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Hello, my mom had a stroke almost 4 weeks ago. This one REALLY has done a number on her. Her right leg seems to be the most affected and she is immobile. She is "waxing and waning."
She lives with her husband, but she's always done everything at home, bills, phone calls to doctors, setting up her meds for the week, etc. Her husband has asked her sister to come take care of her when she gets home. She said she would but it won't be forever.
My mom responds to me when I've visited her, maybe 30% of the time.
Her life has been disrupted and I want her to be safe and comfortable at home.
The issue is that 2x while she's been in the hospital, her husband has been drinking. He stopped drinking 15 years ago, until a previous stroke my mom had last year. This time, he's been lying on the phone, saying he doesn't know what happened but he woke up on the floor. I saw him a few days ago and he's got a sling on his arm, a black eye, and his foot is dark purple.
If he goes on a bender, he's nasty and doesn't do anything that responsible adults do (ear, put the dogs out, answer the phone)
What can I put into place legally, in case things don't go well once my mom is home from rehab?
I do work, but will do anything to ensure my mother is safe and comfortable. I don't want to disrupt her life by not having her at her home at first.

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He stopped drinking 15 years ago, *until* last year? And since then? Are the 2 x in the last month unusual?

I think you should speak frankly to him about it,* and a lot depends on the aunt. How do she and your father get on?

Legally - what do you already have in place? Is your mother able to create any powers of attorney?

Sorry, I only just saw your update. YES, talk to the social care people and a lawyer.

*He's not lying. If he lies about drinking and you know he's lying and he not only knows but expects that you know he's lying, it's not a lie. It's just politely not mentioning something. Stop being polite, but don't be censorious. It's only the facts that matter. (You don't sound censorious! - remarkably down to earth about it, I'd say)
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I agree that your Aunt needs to be fully informed. I think that Mom should likely go to placement from rehab if there is drinking in the home. The Aunt will likely leave, and that leaves Mom in danger in her own home with no one to see or be aware of it living on premise. Very worried about that situation.
Who is the POA for your Mom? Is there someone who is POA for your Dad as well. So sorry for all you are going through. The illness and pressure of same has caused a domino effect that is truly frightening, and you must feel very helpless. At some point if things continue to cascade Mom will need guardianship and placement for safety. I think I would start there now as the rehab can place her more easily if you refuse to let her come home to an unsafe condition, than you can later when Aunt flees the home. You could place her with the understanding that when a permanent solution comes you would move her home. It is beyond me what that "permanent solution " could conceivably be as neither Aunt nor a sober Dad are likely to be able to take on all Mom did AND give her care.
The only solution I can see now, whether permanent or temporary is placement.
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Does aunt know about the drinking situation? She needs to be informed, it’s not fair to expect her to walk into that blindly. Your mom needs a caregiver, husband is apparently not reliable. You’ll either have to rely on aunt deciding she wants to be involved, hire outside help, go do it yourself, or place your mom in a facility where she’ll be cared for safely. Does her husband have POA for her or do you? Is she at a place mentally/emotionally of understanding what’s going on with him? My mother dealt with what we now know was significant depression following her strokes, it’s common, so be on the lookout for that and get her treatment for it if needed
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mommyandme7 Aug 2020
Yes Aunt knows. Stepfather has done it before, then stopped for 15 years, until my mom had a stroke last year. He has POA, I suggested that it may be easier for everyone if it were me, and he said hell no, its my job. I spoke with a case worker today and they said that if that's where she wants to go, until an incident happens, then the police can be called. I still plan on talking to the dept of aging and an elder law attorney. I want to have my ducks in a row ahead of time.
Ill try my best to make sure that she is safe and comfortable. I think she already knows deep down that he isn't capable when the going gets tough. Or being consistent. I've not said anything to her, I got to visit her 4x in a month due to covid. I keep it pleasant and positive for her sake. A psychiatrist from the hospital started her on a low dose of zoloft. This is her 4th major stroke.
I hate this for her.
She had 2 in 2014-2016 and bounced back fully .
Last Aug another that affected her balance a bit. Then this one. He waited 9 hours to call me and in turn call an ambulance.
God help her
She answers a few basic questions (what she ate for breakfast, my dogs name)then fuzzes out. I'm determined to do whatever it takes for her. I'm worn out from past traumas, being a young widow and having a son in heaven.
But I'll pull it out of myself for her. I hope my empty well gets replenished
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Mom is not a safe discharge, there is nobody that can provide the care she needs. Does aunt know that the hubs has been drinking again? He won't stop because mom goes home. If I were aunt and knew this I would withdraw ANY offer of help. She will be caring for them both.

Mom needs placement in a facility to keep her safe. It is much quicker and easier to have her placed directly from rehab but still needs planning.

Who is mom's POA?
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mommyandme7 Aug 2020
yes the aunt knows and says she won't tolerate it. I'm trying to figure out how it can be me if necessary to bring her to my house. She seems to 'thrive " a bit more when she gets to talk to me, especially seeing me. Her husband is the POA. for now. She's only 2 days into rehab. I hope that she can improve as much as possible.
He asked why the hospital even sent her there if she's still in and out of it, I replied with, well that's the effects of the stroke (s)
I actually told him off this morning, I can tell that he hasn't drank since the weekend but I reminded him that his bender rendered him useless for 4-5 days which is unacceptable and unfair to HER.
Hes added so much extra and I hate this
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