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There are so many good suggestions here I do not need to go through them again, but I want to add my vote! GET HIM OUT! You do not deserve to be any man's slave. Do whatever it takes, but give yourself permission to live a peaceful life. I finally had to break with my mother (we did not live together) to relieve the constant stress, pressure, shrieking, and manipulative turmoil she reveled in. I finally had peace. Good luck. We are behind you.
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WHAT!?? had to pick my jaw up off the floor! He is an abuser and user and it doesn’t matter how he’s let his health slide that is not your fault. He doesn’t get to decide to use you unless you let him and sadly, you have. My dear, you need to figure out how to get very strong boundaries and stand up to him. Unless he’s footing all your bills, I don’t see why he gets to call the shots. Send him packing and regain your life. He’s not a nice person and you don’t deserve to be treated like this.
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adding my vote here... send him packing .,.. what a selfish twat he has been and to have been abusing you since 1992 !!!!
either its a rest home or the prison. his choice, give him 2 wks to organise it. if he isnt gone by then. you shall be taking legal action.
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My dear child, if you continue going the way you are now, your father will outlive you. Who will take care of him if something should happen to you. It is time for you to take charge of this situation and do what is best for YOU and your father. At this stage of his life, he is not going to change not one iota of what he is thinking. Does he have any social security or retirement monies coming in. If so, you need to do whatever you have to do to take charge of his finances. You need help and working a second job is not the answer. My prayers go out to you. Good Luck and I pray that you will get so relief soon.
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You should have left home when you were 18 years old and lived your life. I’m not being mean, but it’s the truth. You owe your parents nothing. There is no reason to care for your father in a “emotional incestuous” relationship. Your father could have taken care of himself. All the advice I can say is you need to put your father in a home and start living your life. No excuses.
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Katrina69 Jul 2019
Kind of nasty thinking that you owe your parents nothing. Didn't they take care of you when you were young? I agree that she/he needs to do something for themself because things will get worse as time goes on.
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My dear young lady, you do not need to put up with the behaviour that your father is exhibiting towards you. He says - "It will be a cold day in hell before I give up my life for any of yours." BUT your life IS his! What the blazes is he thinking? Who is "the little sister?" Your biological sibling? Nevertheless, you MUST end this, else you fall faint and ill. This is INSANITY! He'll have to move out. Even if he was a nice human being, you could NOT keep this up! My goodness!! This caregiving has been going on since 1992?!?! I don't see this going well at all. This is an accident waiting to happen!
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I here you going through almost the same thing. It is the insidious disease, it literally tears away part of their brain and they can't understand what they're doing most of the time. I've bern taking a Caregiver training course that is free and it has helped a lot I strongly recommend it. It's called Savvy Caregiver Training and through that and being around others that are going through this process you'll know you're not alone. Even the teacher is a caregiver.
There are also elder daycare centers that he can go to so you can get a break. My dad is in Dialysis 3x's a week so that's when I do what I need to to. If he was a Vet you can get a CNA to come in for a few hours a week and get some 'me' or if you go to church or have friends that would be willing to help you don't say no that was my problem but I am learning.
It is good that you're reaching out. It does help to vent.
Get him a life line monitor of some kind and if you go out and God forbidshe falls or something it will contact 911 or any # that it is programmed to call.
If he's a Veteran ask them first about their programs for him and you! Go to the doctor he can help with some anxiety issues and a transition counselor.
Prayers help
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Dreamer80701 Aug 2019
He was in the military but they say that he wasn't in long enough for any benefits. I have wanted to get a monitor for him and have healthcare come in but have one major issue. The dogs. They are not really social and one has bitten before. If he bites again he will be put down. I don't want to cause any harm. I do work so i get a break there but he has to know when i go and when i am off and if there is any variance in times he gets mad. As far as friends.. I have none. I lost them a long time ago when i couldn't go with them because of him. I don't date because of him. I get up take care of him until I go to work and then come home and repeat process. I am stuck watching his oldies tv shows cuz i cant afford to have multiple units.. i am stuck just sitting in the room with him because if i go for five minutes without telling him where i will be he is hollering asking where i am. Just emotionally exhausted.
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You need to place him in an Independent Living facility. Do not use your money, use his. If he doer have enough, look at Medicaid. You are a daughter, not a slave.
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Lostinva Jul 2019
Amen
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Your dad sounds like a Narcissist. An actual diagnosable Narcissist! Fancy calling you a B and enjoying watching your servitude. Rule no. 1. regarding Narcissists, never do anything for a Narcissist that they cannot do themselves. Then, time for you to pack a suitcase and get away fast! This man sounds like he can sort out his own mess, but prefers to live with slaves. You are being emotionally abused! Get out before you have a stroke!
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My dear friend I’m sorry for your troubles. You took on this responsibility when your Dad was fully able at the age of 50. Your Mom died early. This is a wake up call. Call the county for the Dept. of Aging and ask for Social Services or Palliative Care Services who can recommend Social Services. They’ll come out and evaluate your Dad’s health and recommend some Assisted Living places he can go. Your Dad is still young and responsible enough to learn how to care for himself. You can call him once a day and visit once a week to show your love. God Bless you.
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Dreamer, how are you doing? Have you found a way out of the mess with your dad?

Most importantly have you found peace with the fact that you are not responsible for his life?
Do come back and let us know how you are doing and what is working, we learn from one another and would love your input.
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Dreamer80701 Aug 2019
No I haven't . I am still in the same situation. No one wants to help me to diagnose him and he keeps refusing to go. I am still stuck. I feel like crud with guilt but at the same point I am through soooo through with all of this. I am only making all else happy and wonder when it is time I do the same for me. I know that I am not responsible for his life and have even told him so to his face but still am in the same situation and still feeling the same. Thanks for checking in on me. I am trying to find other options and will report back I promise.
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He sounds like he can live on his own, He has all his faculties and if you could find him independent living associated with assisted living/nursing home facilities, so that if he needs help, he can be moved, you can get your life back. Enough is enough with his abuse.
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Hugs
i would contact an elder social worker through the in an assist living place
Take time for you
This needs to stop otherwise you will be having other medical issues
Get to an support group for yourself
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Lostinva Jul 2019
Good advice!!!
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This sounds a lot like my dad. He grew up in a large family where the children were looked at as free labor. As for your dad, if it was my house, I would move him out. Yes he might not speak to you for a while, but he will get over it. In my case, I don't have this choice, unfortunately, but YOU have gotten your chance - take it! Get out and have a life. Don't be like me.
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Dreamer80701 Aug 2019
We all have choices.. and I hear what you are saying too. I think we are more alike than you know because well.. i am stuck too...
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My god, what on earth are you doing putting up with a man like this. He sounds obnoxious and I would not have him around for one second - he would be gone. First, don't take this out on the poor dogs, they are innocent - and I hope you will keep them and care for them. But as far as he goes, I would simply stand up to him once and for all, with fists bared and teeth showing, and tell him all that occurred in the past is going to stop NOW. Tell him you have a life to live and you are going to start living it at once - without him. But before you do this, check with the medical people and have a few options checked out. He needs to be placed somewhere away from you - either a facility or a caretaker. Do NOT let him destroy you any further. he sounds horrible. He may also not only be horribly selfish, he may have dementia. You must get him out of your life at once.
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Leave now! For heavens sake this is not a third world country! Call Adult Protective Services, tell them you can’t do it any more, pack a bag and leave. I would think you could qualify for a place in a shelter for battered women.

Sorry, just reread your post and see that he lives with you. I would still consult with Adult Services and ask if they can help. You need to get out of this situation. Tell them that you father is in danger because you might do him harm!
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Please keep us posted
Do look into other situations for the both of you. I strongly recommend to look up your elder care agency. Mine is Elder Options, they have counselors & people you can talk too. If you don't have that try your Community Hospice for help and resources.
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Dreamer80701 Aug 2019
Thank you. I know that they can help. I need to find a way to get there cuz I am monitored on every place i go. I have to tell him what I am doing and when I will be back. He gets mad if I don't. Prison with work release. 46 and still no life.
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By putting him down n a care home
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I think I would tell daddy dearest I'm putting the house up for sale and moving, alone, to Timbuktu. The closing will happen approximately 60 days after a contract is signed and where would he like to go once that happens? Because he is NOT repeat NOT, moving to Timbuktu with you. It's a one-woman hut with one straw mat you'll be moving to, so there'll be no room at the inn. It's been real dad, but now it's time for you to make new living arrangements. You can offer to help him get settled in a new place if he'd like, but that's all you can do from here on out. You won't be able to get him to understand reason, but you WILL be able to get him to understand EVICTION.
Enough is MORE than enough. If it were me, I'd be happy to move far far away and start my life over, fresh and new. You certainly deserve to. You've more than paid your dues to someone who's undeserving of your kindness for one more moment.
All the very best to you, dear woman
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Dreamer80701 Aug 2019
Well I have quit paying the mortgage but now facing reality that i have no place to live soon if they foreclose. Had to do it this way because he is a signer on my house too and was put on only because i needed help a few years ago. He wont sign sales papers. Want to move to FL to start fresh but ... well...grrr
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Sounds like you need to hire Attila the Hun as a caregiver for this man. Sorry for the joke, but I think you and the dogs really need to get out of this mess. Obviously, he doesn't give 2 licks about you and doesn't appreciate you.
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You can’t convince him. You’ve been at this for 27 years!...and he knows you will keep serving him. You sound like an absolute angel, and frankly a better person than me because I could not do what you do. I brought my mother to my house because she did not adjust to dad’s move to LTC...and I regret it! I am slowly becoming the house servant, and she is happy to let me be. However..her memory is failing and she has done several things that made me reconsider her staying here... has left my house garage open several times for hours at a time...put food in oven at high temp, walked away and burned everything, smoke everywhere and she was oblivious...and last week started a fire in the microwave. I was only outside the house for 2 minutes when she did this. I have had enough of serving and being a prisoner, and living in fear that tomorrow is the day that something terrible happens... not to mention i have lost my privacy, can’t go on vacation, ad have become a semi caregiver...she is moving to a facility and I have ZERO GUILT. We are going to sign paperwork tomorrow. Bless you for caring, but you have sacrificed enough for this narcissistic, abusive man that treats you terribly. Please take back your life and live happy. Best wishes!
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Dreamer80701 Aug 2019
I still haven't been able to get him to go to a home. I am still doing all and more. I wish I could not feel guilty but I do. I am at my wits end. I know he will just escape the homes and treat all like he does me and they will kick him out and I still will be stuck. Just still stuck..
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Why does he have to understand. Find a reason to get him to the ER and refuse to bring him home.
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Dreamer, If they kick him out, they will be responsible for finding another facility.

Stop doing for him. Just stop. He doesn't need to agree.
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Would you stay in a relationship if you were physically being beaten day after day? Probably not because you would be dead! How dare he says what he does and behaves as he does. You need to cut this off now. It is not his call anymore. If you want to help and find an alternative living situation using his financial resources then extend yourself to that point. You are being bullied in the worse way. It is simply beyond time for this to continue if you desire any worthfullnes for your life.
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Have you called the Area Agency on Aging and asked for a needs assessment, and to tell them that you will be evicting him?

Have you found out how to start eviction proceedings?

Have you identified an Assisted Living facility?

Have you applied for Medicaid on his behalf?

Look, if he lives with you, you hold the cards. YOU get to say who resides in your home. Not him.

Why would you feel guilty? Have you done something wrong? Who is telling you that your mentally I'll parent is your responsibility? He's not!
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Geaton777 Aug 2019
Barb, below she said he is a co-signer on the mortgage... I don't think he can be kicked out?
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Since you don't really have any ability to force him out (as his name is also on the title or mortgage) then you have no other option but to leave. Unless he touches you... then u call 911 and HE leaves. Do you know anyone that would be willing to allow you to "couch surf" for awhile till you get on your feet? Anyone in your place of worship (if you attend one)? Maybe see if there's any house-sitting openings in your locale? Stop paying any of his bills with your money and use it for housing and self-care. As literally everyone on this thread has suggested, get out.
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Oh my word! My heart bleeds for you. You are in an awful situation. I am so very sorry you are dealing with this.

Haven’t read answers so if I repeat I am sorry. Does your dad any medical reasons that effect his mental ability to be a kind human being, let alone a decent father to you? He has tons of physical issues that you and he are coping with.

Look, I think you have stated everything so clearly that other than asking about cognitive issues I don’t have any other questions for you.

You’ve stated that you have had enough. I don’t blame you one single bit. I’ve been mom’s primary caregiver for 14 years already. It’s really hard. How well I know.

I think you have done enough and if you place dad in a facility no one would judge you and if anyone does, so what! He has been your responsibility. not anyone else’s so they can’t possibly understand your situation.

I say, go for it! Place your dad in a facility. You’ve got a job, two in fact. Been there, done that. It’s really difficult. I have so much respect for you! You aren’t dependent on him. He is dependent on you, but hopefully not for too much longer!

Actually, you have three jobs! After placing dad you will go back down to two jobs and then hopefully back to one.

I wish you all the happiness in the world. Best of luck to you.
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