My dad is 55. He is in horrible health. His house burnt down in 2018 due to electric problems. His brother who was staying with him died in the house. He became really depressed and started doing meth. He was in and out of jail and he was just a wreck. He finally went to rehab and got sober in 2021. At the end of 2021, my fiancé and I bought a house. My dad was doing a lot better and trying to get away from the town and people that were associated with his addiction. However, because of his heavy drug use and lifestyle, his health rapidly declined during those 3 years. When he moved in with my fiancé and I, he could hardly walk. When he would talk, it sounded like he had cotton balls in his mouth. His writing was awful and shaky. He got angry so fast. He wasn’t like himself. He tried applying to jobs but nobody wanted to hire him. We found out through doctors visits that he had multiple mini strokes and high blood pressure etc. He has medicine he should be taking and for the most part he does okay with it. His health has still declined. He has incontinence, still can’t walk well. He slurs his words and you can barely understand him. He doesn’t clean up after himself AT ALL. When I come home from work, there are cigarette ashes everywhere. He spills soda on the ground and everything is sticky. He usually stinks like urine or feces and I’m constantly making him shower and wash his clothes. He is sooo bored all the time. He can’t really work. He is still working on trying to get his license back after court stuff. We tried to get him on disability but it was denied. Financially, it has been very rough having him here. He leaves water on at times because he “forgets”. He leaves all the lights on. He has a very specific diet he likes to have. He has absolutely no income. He gets angrily so easy. He is very stubborn and doesn’t like to be told what to do. I know this is hard for him as well but I feel so defeated. At times, I get so angry I just want to tell him to leave and that I want to reclaim my home. But, I know that he doesn’t have anywhere else to go. He is my dad and I do love him but it is just extremely overwhelming. Every time I try to address these things with him, he says he will just kill himself. He says he would rather be dead than live with me anyway etc. He refused to wear adult diapers and just pretends he doesn’t have anything wrong with him. I am struggling. Financially, mentally, and even physically. I am struggling with it. On my days off, I have to deep clean the whole house and then it just gets destroyed again while I’m at work. He has tried to do laundry but he either puts the detergent in the wrong spot, uses dish soap, etc. He has even used AXE body spray on ONE of his shoes. He does crazy, off the wall stuff all the time. He caught the microwave on fire because he microwaved a pack of his cigarettes when they got wet. I am scared to even leave him in my house when I’m not there but financially I can’t stay home with him. He is just constantly making messes and destroying things. Any and all advice or suggestions are appreciated. I feel like I’m drowning.
To him, you, fiance & your property.
- Supervision required. Your Dad has shown he cannot be left safely alone in the house. By numerous signs, fire, water, using housing chemicals inappropriately.
- Suicide risk. Dad has threatened suicide.
It sounds very much like Dad will require a full medical checkup, a needs assessment, legal advice & a new supervised & supported living environment. ASAP
However, this will all take time & money.
How long have you got? How long will you take the risk of him being in your home with this high chance of something dire happening?
Do you have a Lifeline Crises line?
I would calk & discuss options for getting immediate help & a safer enviroment for Dad. Even if this is a Baker Acted mental health bed until further help is found.
(We get a lot of posts here from the fiances who want advice on what to do in similar situations.)
Sounds to me, because of his strokes, your Dad now has Dementia. If he has no assets, he will not be able to be placed into an Assisted Living. Medicaid rarely pays for AL. Medicaid mainly covers Long-term care which your father probably needs. I doubt an AL would put up with his habits. For SSD, Dad is going to need a full work up to determine his health problem. In the meantime, see if the lawyer can get him SSI based on what his doctors already know. SSI is a supplemental income that comes with Medicaid health insurance.
Once you can get your ducks in a row, things will fall into place. If Dad does not go along with this, you may need to call APS and them u suspect Dementia. That you must work but don't feel Dad should be left alone. You need to get him out of your house and somewhere where he can get care. If you have no POA, you may want the State to take over his care. They can get things done a lot faster than u can.
I’m so sorry that your dad has struggled. Is he remaining sober or do you ever suspect that he is using again?
Of course, you love him as your dad but I don’t blame you one bit for hating his behavior.
It’s dangerous for him to be in your home alone when you are at work. He could set your house on fire!
I wish you hadn’t taken him in. I do feel that you need to ask him to leave.
Do not be discouraged that he was turned down for disability. Hardly anyone gets approved the very first time that they apply. Please apply again.
Also, check to see if there are any kind of programs that can help. Has he served in the military?
How old is your father? Have you contacted Council on Aging in your area?
They will do a needs assessment on your dad and if your father qualifies you can receive a certain amount of hours of help. They can cook light meals, do light housekeeping and help with bathing, etc.
You could ask Council on Aging for recommendations for him. Tell them that you are unable to care for him because he can’t be left alone.
Best wishes to you, your fiancé and your dad.
From the experiences we read about on this forum, it seems very hard to get these sort of people out of one’s home once they’re in. One thought is trying to apply for disability again, I hear that it is denied pretty often. Another thought is the next time he goes off making suicide threats or saying crazy stuff again, call 911 and insist he can be taken to the hospital to be evaluated — and then dig your feet in and refuse to take him back. “Unsafe discharge” is the phrase you’ll need to use.
you mentioned being afraid to leave him at home, presumably because of the fire, he sat in the microwave his past history of burning his house down and other bizarre and destructive behavior. I hope you have fire extinguishers and working smoke alarms in the house.
You’ve got to get this guy out!
Something has to give and that something is that your dad needs to move elsewhere.
If he is in such poor health he needs to be in an assisted living facility. With having no money he can apply for Medicaid to cover the costs. And you don't need to nor should you be spending one penny on him. You and your fiancé need to be saving and spending your monies on yourselves and for your future.
Your dad has made his bed and now he gets to lie in it. With all of the bad choices he's made and now all the health issues he has, it's just too much for you.
Your dad IS NOT your responsibility. Period, end of sentence!
And next time he threatens to kill himself(which you know he's just doing to keep you in his tangled web)just ask him if he wants his body buried and where, or cremated and where he wants his ashes put. That should shut him up and call his bluff.
And if it doesn't and he does kill himself, that is on him not you. You have gone above and beyond and now it's time to get your life back before it's you that will be needing a funeral.