I’ve been trying to help out my ex for over 5 years. I had hoped to help him get back on his feet, but that’s not what has happened. He needs more and more. I live in a rural area without “services”. Yesterday, I went to the rural health clinic and found out my BP is in stroke territory. They gave me something to bring it down right away. I’m temporarily ok but I need to figure out how to say no effectively to someone who needs more than I have to give.
If your problem is that you are bored stiff in your isolated community, think of a different way to solve your own issues, not his.
I hope you don't live with him because it will be easier to start stepping back. Do you hold POA? If not, does anyone? Does he have family other than children you had together. If so, maybe someone can step up and get him the care he needs.
Your profile says he suffers from a Dementia. This is only going to get worse. There must be an Office if Aging or Adult Priotection Service in your County. Call them and tell them what is going on and that you can no longer help him. Even if you have POA the State can take over his care. And that's what I would do if there is no other family. Like said, he is an ex for a reason. They will see he is placed in a NH where he can get the care he needs.
addendum…no one has POA. He refuses to do the paperwork for that or to specify his wishes if someone finds him hurt or unable to communicate. The PT spent most of her time talking to him about the consequences of that decision.
You aren't responsible for his happiness. Let him have the sunset years he planned for (meaning, no chaos cuz that's what happens when you don't plan).
He's an EX for a reason, right?
"...I need to figure out how to say no effectively to someone who needs more than I have to give." - There's nothing to figure out. When he calls either let it roll into voicemail (then delete without listening), block his number, or have a "speech" ready with the names of his local area resources that HE can call himself: 911, social services, his local areas Agency on Aging, etc. Tell him you don't want to be involved -- don't say you "can't" because then he'll attempt to work how how you can enable him with solutions that will lead to a stroke. You need to stiffen your spine or you'll allow yourself to get sicker. Then who will care for YOU? Not him, right?
Five years is an amazing gift of care!
You had high hopes - it's a shame it didn't work just as you'd hoped.. but you can feel proud of the help you gave.
I feel if Ex was going to change he would have by now. He has shown he won't/can't paddle his own canoe on his own. (Some people just cant due to age/disability/mental illness/addictions/personality etc). So rather than keep paddling his canoe for him endlessly, steer his canoe to a shore. Tie it somewhere safe. Alert others. So he gets the help he needs. Then paddle on your way.
Let natural consequences happen eg: If ex lives in an area without all the services he needs - he need to move.
Make your "no" mean NO.
The life, health and sanity you save should be your own.
Do you think he would help you in any way if you had a stroke from the stress of helping HIM?
So say no for you, not him, and stop the caregiving.