My mom lives with us in the state of Washington. We have taken care of her financially for the last 10-18 years in some way. When she moved in with us 5 years ago, we agreed she would be active and contribute around the house with chores. She retired early at 62 with no retirement plan, is now 79 and has little to no social security. Has back issues, so she says she cannot work. Has stopped helping around the house in the last 2 years and rarely leaves her room. My husband and I work 2 jobs and make good money, but we feel resentful that she doesn’t help in any way around the house and feels somewhat entitled to the help she gets. We want her out of our house so we can have our own space. Not sure what to do with her situation.

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If I were in your shoes I would first accompany her to a doctor's appointment to discretely have her cognition and memory tested. There's no point is scooting someone out of your home who is unable to really help herself. Has she been unproductive in the past? Sounds like it based on your post. Is it possible that at 79 she may have the beginnings of dementia? Maybe. For me to have a clear conscience before showing her the door, I would get her assessed if at all possible first.
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Reply to Geaton777

Your mother would have to need help with 2 or more ADLs *activities of daily life* in order to qualify for Skilled Nursing and then you could apply for Medicaid to fund her long term care there. But I don't know that she has enough medical conditions to qualify for long term care. The 6 basic ADLs are:

1.Ambulating or functional mobility: To move about freely and safely.
2. Feeding: To feed oneself.
3. Dressing: To assemble an outfit and put clothes on properly.
4. Personal hygiene: To manage aspects of personal hygiene, such as bathing, grooming, and brushing teeth.
5. Continence: To control both bladder and bowel movements.
6. Toileting: To get to and from the restroom, use the restroom properly, and clean the self properly.

This is the trouble with moving a parent into our home; it often takes a miracle to get them out, and we're stuck caring for them in OUR senior years!!

I'd read her the riot act immediately and let her know you expect her to pull her weight around the house starting today. Look into finding her a room in a house that she can pay rent towards and be someone else's roommate. You may have to finance that, too, since her SS check is so small which is not ideal, but at least you'd get her out of your house and living independently once again. This is providing she doesn't have enough health issues to qualify for Skilled Nursing.

Medicaid does not normally pay for Assisted Living. You can ask an Elder Care attorney for advice, perhaps they can guide you about Medicaid facilities that would pay for long term care for an elder w/o significant health issues, I don't know.

Wishing you the best of luck finding a solution to this long term problem you've been facing.
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Reply to lealonnie1

At 79 and trying to break a habit that you caused is not fair. 18 years of taking care of her financially, now you want to stop. What are your expectations for her when she leaves? She won’t last long on her own (away from you). The mistake happened 5 years ago when you moved her in, unless there was a dire need to do so, but kicking her out now is nothing short of cruel. 2 years locked up in a room is cause for concern. Back issues are no joke. Maybe she literally can not do what you expect due to health issues and cognitive decline, which CAN happen to the best of us. Have her evaluated, making her back a priority. Then decide if you want to kick her out at 79. Please don’t set out to make her life uncomfortable. Remember life comes full circle. She has, and so do you and your husband, less time ahead than what has been left behind. Blessing to her and you.
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Reply to Theshrimp
mstrbill Aug 28, 2022
I agree. The time to find other living arrangements for mom was years ago. It's not fair to her at this stage of her life, but if mom is truly able to live on her own than OP needs to get her on the list for senior housing where they take a portion of her income for rent.
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I can certainly understand why you’re resentful. Others have posted that you made a mistake by helping her all these years, but actually SHE is the one who set the ball rolling. How does she get the right to just decide she’s not going to take care of herself and someone else has to do it? Age 62 and no retirement plan, but your mom retires. Huh? She could have found another job, part-time or babysitting or anything to bring in income. She could have had a tidy little nest egg by now, especially since you’ve been helping her. No one has the right to be supported financially in their old age. We’re all supposed to plan for the eventuality of what is likely going to happen, which is getting old. If it takes sacrifice, like driving a ten-year-old car, we must do it. Or not taking vacations or not getting new clothes that we don’t need - we have to take those measures so we aren’t a financial burden to someone else. OP is a good daughter, but her mother? She needs to build some character but it’s too late for that.
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Reply to Fawnby

You can help her find Senior housing. Or she can look for a room for rent.
Assisted Living is not going to be funded in any way.
If she is a Veteran there may be help through the VA.
STOP helping her in any way.
She can buy her own food. She can fix her own meals, she can clean her own room, bathroom. And she can wash her own clothes when it is convenient for you or she can go to a laundromat.
If she has a TV in her room disconnect cable. If she uses computer or your WIFI change password and do not tell her what it is.
Make life a little more difficult for her and a lot fewer "perks". If she wants her benefits back she can pay for them.
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Reply to Grandma1954
KPWCSC Aug 28, 2022
If she is not a Veteran, there are also some Spousal benefits for a spouse if her former husband was a Veteran.
Your mother is not likely to be of much help around your house from her. As she gets older, she will contribute less and need more care herself. Expecting significant household help to justify her living with you is unrralistic.

You can help her find low cost housing, but Assisted Living is Private Pay. If she does not have the resourcrs to afford AL, you may have to decide if you and your husband want her out of your house badly enough to pay for her Assisted Living yourselves.
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Reply to RedVanAnnie

I agree with Geaton777. If she's been staying in her room the last 2 years there might be more going on with her. She might not be able to help with chores and could actually be suffering silently. If you can, get her to the doctor at least for her back. If she does have the beginning of dementia, in my experience, they are good at hiding it for a while.
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Reply to JustDucky00
Sarah3 Aug 28, 2022
This was a thought I had also, she’s about to turn 80 so of course at this point she wouldn’t have a outside job, at this age there could be something going on w her health that isn’t overtly obvious. When was the last time she had a thorough physical and mental evaluation?
Try section 8 or public housing then your local housing authority/HUD office. Also, have her apply for welfare and food stamps.
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Reply to Dianne4016

She may well attempt to help out more with any talk of being moved, but I sense the bigger issue is that you just want her out.
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Reply to PeggySue2020

Hello, before I comment on your situation I am going to assume this person you are talking about is your biological Mom. And she raised you, provided for you when you could not provide for yourself? You say she rarely leaves her room so she is not around brothering anyone? You and your husband make good money? What's the problem? I wish I had my Mom with me but she died at age 60 in my arms. If your Mom doesn't have any income she should be able to get assistance from the state. Check out the Adult Day Care for her during the day to keep her involved with others and make some friends. I understand they would pick her up and bring her back home and the state will pay for the Adult Day Care. I am a caregiver for my 75 year old husband and 70 year old sister which both have demential. Please do not discard you Mom just love her and take care of her as long as you can have her with you. I am not judging you by no means because I do not have the right to judge anyone. I will pray for you and your Mom to come to a favorable solution for your situation.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to DivaDiane
Roxytattoo2021 Aug 30, 2022
i can never imagine a daughter can resent a mom who is in need, the only thing that came to my mind is the mother wasn’t nice or helpful when she was a kid or growing up without a loving mom, but I have learned since I was in my 3O+, started saving for my retirement, when one is old and grey, it’s absolutely a must to have money , otherwise even your own blood resents you , Sign…..
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