I know that sounds mean, but my family and I cannot take it much more. 4 years ago we agreed to allow her and my father with alzheimers move in with us because she could no longer do it on her own. We agreed based upon that caregivers would be here to help us with my father every day. Alzheimers made my father mean and he would bite and punch or kick them and we lost all the caregivers that we tried. I kept getting called home from work to deal with one situation or another, or another caregiver that didn't show up or abruptly quit. I had to eventually give up my job and do the best I could. It wasn't easy. Eventually we did get hospice but short staffing left us with only 2 days per week for an hour! After lifting and struggling to take care of my dad for 18 months we finally got him into a NH. My mother fought putting him in there but it had to be. Unfortunately he didn't last long in the NH and passed only 3 weeks after getting there. My mom required a surgery after my dad's passing and wanted to stay so that I could help her get well. I did. After getting her well she refuses to go home. She rented out their home. My brother tries to take her out on Saturday but she refuses to go with him. She will only go with him if he can provide something that she wants like a permanent at her favorite hair salon 1.5 hours from our home. The 3 months in between perms she won't give us any privacy. She has dementia and gets vindictive. If we do manage to get away without her she will hide our keys, or lock us out of our home. Every Friday night she hops in with us to go out to dinner, but every Saturday, when my brother is on his way she fakes feeling ill. As soon as she gets him to leave she suddenly feels fine! She won't even consider going back to her home. She absolutely refuses assisted living. She gets up and says "I hate my life, you never take me anywhere!" She is possessive and narcissistic. I went back to work and she begs me to call in sick and not go. If I didn't have that break from her I think I would go crazy! She picks fights with my husband and son. They want her out of here but how? I hate to call the law to evict her, she is my mother! I love her but she has well worn out her welcome. She won't help do anything. She pays no rent. She won't cook. She does keep herself clean by herself. She doesn't drive. She takes over our TV and turns it ridiculous loud. What do we do? We were so happy before all this. We just don't know how to get our life back. It's been 4 years!
Tell mother that it is not working for your family to have her living with you.
Tell her that within the next few months you will help her to find housing nearby where you can be supportive, will help her get her assets together so that she can afford this. That you can explore together ALFs and also Independent living housing and small efficiency apartments. That there is no option in this; it is your family decision together by and for your family.
Unfortunately you have not heretofore been an advocare for yourself and your family.
THAT is making this complicated. You SHOULD have had a care contract, should have had funds paid for shared living costs and should have had privacy rules. That would have made this better as far as living, and easier now, perhaps even unnecessary.l
If your mother says "no" then you are unfortunately down to EVICTION. You have made your home her home and a rental to her even tho she never paid a dime. You will have to consult an eviction attorney. If she forces THAT then she is on her own after eviction and should be informed so.
There is NO ARGUMENT in this. No "I will be better" and etc. This is simple honesty, a decision. You will have to have the courage to do this or otherwise simply sign your own life and that of your husband and child over to her and stop complaining about it.
Sorry to be so blunt, but this is a DECISION. And you will have to own it or live as you are. Simply a choice. Not an easy one, but a decision.
The fact that you haven’t mentioned whether you have POA or not is why you are getting told different options to try.
If you have POA, bring her to the doctor for a “ Medicare required physical “. This is what you tell Mom.
Secretly you will notify the doctor ahead of time that you need POA invoked , meaning the doctor states that Mom is not competent to decide where she is safe to live . You tell the doctor that you work and that your mother is not safe by herself , she needs 24/7 supervision in assisted living . Hopefully the doctor will agree , write a letter and you get POA invoked. ( Mums the word to mom ) .
Then you pick out an assisted living. Then the day your mother is to go to assisted living , your brother takes her to get her hair done while you quickly set up her room with items she needs . Perhaps you will be able to do some of that ahead of time and then you are only bringing last minute items , clothing etc that you couldn’t take from the house until your brother had her out .
Then meet your brother after Mom has her hair done ( at the assisted living) for “ lunch “. And she stays there .
If Mom is more with it than I assumed above , and/or you don’t have POA use one of the other suggestions below .
Jump at any opportunity you can! Any reason at all! Whatever it takes. She’s threatening your son. She’s a danger to herself. (especially locking you out) She’s interfering with your ability to earn a living. Stretch whatever you can to get the ball rolling.
Sure, she’ll be angry but she’s making you miserable. You and your family are allowed to be happy. Good luck!
Time to get Mom evicted. You need to call her Doctor about calming meds. She's been there 4 years and obviously won't leave. She thinks she owns your house, and you aren't reminding her WHO DOES. You have let her run wild like a spoiled child, she is selfish and mean to people who have helped her out. It was supposed to be temporary! Now with dementia she can't live alone either.
Mom needs to go into a Memory Care facility, and sell her home to pay for it....or use the rent money she gets. She probably gets Dad's Social Security too! WHY is she not paying rent to live with you? Share the utilities? Buy her own food? She doesn't cook either? Do you see how bad she is using you and taking advantage of you??
She thinks she is Queen...and you HAVE ALLOWED IT WAY TOO LONG! If you have POA (which I doubt) you can see a Family Lawyer to help you get her out. Otherwise, you must evict her the old fashioned way.
She must be stashing her rent income and has a fat bank account after 3-4 years! She won't qualify for Medicaid with the extra income! See a Family Lawyer for advice how to file an eviction notice, so she has 30 days to find a place. Memory Care won't take a mean old lady that is combative! I'm sure she will call you constantly for rides, or to come help her with some "emergency." Don't get suckered again!
She is living off you FREE and her dementia brain thinks she runs the place, WHEN IT IS NOT HER HOME. Time to get some guts, and you and husband set her down and tell her 4 years is enough, she has to LEAVE YOUR HOME. You have helped 4 years and the FREE RIDE IS OVER. She will be mad, have a fit - but too bad.
She owns a home she is renting out and making money! Yet lives (and mooches) off you 4 years? Because she is "your Mother?" Would you let anyone else do this to you? She is ruining your happy home, so STOP ALLOWING IT.
Keep telling her she is in YOUR HOUSE, YOUR RULES. Why should she leave such a great arrangement? Of course Mom will have to be forced to leave. See a Family Lawyer to get started, and don't back down! Start looking for MC facilities,since she cannot live alone with dementia. She may LOVE it, since she will get waited on 24/7. She won't like having to PAY for it. Too bad!
She has totally worn out her welcome and is a Senior BRAT. See a lawyer first, then prepare for WW III! Don't back down, or you will get sick from stress and your own family comes first! GOOD LUCK!
You have given up enough of your life now and yes you deserve to have your life back. You have more than paid your dues already.
So, if your mother isn't open to moving into an assisted living facility and you are not her POA, then you may have to call 911 and tell the EMT's that you think your mother may have a UTI(yes it will be a lie), and that you want her taken to the hospital.
Once there you tell the hospital social worker that you can no longer care for your mother at your home and that she is an "unsafe discharge." They will then have to find the right facility to place her in, but not before promising all kinds of things(aka lies)that they can do to help if you agree to take her back home, so you will have to stand your ground and say NO.
Hopefully your mother will opt for plan A selling her home and moving into an assisted living facility, before you have to resort to plan B, calling 911.
Either way, best wishes in getting her placed and taking your life back.
Her dementia is obviously a big player here. She probably really can't do better. My mom lived with me, with dementia and her POA for me was activated. So, I signed the papers to put her into an assisted living almost 2 years ago. What a relief that was. Caring for someone with dementia is HARD. My mom cried for days and still asks to come back but that's a hard no.
Best of luck.