Lives alone, has a small dog and cat, doesn’t eat much, lost husband 16 years ago and her only son just over a year ago. Has two granddaughters and a great grandson. I am her ex daughter in law and have recently been helping her after a fall that resulted in a broken ankle and a six week stay in rehab. She lives four and half hours from me. I have visited twice and will go again soon. She is otherwise healthy, no medications, some memory issues, poor nutritional habits, drinks boost to help.
If my Mom had not gotten Dementia, I will tell you what she would have been doing most of the day, reading. My job would have been keeping her in reading material and making sure she got to Church. We would have had our weekly shopping day. Fridays we would be going out to dinner somewhere. If her widowed friends were still driving, she would be going out with them. But these were friends she had known for years.
Does MIL complain? If not, leave her alone. She maybe perfectly happy with her life. Just be there for her. Call to just check in. Visit and take her out.
You are putting in all sorts of "fixes" to keep her in her home so that she has the appearance of living independently or "aging in place" but you may not know just how much help she really needs.
First and foremost, if she hasn't assigned a PoA, and refuses to do so, then she is on track to become a ward of a court-assigned legal guardian (and from my personal experience, this is a good thing). This is because in order for someone to legally manage her affairs and make decisions for her when she no longer can, it has to be done by a legal representative. Relatives or ex-relatives don't auntomatically qualify.
"Some memory issues" is just the tip of the iceberg if you haven't taken her to get a cognitive/memory test at her primary doc. You will be adding all sorts of new things into her life that she doesn't want and won't be able to adapt to. I'm hoping it's not coming out of your pocket.
Truly the best thing you can do for her is to report her to APS to get her on their radar as a vulnerable senior. Please heed the advice of those of us on this forum who have tried what you are now attempting, all for naught.
If she is resisting visits even familiar local people, not eating much, then she may be having bigger problems than technology and long-distance caregiving can fix (and saying this as a total fan of technology solutions, myself).
Most of all if you are not her PoA, and no one is, you will eventually come to a point of frustration and exhaustion since her needs will only increase and she is becoming more stubborn and uncooperative (early signs of dementia). You are 4.5 hours away. It's not a long-term solution for her.
One of the things that comes up in dementia is a loss of initiative.
A sign can be lack of adequate nutrition. One needs initiative to get up and fix a meal.
Ability to carry out a process also comes up. Even if one has initiative, procedural memory becomes impaired. There are lots of steps to making a meal, or even just a sandwich.
All of these were some of the signs that my mother had in early dementia.
Good luck to you.
I wonder if your friend is afraid she is going to fall again.
Maybe her friends from church could be a little more "proactive" in getting her out. Don't just call but go to the door, help her out to the car, give her support so that she is less afraid to fall.
I get it...I fell in January and I was quite nervous about walking on the snow and ice the rest of the winter and even now when it is wet I am maybe a little more cautious than I was in the past when I walk across the floor, or walk on a floor that looks like it is slippery.
They may have Adult Day Programs that she could get involved in. They often also have people do "Buddy Calls" where Volunteers will call other seniors and chat for a while just to check in, make sure they are alright and just a bit of conversation.
Have you talked to the Granddaughters about grandma and what they are doing to help?
Who is her POA if she has one? Or who would be responsible if something happened and decisions had to be made? This is the person that you need to talk to if there is a concern for her well being.
As far as not "not eating much" if she does not expend a lot of calories then she does not need to take in many calories.
If she is not losing weight and not losing strength I would not be overly concerned how much she is eating. I would be concerned if there was no food or not enough food in the house.
Not sure she would accept having buddy calls, I call her almost daily. She can be stubborn.
Kind of looking for guidance on how to initiate a conversation to get her to open up a little more. I can tell she wants to, I just don’t want to push too much and have her shut down.
She is losing strength due to not eating. She has plenty of food and keeps her bills current. I have sent her a walker and cane to use when needed. My next visit will be the weekend of July 12th, my daughter will be visiting with me.
Thank you again for your response.
I think she is, but it would have to be a slow process. I am not sure if she would consider medication for depression, and I haven’t suggested that yet. I am working on getting her an updated physical, and attending with her, if I can get her to do that. She changes from day to day in what she says. Today was, “ I think I feel better today,” but then won’t do the things she said she was going to do. She sits and watches TV all day.