How come my husband acts one way with me and different with others?

Chase up those respite hours. What's the story there, why the delay in provision?

You mention that he doesn't go to the bathroom very often - if it's okay, could you say a little more about what specifically is happening? Are you worried about constipation, general hygiene, continence care..? Is he able to mobilise independently when he wants to, and get there in time?

The other week, a spouse in your position was in tears when I arrived because she'd reminded her husband to clean his teeth and he'd bitten her head off for it. At least, that was her perspective on it. I don't doubt that *his* point of view was that she'd nagged him all morning about brushing his teeth and he'd do it when he was good and ready and she should stop going on about it. The key phrase, which you exactly echoed, is that he snapped at her: "stop telling me what to do!"

And with me? Yup. Charm itself. Mobilised independently to en suite bathroom, able to seat himself on perching stool, able to wash independently except for back, worker supported washing bottom in order to check skin integrity, able to manage oral hygiene, able to dress independently with worker handing clothes item by item. Able to mobilise downstairs, worker supporting for reassurance only.

Then overnight, a couple of days later, he stumbled out of bed to the same en suite bathroom, missed the toilet seat, slipped sideways off it, got crap everywhere including all over his nightwear, poor wife eventually managed to get him up, changed and back into bed -

She shouldn't have. She hurt herself and she risked injuring him. She should have put a pillow under his head, a blanket over him, removed as much soiled clothing and soiling as possible, and called for help. But let that pass...

- and ended up scrubbing poo off the carpet at two in the morning when she was already exhausted and in despair. While he was peacefully snoring and oblivious.

Hm. Where does that little anecdote leave you?

What's the plan, looking ahead?

You are okay.
Try going a day or two without reminding him. Wait for him to ask for your help. Practice a little distancing between the two of you.

Not suggesting neglect. You will know what to do.

It is called showtiming. Please don't take it personally.

He feels safe enough with you to be himself.

Tell him that you won't be verbally abused and to be nice when he starts in. Maybe finds different ways to remind him, like alarms or notes. This to shall pass.

Doesn’t everyone put on their best face with others? He feels safe with you, so he is himself but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t hurtful to you.

It would hurt regardless of your mother’s past behavior but I do feel that makes it harder to tolerate because naturally we dream about a happy life after our childhood.

I can understand how this is terribly disturbing to you. No one anticipates significant changes like this.

Add to that, the most concerning issue of questioning what to do about it, this all adds up to an enormous amount of anxiety.

I would certainly bring all of this to his doctor’s attention to see what can be done, and to plan for his future care.

Best wishes to you and your husband.

That's a huge problem to have gotten into with FTD dementia after such a short period of time being married, and having no knowledge of his issue beforehand. It would be a good idea to speak with your husband's doctor to discuss possible medication to calm his anger issues. FTD dementia is THE toughest one to deal with; can you find a support group for caregivers in your area? Maybe the doctor can refer you, or go to Alz.org online, they have a toll free number to call and lots of excellent advice to dole out.

Please do not hesitate to call 911 if he hits you, even though you may not consider it 'his fault' if he does. It's never okay for anger to erupt into violence, even when it's due to dementia. Be on guard to see if things escalate, as can happen; we see it here often. His doctor needs to know of the anger issues he's experiencing so he can advise you accordingly about meds, etc.

If you've been promised respite care, please look into it with the 'group' your husband is with. Assisted Living Facilities also provide respite so you may want to look into that as well. It's too bad his children are a no show. Do they expect you to handle everything relating to their father's condition, without lending a hand ever??

As far as acting dumb with you and 'showtiming' for others, that's typical. These elders sure seem to reserve their absolute WORST behavior for US, the ones they're supposed to love most. I see it all the time with my demented mother, who treats the caregivers at her Memory Care ALF like solid gold, and me like dirt under her shoes. Sad, isn't it?

Wishing you the best of luck taking care of YOU throughout this difficult job you've taken on.

Thank you for asking. I’m supposed to have 60 hours a month for respite but the group my husband is with hasn’t provided it yet. His kids are a no show. We have only been together 5 1/2 years. I didn’t know he had dementia when we got together.
His dementia is progressing really fast and I’m not sure how to handle his anger. My mom had mental issues all the time I was growing up. So now I’m dealing with some of the same things again and it’s hard. I’m not looking for sympathy I’m just stating things.

I agree with MJ. We are ALL, I believe, different with those we are really close to. We feel safe to "let it all hang out" and we feel fewer social inhibitions about behavior. Remember when you were a child and were admonished to be on your best behavior when the "company" showed up? It is ingrained into our beings almost as surely and certainly as our early toilet training.
And it is likely due to this that, when we know that our partner or our loved one is entering early stages of problems, that when they go to the doctor and are examined thus briefly the doctor thinks it is we, ourselves, who are losing our minds.

Just like kids who act out around their parents, your husband knows you're safe to act up with because you're familiar and you won't leave him. I call it "company manners."

I'm very sorry you're going through this. We see a lot of it, and know how upsetting it must be for family caregivers.

Do you have any support with looking after your husband?