The summer has been crazy to say the least, and it’s already August. We (both cousin and I) are feeling guilty for not being able to visit more often. We both work FT and have kids. There are only so many hours in the day, which is no excuse, but we haven’t been there for the past 4 weeks. The last visit she only visited with us for about 15 minutes and wanted to head back to her room. We call to check and get good reports, although if we call her room directly she either doesn’t answer or hangs up.
We are heading on vacation this coming week so it will probably be another 2 weeks until we make it there. I know there’s nothing set in stone on how often to visit, but I would like to be more consistent, it just doesn’t seem to be working.
I have gone 18 months without seeing or talking to her (during my cancer tx) and she never reached out to me. When I DID have hair again, and didn't look so horrible, I went to see her. She acted like I had seen her the day before. I'm just not on her radar, unless she cannot get something done she wants done. Then she'll get a message to me that she 'needs me'.
I don't feel one IOTA of 'guilt'. It's a 2 way street. Mom does not have dementia, her memory is scrambled, but she passes the tests they give her, so for all intents and purposes, she's just more self involved than 'demented'. My cancer didn't resonate with her and so she didn't think about it.
ANY 'guilt' I had about not doing more for her was 100% eradicated at that time.
None of my relatives judge me. Esp my sibs. I've had people who know her say to me that I need to spend more time with my 'precious mother' while I still have her. (She's 92). I just thank them for their concern, and ignore them.
How does someone ask strangers to justify their feelings? Is that really going to make you feel better?
I can only go by my own experience and feelings. I would never have gone six weeks without communicating with my mother. I didn't see her in person for a full year during Covid, but I called her and talked to her. I had the aides bring a phone to her. I dropped her a note in the mail and had them read them to her because she was mostly blind.
I made the effort and found the time.
How should you not feel guilty? I would suggest not doing things to feel guilty about.
She no longer knows who I am, which is actually a relief. I’m just some nice lady who brings her mail and reads it to her. She tells me about her child and I tell her about mine.
I am trying to be there for her, my kids, my husband, my friends and neighbours. I can’t be everything to everybody all the time. Neither can you.
And don't get me wrong, after many years of abuse from my parents they too were not a priority in my life, and I had made peace with that after I forgave them, and have no regrets now that they're both gone.
You just don't want to have any regrets after she's gone, so make sure that you truly are at peace with the random visits,(and if you're not, then do something to change it)because once she's gone there's no going back to change things.
Have fun on your vacation!
I went up almost every weekend throughout summer and it was incredibly difficult. I missed out on enjoying my summer, having the kids home and doing things as a family. I decided to take the final two weekends off.
I agree that consistency is key. I have decided that going forward I will visit every other weekend. When I do visit, my mother doesn't talk much to me as she can't hear very well.
My mother has been in a NH for 2 and 1/2 years and I anticipate will be there for much longer. I know I had to find a balance or I wouldn't be able to spend time with my kids, have a career I love and travel with my husband.
My advice, visit as often as you feel comfortable. Don't feel guilt for not being able to do more. We all have limits on our time and need to balance as best we can.
Some members here would probably be "happy" if their loved one acted like your mom in the NH.
NH has your number if something comes up, so that lessens the worry on you.
Maybe do a short visit once a month?