Your mother should be placed in a care facility. Your siblings do not want to take care of her. I am sure they have valid reasons for why they don't and you should talk to them about it. I am speaking from experience when I say that even though kids grow up in the same house with the same family, they can have a different experience than the others. My brother would swear that my mother was the greatest mom ever. This would be because she kissed his a$$ every moment. His word was law from the time he was able to talk. She did not take out her anger, frustration, and passive/aggressive nonsense on him. She did not blame him for all the ills of the world and punish him for them. He was never her scapegoat and the person she could take it out on. I was. Maybe your siblings treat your mother like they do because they believe she's got it coming from them, and she just might. This is why they should not be involved in her care. Place her in a facility if you cannot handle all of it yourself and cannot bring in hired help. You don't deserve to be a care slave.
Can you explain to me more about what the living situation is here:
I read in your profile that you seem to be the only hands-on caregiver.
You say that the siblings are executors but an executor serves only to settle the will after death, so that is irrelevant right now. You say siblings are MPOA despite YOUR doing the hands on care. You make no mention of any POA for financial, yet you say you are "doing the financials". You say you receive no compensation. You say you have many children and grandchildren and are overwhelmed.
Now is added verbal abuse of mom by the siblings. As you are caregiver to your mom I am assuming this occurs in HER home or YOUR home, I am assuming mom suffers may suffer from some dementia?
After this history, on to some things in general: Do you have POA to do the financials and are you keeping meticulous records as would be required by law? Why have you and the siblings not done a careplan and a financial shared costsof living for you and mom with the help of an attorney? It is almost impossible to give care without both POA for medical and financial, and without shared costs.
I can only suggest the following: If you are caring for your Mom in your own home you let the siblings know that harshness will not be allowed there; that they will have to leave if they bicker with a mother who is unable to defend herself due to her condition. You let the siblings know that you may be unable now to continue in hands-on care of your mom due to other life requirements, and that you cannot continue in care of her at all at present without guardianship or conservatorship so as to be able to decide when and if on placement, and so as to be in control of her finances and health care.
I would attend yourself right away an appointment with an elder law attorney (if you are already POA this is paid for by your Mom; otherwise it is your expense). You should let him/her know the situation and seek options for future care of your mom, who does it and who has authority in any matters. You may need to apply for guardianship, but first do make certain you are able to handle and do all required in record keeping, as you describe yourself as overwhelmed already.
I think you have a complex situation here with more than a few problems involved, and it won't be an "easy fix" in any way. I sure feel bad for all you are taxed with and I surely do wish you well. Take it a step at a time.
Since aging so often brings varying degrees of dementia, it's a sort of 'regression' into a 'childlike' state. Perhaps suggest your siblings think of mom as a child; no one in their right mind would treat a child the way you describe them treating your mother. Even if she was a 'bad' mother, and sibs are somehow now giving her some sort of 'payback', they need to know she is not a the same person anymore but is more like a helpless child. All the best for all of you.
Thinking of the abusive parent as a helpless child doesn't work. Know what happens in many families (my own growing up) when the child "acts up"? They get a beating. They get sent to bed with no supper. They get brow-beaten and berated until they finally break down. There is no acceptable consequences for when a senior "acts up" other than ignoring them when possible or making arrangements for others to take over their care needs.
You can explain all you want to your siblings. Suggest they educate themselves on caregiving, matters of aging, cognitive decline etc. They may take some of it on - or they may ignore & not change their ways at all.
What they do is outside your control.
Try to focus on what you CAN control. Eg Your involvement with them & what you do for/with your Mom.
Do you think Mom's current level of care/help is enough?
Is the situation stressful, hurtful, dangerous?
What would make improvements? (Besides re-inventing your siblings).
Time to tell siblings you are no longer caring for Mom and she needs to be placed in MC if she can afford it or LTC on Medicaid. I would never do what you are doing without POA for financial or medical. Time to use that inheritance. You are doing all the caregiving while they reap the rewards.
What you've said in your profile and your post don't seem to match. In your profile you state that you're the only and full-time caregiver for your mom who lives next store to you and that your siblings, if they come only sit around and do nothing and expect you to do it all. So if that's the case, why are they yelling at and scolding her, if it's you that's doing all the hands on work? I'm a bit confused. And what are they yelling and scolding at her about? Or is it you that they're yelling at and scolding? Until you get a little more specific with your question, I'm not sure any of us can properly answer it, other than to tell you to just stay away from moms home until your siblings leave. And since you live right next store, that should be easy enough to do.
Vernice, I think that we cannot change other people. I wonder if you can tell me this?
Was the household always a bit chaotic? That is to say, when your siblings were younger, not caring for Mom, but Mom caring for THEM, was it always a bit overboard?
Family dynamics are a bit like a sub-culture. A culture within a culture. Some families are volatile and loud, interrupting one another, lots of hand gestures, lots of debate and argument. And some families are quiet, sweeping any problem under a rug. Think of the huge Italian family dinner with wine and spaghetti and everyone talking at once versus the British upper crust dinner in which correct utensils are practiced and the back is kept straight. Where people speak one at a time and about nothing much?
You don't give us specifics, nor give us much about your mom's condition, or her reaction to what you see happening. So I can't really be certain. If you are suspecting actual abuse, that isn't OK, and I hope you can fill us in a bit more.
I am speaking from experience when I say that even though kids grow up in the same house with the same family, they can have a different experience than the others.
My brother would swear that my mother was the greatest mom ever. This would be because she kissed his a$$ every moment. His word was law from the time he was able to talk. She did not take out her anger, frustration, and passive/aggressive nonsense on him. She did not blame him for all the ills of the world and punish him for them. He was never her scapegoat and the person she could take it out on.
I was.
Maybe your siblings treat your mother like they do because they believe she's got it coming from them, and she just might.
This is why they should not be involved in her care. Place her in a facility if you cannot handle all of it yourself and cannot bring in hired help.
You don't deserve to be a care slave.
I read in your profile that you seem to be the only hands-on caregiver.
You say that the siblings are executors but an executor serves only to settle the will after death, so that is irrelevant right now. You say siblings are MPOA despite YOUR doing the hands on care. You make no mention of any POA for financial, yet you say you are "doing the financials". You say you receive no compensation. You say you have many children and grandchildren and are overwhelmed.
Now is added verbal abuse of mom by the siblings. As you are caregiver to your mom I am assuming this occurs in HER home or YOUR home, I am assuming mom suffers may suffer from some dementia?
After this history, on to some things in general:
Do you have POA to do the financials and are you keeping meticulous records as would be required by law?
Why have you and the siblings not done a careplan and a financial shared costsof living for you and mom with the help of an attorney? It is almost impossible to give care without both POA for medical and financial, and without shared costs.
I can only suggest the following:
If you are caring for your Mom in your own home you let the siblings know that harshness will not be allowed there; that they will have to leave if they bicker with a mother who is unable to defend herself due to her condition.
You let the siblings know that you may be unable now to continue in hands-on care of your mom due to other life requirements, and that you cannot continue in care of her at all at present without guardianship or conservatorship so as to be able to decide when and if on placement, and so as to be in control of her finances and health care.
I would attend yourself right away an appointment with an elder law attorney (if you are already POA this is paid for by your Mom; otherwise it is your expense).
You should let him/her know the situation and seek options for future care of your mom, who does it and who has authority in any matters. You may need to apply for guardianship, but first do make certain you are able to handle and do all required in record keeping, as you describe yourself as overwhelmed already.
I think you have a complex situation here with more than a few problems involved, and it won't be an "easy fix" in any way. I sure feel bad for all you are taxed with and I surely do wish you well. Take it a step at a time.
Thinking of the abusive parent as a helpless child doesn't work.
Know what happens in many families (my own growing up) when the child "acts up"? They get a beating. They get sent to bed with no supper. They get brow-beaten and berated until they finally break down.
There is no acceptable consequences for when a senior "acts up" other than ignoring them when possible or making arrangements for others to take over their care needs.
They may take some of it on - or they may ignore & not change their ways at all.
What they do is outside your control.
Try to focus on what you CAN control. Eg Your involvement with them & what you do for/with your Mom.
Do you think Mom's current level of care/help is enough?
Is the situation stressful, hurtful, dangerous?
What would make improvements? (Besides re-inventing your siblings).
So if that's the case, why are they yelling at and scolding her, if it's you that's doing all the hands on work? I'm a bit confused. And what are they yelling and scolding at her about? Or is it you that they're yelling at and scolding?
Until you get a little more specific with your question, I'm not sure any of us can properly answer it, other than to tell you to just stay away from moms home until your siblings leave. And since you live right next store, that should be easy enough to do.
I wonder if you can tell me this?
Was the household always a bit chaotic? That is to say, when your siblings were younger, not caring for Mom, but Mom caring for THEM, was it always a bit overboard?
Family dynamics are a bit like a sub-culture. A culture within a culture. Some families are volatile and loud, interrupting one another, lots of hand gestures, lots of debate and argument. And some families are quiet, sweeping any problem under a rug. Think of the huge Italian family dinner with wine and spaghetti and everyone talking at once versus the British upper crust dinner in which correct utensils are practiced and the back is kept straight. Where people speak one at a time and about nothing much?
You don't give us specifics, nor give us much about your mom's condition, or her reaction to what you see happening. So I can't really be certain. If you are suspecting actual abuse, that isn't OK, and I hope you can fill us in a bit more.