How can we manage caring for my very negative father while living our lives, too?

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How can we manage caring for my very negative father while living our lives, too?

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He's in AL, no official diagnosis, but we strongly suspect early dementia.

I thought moving him near us would make him happy — he was so miserable on his own in another state. We have him over for dinner every week, plus other outings (holidays, birthdays, weekend stuff). I do his shopping, his finances, doctors appointments, etc. But he's turned into this miserable grump. The minute he gets into my car it's either a list of complaints or demands. He's slightly more interested in my husband and daughter, but even then, if there's a negative thing to say or notice, he says it. It affects my daughter (she's a teenager) a lot, to the point I encourage her to leave the room.

We try to have a nice meal, and manage his mood, but it's a huge drain on the family every week. My husband and I work long hours, my daughter is taking hard classes, we are busy people with busy lives and that's on top of my other caregiving responsibilities for him (his doctors, his bills, etc).

But he's always complaining about the fact that we aren't more excited that he's over, that I'm not more cheerful at having him, and my personal favorite: "Why do you act like everything I say is a complaint?"

(Um, because it is, Dad)

We make a nice meal, have wine, have dessert, have conversation and chit chat and all those things. But he seems to think we should all be acting like this is the most awesome highlight of our week, listening to him complain about how this lady at the AL eats weird (one of his ongoing topics). I keep trying to manage his expectations (we are all really busy, but we're happy to spend time with you) but it's not working.

I want these dinners to be better, but the problem is — him. What do I do?

Mild Dementia Relationships Working Caregiver

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For the entirety of my life, my mother chronically complained and spoke badly about others, including the rest of the family members, who were too fat, too skinny, too loud, too quiet, too snooty, too rich, blah blah BLAH. She was an energy vampire, is the best way to describe it. She'd swoop into a room and immediately drain it of all the joy......for those in the INNER CIRCLE. For the others, she was all sweetness and light. As her only child, I was her "inner circle" until my DD came along, my son was spared her venom and criticism.

So, every single time I'd ask her to PLEASE stop complaining, she'd say, "I'm not complaining.......I'm TALKING." She'd get highly insulted that I'd even SUGGEST she was complaining, and so it went. I'd tell her she was THE MOST NEGATIVE HUMAN I'd ever met, is that better words to describe what you're talking ABOUT mom? Oh I'm just TALKING for godsake, was her reply. In other words, she felt entitled to use us as to vent and it was her right, and it was our obligation to suck it up and listen, make the appropriate comments of AGREEMENT with all the foul remarks, and that was that, period.

What happened, in reality, is we backed away from mom bc all that negativity winds up getting absorbed by US and it's too much to handle. I visited mom at her AL once a week and cut the visits short when the toxicity level got too high, and took her home from my house earlier and earlier too. After she became wheelchair bound the visits to my house had to stop entirely. When the phone calls got ugly, they too were ended quickly. And I always told her why. It's not okay to "just talk" when the other person is TELLING you it's upsetting them. That's the road to ruined relationships...when the other person is too pigheaded to see the light.

Good luck with a difficult situation

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You are describing my MIL to a T. We had to cut her off for our own sanity and health. The stress was literally killing my husband. High blood pressure through the roof. Now we only visit her at the AL on special holidays and do not allow phone calls. (Took away her phone.).

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The next time you have dinner, plan it at the al.

With some seniors, it’s like they’re in grade school. They will want to showtime in front of their peers who are already incented to come over and say hi. Having a family visit in a group environment is often the most prestigious thing ever.

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Brilliant!!

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I believe you and your family are very patient, loving and caring. Has your father always been negative (if so, he is manipulating you and affecting your positive lifestyle and wants to be the center of your world over your husband and daughter), OR is this a recent change in personality/character? If so, then perhaps a type of dementia is presenting itself. In my case, Mom is narcissitic and manipulative, so I have had to set definitive boundaries, e.g, 5-10 minutes to complain and then leave it behind for another visit or telcon. If she continues, then I tell her it's time to end the visit, or telcon and we will reconnect when she is in a better mood. Mind you, this is very difficult to enforce...true tough love, but highly affective! God bless and hugs!

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When my mum moved in with me 5 years ago she was the most depressing, negative person ever. It affected me badly and I had to have counselling. When it all became too much I told her straight that her behaviour had to change or I couldn't live with her. It took a while but when she realised that she wasn't going to get the attention she craved as a victim, she changed her ways. She complained about aches and pains sometimes but I tell her she's lucky to still be here aged 96 to complain. You just have to say it as it is or turn all his negatives around into something positive, then he might realise how he's affecting others!!

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If you want to keep doing this I think you’ll have to realize (if he’s got dementia) that this is part of it. My dad continued to live on his own well past the time he should have due to pure stubbornness. Finally a crisis ended up in a 3 week hospital stay and he was properly diagnosed there. During those years we noticed a lot of changes in his ability to control his temper and he also became very grumpy. When he finally came to live with me I realized I was not going to be able to really “make him happy”. I was satisfied that he was kept clean and warm, fed and his healthcare needs were being attended to. It’s partly the disease and I would guess the lack of independence that makes them seem grumpy. I don’t know if they can really control that.

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There are no easy answers here. I have been with my mate almost thirty years. He has always been a complainer. To the point where I considered leaving him many times.

After so many years I've found disengaging with him helps. When I say disengaging I mean just ignoring him. Grey rocking is a term I've read on this forum a few times. Look it up.

I'm sure you'll get a lot of good responses on here. Just keep on reading. Good Luck!

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Dad very well could be in the early stages of dementia. It could be MCI (mild cognitive impairment). But MCI is “mild”. It doesn’t necessarily alter behavior, but it could.

I appreciate your kindness in trying to help and love your dad. But he needs to stop and you need to tell him so. Say, “Dad, we love you. We love having you over and will continue to do so under one condition. STOP COMPLAINING!”

Draw the line in the sand and follow through. You have to protect the peace of your home. Just because he’s related to you dies not give him license to abuse your ears.

set time lines. Try a week or two of following through. If it doesn’t work, start extending the enforcement.

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Instead of trying to shut your dad's complaints down, which will frustrate you both, try commenting on how that condition or episode must make him feel. The weird-eating lady? You might acknowledge that watching her must make him and others uncomfortsble. Similarly with other situations he may describe, address how that situation might be making him feel. When he wishes you were more excited to see him, realize that your focus on how busy you are leaves him feeling rejected.
If he feels more "heard" about particular issues, he will have less need to repeat them.

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Oh my gosh. I completely understand what a horrible drain a negative, grumpy old man can be. My mom died recently, and we are all devastated. My dad, as he has done his whole life, can only see how it affects him. He can snap and be nasty and it is because he is grieving, but no one else is allowed to have any feelings. I know the automatic response to this will be to write that he lost his wife, he is old, he is lonely, but this has been his way for our whole lives. We are all extremely supportive of him; he has not been alone for a minute since my mom's illness and death. His house is taken care of by us, he is fed by us, he is pretty much clothed by us, we listen to his endless complaining... There comes a time when you just cannot take it. Several of my siblings have commented that they have not had a chance to grieve at all because all of our emotional band with is taken up with him. Infantilizing old people and allowing them to behave however they want with no consequences is insulting to them and damaging to everyone else. Unless dementia or Alzheimer's or mental illness is involved, they need to be respectful people as well. I have taken care of both of my parents for years and years, so this is not about that. My grandmother, who was a sweetheart, used to say that she had earned the right to say whatever she want to say; not so. Not so.

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love your answer :).

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Sounds similar to my mom. My sons (teens at the time) complained that she behaved in ways that they would never get away with. What I ended up doing was spending time with her at her IL/then AL or taking her somewhere (store, restaurant, drive). I went to a counselor to help me with boundaries. My husband is very supportive, and my sons are much less affected.

How can we manage caring for my very negative father while living our lives, too?

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