How can I keep my mother clean if she soils herself and refuses to do it herself? She has mid-stage dementia and won't allow anyone to help.

You are going to have to become more instant that you help her.
You can start by getting her to the bathroom every 2 hours at the very least.
The aides should also be helping her and they also need to be instant about it.
Many people that have responded to question like this have mentioned Bidet toilet seats and for many they seem to help quite a bit. You can get them with heated water.
Taking her to the bathroom will become the "new normal" for her. As she declines there will be other "new normals" like helping her in the shower or bath, brushing her teeth and washing her hands.
If she is still using regular underwear get rid of that and replace all underwear with disposable ones.

Sorry to read in your profile that you have TWO parents with dementia. Yikes!

I'm surprised that her weekday aides are unable to help her get clean. They usually have tricks for getting the clients to cooperate. Ask them to be assertive with her - nicely tell her that they need to help her because she will end up in a nursing home when her skin starts breaking down from being unclean. They can start slow and build up to more and more help. She doesn't have to like but she really needs to learn to tolerate it. Maybe you need a little help on the weekends too? Maybe not 10 hours but enough to be there to help her out in this difficult department.

If she refuses to allow help and can't/won't do it herself, let her know that she will be leaving you no choice but to have her put into an appropriate facility. I'm sure she won't like that either. I don't know if she'll be able to grasp that concept but I would say here are your choices - keep clean or go to memory care. There often aren't great choices as the aging process continues and dementia takes hold. But health and safety and YOUR sanity become major players.

Good luck.

Your parents now require 24/7 care either at home, if they can afford it, or in a Memory Care Assisted Living residence where they will be bathed and changed on a regular basis. Dementia often reaches a point where you can no longer manage the everyday care at home, and that's when placement becomes necessary. Their house can be sold to fund their care, as is done in most cases where 2 elders need full time care.

Most often, elders with dementia refuse to comply with loved ones requests but become quite compliant with hired caregivers or those who work in Memory Care.

Best of luck with a difficult situation.

This can become a problem - refusal of personal care. Fear, pride, not understanding the need, many other causes I'm sure too.

In a facility staff can arrive as a team. 3 aides vs 1 elder gets the job done quick. Not saying there is force, but maybe a certain level of assertiveness to herd into the bathroom, 1 to distract while 2 rip the pants off.

However, in a home setting it is harder. Especially for 1 family caregiver.

Try keeping the conversation to how good *after* will be eg you will feel lovely and clean!

Try encouragements (bribes) too. Once you are clean we will do ... (insert something they like) eg have icecream, watch tv.

Meds to add some calmness are useful too in many cases.

Some people with dementia do not know they are having bowel or bladder problems. They just can no longer relate to what is happening around them. I suggest you turn on the shower and get the bathroom warmed up. Then go to your mom and say, “Come with me mom. I’m going to help you with your shower and everything is ready.” If she refuses you might say, “Mom, you really smell like BM. I wouldn’t want the family or your friends to visit and see you like this.” Just keep trying over and over again. If you can get her to agree to showering tomorrow, when she refuses again you can say, “But you promised to do it today.” Sometimes it works. Best of luck.

I'm so sorry you're going through this with your loved one. I've run into this situation with my Mom also. I've used several of the tips already offered such as telling her after we get her cleaned up, she's going to feel so much better or we'll have ice cream, one of her favorites, after getting cleaned up. I have also found that waiting 5 or 10 minutes and trying again works for her. Sometimes I believe she's upset that she soiled herself and needs a little more time to adjust to me helping her.

Is she capable of cleaning herself once in the bathroom and just won’t get up to do it or is she going into the bathroom and not cleaning up? Is she in incontinence underwear? Is she having urination accidents or bowl movement accidents? We have had all of these issues with my mom, still are and different tactics have helped with the different problems.

Maywood: I had to sneak into my mother's bedroom once she had fallen asleep to launder her pants that she had draped over the side of a chair. They were malodorous and she refused to listen to my promoting. That was a difficult conversation, to say the least. Prayers sent for this most difficult of times. Perhaps you can try the tactic, e.g. 'Mother, won't it be nice to apply lotion to your hands once you are bathed?' Sure, easier said than done, but worth a try.

Try to have a toileting routine, where you take her to the toilet a few times a day, and give her opportunities to use the toilet rather than soiling herself. You'll have to help her clean herself afterwards. Hopefully she'll let you do it with wipes or damp washcloths. Make sure the water is a comfortable temperature when you wash her with damp cloths. Good luck!

Seems my wife always waits to go until after I change her. It’s just life.