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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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Buy the book "The 36-Hour Day" by Mace and Rabins (preferably the Fifth Edition) as soon as you can. You've got lots to learn. It's basically my Bible now.
"Coping with your wife" is your new full time job. Prepare yourself.
What part of this change are you having trouble coping with? The increase in your need to do all the errands? Her anger over losing this privilege?
With my 95-yr old Mom, her primary doctor is the one who ordered a driving assessment through the OT department of our clinic. She failed and the OT then had a discussion with her about what this meant (the failure is noted in her medical record, which will go to her primary doctor). The her primary doctor was obligated to report it to our Dept of Public Safety. This Dept sent my Mom a letter telling her that her license has been cancelled. Now when she threatens to drive I remind her that it wasn't my decision, but that of both the doctor, OT and state -- and that she'll get into legal trouble if she so much as leaves the driveway and will pay a hefty fine when ticketed. So far this has worked. I'm trying to get her to be the one to say she is ready to sell the car -- and I've told her I want her to retain her dignity and not force me to force her to do it. So far, it's going better than I imagined.
Make others the "bad guys" and say it's out of your control. But if she still acts like she wants to drive then yes you will need to control the keys.
Since you have not really given any info here is what I can offer. 1. Accept that you are now going to have to take your wife where she wants to go, where you want to go. Taking her car keys is a wise thing. Make sure that she can not get hold of them. If she had her own car get rid of it so that she will not see it and want to drive.
2. Get yourselves to an Elder Care Attorney. Get all the paperwork that you need done done. POA, for both Health and Finances. Make sure that you will be able to make decisions for her when she can't. Set up a "Special Needs Trust" that will protect her if something happens to you. Have End of Life decisions written down and make sure that they are signed by the people that need them to be signed. (depending on her level of dementia all this should be easy, if it has progressed there may be more problems so do all this ASAP)
3. Start now and get her involved in an Adult Day Program if there is one near you. Or if there is a Senior Center where she can get involved in activities. (if this is early stage you might be able to drop her off for an hour or two at a Senior Center and she will be fine)
4. Start and get a caregiver to come in and help you. If you begin early she will get used to having help. You can start by introducing the caregiver as a "friend from church or the "garden club". (if you might be resistant to having someone come in get over it, you are going to need help)
5. If you do not think you will be able to care for her begin looking for Memory Care facilities that will be able to meet her care needs. If you do think you will be able to care for her begin making changes to your house to accommodate her decline. (remove carpet, put down water proof or water resistant flooring. re do bathroom so that at least 1 has a zero entrance shower (much easier for a walker, shower wheelchair or a Hoyer Lift.)
6. Do things now that you have wanted to do. If you wait it will get more difficult if not impossible to do things like travel.
My wife wants to drive every day and taking her keys was very difficult. We tell her that the her neurologist is responsible. I do not want to be responsible for her injuring or killing someone, so taking the keys is an easy decision. Several persons tell you about taking the car away which is great if it is their car. My wife is still at home and we both have used the car, so we've developed "stories" and hide the keys. The "home" where she wants to go is being remodeled. Electricity is off..there is no AC. Work is closed. It is a holiday. Try to be in his mind, twenty or thirty years ago. When my wife takes her keys to go, I kiss her goodbye. I give her a hug and say, "if the remodeling is a problem or AC is out she is welcome back here. I love you." She tries all keys on her key ring and comes back in the house. When she does, I welcome her back.
This may seem drastic, but it what I am considering. Divorce.
Dh has moderate cognitive impairment, dr. says he is still okay to drive, I disagree but don't have a leg to stand on until dr. agrees. (I am hoping his heart issues take him before the dementia does.) If dh won't give up his license, I'll be seeing a lawyer. That in itself might be enough to cause him to surrender his license.
Take the damn car keys away then. Do your duty by your wife, sir. Your spouse with dementia has no right to endanger my life or anyone else's because she still allowed to get behind the wheel.
Let her complain. Let her rant, rave, cry, and throw tantrums. Ignore her. Cope with it any way you can just don't let her drive. If she becomes too much for you to handle, put her in a care facility.
You should try hiring some homecare first though. Get her a companion who will take her out and do the driving. It will give you a break and will be good for your wife too.
I was terrified to take moms car keys away, but she had Lewy body dementia, and it was necessary. At the time we had my brother disable the car, but she called a mechanic to the house luckily, he called me, and I explained the situation to him and asked him to tell her that the part had to be ordered and wouldn't come in for a few weeks. Mom was a delivery driver most her life and driving was her thing. Mom has been gone now for 10 years and I always questioned that. The thing that makes me okay with that decision is that I know her, and she would never want to hurt anyone.....so we kept her from that.
You either deal with your wife's dementia at home yourself, hire in home caregivers to relieve you, or you place her in a Memory Care Assisted Living residence and visit her there.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
"Coping with your wife" is your new full time job. Prepare yourself.
With my 95-yr old Mom, her primary doctor is the one who ordered a driving assessment through the OT department of our clinic. She failed and the OT then had a discussion with her about what this meant (the failure is noted in her medical record, which will go to her primary doctor). The her primary doctor was obligated to report it to our Dept of Public Safety. This Dept sent my Mom a letter telling her that her license has been cancelled. Now when she threatens to drive I remind her that it wasn't my decision, but that of both the doctor, OT and state -- and that she'll get into legal trouble if she so much as leaves the driveway and will pay a hefty fine when ticketed. So far this has worked. I'm trying to get her to be the one to say she is ready to sell the car -- and I've told her I want her to retain her dignity and not force me to force her to do it. So far, it's going better than I imagined.
Make others the "bad guys" and say it's out of your control. But if she still acts like she wants to drive then yes you will need to control the keys.
1. Accept that you are now going to have to take your wife where she wants to go, where you want to go. Taking her car keys is a wise thing. Make sure that she can not get hold of them. If she had her own car get rid of it so that she will not see it and want to drive.
2. Get yourselves to an Elder Care Attorney. Get all the paperwork that you need done done. POA, for both Health and Finances. Make sure that you will be able to make decisions for her when she can't. Set up a "Special Needs Trust" that will protect her if something happens to you. Have End of Life decisions written down and make sure that they are signed by the people that need them to be signed. (depending on her level of dementia all this should be easy, if it has progressed there may be more problems so do all this ASAP)
3. Start now and get her involved in an Adult Day Program if there is one near you. Or if there is a Senior Center where she can get involved in activities. (if this is early stage you might be able to drop her off for an hour or two at a Senior Center and she will be fine)
4. Start and get a caregiver to come in and help you. If you begin early she will get used to having help. You can start by introducing the caregiver as a "friend from church or the "garden club". (if you might be resistant to having someone come in get over it, you are going to need help)
5. If you do not think you will be able to care for her begin looking for Memory Care facilities that will be able to meet her care needs.
If you do think you will be able to care for her begin making changes to your house to accommodate her decline. (remove carpet, put down water proof or water resistant flooring. re do bathroom so that at least 1 has a zero entrance shower (much easier for a walker, shower wheelchair or a Hoyer Lift.)
6. Do things now that you have wanted to do. If you wait it will get more difficult if not impossible to do things like travel.
Dh has moderate cognitive impairment, dr. says he is still okay to drive, I disagree but don't have a leg to stand on until dr. agrees. (I am hoping his heart issues take him before the dementia does.) If dh won't give up his license, I'll be seeing a lawyer. That in itself might be enough to cause him to surrender his license.
Let her complain. Let her rant, rave, cry, and throw tantrums. Ignore her. Cope with it any way you can just don't let her drive.
If she becomes too much for you to handle, put her in a care facility.
You should try hiring some homecare first though. Get her a companion who will take her out and do the driving. It will give you a break and will be good for your wife too.
Sounds like you got some desions to make. Are you planning on keeping your wife home? Are you learning about dementia?
If your frustrated that your wife can't drive, your about to get even more frustrated when she can't do the many things she does now.
Do you have your home set for things like a safe shower, or when she starts wondering, getting into things
I'm sorry about your wife. This is a long road
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