I contribute to caring for my mother, and so does her brother who raised me. He served as my father as I was growing up (she did not raise me). I have to rely on him for some things when it comes to checking on people who provide daily living assistance to my mother and her doctors. He lives significantly closer to my mother than I do. He's a man with a heart of gold (clearly, he raised me when he didn't have to after my father died when I was a baby), but unfortunately he is extremely opinionated, very controlling and dominating. He often makes misogynistic comments. He gets angry at me because I do not allow him to constantly character assassinate me or just accept his criticisms/blames when they're unfounded. He gives me a lot of orders that you would not give to any adult if you respected them. When I try to communicate with him regarding how our communication could be improved, he gets dismissive and ends the conversation. This causes me stress. Any advice on how to handle this dynamic?
You owe this meanspirited controlling jerk nothing. I’m sorry for your family situation but you can circumvent it and be free.
You don’t owe your mother anything either.
Enjoy your freedom and move on.
When I was growing up, every time ANYONE told a story about my maternal grandmother and my father, there was an interjection "and they ADORED each other."
I was 40, slightly tipsy at a family event in my home when one of my cousins started telling a story with this " myth" embedded.
I asked quietly "says who?"
There was an uncomfortable silence and the story was told to its conclusion. But no one has EVER said that again, at least not in my presence. As far as I could see, grandma and my dad barely tolerated each other. But my mom liked to paint these "happy family" pictures.
Please get some therapy and let the scales fall from your eyes.
How else would you come away thinking such a dreadful person "has a heart of gold" otherwise?
A person with a true heart of gold does things 100% opposite of how your father figure says and does them. He uses respect in word and deed all the time, too.
I'd extricate myself from this man's presence STAT. You've done enough for him and you've suffered enough too.
I thought I must have misread your post because these things are polar opposite of each other.
So, he raised you? Was it really due to having a ‘heat of gold’ or was it him ‘taking charge’ of your upbringing?
Was he ever a nurturing man? It doesn’t sound like it.
You are no longer a child dependent upon him. You’re an adult. You’re free! You get to make your own choices that are best for you. Avoid this unpleasant situation by not speaking to him about any decisions that you have made.
By the way, if he asks any questions, it doesn’t mean that you owe him any answers. Ignore his questions or any unwanted opinions.
I admire the relationship between you and your nephew. You care, but you’re not over bearing in his life.
You are also aware of your limitations. All we can do is make suggestions to others. We can’t force anyone to listen.
You have a healthy balance and it works well for each of you.
I keep it short, sharp but assertive back.
"Thankyou for your suggestions.
Obviously I am a separate person to you, so will have different ways of doing things. I have other plans/arrangements/ideas at this time but I will take your suggestions into consideration".
Maybe someone can write something snappier!
But keep stressing his 'orders' are not orders but *suggestions*.
Controlling people need constant reminders that their word is not law. That they do not control everything. You may need to frequently remind them 'that issue is up to me'. Keep highlighting where their control ends.
Two of my very controlling relatives have anxiety ++.
Both will order people around so their world is how they like it, to reduce their own stress.
It can be exhausting to be around at their high stress times. I keep visits as relaxed as possible & leave early if not.
Why do you believe he has a "heart of gold"?
Look, there are people who "do the right thing" and step up when needed. It sounds like that's what he did when he realized you had no one (was your mother incapable of raiding you for some reason?).
BUT it sounds as though perhaps there is lingering resentment, mental instability or something like that going on.
Do you really have to have contact with him?
HAve you tried walking out of the room, no comment when he bullies you?
Google Grey Rock as a technique
Sounds like he really enjoys bullying you, and that you were raised to take it. NO MORE. Keep standing up for yourself.
So, stand up, say: "bite me" (when appropriate), get done what needs to be done.
He'll come along and start to see you as an adult