I feel like I'm at the end of my rope? I have an 84 year-old mother who is basically bedridden with arthritis and a spinal problem. She can barely get up and go to the bathroom. Lately, she cries all the time and complains nonstop when I call her. She is also severely depressed. She is under the care of a doctor for all this, but nothing is really helping. This has been going on for several years. My elderly father is trying to care for her, but he is being dragged down, too. There is also a lady that comes and helps a few times a week. I am an only child with 11 year-old triplets, and I work - have to. My life at home is not great. My husband is not supportive at all. I don't get out much, so I have few friends. I feel like I only exist. I do pray a lot, and that helps, but depression is a big problem for me. I am on medication, but because my mom and my home life is not good, I am having trouble, myself. I can't be at my parents' house all the time because of my kids, job, etc. In fact, I don't like going over there because the house smells like urine, due to her dogs going to the bathroom all the time. It is cleaned up, but the carpets are ruined. It is so depressing. I do talk to her every day, but everything is terrible, 99% of the time. Honestly, I don't like to call because I dread to hear what's wrong. I have a knot in my stomach every morning when I wake up. She is not like my mother, anymore. She is aware of what's going on, but she does have trouble with certain things that used to be easy for her. Her doctor says she doesn't have dementia, but I wonder if it's not beginning. I am at my wit's end. I cry all the time, have migraines, and stomach issues. I am under several doctors' care for my problems, but the depression remains. I think if I had a supportive husband, it wouldn't be so bad. I feel badly for my kids...they see me upset all the time. I feel like I am ruining their lives. I have no one to really talk to. My best friends, or who I thought were my best friends, have deserted me, over time. I have much to be thankful for and am blessed in many ways, but between my mom's rants, worrying about what's going to happen with her and my dad (I don't know what I will do if my dad can't take care of her), and my husband/kids, I feel like I'm in a pit and can't get out. Any advice would be appreciated. I know their are others out there like me, and I just need some help. Thanks
My Mother has had a very hard time with my Dad's passing almost a year ago in July. I had to basically step into hos shoes. But, where he could lay down the law, they still argued daily. My Mother was a lot like yours, health wise.
We had some confrontation, but for the most part, I had to learn to speak to her differently, and told her I was not going to argue. I immediately started getting her help and to the doctor. There are still problems, and I am now in the process of finding her a psychiatrist. Since your Dad is still living, try to talk with him about getting your mom tested by a neuropsychologist and neurologist. Also, your Mom needs help with her pain management, too.
I would do what was suggested above, give your Dad the numbers for the department of aging, and if he can't or doesn't call in a few weeks, then you call for him. If they have the money, call a private caregiving service. Call and have someone come clean the carpets, or work as a team with your Dad to call who you have already prequalified as licensed and Bonded, and a member of BBB, or has a good rating with them.
The walking with each child is an excellent idea, and it is something I am going to start doing again, too, after seeing the suggestion here. The chore lost is excellent, too. Only calling once a week is excellent, putting your health first is so important, even though I realize that it is easier said than done. Also, in addition to getting your Vitamin D checked, ask the to check your cortisol levels, too. My gynecologist checks mine along with other hormone levels.
Prayer helps immensely for me, too. The people that were your friends, let any hurt feelings, animosity, etc., go. Find a new one or two lunch buddies at work that you can be friends with to get out of the office. Only children seem to have a harder time with "friends" than other people. We tend to be nice to everyone, but alone a lot. Just how you are feeling alone right now even though you are in a home with 4 people. Read motivational books, talk on here, to get out your frustration and get caring suggestions along the way. Writing out my thoughts helps a lot. Make out a list of what needs to be done, snd then with baby steps start trying each one. And, remember that everything takes time, baby steps, and perseverance. You can do this. All of the above suggestions are excellent places to start. I am praying for you, and sending positive thoughts your way.
Stop calling your mother everyday. Call her once a week on Sunday and limit the call to 10 minutes (I learned THAT at my mother's knee).
Is a qualified psychiatrist managing your medication regimen for depression? If not, you need one. If you're already seeing one, you make an appointment on Monday and tell her/him that what you're on isn't working. This has less to do with your "situation"--husband, kids and mother--than with your depression, which is causing you to feel hopeless and helpless. If you weren't depressed, the solutions to all of these issues would be clearer.
Conceptualize this all as putting on your own oxygen mask. You can't help ANY of the other people in your life if YOU aren't well.
And another thing. Make a chart of the household chores that your kids and husband are now responsible for, taking out the trash, doing dishes, laundry and putting stuff away. If they don't do, don't do it for them. If they want to live in mess and trash, then so be it. Everyone has a job in your house, starting right now.
Got it? Okay, go!