I am a 43 year old divorced woman. I have a 23 year old daughter who I raised as a single mother. She now works and is independent. I was finally able to save enough for a down payment for my first house.
My father never liked working. He went several years without a job during periods of his youth. My mom was always the one working to support me and my sister. My mom finally divorced him and if you ask me, she put up with him for too many years. When he finally did start working steady in his 50's he couldn't wait to turn 63 to retire. As a result, he get has no savings and gets the minimum amount of social security. He can't afford a decent place to live. He lived in a miserable boarding house in a dangerous neighborhood for eight years until I bought my house 2 years ago and made the mistake of bringing him to live with me out of feeling sorry for him. He was not a good father growing up. He was verbally abusive to me and my sister. I thought he had changed but now that he lives with me I come to find he has not.
He has a strange form of OCD. Long story short, he does the exact same thing at the same time every day, including going to the bathroom. He takes two 40 minute showers every day and when he gets out he still goes to wash his hands. My water bill is through the roof. He is also extremely wasteful of paper towel, toilet paper, soap. The one time I finally mustered the courage to ask him to be more mindful of his use of supplies he snapped at me. He told me he did not like being bothered for "stupid things" and that by asking him I was demonstrating that I was "quite worthless" for worrying about petty things. That incident triggered an instant reminder of all the verbal abuse he put my me and my sister through growing up. As a result I can't tolerate his presence. I don't want him living with me. But he has nowhere to go but back to that boarding house. He is not in a financial position to afford anything else. His social security barely covers any of his expenses.
I don't know what to do. I can't live like this for the rest of my life. I would like to meet someone and rebuild my life. But with him in my house, I will never be able to do that. How can I possibly have anybody over with his behavior?
Sorry for going on but I have so much bottled inside.
Unfortunately you have already allowed him to come to your home. This will make it very difficult to change. I would see professional help, and take him with you to counseling so you can explain how and why you do not wish him to be living with you the remainder of his life, while he takes the long slow slide.
Your Sister hasn't taken on this care? Why, do you suppose, that she has not? Whatever her excuses are I would ask to borrow some of them.
It's time to tell your father you do not wish to live with him, and you and he need to explore ways for him to move forward. As far as I am concerned the Boarding Home sounds fine. It isn't being homeless, which is the state some end up in.
Again, this is your choice. Only you can make it.
His OCD might be treatable with medication, too. I wouldn't let that change your mind about moving him out, but it could help make his miserable life a little less miserable.
Sit him down, have a talk that he needs to move back to the boarding house (or find something a little better for him if possible), give him a deadline, and stick to it. Offer to take him to a doctor for the OCD, but if he doesn't want to go, don't push him.
I assume he's still competent, and you didn't say how old he is, so he will have to deal with his life his own way.