Hello, I am looking for some advice about how to deal with a stepmother who is not nice to my elderly, sick father and who is very abusive towards me. My father married her over 20 years ago (and didn't tell anyone he got married until later). My brother and I were in our early teens, and not told about it or invited to the wedding. I was young then (early teenager) and she threw out my things from my father's house (I used to stay every second weekend at my dad's house). She threw away my bed, clothing and belongings and she moved all her things in. For the last 20 years she has made my life hell and been cruel and nasty at every possible occasion. She calls me unattractive and stupid and every time I go to see my dad she makes nasty comments about me. My dad has done nothing about her verbal abuse towards me which has been very upsetting. I wanted him to stand up for me, which he never did. I am disappointed with him as a father that he married such a witch. I should mention my father is quite well off and has some money, which she told me is the reason she married him as she wants a nice lifestyle. I think my father knows that too. She is also a lot younger than my Dad.
YEARS LATER, my dad is now 79, very sick and receiving palliative care at home. She has told my father he is to put her needs first and his children last. The issue is that she is very nasty to my father and I am witnessing it. She calls him lazy (he is on oxygen and can't walk) and repeatedly tells him that he is a burden to her. I have never heard her say a nice thing about him in over 20 years. She has started throwing out all his things (in front of him) and saying he will die soon and she is cleaning out the house so she can sell it and move back to her home country (good riddance to her), but it is very upsetting to watch. She had the house painted when he was on palliative care (he is on 24/7 oxygen and bed bound) and the painters said it was strange she did this when there was nothing wrong with the paint. She also got all the carpets replaced. She yells at him that he is in the way of her fixing up the house that she is selling (it makes me so angry and sad as it is HIS house).
I go to his house to see him and she abuses me and tells me how horrible her life is and she can't wait for him to die. I don't care about her one bit. BUT I care about my Dad. However, after every visit to see him I end up in tears because of her abuse. I cannot sleep. She tells me I am stupid, lazy and don't do anything properly. She just sent me a rude message telling me she is the most important person as a WIFE and I am to remember that she comes first. It makes me feel sick having any communication or contact with her.
YES, I have reported her to the police and the agencies but they cannot do anything as my father is choosing to stay with her (so please do not suggest that I contact services, as I have done that already with many agencies). Because they cannot find physical abuse, no one will do anything. She has verbally abused him for years telling him he is useless and stupid etc. I want to see and visit him at home, but I don't want to be abused by her. She does not like me visiting him and makes it very clear she doesn't want me to see him. I go to see him for about 30 mins every second day. He is very unwell and on palliative care. He will probably not live for much longer, but I go because I love him. He is my dad and I feel I need to check on him. I have asked social services if he can be moved to a hospice (where I could visit him without seeing her), but my Dad said he doesn't want to go. I want to check on him but I don't want to be abused by her. The choice is; Do I stop visiting my dad as her abuse is too upsetting for me? Sorry if this is long, it is difficult to explain everything. Thank you so much to anyone who can give advice to help me. I'm not sure if I am posting in the right forum. Please help.
You could whisper, “Dad, I don’t like the way your wife speaks to you. I love you, and am going to sit here and hold your hand. I will have my music on, so as to keep my peace. If you want to chat, just hold up a hand, and signal me. I will turn off my music so that I can hear you.”
Every time your Dad’s wife starts to speak, switch those headphones on, until she is out of the room.
Kiss your Dad good bye as you leave, then click your music on, as you march out of there. Then, repeat each time you visit.
Ahhhh. Peace!
This reminds me of what I did while having extensive dental work done in my 30s. I listened to Journey music at full volume thru headphones to drown out the sound of the drill. To this day, every time I hear a Journey song, chills run down my spine, and not in a good way 😣
Don't let the old cow prevent you from spending these last days with your dad. She should rot in hell for eternity for what she's doing.
Unless he wants to leave her there is nothing you can do. If you confront her she will block you from seeing him. Dad made his bed and unfortunately this is the result.
What country is your stepmother from?
I honestly don't think there is much that you can do. Your father made his bed all those years ago.
As for her messages, do not read them, if necessary, block her.
Keep your visits short, do not engage her, cut back on the number of times you visit him, set your boundaries, take back your power.
Since your father does nothing about the abuse to both him & you, it tells you the whole story, she indeed is his priority, he even puts her ahead of himself.
Sad, so many men are so very weak and have their priorities all screwed up.
You have been dealing with this for many years.
Your Dad married this woman, and from all you say she wasn't worth much from the very beginning, but your Dad chose to stay with her, and not to address her actions toward his own children. You say you have some difficult and complicated feelings about Dad because of this as well.
You are now at the end of the trail.
Am I right? Your Dad is in palliative care.
I am afraid the time for family mediation, family intervention, therapy, etc, is over now.
So here is where you are. Dad has not long to live.
I would try to change my attitude (yes, I am saying LIE if you must), make peace with your stepmom as she is currently the "lioness at the gate" no matter what you feel. As you say, you have already talked to all resources, and they cannot help.
So, swallow hard, take stepmom flowers and candy and commiserate with her all you need to, and keep things as good for Dad as you can in his last days.
The day your Dad is gone, walk away. Just walk away. You are free, and you will be able to pat your own back, tell yourself "GOOD JOB!" and get on with a wonderful life.
We can't change others. You have learned that the hardest way. I am sorry for your grief, for the difficulties of this situation, and I wish you the best. I hope you will update us. I hope Dad gets hospice and gets all the peace and relief at the end you can avail him of.
Best wishes.
If there are reports to various agencies that might help.
If there are witnesses to her verbal abuse, mental abuse that might help.
You might even want to talk to the Social Worker with the Palliative / Hospice company that is providing Palliative care at this time.
And he can transition to Hospice at home he does not need to be in a Hospice In Patient Unit to get Hospice care.
And it is very sad that dad is choosing to spend his limited time left on earth in misery by that sea hag he married.
This isn't all your stepmom, no doubt she's a first class piece of work but, your dad married her and allowed her to treat his children poorly.
My dad did the same thing and it took me a while to realize that he, my dad, could have put a stop to the nonsense and he chose not to. I believe that he got a sick pleasure out of his wife treating his daughter like competition.
Me, I was alienated by the abusive behavior and lies. Only to be asked for help when she divorced him because he was old and sick.
I had to protect my heart, as you do. He picked her, he enabled her and now he gets what he asked for.
It is really hard to watch our dad being mistreated by his choices but, as I say, karma is no lady, it's a b!+ch.
Try to come to terms with the reality of what is. Most importantly, don't subject yourself to more then you can cope with by visiting to often, do only what you can. Your dad knows you love him but, make sure your presence isn't making it harder on him. My dads thang made it miserable for him when I visited.
Find ways to make a game out of her and her nonsense. I would say things in my head instead of listening to stepmom flapping her gums. You remember how adults sound in Charlie Brown? Wah, wah wah wah, wah wah wah. Translate her words into that. Try to translate her words into pig Latin, make jokes when she starts in, of course, in your head. Try picturing her as different animals, you know like an ant eater or sloth or anything else that can bring a smile to you.
I am so sorry you are losing your dad and the relationship has been so dysfunctional for 2 decades. It's hard to lose the hope that things will change because he dies. Great big warm hug! You can get through this with your heart and head intact.
One thing I want to add. If dad has a will, maybe she doesn't get everything. If he doesn't, you be the 1st one to the court house and open probate. Because the wife doesn't just get everything unless there is a will. That's poetic justice for these people! :-)
Orangesky - You know, I think if she gets a load of money then goes back to Poland, she'll get herself a young honey who will in turn swindle her out of all the money, then he'll run off with a young pretty girl, leaving the greedy old hag empty handed. It's happened many time before.
Yes, you are very RIGHT - God sees all and hopefully one day she will account for the terrible and abusive way she has treated him.
I am wondering what became of your Dad?
I’m sorry you are going through this. As the other posters mentioned, your Dad picked her. It is quite possible he knew all along he would outlive her and maybe was counting on her to be a good nurse.
I also have a stepmother. My father is actually in much better health than her, but her self pity is dragging him down. He is older and has always been much more physically active than his wife. I think he too expected his younger wife to take care of him in his old age. Unfortunately I do not live nearby at all and cannot drop in.
Whenever I do go there or speak to him on the phone, the situation is evident to me. It is hard to witness.
Any type of elder abuse - physical, verbal, emotional, psychological - is morally reprehensible.
If you are lucky enough to live nearby, I would continue to stop in from time to time. Can you take him outside in a wheelchair? Visit him privately? Can you bring a friend for moral support?
As you are his child I do not think the stepmother can prohibit you from seeing him.
I understand that watching your Dad going down with this type of added stress is a painful experience. I am not a legal expert, but I do believe in most cases the spouse is the heir apparent if there is no language stating otherwise in his will. An elder attorney would have more knowledge of how to navigate the situation. Sometimes agencies, particularly during pandemic times, are understaffed and not able to effect any change.
As the other posters note, he picked her. That doesn’t give her the right to abuse him or you. Try to support him as much as you can and tune her out.
It is hard to see your father is suffering needlessly. However you can just do so much.
Let us know how you are doing now.
Thank you for your kind message of support. Unfortunately my father passed away. I had to call the ambulance for him. She gave him pneumonia (wouldn't put on any heating in the house for him). I am sad he has passed away but also relieved he is no longer suffering and he is finally away from her.
I'm beginning to see there is no real justice in this world. Society pretends to care about elder abuse and domestic abuse, but no agencies actually stepped in and did anything helpful at all. The whole situation has made me sick.
Thank you for your kind words. It has been hard to witness my father being treated so badly by such a greedy nasty witch. I can only hope God (or the universe) sees all, and karma comes back to her for the horrible way she treated him and his family.
I hope your situation improves. Step-parents can be really awful and unfortunately it seems to be quite common for them (women more so) to marry someone a lot older, deliberately alienate the children and then isolate the person (stop them from having friends, change their Will, spend up all their money etc), particularly with foreign brides.
This may be difficult, but sometimes bullies need to be confronted with firm facts such as , " Stop your verbal abuse , as it is inappropriate and I will not be subjected to it any longer." IF APS, ( Adult Protective Services) gets a phone call, which by the way can be done anonymously, they must follow up on it; and when they do, they will define boundaries regarding a caregivers behaviors and subsequent consequences if they continue to get such reports. She definitely is presented here with control issues , bullying, and self serving behaviors among others ; all of which can come from many different sources including
mental illness on her part, or most likely GREED and CONTROL driven. If your father is alert and oriented and deemed capable of mentally making decisions for himself, then sadly, his wishes made known will be followed. I would also speak with your pastor or faith leader and your own physician for your own support needs. prayers and peace.
I did contact many agencies but they did nothing other than ask if I had proof of dementia and then say if he doesn't have dementia (or a cognitive problem), it is his free choice to stay living with her and the agencies cannot investigate, or step in and remove him. If he had dementia (and I would have had to provide medical evidence of it), then maybe they could help. But he was bedridden and she would not let doctors into the house. It is all extremely difficult to prove and get help with. I was told that if he doesn't have dementia and he is agreeable to staying there with her (no matter how elderly, sick or vulnerable he is) they cannot do anything as he is there of his own choice.
The agencies did nothing. The police do nothing and said they cannot do anything unless there is specific evidence of physical abuse or unless the person calls up themselves to lodge a complaint. I know you mean well in your comments by saying the agencies will help, but it has been my experience that agencies will NOT help unless you have actual physical proof and evidence that you can give them (photos, recordings, doctor's testimony, statements from neighbours etc.).
I contacted them several times and the agencies did nothing. Sadly, no one cared or actually provided any help. They all pretended to care, but unless I could provide specific evidence and actual photographs of physical abuse like bruises or broken bones and statements from doctors, they will not intervene. The agencies prioritise physical abuse cases (and even then, from talking to others I know, that is really hard to prove), and they were not interested in my situation which involved bullying behaviour of a vulnerable elderly person, and coercive control. It is not high on their list of priorities.
Sadly, domestic violence (like coercive control) and elder abuse is very common. To all those going through this sort of thing (any type of abusive situation), I wish you well and lots of luck, and hope things work out for you and your loved ones, as it is really awful. I still don't sleep well at night and not sure how I will ever move on from this.
APS should have investigated without proof of being incompetent. Doctors not being allowed in should have alerted them. The problem is the one being abused is afraid to speak up.
You don't have to answer this I am just curious. Did the step-mother get anything in the Will? Would love to think that Dad wised up and left her out of the Will.
But she controlled every single aspect of his life, so the Will would have been something she would have organised straight away. My father was not even allowed to have photos of his parents, or photos of his children or grandchildren. It's sad (and makes me angry) that he allowed her to treat him like that, and allowed her to treat HIS CHILDREN this way. He tolerated her abuse towards us.
It's a very sad situation but the lawyer I spoke to said this happens every day, and it's mainly young foreign women who go after older financially well off men. I don't know why the government doesn't warn older people about this as it seems to happen so often.
Just wanted to mention this in case anyone else is going through a similar situation - take a friend, neighbour, spouse or someone with you everytime you visit, as it might make a difference to the abusive person's behaviour...
I know you cannot change what happened, but maybe in time, the grimness will change into something else.
Something you can live with while you go on with your own life, seeking out what makes your life stable & peaceful.. or wild fun if that suits better.
A big chapter has closed. The new chapter has started.
My dad lives with my stepmother (his 3rd wife, I am a child from his first marriage) about 1,000 miles away from where I live. He had been living with me while he went through some health struggles, but we brought him back to good health (better than when he arrived) with a renewed life expectancy, so about a month ago he returned to his home with his wife. Over the first week or so we texted a couple of times. But then after about a week went by, I reached out to him again and got no reply.
After trying to reach him for a week, I finally reached out to his wife to find out if his contact information had changed. She has taken away his phone. She will not allow me to speak to him by calling her number. She will not allow him to receive email or even physical mail. Fortunately she said all of this in text messages, so I have it in writing, as I know that forced isolation from family is considered elder abuse in their state.
I have made a report to Adult Protective Services. I'm not sure what will happen now, my expectations are kind of low based on what I've read in this forum. My dad is on dialysis and I have concerns that she will prevent him from receiving treatment, or convince him that he no longer desires to receive those treatments. (They are broke, but there is a life insurance policy on my dad that will pay out significantly more if he passes in the next 2 months, before he turns 75.) I don't really know what else I can do, it is not realistic for me to physically travel to keep an eye on him. I may contact his dialysis center and ask if they can notify me if he misses appointments or stops receiving treatment. We have no family in the area who can check on him.
I refuse to speak with his wife 1:1, I have told her that all of our communication needs to be in writing, or we have a discussion that includes my dad. Because she will say things to me that she would deny to him, and I won't get involved in that.
Anyway, not really sure what I am looking for here but maybe just needed to get this out there...if anyone happens to see this and has advice I am all ears.
I am so very sorry you are going through a similar abuse situation with your stepmother; it is just awful and I wish I could help you. It's good you reported it to protective services and I really hope they can help you, but I will be realistic and let you know that I didn't receive any help from the authorities at all, despite the numerous reports I made.
It is horrible that your stepmother is stopping you from talking to your Dad. I have talked to many people and it seems many stepmothers are similar and they don't like their step children, particularly if there is any of your father's money involved. The actions of these horrible women is often about power and showing you that she is the boss of your father. Many of these women (and men - there are some horrible stepfathers out there too) thrive on power, control and greed. You cannot change her personality, and I'm not sure about your father's estate or circumstances, but usually they have a financial motive for the abuse.
It is good idea to contact his dialysis center and see if they can help him. Can you contact a neighbour or anyone else to check on your Dad? My stepmother isolated my father, and kept the phone out of reach of my father's bed (he was bedridden) and made it very difficult for him to call anyone or for me to speak to him.
I wish I had better advice for you, but unfortunately, it has been my experience that the laws are on the side of the spouse (even a spouse that greatly mistreats the person) and children are unfortunately not given much of a say over anything that happens to their parents. I am still very distressed over what happened to my father and I am very disappointed by the authorities as they did not intervene and they allow the abuse of the elderly to continue.
You could talk to a lawyer and try to get Power of Attorney and the ability to make decisions (medical, financial, legal etc.) on behalf of your Dad, I suspect your stepmother won't allow this to happen. You will need a lot of evidence if you want to challenge her (so it's good you are keeping emails, messages etc.).
You could also contact the Police in his area and ask them to do a 'welfare check' (say you haven't spoken to him for many weeks) on your father. Just be warned: You are in a horrific dilemma - If you raise concerns about how she abuses him, she will fight even harder against you and make your life hell. She will likely even treat your father even worse and be crueler to him - that was my experience, so it's a very tricky decision and situation to be in.
Please let me know how you go and happy to chat anytime.