How can I be there & help my best friend whose mother has stopped eating & drinking?

If "L's" mom is not on Hospice I would suggest that for her. Hospice would be a great support for her as well as her mom.
Be there for "L".
Support her.
Bring "L" a meal so she does not have to cook for herself. Portion a few and freeze them so she can have a meal when she can.
Ask her if there is anything you can do for her. Many times people have lists of things that need to get done and they get put on the back burner simply because there is not enough time in the day.

Just be there for her. The power of prayer is amazing and tell her it's not her fault that her mom stopped eating.

Primary Care Doctor and possibly Hospice. She also needs to hire caregiver help. Do not get sucked into being that caregiver. Be supportive but don’t go there.

DMallalone: An elder who has stopped eating and drinking may be approaching end of life. However, your friend's mother should be seen by her physician. Best wishes at this difficult time for your friend.

The problem here is that the daughter has to work to support herself. As a best friend, you can help by sitting with her mother and helping to research local hospice resources and other alternate care resources and costs. It sounds like the mother is not going to last long. Do allow yourself to be “sucked in” to caring for the mother at least long enough to help figure out what’s going on and find the right care.

Please research Hospice care information for caregivers. this information will provide you with compassionate caring information as to how to aid your friend.
Your friend needs to get her mom's doctor on board for in-home hospice care.
Sadly, many PCP's especially older ones are not up on why hospice and palliative care are so important to their patient and the patient's family.
Palliative and hospice care offer dignity to one's life not hasten their death which so many are afraid to accept and approach.

Your friend should speak to your Mom's doctor about this. Is your friend's mother of sound mind? If so, has your friend tried talking to her? If your friend's Mom has dementia, not being able to feed oneself is a symptom of advanced dementia. Has she tried Ensure or other liquid meals that are easy to swallow? Does she know her mother's advance medical directives? I know some people who have put in their directives that if they are not of sound mind and not able to feed themselves they do not want to be fed.

Dont get sucked into caregiving for your friends mom.

Have the friend to go to her Dr. and He will refer to Hospice. Hospice team will help. D.Kelso

I agree with others regarding Hospice. But here are a few other thoughts....
Give Mom anything soft that she likes, ice cream, broth, smoothies...
However, her Mom may just want to die and has chosen to stop eating. This happens very often.
My other thought is that perhaps she misses her daughter. Could someone help her to "facetime ", when your friend is at work?
Is it possible that someone could drop by during the day to make sure that Mom is being treated well.?
Thanks for being a friend.

I agree with everyone else to get Hospice involved...
When my grandmother was not eating or drinking and ended up at the ER, the doctor informed us that was what the end looked like. It was extremely painful for everyone involved. It was such a gut wrenching loss that has been ten years on and is still terribly painful. So you'll need to be there for your friend through the loss and Hospice is really important to work with your friend in a professional and empathetic way. You'll need to be there for your friend as they go thru this very hard time and afterwards as they cope with an eventual loss whether that be soon or in the years to come. Be a gentle sounding board for them and let them know they are doing the best they can. None of us can stop the march of time.

Sorry to hear this. Your friend could look into family medical leave act whereas, she can take intermittent time off or continuous time off to help her mom. This law was passed by Bill Clinton. This will not affect her job it will protect her. She can also hire a mental therapist for her mom as well as physical therapist. Get mom to eat purée (smoothies) fruity and veggie foods until she builds her strength. Please have her drink water throughout the day. (Vital) Through blood work. check out Dr. Michael Klaper, Dr. Neal Barnard and all my prayers check out Dr. Charles Stanley. God Bless u and ur friend and families. 🙏🏽 Amen!

Get hospice involved.. they are a God send…

I agree it may be time to talk with her about Hospice. Since her Mom is bedridden it would be impossible to get her to a Dr.

My Mom was on Hospice for two years, she is now going back to Palliative care. My Dad was also on Hospice. Neither of my parents were eating or drinking and at the end my Dad was hallucinating.

I was so upset but the Hospice nurse told me this was normal and that they were not uncomfortable. It was more uncomfortable to me and she was instrumental in helping understand the dying process. My Dad passed peacefully and Mom keeps on ticking.

I hope your friend will consider this approach.

you can be a huge help by letting her vent and a nice pot of soup would be comforting to her wt the end of a long day. Offer to pick up groceries and most of all what has really helped me is when a friend asks how I am. It usually brings me to tears because somehow in the last three years I forgot that My well being matters as well

Please advise L to take her mom to a doctor/ER to evaluate why she is not eating. She may have intestinal blockage, COVID (blunts taste and smell of food), or she may be ready to die. If she does not eat, L's mom will last for a couple of weeks. If she does not drink, L's mom will last only a week.

Suggest she get her evaluated for hospice. If she is a hospice patient; she will receive care through Medicare at no cost to your friend. They can advice her; and will provide counseling for her and her mom.
She may be nearing the end of her life (very common to stop eating/drinking). Be there for her to talk to.

Totally agree with bringing in Hospice. Your friend can hire a sitter while she’s at work and Hospice can take care of all the ADL’s the spiritual advisor and Social worker add one more layer. About the food part, it’s a sign that she may be ready to go to Heaven.

Your friend may not be accepting that her mother is dying. Your role might be to help arrange for a doctor or counselor to help help your friend deal with the reality of this journey.

This is usually caused by recurrent urine infections. I helped a family member by prayers -answered prayers. She came back of that stage of no eating Our faith is in Jesus Christ

Volunteer Stop Eating and Drinking (VSED) is very real, legal and may be the choice of the patient. It’s hospice assisted for pain management when organs start to shut down. Your friend should just make sure her passing is as comfortable as possible, whether voluntarily or not. God bless you for being such a concerned friend.

My dear friends attempt giving me advice all the time. It often feels like judgement. It feels like they know best. Suggest counseling so she can face the anticipatory grief she is feeling. I went for counseling and facing my moms death is now do-able. No simple answers for your friends anguish.

You can start by recommending that she now bring hospice on board as they will best be able to assist her through this trying time.
The fact that her mother has stopped eating and drinking can indicate that she has started her dying process, thus the hospice recommendation.
When the body is shutting down it can be very harmful and painful to try and force food or drink on someone, as hospice can explain to her.
You may also want to suggest to your friend that they now say whatever they feel they need to before her mother passes.
And you can just be there for her to give a hug when needed or a shoulder to cry on.

It could very well be that your friend's mother is now at the end of her life, or at least approaching that stage. The mother's PCP should be called for advice, first and foremost, and then to write an order for a hospice evaluation to see if that's why she's stopped eating, which is common as end of life draws near. Hospice, if approved, will help her stay comfortable right until the end. And they will provide a hospital bed, supplies, medications, a CNA to bathe the patient, all sorts of things, and all paid for totally by Medicare. I had hospice twice for both of my parents and they were phenomenal both times.

Wishing you and your friend the best of luck with a difficult situation.

Offer to help L but neither you nor L can make her mother eat. This is something she should be talking about with the mom’s doctor. Your help could include running errands for L or taking her a meal now and then, but she needs to handle the presenting problem herself.