He knows my mom will run out of money. My brother was in jail for stealing money from a friend (great guy, right). Now that he has a record, and has been out of work for over 7 years in 55+ he is not considered employable. The only job he can get is kitchen help and he feels he is above this type of work.
For the past 7 years, my mother has given my brother $1,000 - $2,000 per month so he can live in a motel. My brother is a "born again" Christian and is constantly telling my mother that my sister and I are not real Christians. I believe is to manipulate her.
My brother also drives my mothers $30,000 car (she can no longer drive) and places himself in questionable circumstances.
My mother's lawyer, financial advisor, sister and me have told my mother that she will run out of money if she continues giving this money to my brother. The same has been told to my brother but he continues taking his monthly paychecks from my mother.
My brother is not my mother's caregiver, is not POA and until recently has not been named on any of her bank/investment accounts.
In the last 30 days, my brother has taken my mother to her bank to have a new account opened (her prior account had my sister's name on the account which I supported). She only needed new checks so not sure how the new account happened.
My sister is the Financial POA and I am the medical POA.
I feel like this is Elder Abuse - my brother knows that my mother may not have money to live on before long. Due to his financial and job issues, he will not be able to take care of her once the money runs out.
My mother is confused about why financial events occur when my brother is involved but knows what occurs when my sister and I help her with finances.
If I go down a legal path in attempts to help my mother and she finds out, she will never speak to me again. I can be OK with that as long as she retains all of her money OR spends her money on herself.
Is there anything I can do beyond reporting Elder Financial Abuse with authorities? Can someone with FInancial POA prevent my brother from "helping" my mother with ANY financial matter?
I stepped in and stopped my sister from robbing my mother blind and Mom from giving her money to every person who called on the phone or hit the door. Sometimes you have to STOP them from inadvertently harming themselves. Why is POA sister sitting there and not doing something, this MUST come to an end. Call Social Services and Elder Attorney call whomever you must to be able to find out if this is elder abuse and do you have a legal leg to stand on.
If I was POA sister I would gather my paperwork and march myself down to the bank and introduce myself and present papers and Mom's POA and let them know that she will be taking over ALL OF MOM'S FINANCIAL MATTERS DUE TO ELDER ABUSE OR MEMORY ISSUES. All bank accounts would be changed and brothers name removed. POA should then have a heart to heart with you and brother and tell him that as of this very moment, he is cut off from his windfall. If Mom can't drive and wants brother to have the car make sure it is signed over to him to get it out of Mom's name and legal responsibility.....He may need a place to live!
Brother knows he can manipulate Mom and he does it well. Mom may be upset, mine was, but honestly I don't give a crap, I did what I did to try and save her from herself and I would do it again!
If you try to go the route of Guardianship, it is expensive, time consuming and you have to have doctors willing to sign papers stating she is incompetent. Taking over as POA is easier. I would make sure I have already done everything that needs to be done before I ever mention it to brother and get all the checkbooks and get them out before even telling Mom. You mother will be angry but you have to realize you are trying to help HER!
Do you realized that if brother spends all her money or if she becomes horribly ill tomorrow and has to go into a nursing home, you could not even get the help of Medicaid because you brother is spending her money. There is a 5 year look back and they are going to want to know where all this money has gone and they will not touch her with a ten foot pole due to the squandering of her money.
Unless you and POA Sis are wealthy and can pay for Mom's care, you better stop it now! I did and although it has been hard at times I know I did for her benefit and not allowed sister to use Mom's money as her personal bank account.
Don't be surprised if brother doesn't try to get Mom to sign papers making him POA. If Mom has dementia or Alzheimer's legally she cannot change her POA as she in not considered mentally competent.
BTW, a "county home for the indigent" does exist in many places - it could either mean the few homes that accept Medicaid, or back in Pittsburgh they have an actual one called Kane Care. Some of their centers are really quite good, others you would not choose if you could possibly go elsewhere. My mom once inappropriately was sent a bill that had not been properly submitted to insurance and actually packed a small bag and told the front desk she was out of money and knew she would have to go to Kane Care, when would they pick her up? I gave the nitwits who did that what for, told them how to submit to her insurance (there was a little glitch to it, you had to call a certain number for it) and get ALL bills to ME as POA, period.
What your brother is doing is financial exploitation, it is abuse without a doubt and it needs to stop. Your mother must take care of her needs first. I can understand her wanting to help a child, however your brother is a big boy, one day mom will pass or run out of money and he won't have that money coming in; he needs to take care of himself. If he is a Christian, then he would know taking money from an elder is wrong. Talk to your mom's attorney, look for legal ways to stop the money train..
1) In the US, competent adults are entitled to make their own decisions, even silly, dangerous, or self-destructive decisions. This is so fundamental to our national belief system it is very hard to overcome.
2) Closing accounts that the brother has access to and opening a new one is so obvious and so simple, that the fact the lawyer doesn't suggest it indicates to me that it is illegal under the circumstances -- that is, unless Mother is willing to have this done, or unless Mother is declared by a judge to be incompetent and in need of protection.
3) Mother wants to help her son. Of course she does. We could speculate all day whether she is enabling him to make bad decisions or whether she is preventing him from making even worse decisions. She wants to help and she is doing it in the only ways she can think of.
Given these three facts, it would seem to me that figuring out ways to help Brother for less money than Mother is spending on him now would be a good solution. But depending on the family dynamics it might be an extremely tough solution to implement. Mother won't live forever, and then what will Brother do? Helping him to start doing it now would be a step in the right direction for everyone.
HateElderAbuse, if you have the strength and the perseverance to help Brother get hooked up to the professional help he needs and to stick with it. you may be doing your mother a great service. That is really expecting a lot of you, and it isn't within your job description as POA.
It is very hard to see your child risk themselves, even if they are adults. Write down a copy of the resources in your city with a copy for both mom and brother. Advise mom that THOSE people are professionals who are trained to help her son, she is not abandoning him but pointing him in the direction of improvement rather than remaining the same. It probably would not help to tell her she is actually hurting him by enabling him to remain dependent on others. Remind her that it is a lot like the "terrible twos", he will keep coming to her, and she will need to keep repeating that he has professionals to help him, go to them not her, she is not a professional.
Your brother's story is so sad. What a tragedy for all concerned. Thank you for letting it be a lesson x
Everyone in my family kept telling my mother not to keep giving money. She probably gave him in the hundred of thousands over the course of his life. It didn't help him at all, but she couldn't see it. I don't know how to get mothers to stop doing this, since often they see only short-term need instead of long-term effects. HateElderAbuse, if you have any influence, you will be helping all involved to try to stem the money flow to your brother. Those lowly jobs look a lot better when the stomach is empty.
Being a born-again Christian doesn't impress me much. I taught some classes in the prisons for 12 years and I have seen many men get born again for their parole hearings. And they remained just as evil as before. In my mind, a man born again would not be taking from his mother and giving nothing in return. His actions speak louder than his words.
Try to help your mother understand that she is hurting your brother and not helping him. And try to encourage your brother to find his own two feet. His life is not sustainable this way.
See if you can get mom to understand how much she has given brother to date or on annual basis and help her understand what outside care, residential care would cost if something happens to her and how long she will have with all her assets ("3 years mom, or 5 years mom, or only 2 yrs mom if you keep giving Jimmy $1000/month at this rate) -- see if that makes an impact with her.
Tell her to consider cutting brother back to $500/mo (if she can afford) and then say, "mom, we need to help Jimmy stand on his own and manage his money better"....
Tough call, especially if mom is still competent. SHe does have right to disperse funds any way she wants legally; and we have to watch this leech continue to bleed her. Shame on him.
Our problem with this is that we don't actually know what the financial situation is. If the mother is running out of funds to the extent that it will soon have a significant impact on her ability to support herself, the brother can't be paid any more. If it would have some but not a severe impact, the POA has to decide whether the mother in her right mind would be prepared to make the required sacrifice; she could, for example, make the economies Braida suggests, or just reduce the brother's allowance. If in fact the mother's funds won't be depleted unless or until a hypothetical situation arises in the distant future, then there is no valid reason for changing the mother's habitual practice. The reality could be anywhere in this range, and it's the poor old POA who has to make the right call in the end. We shouldn't pretend it's easy.
Cut off the supply.
Have the financial person who talks to your mom be male, and meet in a business setting if possible. Your mom will probably take this more seriously. I have noticed that women of a certain age have a mind-set to listen to a man. Your brother has got that position right now and he is playing it to his benefit. Get another "sensible" man in a role of advisor to your mom and knock the brother down to being "just another one of the kids." Please get the finances back in order, only to your mother's benefit. And, you don't have to cater to her every "whim" either. I thought I was supposed to grant every wish my parent wanted once she was widowed. It's not financially logical. Now, she's spent most everything, and some went to a "charmer" who lives closer to her than I do. I was stuck with the grunt work. The "charmer" got all the fun and now the money is almost gone. Please, don't let this happen to you.
Having said that, I'm interested in this point that "she will run out of money." Is that certainly, numerically, true? Because another duty you have in exercising your POA is to execute what you know your mother's wishes are, irrespective of whether you like them or not; and if the reality, once you've added up, is that $1,000 here or there is not going to make a significant difference, then your sister ought to continue to pay your ne'er-do-well brother if she wants to do the job properly. The point being that any exasperation with or resentment of your brother's freeloading you feel doesn't enter into it; all that matters is whether your mother can actually afford it.
I sympathise with your strong preference for all of your mother's money to be spent exclusively on her. But suppose, for example, she would in earlier years rather have bought her son a holiday (or bail him) than get herself a new car: then you must assume that her priorities are different from yours. Be careful. Try to set aside your dislike of your brother, because it clearly is not part of your mother's thinking; and that is what you must do your best to respect, within the constraints of her budget.