I had an abusive elderly client for about two months, and I was afraid to leave my apartment for about a year afterwards. PTSD is real. My blood pressure was stroke range for about a year and now I have heart issues.
I'm sharing this because if this short span of time hurt me, just think and feel how this is affecting you for the long term. Abuse is abuse. It doesn't matter who is doing the abuse, it will have a hold on you for a long time.
I sought out therapy. I shared an incident with the therapist and told her how this client had literally blocked me with her walker on her basement steps and threatened me if I touched her, she was going to call and report elder abuse. Now this was a dementia client, and the next day told her cousin that she and I had a debate. Sometimes I wonder how much of this is dementia and how much of this abusive nonsense is mixed in with their illness. I quit the case. No amount of money is worth my health.
A person's personality even an abusive one will come shining through once those filters are gone. I would observe if this behavior will stop when others are around. If the behavior stops when others are around, this means this person still has some measure of control. Maybe, I'm in denial, but a lot of things that are said about the brain being broke may work in some instances. However, abusers always abuse when there are no witnesses around.
The point of this thread, is that many posters are in this situation right now: it’s totally connected to caregiving. The posters are caring for abusive, elderly parents. That makes it very hard for the caregiver. (By caregiver, I don’t mean hands-on. I mean any form of helping/caregiving).
Sometimes I use quotation marks in my posts below: because it comes from the internet: various people with ideas on how to understand what elderly abusers do.
For those who are lucky that it’s not happening to them, great! Lucky!
But it’s happening to many people on the forum. There are many abusive elderly people. It helps to see clearly what they’re doing to you, while you’re helping.
To others who’re helping their abusive elderly LOs, remember:
A responsible, empathetic, non-abusive parent by definition wouldn’t want their adult child to caregive. (By caregiving, I mean helping, whatever form that takes; a huge chunk of your time and life). That includes whatever sibling, who’s trying to push you into that role, so they’re not it.
An empathetic, non-exploitative parent wants a solution for their elderly problems that doesn’t involve stealing your time. A favor here and there might be understandable. But not a huge chunk of your time. You’re in your prime and you were given life to live it.
As InvisibleOne wrote:
“Please value your life, even when others do not.”
You often hear that abusive elderly parents live long. One reason is that, they shove all their caregiving issues onto their child, which means they themselves have very little stress since they have a slave solving their stressful problems.
I’m thinking maybe yet another reason abusive elderly parents live long, is actually because they want to abuse you as long as possible! They do what they can to stay alive, for that purpose! They know if they die, you’ll be free of abuse.
I wonder if the abuse they throw at us while we caregive, is poison. They had poison in them, they throw the poison at us. Now we’re in a bad mood, until the poison leaves our body a few days later, or unless we also spit the poison at someone else (we don’t, because we’re nice).
In case my sentences below help anyone who’s an abused caregiver by the LOs they’re caring for…(caregiver is anyone who helps; it doesn’t have to be hands-on) (abuse doesn’t have to be verbal/physical/etc…it can also be exploitative of your time, stealing too much of your time and life)….
Some sentences to consider:
1. Is your plan to start your life only when the LO has passed away?
2. How about letting others (paid non-family caregivers) deal with them till the end? Depending on how bad the abuse is, some people feel enormous freedom going completely no contact. For the first time in their life, they’re not abused. Remember, you’re VERY LIKELY to get a health problem later in life as a direct result of the continuous abuse. Now that you know that (you can’t say you weren’t warned), are you willing to give your consent to that future health problem?
3.You might not realize it, but your abuser is using contact with you, as an opportunity to get pot-shots in before they die.
4.”Don’t drink poison just because you’re thirsty.”
5.Can daughters (it’s normally the girl who’s abused) thrive and heal? Yes. But most likely you’ll need to get away from the abusive LO, even though you wish to help them. Ironically, your success at helping them, has extended your abuser’s life AND therefore also extended the amount of time you’ll continue to be abused!!
6.Some people find it useful to stop calling their mom, “mom”. A mom is loving, kind, cares about YOUR best interests. What you have is an enemy.
7.She doesn’t want you to succeed.
8.Success is the best revenge. You will achieve incredible things without your abuser’s influence.
I'm sharing this because if this short span of time hurt me, just think and feel how this is affecting you for the long term. Abuse is abuse. It doesn't matter who is doing the abuse, it will have a hold on you for a long time.
I sought out therapy. I shared an incident with the therapist and told her how this client had literally blocked me with her walker on her basement steps and threatened me if I touched her, she was going to call and report elder abuse. Now this was a dementia client, and the next day told her cousin that she and I had a debate. Sometimes I wonder how much of this is dementia and how much of this abusive nonsense is mixed in with their illness. I quit the case. No amount of money is worth my health.
A person's personality even an abusive one will come shining through once those filters are gone. I would observe if this behavior will stop when others are around. If the behavior stops when others are around, this means this person still has some measure of control. Maybe, I'm in denial, but a lot of things that are said about the brain being broke may work in some instances. However, abusers always abuse when there are no witnesses around.
I’m kidding. No mystery.
Abusers abuse specific people, with whom they think there are no consequences.
Sometimes I use quotation marks in my posts below: because it comes from the internet: various people with ideas on how to understand what elderly abusers do.
For those who are lucky that it’s not happening to them, great! Lucky!
But it’s happening to many people on the forum. There are many abusive elderly people. It helps to see clearly what they’re doing to you, while you’re helping.
It means while you’re helping them, they’re abusing you. They’re DARVOing you:
deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender.
A responsible, empathetic, non-abusive parent by definition wouldn’t want their adult child to caregive. (By caregiving, I mean helping, whatever form that takes; a huge chunk of your time and life). That includes whatever sibling, who’s trying to push you into that role, so they’re not it.
An empathetic, non-exploitative parent wants a solution for their elderly problems that doesn’t involve stealing your time. A favor here and there might be understandable. But not a huge chunk of your time. You’re in your prime and you were given life to live it.
As InvisibleOne wrote:
“Please value your life, even when others do not.”
By doing that, they do the following:
“She didn't actually want me succeeding or going anywhere, but she would never have admitted that or wanted anyone to know about it.”
You often hear that abusive elderly parents live long. One reason is that, they shove all their caregiving issues onto their child, which means they themselves have very little stress since they have a slave solving their stressful problems.
I’m thinking maybe yet another reason abusive elderly parents live long, is actually because they want to abuse you as long as possible! They do what they can to stay alive, for that purpose! They know if they die, you’ll be free of abuse.
In case my sentences below help anyone who’s an abused caregiver by the LOs they’re caring for…(caregiver is anyone who helps; it doesn’t have to be hands-on) (abuse doesn’t have to be verbal/physical/etc…it can also be exploitative of your time, stealing too much of your time and life)….
Some sentences to consider:
1. Is your plan to start your life only when the LO has passed away?
2. How about letting others (paid non-family caregivers) deal with them till the end? Depending on how bad the abuse is, some people feel enormous freedom going completely no contact. For the first time in their life, they’re not abused. Remember, you’re VERY LIKELY to get a health problem later in life as a direct result of the continuous abuse. Now that you know that (you can’t say you weren’t warned), are you willing to give your consent to that future health problem?
3.You might not realize it, but your abuser is using contact with you, as an opportunity to get pot-shots in before they die.
4.”Don’t drink poison just because you’re thirsty.”
5.Can daughters (it’s normally the girl who’s abused) thrive and heal? Yes. But most likely you’ll need to get away from the abusive LO, even though you wish to help them. Ironically, your success at helping them, has extended your abuser’s life AND therefore also extended the amount of time you’ll continue to be abused!!
6.Some people find it useful to stop calling their mom, “mom”. A mom is loving, kind, cares about YOUR best interests. What you have is an enemy.
7.She doesn’t want you to succeed.
8.Success is the best revenge. You will achieve incredible things without your abuser’s influence.
I would love that. Not my problem anymore.
“2. …are you willing to give your consent to that future health problem?”
NO.