counselor for a few sessions to get his/her independent thoughts as to how you can handle the situation better so that your wife has an easier time and you reign in your MIL's ways. Good Luck.

So, do I understand that you were the driving force in having MIL live with you? I might have misunderstood your post. If this is the case, maybe your wife is dancing so hard and fast because she doesn't want to disappoint you.

It is time for you and wife to join hands and figure out who wants what, I disagree with the poster that said your wife's feelings towards her mom will never change, when a woman comes from a dysfunctional family into a loving, understanding marriage, feelings can change. Your wife needs to know you've got her back and are willing to do whatever it takes to protect her and your child. This will help your wife find her balance with her mother. MIL being ill or not doesn't really matter, inappropriate unacceptable behavior is just that. Gather your daughter and wife under your arms and figure out what to do with this spoiled self centered person you brought into your home. NOT easy but, very doable. If you have to sell the family home, so be it, no sacrifice can be as big as the one you are all making now. God bless you for trying to do right by your MIL, remember God is no respector of persons, she can contribute to the overall well-being of the family, ie helping around the house, doing her fair share or she gets a new address, PERIOD. Emotionally healthy, caring families all work to the good of the entire family, can you say she does that? There is your answer.

Sounds like you MIL has lived her life just the way she pleased so why does it make sense for your wife and the family to sacrifice theirs for her Get some social services involved, perhaps MIL can find a shared living place and learn how to pitch in

Oh so sorry to hear this...and what this sounds like is a lack of love and a lack of understanding that none of us arrive on this planet with an instruction manual on how and how not to live our lives. What is necessary here is to first REMOVE THE ANGER and sit and meditate on how a human being such as you MIL arrived in such a state after years of living and FORGIVE HER for what all humans do...MAKE MISTAKES AND EXERCISE POOR JUDGMENT. None are good, no, not one! KJV

I would also suggest you make up your mind to chat with your wife over next steps of assistance for her Mother and to see the movie, PAUL:AN APOSTLE OF CHRIST. Your mother is probably not as bad as the Roman Centurians and THE PRAETORIAN GUARDS assigned his day to day care. The movie is out also by the way. FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE! Inner spirits are at the real root of the problem so also GO WITHIN for spiritual not religious answers that will not fail you in this type of living! Dr Coppertino
P.S. TAKE A VACATION!

I am crying for you. May you have the nerve to talk to your wife and the two of you figure out how to handle this. If the money is there, either find a place for her or put her on a round the world cruise, which she may like. Older folks do like to find time for themselves, so she may not be so happy living with you either. But, you have to end ths.

Wow, what a horrid situation for you, your wife and your daughter. They should be paramount in your thoughts, and your MIL seems like the "elephant in the living room." From what I read, it's pretty obvious she's not going to make any changes, or anything significant, anyway. She needs to be in her own place, whether it's an apartment, assisted living, rented room, whatever. Having her with you is destroying your marriage and also affecting your daughter very negatively. As the daughter of an alcoholic parent, I know how dysfunctional living affects a child. Do anything that you can do to get her out of your home, and then concentrate on healing the damage done to your daughter so far, and to your marriage. Your MIL will survive, even if she has to move to a room/apartment/home/assisted living, and even if she hates it. You have a marriage and daughter to consider. Make your choices, be strong. We are all thinking of you and hoping for the best.

This woman needs to be in senior housing. Maybe an apartment complex for older people; she'll be right at home there. She'll be surrounded by others her own age, she can walk around in her leopard skin pajamas to her heart's content, and have three nutrional meals per day along with her junk. This woman will be right at home as she'll have somebody to clean her apartment, she can have her own TV set, and watch classical movies to her heart's content

I don't even know where to start. The minute I read that you fantisized she would see your hard-working lifestyle and follow suit, I nearly spat my coffee on the keyboard. You are both enabling this loser, supporting HER lifestyle so she can loll around in freedom like a queen, demanding tribute from her servants. This is a life-long thing, she has some horrible personality disorder, and she is not going to change. I don't know how you will ever get her out, your wife is enmeshed in her mommy's terrible problems and will forbid it. Even if you do get her out of the house, your wife will be weeping and worrying and running around trying to make mommy's life better even if she lives across town. And will take it out on YOU, you meanie, poor poor mommy, who needs HELP....I wish I could tell you that you would be better off moving out, yourself, but that will bring its own problems.

Kandula9999 I feel for you! There is so much good advice here. I strongly agree with all that Freqflyer shared. The only thing I can add is if you are a Bible believer than I assume you know the priority of Christ, wife, children, extended family etc..It has to be a family approach with you, your wife and your daughter who is going to effected by the change. Assuming you did all that (I hope) because she is living with you, then the next thing is to know medically that MIL is in good health. If something is going on than you have something to research and find out how to deal with medical issues. If she is in good health and just a toxic person, well, counseling and intervention is needed for the whole family. Sounds like, as so many here have said already but bares repeating, your wife is enabling. The question behind that is why? There's always a why and once you understand that you are on your way to making it better. But, please, whatever you do don't let her come between you and your wife. Your wife, because it is her mother, needs to set her straight on where she is on the priority list (that is if she can hear it). You sound like a good man, and a good husband. I pray for your daughter's sake that she can witness you and your wife taking care of each first, your daughter and than MIL. Children live what they learn. You are a good man, and I pray God blesses your friendship with your wife, and your father/daughter relationship through this trail. It will be ok once you all deal with it head on, truth hurts, but avoiding it can be a relationship killer.
I married my husband while he was caring for his mother with Alzheimer's. At one point I had hurt my knee badly and he was caring for me, and Mom was angry that he didn't pay her attention. He gently told her more for my sake than her's that I was his wife and I come first. He will come when he is done caring for his wife (mind you she was not in danger and didn't need any medical or other care at the moment). It really solidified our friendship and marriage. MIL didn't remember it, so what, but I did and it helped me know how important our marriage was to him. It also gave me more understanding for the poor dear. Your wife is in charge of setting her Mom straight. You are in charge of putting wife first, then daughter before all others. Praying for you!

In my humble opinion, all the "rules" and "boundaries" that others have suggested aren't going to work. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. There's a reason she's been married multiple times. I'm not throwing rocks, my mother has had 4 husbands too. She also, in her time, was a very spoiled lady, thinking she "deserved" the best. (Narcissistic...look it up, I think you'll find a likeness to MIL.)

The children of narcissistic parents either cave in to their parents wishes and whims (your wife) or rebel against it (me). To me, my mother had NO right to feel superior to or more entitled than anyone. She came from a large, poor family from North Dakota but grew up with illusions of grandeur. Sound familiar?

The only way to correct your "mistake" of bringing her in to your home is to take her out of your home.

You can talk with your wife (hopefully) and explain how you can see how she (your wife) is run into the ground, how tired she looks, how you believe it's caused by doing too much for her mom and that you're worried about her health, now and in the future. Present caregiving her mother as a detriment to your wife's health.

Do some research on-line first, so you can present your wife with other living options for her mom. You must get her to see the need for her mother to leave. Explain that you're very stressed that she will loose her health and you will be going to a counselor. Invite her along that she can "help" you feel better.
If you present it to her that you're worried about the toll it will take on HER (your wife) then you've deferred the blame off you.
And it's TRUE.....up to 40% of caregivers DIE while taking care of loved ones! Tell her you want her to be with you for many years to come and that you would be broken hearted if anything happened to her BECAUSE she was working so hard to take care of her mother.

Maybe you both could tour a couple of facilities then, with a UNITED front, approach MIL that she needs more than you can give her and drive her to see the facilities. Present it WITHOUT ANY OPTIONS!!! She HAS to move for your wife's health.

Independent Living is another option if she's fully capable.

You, sir, have to strengthen your backbone and realize that everything you've worked for in your marriage will crash and burn if this situation goes farther.
Do you want to be single in a few years? Then do nothing.

The only solution is to have her move. I know it seems mean and crewel but it's a matter of life and death of your marriage. Get over the guilt and be free to be the happy little family you were meant to be.

Just my 2 pesos.

Been there, done that. My heart goes out to you. Best of luck

OK- Suggestion: Make a plan for you and your wife to get away= a week or a weekend. Have a sitter come or a relative. whatever works best. You and your wife ALONE.SOON Get AWAY from the situation. Remind your wife of what it is like to be married and together as a team. Have fun together. Do something you both like to do. But GET away/step away from the situation so that you can look at it differently. You both are probably thinking there is no way out of this one. It is Time to make changes. You are well aware of it. Now, get your wife on board. Time to get her off the guilt train. Sounds like MIL is manipulating this to the full extent. Whether or not she is sick - Best of luck to you both.

Being a Catholic and knowing the Scripture, you need to apply firmness to this dilemma. I would use this principle in dealing with MIL.
2 Corinthians 3:10-12. "For even when we were with you, we commanded you this: If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat. For we hear that there are some who walk among you in a disorderly manner, not working at all, but are busybodies. Now those who are such we command and exhort through our Lord Jesus Christ that they work in quietness and eat their own bread."
This is a different application and will be hard to implement, and a perceived obligation by your wife to her mother may be driving your wife's behavior. I have had to address these issues in yet another form and found it worked by firmly by laying out the reasons for and the conditions of my decisions. Some people are great at "guiling" others for a perceived benefit and will continue as long as they are accommodated. STOP!
You first have to reach agreement with your wife, for as the Scripture asks; “Can two walk together unless they are agreed?" Amos 3:1
You will dissolve into despair if you do not act. Love has its limits and will be compromised if you cannot resolve your conflicts.
The final aspect that you have not addressed is that you may want to surrender to this situation and emotionally withdraw; but that is not your style. You are a decision maker; i.e. you are a businessman. Take charge and reclaim your position as the “head of your home”. When you lift the burden of guilt from your wife by taking responsibility, you will be honoring your marriage vows. Remember, the husband and the wife “leave” their family and become joined together. Protect her and your family. (Matthew 19:5-6)

Oh honey, I feel for you...I wish you could have seen the 5 year tour of duty that I took with my MIL...in HER HOME! Lol

Yes. It nearly cost me my marriage when I put down some firm boundaries and refused to provide direct care for my MIL after she assaulted me, yet, my husband blamed ME for his mother ATTACKING ME.  I filed a police report, mailed her estate the bill, and MOVED OUT. 

When my husband threatened to divorce me, I told him to go ahead. I was not going to live anywhere where someone was allowed to hit me. Losing his relationship with me on a daily basis gave him a reality check. My reality was thatI did not wish to be a FT caregiver for someone who didn’t like or approve of me. I returned to my career and started plotting financial independence in case the marriage failed. I built a seperate life and support system. I stopped being a “good wife”. 

It was the respect and boundary that HE could respect. After my MIL died, my spouse has tried to get a foothold on my independence, but that isn't going to happen. I remember he took his mother’s side...and left me financially compromised and emotionally neglected. I will remain financially secure and separate, and although I am supportive of the household expenses and him, in general, I learned from the experience that I am not valued as a family member by his children or extended family. 

I faithfully completed the tour. But I have much reduced expectations of my spouse and I value the survival of the marriage less than the survival of the friendship. In fact, I want out of the marriage. I did my job. Stepping over his kids to do it, while being sick myself, struggling to keep my job. My generosity has been sorely challenged...and 16 months have passed since her death.

Now it is like NOW he wants my help resolving the estate issues, and wants me to pay for it. Nope. I am DONE. 

Missmacintexas,
I have nowhere been through what you have but I have been disrespected by my ex-husband. That is why I lost respect for him then finally got a divorce after 35 years! (The (untrue) accusations of cheating for 15 years didn't help either.)

It's sad to find out that you aren't respected and that you don't mean as much to them as they do to you. Sad that we wasted our time.

At least I've got a good man now. Hopefully you will too.

How many children does she have?

Missmacinxt,

So sorry for such a hard experience. But can I ask, why are you still married?

I’m a pro-marriage person. I believe in loyalty and commitment, but when there’s nothing, there’s nothing.

I know you said you want out of the marriage, but if all is lost -and it sounds lost to me-, what’s stopping you?

You’ve the right to fully claim your life back!

Kandula9999,

I strongly urge you to get marriage counseling with your wife. The health of your marriage if of utmost importance. If she resists, try to express that it is out of your desire to love her & to value the relationship, not about changing her or correcting her.

My MIL has lived with us for 11 years, and like you I regret letting it happen. But it's nothing compared to what you're dealing with.

For many years my wife played the difficult role of being in the middle between me and her mother. But in recent years she has also become fed up with her mom. I am very thankful that our marriage endured and thrived even under the circumstances.

It is my sincere hope that you and your wife will persevere and overcome this trial.

I believe that sooner or later that your relationship will end up with someone leaving: you! I agree with the other comments regarding counseling because things cannot continue as stated. Your wife enables her mother by allowing her behavior to continue without any house rules and a list of responsibilities that have to be done while you and your wife are working i.e. doing her own laundry, cleaning etc. That said, I cannot see anything changing because your wife does not expect her mother to do anything; thus she enables her mother to continue to do nothing. And her mother will continue this behavior because no one has said anything to her. Its your home too and there should be rules in the home. It also is not good for your daughter to see that grandma has no responsibilities in the home and that both you and your wife allow this to go on. Good luck. By the way, if your wife refuses counseling, then you go. You will be glad you did because you need to take care of yourself.

Few people choose to do the right thing by caring for an aging parent. You're situation sounds much like ours, except you do not mention if your MIL is an alcoholic. My husband and I are also Catholic and feel it is a responsibility to care for our parents in old age. You may not be able to change your MIL, but you can limit the damage she is doing to your family. Establishing boundaries will help to give your marriage some privacy and your child an example of standing up for yourselves. Our solution was to section off 500 square ft of space in our first home (a walkout basement) and create a separate apartment with a kitchenette (full size fridge and range) for my mother. Make sure there is a locking door between the living spaces and a separate outside entrance for your MIL. We, like you, only had a single bathroom for 4 adults, while my Mother had her own private bath. Yet, this was better than living directly with her. My Mother also liked the arrangement and I could walk away from my mother's abusive behaviors. My mother's dysfunctional behaviors no longer invaded our family life. Mom was also asked to chip in for utilities, gasoline, maintenance on her apartment, satellite TV, and to pay for her own breakfast foods and snacks, beer, wine, maid services. I would provide dinner for her. She agreed. Upon our retirement we left the city and purchased a home in the country with a separate 800 sq ft apartment for her. We renovated to provide a senior/handicapped bathroom. She continues to chip into the family budget to pay for the additional expenses for such a large home. My mother's health has declined over the past 13 years of living with us. At age 84 the previous extreme alcoholic behaviors have morphed into a radical stubbornness. Her attitude has become, "I am 84 and I can do whatever I want." This includes the same behaviors as your MIL: she lives in skimpy nightgowns (dressing only for Drs. appts.), eats sugary foods much of the time, watches TV all night (its on 24/7) and sleeps in the daytime, etc. Yet, this is mostly talk as she requires a walker and oxygen now and cannot leave her apartment without assistance. She still demands beer and wine, but I only bring manageable amounts (3-4/day) which she pays for. I spend approx. 2 hours/day with her, often cleaning up, washing clothes, helping her to bathe.
Please, find a way to separate your family life from hers? No longer allow MIL to take such advantage of all of you. No one lives for free. Your MIL has some money which should be spent providing her needs while still giving her some spending cash for fun. Calmly explain to her that the dysfunctional life you are all living is not acceptable. Although you will continue to provide her a living space, she must show you and your wife the proper respect. If she cannot muster up such respect for the three of you, tell her she is not a prisoner in your home. Hand her a phone book where she can contact a Realtor and move to a separate location. Always remain calm and factual when talking with her. I disagree with others in this space. YOU, not your wife, should be the one to tell her. You should deliver this message privately. Do not gang up on MIL. Do not blame. MIL will get used to it. Just get moving on the changes. In a few short weeks your lives will come to a better place.