“How do I deal with being a hated and abused person?
Enjoy it and look at it as a compliment! For you to make someone think, feel and talk about you, Then That obviously makes you something speciaL and doing something right 😁.
Abusers will hate and you will show them how much you appreciate their hate by doing whatever you’re doing, but even better and harder. Don't let them be a thought in your mind and focus your attention on you! The more they worry about you, the further you get ahead!”
I think the best possible thing is to completely cut off contact. However with a parent I can see how that would not be so simple.
In my case I had to live with/deal with a true blue narc sibling and one brief relationship and what helps a ton is this cognitive behavioral trick; if thoughts of them pop in your, had, immediately think of something else. Anything! Baseball scores, chocolate, puppies, whatever. Just blast over that thought of that person with any other thought.
This cognitive trick is not the easiest to make automatic and it took me about 30 days of really consciously doing it to make it a habit. But once it becomes a habit…freeeedooooom!!!
I still have to hear about my sibling now and then and have to deal with that, but I swear by this cognitive trick for freeing up brain space that these narcs take up!
“GREAT BIG OVERSIZED BABIES. Foul mouthed, mean as any venomous snake, but just great BIG BABIES. The next time he starts verbally abusing you...picture his head on the body of a baby and you'll never have to wonder why he verbally abuses you again. If you mentally put a pink bow on his head and give him a rattle, you might not even notice the abuse. It's also a great stress reliever and fun at parties. Just, whatever you do, unless you are me, don't laugh! That is very important. I, unfortunately, have no self-control and I did - but it's okay, because I apparently am more stubborn than I am smart so I was fine.”
“So, this is what I did. I changed my focus. I stopped reading so damn much about NPD and trying to figure his behaviour out. Instead, I read about surviving emotional abuse, dysfunctions and trauma bonding.
I stopped focusing on understanding why the NPD person was doing all this, stopped trying to understand that behaviour. I stopped trying to figure out how to fix him.
I started focusing on myself.
I started trying to figure out how to fix myself.
When you start building yourself back up, you’ll be able to make a very simple, yet monumental, change: You’ll stop giving a f*** about that person.”
“Co-existing with toxics means going around them to set your own rules, then accepting that you don’t need them to respect those rules to claim your power. Here are some powerful ways to do that:
1. Be empowered by your motives. Sometimes toxic people will trap you like a hunted thing – you know you don’t have to give in to them, but you also know that there will be consequences if you don’t. The secret is to make your decision from a position of power, rather than feeling controlled. In the same way there is something they want from you, there will always be something you want from them (even if it is to avoid more of their toxicity). Decide that you’re doing what you’re doing to control them and their behaviour – not because you’re a victim of their manipulation. Personal power is everything to do with what you believe and nothing to do with what they think.
2. Understand why they’re seeing what they see in you. Toxic people will always see in others what they don’t want to acknowledge about themselves. It’s called projection. You could be the kindest, most generous, hardest working person on the planet and toxic people will turn themselves inside out trying to convince you that you’re a liar, unfair, nasty or a slacker. See it for what it is. You know the truth, even if they never will.
3. Be ready to listen to that voice inside you that lets you know when something isn’t right. It’s powerful and rarely wrong (if ever). Whether someone else thinks it’s right or wrong doesn’t matter. What matters is whether it’s right or wrong for you. Let that guide your response and when you can, who’s in and who’s out.
4. Don’t stop being understanding, compassionate, kind and respectful – but be all of them to yourself first.
5. You can’t reason with toxic people – you just can’t. That’s one of the things that makes them toxic.
6. You don’t need their approval. You really don’t. Don’t look for their approval or their appreciation – you won’t get it unless it comes with conditions, all of which will dampen you. You’ll constantly feel drained because they’ll draw on your open heart, your emotional generosity, your reasonableness, your compassion and your humanity – and they will give absolutely nothing back. Give what you need to, but don’t give any more than that in the hope of getting something back. There will never be any more than minimal, and even that will come with conditions.
7. Focus on the solution rather than the problem. Toxic people will have you bending over backwards and tied with a barbed wire ribbon to keep you there. What will keep you stuck is playing over and over in your head the vastness of their screwed-up behaviour. It will keep you angry, sad and disempowered. If you have to make a decision that you’d rather not make, focus on the mess that’s it’s cleaning up, not the person who is making your life hell. Don’t focus on their negative behaviour – there’s just too much there to focus on and it will never make sense to you anyway.”
Doing great! I hope you too! I'm healed. The single most important thing in my healing, was to cut contact for a while from my abusive mom (this was only possible after I set up a pretty much self-sufficient in-home caregiving system for my mom; it took a while to find the right, reliable caregivers). I feel like myself again! The second most important thing in my healing, was reading up on narcs. I understand what they do, how they operate, their lies, their goal to destroy you because they're jealous of you.
Wow, venting. That's amazing Good for you!!! I agree that a total break is necessary at times for healing and clear thinking; as is learning about what you are dealing with. Both helped me enormously. I know jealousy is a big issue with narcs. Now to keep your boundaries firm. Boundaries have to change sometimes. They are not etched in stone. We change, other people change, circumstances change, so boundaries have to change.
I am so happy for you and glad you have your good life back. ((((((hugs)))))
Not about how to heal, but understanding what abusers do:
In case this is useful for anyone.
From the internet: this is a list of things abusive people do. The abusive person could be a family member (often it’s a mother), a stranger…or even a “friend”. Be careful, because a bad friend can behave this way, too.
1. Blame-shifting. It’s an abusive tactic used to control conversations, and signals that this person cannot and will not be accountable to his responsibility. He’ll verbally attack, instead of admitting his fault.
2. This person isn’t a friend. They’re making themself feel better by criticizing you.
3. In combination with gaslighting ("He later claims he had no idea you were upset").
4. If you want to know someone’s character, say “no”. Everyone’s nice when they get along. Try saying “no”, try disagreeing. Then you see that person’s real character.
5. Be careful of sentences such as, “This conversation is over for me. Whatever problem you have with what I said, you’ll have to solve it in your own head.”
6. They accuse you of doing things they're doing (gas-lighting, projecting). The blame is no longer on them, in order to put you on the defense.
7. is the stink bomb This is the last resort, usually when they've been blatantly caught or called out for something they know they did wrong.
They throw a completely unfounded, terrible accusation at you.
Now you're defending yourself against wild accusations that you never could have even dreamed of. Who could prepare for that?
And once again, that's the whole point. The blame is now off of them, and now you're the one in hot water.
To heck with the abuser. My dad was abusive. He couldn't beat us anymore, but he did have a mouth.
I went to Weight Watchers and discussed it there and about my weight gain. One lady told me to stop talking to him. Once he died, let one of my siblings call me. It played out exactly that way.
I had dad over one day a month before he passed. He was himself that day and had a lot to say to me. He stopped walking shortly after his last visit because the cancer was taking over. I'm glad I got to spend one last visit with him. This is the visit I chose to remember him by.
More on what abusers do, in case this helps anyone:
“…All of them claim to have ‘lost control’, but they are super charming and in control when the cops show up or someone else, and how the abuse is never to a boss or person of authority…and he’s careful that the damage isn’t bad enough to need a hospital, and the stuff he breaks is never HIS stuff…
“The ones where the police kind of blew it off as a misunderstanding and the judge gave them a slap on the wrist? Those abusers came back HARDER.
“They abuse because they feel entitled to. Because they LIKE it and how it makes them feel.
“No amount of therapy will fix bad character.
“He knows he’s being sh*tty and he doesn’t care.”
“All you end up doing is wasting your time and making yourself sick with effort to change someone who is unwilling.”
Venting - at first when I saw that your old post was coming back to life I almost bypassed it, but I'm so very glad I didn't. Your updated comments are so incredibly relevant to what is happening with my narcissistic father-in-law right now and I'm literally compiling them into an email to share with my SIL and sharing them with my DH today.
As is almost always the case when someone moves to a nursing home - my FIL has ramped up his behavior because he is not happy he had to move. But as is ALWAYS the case with a narcissist - he is reaching new heights of underhanded and contemptible behaviors that make me want to just walk away entirely. BUT naturally due to the years of conditioning for my DH and SIL, the process is very long and hard for them to learn and begin to really protect themselves from who their father really is.
My FIL is under psychiatric care, and since he is undiagnosed as NPD, I did mention to the social worker (with permission from DH and SIL) that we have long felt that he had an undiagnosed personality disorder after some things that have occurred the last two weeks. I'm hoping at the bare minimum that the psychiatrist might weigh in and give my DH and SIL some coping skills on how to deal with what is going on with their dad and the over the top manipulation we are seeing now that we can't watch his every move from home.
Narcissistic abuse in the elderly is a new level of "fun". The entitlement is strong.
Actually you do know what they’re doing: they’re intentionally trying to harm you, and most likely attacking your character so you suddenly have to defend yourself. They want you to constantly defend yourself.
Just act dumb, like you don’t understand what they’re saying.
“I'm 60 years old, and just realized that I had an Nmom. I always knew something was 'off', but now I know what. This whole time I thought it was me....”
Yeah, I’m a slow learner. I was in my fifties when it finally dawned on me.
”DARVO” nails it.
If I ever dared to ask her to stop a behaviour that hurt my feelings or was inappropriate, she’d deny ever having done or said it. When I provided specific examples and circumstances, she’d become very angry. Then she’d turn it around that I should learn to understand her and stop picking on her. I’d tell her that I didn’t want to fight. I simply wanted to make her aware that, when she acted like that, it hurt my feelings terribly and pushed me away.
It baffled me my whole life that, after she was nasty to me, somehow she was the victim.
You know what kills me? I’m that friend everyone comes to for advice. For perspective. For support. At the same time, examining my own upbringing has left me feeling sad and angry - an emotional train wreck.
Survival and NC (No Contact) are not healing. It’s not enough.
Acceptance is not healing.
You can’t heal in the same environment that hurts you.
“How do I get to the other side of it and feel healed and whole, and at peace, that nothing can undo my peace? That I no longer become an open wound when someone touches the scabs of my past trauma?”
Possible answers: —Finding your smile again is a major victory. —Once you can consistently have a positive mood and slowly let go of the pain, that's also another step. (That’s not me, since my name is Ventingisback) —Do things you weren't allowed to do. —Reclaim your life in the way you knew it should've been. —The world is your oyster at this point. You don't need to figure everything out tommorow morning.
”**When confronting a narcissist. Sometimes it might be better not to. They NEVER will own their sh**t. They CAN'T take responsibility, and WILL use anything you say against you in the future. And they WILL twist facts, and NEGLECT your emotions. **”
I think we get confused with narc moms and dads, because there’s the word “mom” and “dad”.
If any “friend” treated us that way, we’d immediately see it’s crazy and wrong, and we’d get rid of the “friend”. We would see they are an EMEMY.
But with our crazy Nmoms and Ndads, we don’t see that actually they are our ENEMY, not a friend. Narcs feel self-hatred and spit it at us. And they’ll sabotage our life because they’re our ENEMY.
Think of all you would have achieved without such an ENEMY in your life? With instead a normal, nice parent in your life?
They’re our ENEMY. None of what they do to is is that surprising, because that’s what ENEMIES are for!! Instead of that nice song “That’s what friends are for”…
I didn’t know this term existed (DARVOing). It only took me XXX years to discover this.
ALL abusers do this, DARVOing you.
DARVO ("deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender")
1. The abuser denies the abuse ever took place.
2. When confronted with evidence, the abuser then attacks the person that was abused (and/or the person's family and/or friends) for attempting to hold the abuser accountable for their actions, and finally
3. The abuser claims that they are actually the victim in the situation, thus reversing the positions of victim and offender. It often involves not just playing the victim, but also victim blaming.
“Yes. Healing was possible for me after 20 years of narcissistic abuse from parents, even if the next 20 involved narcissistic abuse from other sources.”
“The truth is, there are a lot of bad people in this world. These people are everywhere. It's up to good people to put up boundaries to keep the bad people out. Bad people have no boundaries.”
Yes venting: "The truth is, there are a lot of bad people in this world." I was just going to write about how absolutely, totally, I am tired of hearing the word "narcissistic" tossed around on this forum. (I think someone else recently said something similar, but there may have been other issues with that posting). And I was just going to write using the word "bad" -- precisely -- as to what I have used in the later years of my life to characterize certain people. They are "bad" (but if there's "bad" then there has to be "good," no?) But of course the older I get, instead of getting "wiser" I find myself questioning more and more -- everything. Forgive my digression(s) I have talked to others about dementia as I have no close-relative experience with it. Someone who does have experience in this recently said how glad she was that her grandmother (who she moved into a house down the street from hers to watch over the woman) remained as "sweet" as she always was when she began suffering from dementia. She then added that this is NOT always the case, i.e. someone who starts experiencing dementia symptoms who may have had a wonderful, kind, even tempered personality all his/her life may become just awful to deal with as they are afflicted with dementia. As to why this may be more prevalent now than in other times, i.e. a greater number of difficult elderly people than in a bygone era (if that is in fact true) here's a comment I read recently that made me think. Michael Connelly (one of our top fiction/crime writers, also on Netflix I hear) very recently published a book with a dialogue between Harry Bosch (his main character) and a young detective he is mentoring. They've just been dealing with some awful, depraved crime and the younger one asks Harry: "WHY?" In this novel, written during or in in the post-Pandemic period, has Harry make this reply: "A lot of people are very angry right now..." Then, to add some punch to this observation, the younger detective replies something like this: "Oh. I think I understand." Harry replies: "NO!!! I hope you never do understand." Anyway, life is very tough for a lot of people right now, and the elderly may feel particularly vulnerable. Are they bad people? Narcissistic people (whatever that means...) I don't know. But I'm pretty sure they are probably very angry people.
“I discovered HOW STRONG I AM AND HOW MUCH SHE HELD ME BACK. I went through a second puberty in my 40s and I AM NOTHING COMPARED TO WHEN I LIVED UNDER HER ROOF. I'm extremely confident and HAPPY!!! THERE’S ABSOLUTELY NO HEAVINESS in my home. YOUR MOTHER DOESNT FEEL GUILTY WITH HOW SHE TREATS YOU. SHE EXPECTS TO BE RESPECTED EVEN THOUGH SHE DISRESPECTS EVERYONE. THIS IS NOT NORMAL!!!!!!!
YOU HAVE ONE LIFE, LIVE IT WITH PEACE....WITHOUT HER.”
The same thing happened to me. I was negative, though I was a big failure, though I was selfish and that I was the cause of moms complaining. She is still alive but I moved out 2 1/2 years ago. My attitude, self-esteem, happiness and more has totally changed. I have the confidence to stick up for myself and understand it's OK TO BE HAPPY!
ventingisback, I totally agree with you. We do have an obligation to ourselves and I also believe others have an obligation to have a place where people who are being abused can report it. There already are means for children and spouses, just not adult victims of narcissist abuse. Sometimes even when people go no contact, the abuser won't let them. Also, there are cases when the person who is abused is the only caretaker. There are certainly challenges along the way for people dealing with this sort of abuse. It is my hope that there will be a means for reporting it and having real change take place. I have heard one known therapist state that they think that narcissist abuse should be a crime, likened to domestic and child abuse. They explained also that their hands were tied at this point to make real change happen, but I disagree. People have to hear from them also for this to occur. It would be great if that would happen also. So many people are suffering, reading about caregivers also who have their families ripped apart, as well as their finances sometimes being wiped out, as well as their health being effected badly. I'd like to see real change like starting a petition regarding narcissist abuse for a start and to get it out there right from the people who are experiencing it.
i like this person’s attitude:
“How do I deal with being a hated and abused person?
Enjoy it and look at it as a compliment! For you to make someone think, feel and talk about you, Then That obviously makes you something speciaL and doing something right 😁.
Abusers will hate and you will show them how much you appreciate their hate by doing whatever you’re doing, but even better and harder. Don't let them be a thought in your mind and focus your attention on you! The more they worry about you, the further you get ahead!”
In my case I had to live with/deal with a true blue narc sibling and one brief relationship and what helps a ton is this cognitive behavioral trick; if thoughts of them pop in your, had, immediately think of something else. Anything! Baseball scores, chocolate, puppies, whatever. Just blast over that thought of that person with any other thought.
This cognitive trick is not the easiest to make automatic and it took me about 30 days of really consciously doing it to make it a habit. But once it becomes a habit…freeeedooooom!!!
I still have to hear about my sibling now and then and have to deal with that, but I swear by this cognitive trick for freeing up brain space that these narcs take up!
Give it a whirl and some time . Good luck!
why do they abuse you?
because they’re:
“GREAT BIG OVERSIZED BABIES. Foul mouthed, mean as any venomous snake, but just great BIG BABIES. The next time he starts verbally abusing you...picture his head on the body of a baby and you'll never have to wonder why he verbally abuses you again. If you mentally put a pink bow on his head and give him a rattle, you might not even notice the abuse. It's also a great stress reliever and fun at parties. Just, whatever you do, unless you are me, don't laugh! That is very important. I, unfortunately, have no self-control and I did - but it's okay, because I apparently am more stubborn than I am smart so I was fine.”
change the focus to yourself:
“So, this is what I did.
I changed my focus.
I stopped reading so damn much about NPD and trying to figure his behaviour out. Instead, I read about surviving emotional abuse, dysfunctions and trauma bonding.
I stopped focusing on understanding why the NPD person was doing all this, stopped trying to understand that behaviour. I stopped trying to figure out how to fix him.
I started focusing on myself.
I started trying to figure out how to fix myself.
When you start building yourself back up, you’ll be able to make a very simple, yet monumental, change: You’ll stop giving a f*** about that person.”
“Co-existing with toxics means going around them to set your own rules, then accepting that you don’t need them to respect those rules to claim your power. Here are some powerful ways to do that:
1.
Be empowered by your motives. Sometimes toxic people will trap you like a hunted thing – you know you don’t have to give in to them, but you also know that there will be consequences if you don’t. The secret is to make your decision from a position of power, rather than feeling controlled. In the same way there is something they want from you, there will always be something you want from them (even if it is to avoid more of their toxicity). Decide that you’re doing what you’re doing to control them and their behaviour – not because you’re a victim of their manipulation. Personal power is everything to do with what you believe and nothing to do with what they think.
2.
Understand why they’re seeing what they see in you. Toxic people will always see in others what they don’t want to acknowledge about themselves. It’s called projection. You could be the kindest, most generous, hardest working person on the planet and toxic people will turn themselves inside out trying to convince you that you’re a liar, unfair, nasty or a slacker. See it for what it is. You know the truth, even if they never will.
3.
Be ready to listen to that voice inside you that lets you know when something isn’t right. It’s powerful and rarely wrong (if ever). Whether someone else thinks it’s right or wrong doesn’t matter. What matters is whether it’s right or wrong for you. Let that guide your response and when you can, who’s in and who’s out.
4.
Don’t stop being understanding, compassionate, kind and respectful – but be all of them to yourself first.
5.
You can’t reason with toxic people – you just can’t. That’s one of the things that makes them toxic.
6.
You don’t need their approval. You really don’t. Don’t look for their approval or their appreciation – you won’t get it unless it comes with conditions, all of which will dampen you. You’ll constantly feel drained because they’ll draw on your open heart, your emotional generosity, your reasonableness, your compassion and your humanity – and they will give absolutely nothing back. Give what you need to, but don’t give any more than that in the hope of getting something back. There will never be any more than minimal, and even that will come with conditions.
7.
Focus on the solution rather than the problem. Toxic people will have you bending over backwards and tied with a barbed wire ribbon to keep you there. What will keep you stuck is playing over and over in your head the vastness of their screwed-up behaviour. It will keep you angry, sad and disempowered. If you have to make a decision that you’d rather not make, focus on the mess that’s it’s cleaning up, not the person who is making your life hell. Don’t focus on their negative behaviour – there’s just too much there to focus on and it will never make sense to you anyway.”
🙂🙂🌸🌸🍀🍀
I am so happy for you and glad you have your good life back. ((((((hugs)))))
In case this is useful for anyone.
From the internet: this is a list of things abusive people do. The abusive person could be a family member (often it’s a mother), a stranger…or even a “friend”. Be careful, because a bad friend can behave this way, too.
1. Blame-shifting. It’s an abusive tactic used to control conversations, and signals that this person cannot and will not be accountable to his responsibility. He’ll verbally attack, instead of admitting his fault.
2. This person isn’t a friend. They’re making themself feel better by criticizing you.
3. In combination with gaslighting ("He later claims he had no idea you were upset").
4. If you want to know someone’s character, say “no”. Everyone’s nice when they get along. Try saying “no”, try disagreeing. Then you see that person’s real character.
5. Be careful of sentences such as, “This conversation is over for me. Whatever problem you have with what I said, you’ll have to solve it in your own head.”
6. They accuse you of doing things they're doing (gas-lighting, projecting). The blame is no longer on them, in order to put you on the defense.
7. is the stink bomb
This is the last resort, usually when they've been blatantly caught or called out for something they know they did wrong.
They throw a completely unfounded, terrible accusation at you.
Now you're defending yourself against wild accusations that you never could have even dreamed of. Who could prepare for that?
And once again, that's the whole point. The blame is now off of them, and now you're the one in hot water.
My heart goes out to those enduring this behavior from both groups!
I guarantee you’ll recognize your abusive mom, dad…or even abusive “friend”.
They all do the same things…
https://liveboldandbloom.com/02/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse
Whether it’s your awful, elderly mom doing this to you (99% are moms, rather than dads)…or an abusive “friend”…
Understand this:
WHY?
Emotional abusers have a need to control and dominate the other person.
CONSEQUENCE:
The stress of emotional abuse will eventually catch up with you in the form of illness, emotional trauma, depression, or anxiety.
You simply can’t allow it to continue, even if it means ending the relationship.
WHAT TO DO:
1.
Put your own needs first.
Stop worrying about pleasing or protecting the abuser.
Take care of yourself and your needs, and let the other person worry about themselves.
2.
Realize you can’t “fix” them.
You can’t reason your way into their hearts and minds.
3.
Develop an exit plan.
You can’t remain in an emotionally abusive relationship forever.
The abusers tend to enjoy the power they feel from mental abuse.
4.
You are not to blame.
You start to feel like something must be wrong with you since this other person treats you so poorly.
It is NOT you. This is the first step toward rebuilding your self-esteem.
THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.
Also, things to keep in mind:
1.
Nothing is more damaging to your confidence and self-esteem than being in an emotionally abusive relationship.
2.
The most common is:
abusive man against woman.
3.
It’s a psychological trauma inflicted to create a power imbalance in the relationship.
I went to Weight Watchers and discussed it there and about my weight gain. One lady told me to stop talking to him. Once he died, let one of my siblings call me. It played out exactly that way.
I had dad over one day a month before he passed. He was himself that day and had a lot to say to me. He stopped walking shortly after his last visit because the cancer was taking over. I'm glad I got to spend one last visit with him. This is the visit I chose to remember him by.
“…All of them claim to have ‘lost control’, but they are super charming and in control when the cops show up or someone else, and how the abuse is never to a boss or person of authority…and he’s careful that the damage isn’t bad enough to need a hospital, and the stuff he breaks is never HIS stuff…
“The ones where the police kind of blew it off as a misunderstanding and the judge gave them a slap on the wrist? Those abusers came back HARDER.
“They abuse because they feel entitled to. Because they LIKE it and how it makes them feel.
“No amount of therapy will fix bad character.
“He knows he’s being sh*tty and he doesn’t care.”
“All you end up doing is wasting your time and making yourself sick with effort to change someone who is unwilling.”
“If they play pigeon chess. I knew an abuser who could never be wrong about anything even if he was wrong. He played pigeon chess all the time.
“It knocks the pieces over, craps on the board, and flies back to its flock to claim victory.”
Be careful of people who try to make your life just a little bit more frustrating.
As is almost always the case when someone moves to a nursing home - my FIL has ramped up his behavior because he is not happy he had to move. But as is ALWAYS the case with a narcissist - he is reaching new heights of underhanded and contemptible behaviors that make me want to just walk away entirely. BUT naturally due to the years of conditioning for my DH and SIL, the process is very long and hard for them to learn and begin to really protect themselves from who their father really is.
My FIL is under psychiatric care, and since he is undiagnosed as NPD, I did mention to the social worker (with permission from DH and SIL) that we have long felt that he had an undiagnosed personality disorder after some things that have occurred the last two weeks. I'm hoping at the bare minimum that the psychiatrist might weigh in and give my DH and SIL some coping skills on how to deal with what is going on with their dad and the over the top manipulation we are seeing now that we can't watch his every move from home.
Narcissistic abuse in the elderly is a new level of "fun". The entitlement is strong.
By the way, I’ve also compiled all this info into an email to myself. Very useful to look at, once in a while.
A toxic person is not worth a nanosecond of your time.
A toxic mother is always going to seek to do harm. Never forget that “deceit” is their middle name.
Live your own, best life. Make your own choices and your own way through the world.
“I don’t understand what you’re saying.”
Repeat,
“I don’t understand.”
Then change subject, or leave. Just act dumb, like you’re intellectually not able to understand.
If you’re on the phone, just say the connection’s really bad, you can’t hear. Or, play dumb.
Try not to argue, get upset/sad/hurt. That’s exactly what they want. Just act dumb. You don’t understand what they’re saying.
Just act dumb, like you don’t understand what they’re saying.
“All they want is to hurt someone, they enjoy it, they crave it and they won't change. Treat them like serial killers.”
“I'm 60 years old, and just realized that I had an Nmom. I always knew something was 'off', but now I know what. This whole time I thought it was me....”
”DARVO” nails it.
If I ever dared to ask her to stop a behaviour that hurt my feelings or was inappropriate, she’d deny ever having done or said it. When I provided specific examples and circumstances, she’d become very angry. Then she’d turn it around that I should learn to understand her and stop picking on her. I’d tell her that I didn’t want to fight. I simply wanted to make her aware that, when she acted like that, it hurt my feelings terribly and pushed me away.
It baffled me my whole life that, after she was nasty to me, somehow she was the victim.
You know what kills me? I’m that friend everyone comes to for advice. For perspective. For support. At the same time, examining my own upbringing has left me feeling sad and angry - an emotional train wreck.
Acceptance is not healing.
You can’t heal in the same environment that hurts you.
“How do I get to the other side of it and feel healed and whole, and at peace, that nothing can undo my peace? That I no longer become an open wound when someone touches the scabs of my past trauma?”
Possible answers:
—Finding your smile again is a major victory.
—Once you can consistently have a positive mood and slowly let go of the pain, that's also another step. (That’s not me, since my name is Ventingisback)
—Do things you weren't allowed to do.
—Reclaim your life in the way you knew it should've been.
—The world is your oyster at this point. You don't need to figure everything out tommorow morning.
”**When confronting a narcissist. Sometimes it might be better not to. They NEVER will own their sh**t. They CAN'T take responsibility, and WILL use anything you say against you in the future. And they WILL twist facts, and NEGLECT your emotions. **”
I think we get confused with narc moms and dads, because there’s the word “mom” and “dad”.
If any “friend” treated us that way, we’d immediately see it’s crazy and wrong, and we’d get rid of the “friend”. We would see they are an EMEMY.
But with our crazy Nmoms and Ndads, we don’t see that actually they are our ENEMY, not a friend. Narcs feel self-hatred and spit it at us. And they’ll sabotage our life because they’re our ENEMY.
Think of all you would have achieved without such an ENEMY in your life? With instead a normal, nice parent in your life?
They’re our ENEMY. None of what they do to is is that surprising, because that’s what ENEMIES are for!! Instead of that nice song “That’s what friends are for”…
”Don’t you miss the non-empathy?”
I didn’t know this term existed (DARVOing). It only took me XXX years to discover this.
ALL abusers do this, DARVOing you.
DARVO ("deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender")
1. The abuser denies the abuse ever took place.
2. When confronted with evidence, the abuser then attacks the person that was abused (and/or the person's family and/or friends) for attempting to hold the abuser accountable for their actions, and finally
3. The abuser claims that they are actually the victim in the situation, thus reversing the positions of victim and offender. It often involves not just playing the victim, but also victim blaming.
“Yes.
Healing was possible for me after 20 years of narcissistic abuse from parents, even if the next 20 involved narcissistic abuse from other sources.”
!!!
Could be like going back to live with the abusers, getting involved romantically with abusers…”
“I discovered HOW STRONG I AM AND HOW MUCH SHE HELD ME BACK. I went through a second puberty in my 40s and I AM NOTHING COMPARED TO WHEN I LIVED UNDER HER ROOF. I'm extremely confident and HAPPY!!! THERE’S ABSOLUTELY NO HEAVINESS in my home.
YOUR MOTHER DOESNT FEEL GUILTY WITH HOW SHE TREATS YOU. SHE EXPECTS TO BE RESPECTED EVEN THOUGH SHE DISRESPECTS EVERYONE. THIS IS NOT NORMAL!!!!!!!
YOU HAVE ONE LIFE, LIVE IT WITH PEACE....WITHOUT HER.”