I have recently sold my home and I am moving back to my home state. My elderly parents are 87 and 90 and live at home with a caregiver that comes for 3 hours, three times a week. I arranged the caregiver during a health crisis earlier this year. She does light housekeeping and meal prep and laundry and can run errands if needed. She has been fantastic and has reduced my worry and stress. I have arranged lawn care so that is taken care of. My parents have funds to pay for these things and they are paying for them. My mother still drives and picks up food and groceries. Both of them are independent with their self care and manage their own finances. I am an only child. However, I know this can't last forever and I find myself worrying more about what is to come. I have asked and pushed a conversation but neither gives any real answers. I think they think I will just handle it, when the time comes, like always. My parents have a difficult marriage and mother has complained since my childhood of how miserable she is. I was parentified and my emotional needs were not met or attuned to. My mother has no friends and has cut off from most relatives save a couple who she manipulates. She cajoles some neighbors but I would not call them friends. She was not interested in mothering and had a full time job 25 miles from home since I was 1 year old. I had a series of babysitters, family, neighbors, tenders, and paid caregivers. People who meet her say she is Great and so charming but that is the public face. My mother has been emotionally abusive to me and physically when I was a child. She interfered with my love relationships and gave silent treatments that could last for months and was very critical. She raged when I was a child and it was scary. My father is just emotionally shut down and probably has always been. He enables her and has made hurtful comments and has very limited empathy. They both had difficult childhoods. I have done therapy and self healing work and have learned a lot about covert narcissism and borderline behavior and the enabling relationships like my parents. I understand they will not change. My Grief work is ongoing. I call or text them once a week and have reduced my visits to 3-4 times per year unless an emergency. I no longer want the stress of waiting for the next phone call or wondering what will happen when she can't drive anymore or when I will get the next call from the ER and have to rush to the airport and get on a plane and put my life on hold. I want to be close enough so I am within driving distance from them but I certainly dont want to live with them. For my own convenience, it would be nice to be in their same town but it is smaller and about 25 miles from a large city. I would prefer a larger city but that is 3 hours from them and I dont want to go through all the hassle of moving only to find I am still caught up every Sunday, talking on the phone, and wishing I could just stop by for an hour, say Hello and then leave. I am considering buying a place in their town because it would be the most convenient for me (and them) and give me the most control over decisions that will come down the road but its not really where I want to live. I am 55 years. Has anyone faced a similar decision and what did you discover? Better to live really close for your own convenience with them even if its not really where you want to be and make the best of it? Or live where you would like, a 3 hour drive away, try to enjoy it and worry about the future when it happens? Did living close undo all the self healing work and create new trauma? I have been looking at homes and rentals in 3 different cities for months but I can't seem to make a decision and I think this dilemma is at the root of my indecision.
They overspend, make bad decisions and me moving 3 hours to their town only separated me from my support system, my doctors, my friends and all the places I love. They do like to isolate you with them.
They have no one bc they drive everyone away by running them into the ground with serious boundary issues. Then blame caregivers for what they do.
The only thing I did coming here is add me to the equation. Instead of me pulling them out, they are pulling me under. And being that personality type they feel entitled to do it.
Good luck in that difficult decision
I really respect that you have made boundaries for yourself with how often you contact them, and with hiring support. You have already set a precedent for their care by acting as manager with check ins. This inspires me as it seems to be win-win. They get support and you maintain your life.
It's almost like coming to a turn-style on our path. We can consciously move through and carry on down the path that we are on, or we can stop and turn around.
Turning around means changing your own life course to care for theirs. Moving through means continuing to build on the life you have created for yourself and continuing to build on the support system you have created for your folks.
This is where I am too. I feel guilt and fear of blame or shame for not meeting an ideal of familial dedication. These feelings can be paralyzing.
Perhaps these angels that we can hire to support our elders are also our angels. They are there to help those of us who have survived childhood abuse and neglect so we don't have to go back.
I wish you and all of us who are in this situation the strength and courage we need so we may do what is truly best for everyone.
As she aged, she refused to move to AL and as such, lived in her own townhome until a few months before she passed away at the age of 95. Because I was nearby, she wasn't agreeable to "outside" help no matter who I hired. I did, though, hire a geriatric care manager. They were a lifesaver for me (mother would call them instead of me, they would help deal with her problems and issues) but unfortunately, in the area I live, they were incredibly expensive for her/our budget. So, it went back on me.
There were times I wanted to move to another state- a warmer state because of my medical conditions. I weighed that decision carefully because I knew that mother would have ongoing problems and issues I would have to deal with, and living further away from her, whether in state or out of state, would put a big burden on me - time, travel, cost wise - in dealing with things. I chose to remain close by, even though it created a lot more trauma for me - in the long run - less hassles for me. Just imagine if I moved out of state, and every time she had a problem, I would have to fly back, stay at a hotel, rent a car, etc etc. Some would say - live your own life, she created her own life 'mess'...but being the only child, and one who does have a compassionate heart, I couldn't just walk away. Also, when you get that call at 11:30pm on Sunday night - whether from your parents, or the EMT's or whoever, how close do you want to be to go deal with things?
I never thought I would become my parents parent, but when you are the only child, unfortunately, that does land on one's shoulders. You have to make decisions for not only you, but for them as well. Decisions that, when you look back, will you be at peace with them?
I guess I was lucky in that she never fought me over their estate and just expected me to make the financial decisions. She was happy to move to another state because I moved there and she had no choice. She was happy to move to AL because I insisted. I have basically overseen her finances, life and happiness for 21 years. She is now near the end of her life and I have no regrets. I've made decisions that have kept her comfortable.
As you said, as only children we have no choice but to take care of our parents. Whether we feel it is fair or not, we have obligations. But we need to make decisions that ensure we still have a balance in our own lives.
It seems that you're getting a lot of great feedback from others on this site - which I'm going to read for my own situation as well. The only opinion I can really give is I would suggest living where you want to live - which is 3 hours away from them - it's still reasonably close enough, yet you're still able to be where you want to be. And in time, you may want to increase the in-home assistance for your parents and just keep assessing the situation as time goes on regarding what's needed.
Wishing you all the very best ~
Beethoven13, can I ask why?
"For you own convenience" to avoid the long flights/drives you already said. OK.
But will the convenience of Sunday visits in person, rather than a phone call be worth the inconvenience of moving your whole life to this smaller town?
"but I certainly dont want to live with them".
Sounds wise. Big potential to be sucked into the vortex of their daily life (like 100 %).
Will living in a separate home, in the same town protect you from the vortex?
"I can't seem to make a decision and I think this dilemma is at the root of my indecision".
You know.. I think this being a bit stuck is meant to be - for now - because you are not ready to choose.
The indecisiveness may not be a hindrance - maybe it is actually protecting you!
Coz right now you are not drowning - so no need to quickly grasp onto any passing boat. Just continue to float along. See what other thoughts & feelings arrise.
Living close will pull in any vulnerability that still remains (we can get excellent help from therapy, but our inner child remains within, and vulnerable throughout life) and may cause you great misery, and need for boundaries and therapy to maintain them.
Go. Make a life. Be frank with your parents that they must make plans. Do not agree to be POA for them; encourage them to hire a financial fiduciary for bill paying when needed.
Your choice will be your own. It is unlikely to delay your life more than a decade. But at that point you will be 65, the time when we tend not to make a lot of changes, when we tend to pull back from travel and risk and so on unless we have excellent support systems emotionally, a partner; or unless we are financially very well fixed.
I know you have access to therapist and encourage you to discuss with him or her, your best guide. That person knows you, your history. You can consider also consulting a Social Worker trained specifically in life transitions to work a path toward this with discussion with your parents. And how to discuss. Never descending into argument helps. Just saying what your plans are; and offering to make them as comfortable as you are able to with those plans.
I have two children. They neither live in my own state. Though I love them very much I will not be moving to their States. Nor they to mine. And this has been discussed for many years (I am 80.)
I wish you the best. Good luck with your decisions.
So if you live 3 to 4 hours away that would be far enough that they can not depend on you for day to day things but close enough that if need be you can authorize treatment and then get to them if the emergency requires it.
You can assess how they are doing, also be in contact with the caregiver. If at anytime you see or the caregiver feels that they need more help than 3 hours 3 times a week then the time and number of days could be increased.
If they are not going to discuss the future all you can do is wait. It might be that they will be fine. Or something will happen that will force them to make a decision. This is up to them.