How can I bring up a care decision issue with family members in a gentle way?
I've been taking care of my grandmother with dementia since my early teens, now I'm a young adult. My mother is the primary caregiver, but she is free only at weekends, so most of the care falls to me. Hospice/Care facility is not available for us, we live in a third world country.
I saw a post on this forum where people were talking about how they took care of elderly relatives for several decades and it was a hard reality check. I have no life at all outside of this role, and the thought of doing this until I'm middle aged horrifies me.
When I try to talk to my mother about this topic, she gets very defensive and immediately stops the conversation, ending up saying she doesn't know what to do and that's it.
How do I start talking about this topic in a way that shows my point of view but in a softer way? Has anyone experienced something similar?I'm not trying to find a way to get rid of my grandmother, don't get me wrong, but this issue is very scary and I would like to discuss it with my mother normally at least once.
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Your mom took you out of junior high to care for a demented schizophrenic. She is not going to be reasonable no matter what your tone. And as long as you keep worrying about the feelings of this child abuser, nothing will change.
You can also private message anyone if you choose to do that.
It's hard for Americans to understand a mother who would take a child out of school to care for a grandparent. We have laws here that stop such a thing from happening.
If you are able to work on weekends and save money, you'll need to move out and leave mom to figure out the grandma problem on her own. It's not that you don't love her, it's that what is happening to you is wrong. Because mom feels stuck is no reason to enslave you in this role. Trust me, once you're gone, she WILL figure something else out. But don't leave until you are ready.
We sympathize with you, we just look at things a bit differently in the USA than elsewhere. Wishing you the very best of luck.
Are there no nursing homes where you live ? How is this handled by other families in your country ? I know I already asked you in your other thread if this was common where children get pulled out of school at a young age to become caregivers and you answered “ No not at all.”
If there are nursing homes , why is Mom resistive to placing grandma in one ? Or is it the cost that is the problem . Is there no government help for elders who can’t afford a nursing home ?
We’ve already told you in your last thread that you need to tell Mom that you can’t do this anymore . Find a way to leave . Get a job on the weekends now save travel money so you can leave , then go back to your original country and find a job , possibly join the military so you will have free housing or work on a cruise ship company , or any other paying job that you can get free housing until you save more money to be able to get an apartment and a new job.
I don’t know how bringing it up softer is going to make any difference when your mother thinks there is nothing that can be done differently. You will need to just find a way to leave .
For now , just tell Mom that for your mental health you will not be home most of the weekend and save the money you make from a job . Do not give your money to your mother . Do not have your mother’s name on your bank account . You do not owe your mother any money , rent or any expenses. You are already working as a full time caregiver for free . You are the one they owe money to . Free room and board doesn’t equate to nearly what the work you have done is worth . You should be getting paid on top of free room and board .
I would softly tell Mom that your mental health is suffering and you need ways to find help for that . Including getting a paid job and meeting people , friends your own age. I think you should also go out at least one weekday evening as well . I would keep reminding Mom she needs to find another solution because you can not do this forever .
I find it hard to believe that there is nowhere to place a person with severe mental health problem like your grandmother has . If I recall you said she’s schizophrenic and has dementia and throws feces around the home . Since you told me in your other thread that it’s not common for teens to be pulled out of school for caregiving , there must be nursing homes or psychiatric hospitals . Your mother is just refusing to place your grandmother . Your mother most likely has a guilty feeling about doing it . You have been the one your mother is sacrificing here . Get out , find a way to leave .
If you revealed what country you live in, then someone on this global forum may have solutions for you.
Does your country have something equivalent to America's social services? Every county in every state has this.
You've already tried to broach the topic with your Mom and got shut down because she has no solutions, either -- or doesn't like what the alternative would be. She's probably very burnt out and would love to give it up herself but doesn't see how that is possible.
If you told her that you are done as of XX date (like 30 or 60 days) then it will force her to talk to you about other options. But you will have to be resolute and not change your mind or extend your participation.
I would be researching this topic for your resident country. Surely there must be some sort of social program for elders who have no family to care for them?
You have to decide what you want out of your life.
Go with polite but honest.
Take courage!!
You have this!
Id say take one step at a time , which you have started. And I commened you for taking that first step.
It's about 2 steps forward, one step back, keep moving forward and don't stop, if you take a step backwards, it happens, just brush your self off and move forward.
One thing I do know some may not have the right suggestion that work for your customs or country, but here the biggest thing is, WE CARE" and everything we say is because we care.
In my opinion, you need to get some self esteem, that is in my opinion your next step, that's meaning if you can not do what really needs to be done , which is leave. Your name only shows me you have no, self easteem. YOU MATTER, get that drilled into you head.
You need to get yourself, emotionally, physically, and mentally stronger. .
I think you now need to set boundaries and tell your mom, dad if you have one that you will NOT do the same for them and they have to begin to make other arrangements.
Your mother is in denial.
She has to begin to see what you are going through. (is it possible that she was doing what you are doing when she was your age with another relative maybe your great grandmother an aunt? Maybe that is why she can't see, it is an a generational expectation)
You do have the option of just simply walking away.
Somehow, someway your mom will find a way to have her mother cared for. Either she will step up or there will be a caregiver that will step in.
But I am guessing since you have been doing this for quite some time you have no support system, friends, savings of any kind or a way to leave. So you remain stuck! I am sorry for that. You are to young to be forced into this servitude.