My 90 year old mother still lives independantly and has home care once a week for an hour.
She has always favoured my second youngest sister and she and her husband have done some seriously deceiptful things behind Mums back for which I called them out for "Again" last fortnight
Obviously they have denied it.
I stayed away for 10 days thinking she might think about her behaviour to no avail when we went around about 4 days ago with a meal and some fresh sandwiches (She has been supplied with roast dinners and good meals by both my sister and I for a long long time).
My sister in law and brother were there and the minute we went into mums house we were confronted by my sister in law about how we had been treating Mum so badly and causing trouble in the family.
They havent spoken to us for 3 years and we still dont know why.
I think our mother has told so many lies they all beleive her.
I went in and said to my mother.
"Hi Mum. What is all this trouble and carry on that I am suppose to be causing in the family"?
She straight faced sat there and said "I dont know what your talking about"
The conversation pursued and my gorgeous husband who has always been so good to Mum and done so much for her when my brother in law does nothing asked my mother politely
"Why are you being so rude to us when we come around? We are only trying to help you and when we speak to you you ignore us"
Mum just sat there and the lies that spewed from her mouth ended up having me in tears to the point where I was almost hysterical.
She then said.
"Oh your good at bunging on the theatrics arent you"
Never was the case I was just so gutted with pain and hurt and could not believe the way she lied about everything and never batted an eyelid.
I tried to explain to her that I had been trying to ring her numerous times and she just claimed the phone wasnt working which is another lie.
I am a very smart woman and a phone does not dial a few times and then become busy.
Hubby then got out his mobile dialled her number and bingo.
The phone was working and that is when she really started to lose her shit and become even more vindictive and nasty and then started on Hubby who has no mother of his own and has always been respectful toward her but we just wanted to try to understand why.
By the time we left she still sat there and lied without batting an eyelid.
I have found that most times any liar will avoid eye contact, fold their arms or use other body language that is a dead giveaway but this was the most extreme example of "Dont want to hear your side of the story" we have ever experienced.
My hubby and I are gutted and on top of that I got a message from my youngest sister whom I am very close with asking me if I had written a letter to my Mother then if I had done the same to the other sister.
I was absolutely horrified that my Mother (if thats what you could call her) could make up such horrendous lies.
Apparently she claims she tore the letters up and put them in the bin.
The sister she adores will defend Mum under all situations and the time we spent with mother the other day just showed both Hubby and I just how strong a similarities they have.
My sister and her husband are typical Narcissists and anytime there is trouble in the family they or Mum are behind it.
All my friends and loved ones tell me
"You have to walk away or she is going to destroy you"
I dont feel guilty as I know I have done everything within my power to support and help our mother in her care but I wont put up with lies and deceipt
Can anyone help me deal with this and if so how.
I am as of this event stepping right back and I wont be calling her or visiting her anytime soon if at all.
I have to look after mine and my hubbys health for the sake of our only miracle child of 22. (Late life parents of 60 and 61 our son was blessed upon us at 39)
As a close friend of mine said.
"Your mother has lived her life to 90 but you still have your life to live."
We are gutted.
What is your aim here?
To get mom to like you better? (not going to happen)
To get mom to admit she's wrong? (not going to happen)
The only thing that you have under control in this situation is YOUR behavior. You can step away from the abuse and dysfunction, stop caring about mom's lies and your sister's deceit.
You can sent a Christmas card and birthday flowers and chalk it up to karma that you got the short end of the stick in the mother department.
Life is too short to deal with folks like this. They destroy our mental health and our peace.
Your mother has lived her life on her own terms, you need to do the same. Wishing you the very best!
You have just stated what our best friends father told me last weekend.
"Your mother has lived her life and you have to live the rest of yours. We dont want to be coming to your funeral"
Thank you all from the bottom of our hearts.
You have all given me and hubby so much clarity.
My dad does the same thing, it blows my mind that he can lie so effortlessly.
I call and visit on my terms. I won't give him anything except a meal in a restaurant, he only complains and quite frankly, I don't want to hear it after I have lovingly prepared a meal.
I would let it go and decide what you will do and when, then enjoy your life and family.
There is no dealing with a narcissist, they only are kind when they want something and can use you. But that kindness is only to your face. You know what she is, it's okay to move away from her reach.
Thank you for your support and you have pretty much said what we have decided we have to do for our own sake and our health for the sake of our miracle only son and his partner. As I said to others "The difficult part will be her trying to manipulate our sons mind next time he rings her as she turns on the charm with others so that she can lead them to beleive that she is not at fault and she is the victim" which we all know Narcissists are very good at.
It popped in my head, yes, you're turning your back on your mother, and if anyone critical of you speaks those words to you, here is one response for you: "Yes. I am. Because my face is battered from her verbal attacks. My eyes are blistered from her looks of hatred and scorn. My head is bruised from her insults. My stomach is exploding from the stress of helping her only to be punched in the stomach by her rejections. My back is all I have left for her."
If you are going to go "no contact" do it and stop calling her and expecting her to behave the way YOU think she ought to.
If your son wants to call, let him. Let him arrange his own visits.
You can't have it both ways
remove all toxic people from your life.
as you say, she has your other sister to look after her, although it doesn’t sounds like Mom really needs it,
time for you and Hubby to move on with your lives.
like Ann Landers always said...”no one can treat you as a door mat if you don’t lay down for them”
How? Change your phone number for starters. if you see her or sis attempt contact...cut it off immediately without any communication. If you get mail...stamp it return to sender and send it back unopened. Implement “no contact”. That is how you remove someone from your life. If you think it would be easier...start by telling each and everyone of them...”lose my number” and then enforce it.
My advice to you...go on about your life with your husband and live with happiness and peace. You will not find that trying to be a part of her life. It is what it is. Do not continue to allow them to make you miserable. If she lies and tells tall tales about you and makes blatant lies about how you treat her...there is no reason to spend time with her. You are just giving her ammunition for her lies. She is abusing you and your husband both. There is no reason to stand for it. She has the "perfect" sister to take care of her...so you know what...then let her...let the perfect sister do everything and step back. You cannot do anything correctly in their opinions, so leave them to make all of the decisions and do all of the work from now on. Your efforts are not going to bring you any type of affirmation...these people do not care.
Get on with your life, be happy, healthy and pay your respects upon her passing.
You too have been able to instill in our minds what we both know but found too difficult to digest emotioanally.
Yes It is what is and it is emotioanal abuse and as I said to another member "I had to have 8 biopsies of the bowel on Tuesday and not once has any of my family called to say "How did you go".
My oldest brother and my younger sister care but when push comes to shove they will fence sit and end up supporting mum as she has the attitude I am the mother, I can say what I want.
Being 90 does not give anyone the right to throw their manners out of the window.
My beautiful hubby and I started with nothing and worked our butts off for what we have and want nothing from her when she leaves this earth.
Yes I will be leaving everything chore wise, meal wise, GP visits and so forth to my sister as her husband only goes along to Drs visits as it puts him out in the public eye.
In all the years my sister and he have been together not once has he mowed the grass, trimmed the trees, fixed the air con, and the list goes on that outlines what my amazing husband has done for her.
Well no more.
You are right Wuzzyblue.
These people simply do not care.
This may be one of those situations where you have to throw your hands up in the air and give up trying to resolve issues. Sorry, but I honestly don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel in this situation.
Best wishes to you. I hope you find peace and joy in your life. Take care.
Thank you for your support.
Yes I have been through hell and back and awaiting more execution to be honest.
As I said I have not been back nor called since last Saturday when my hubby and I went around to try and talk to her and it blew up in our faces.
We made the decision to call our son yesterday evening AEST as we are in Australia.
My amazing hubby had a chat with him and I think our son felt a bit compromised initially but as Dad explained. "We are not trying to compromise your relationship with Nan as we would never do that but we needed to make you aware of what was going on (He didnt go into too much detail) for fear of upsetting our son.
He explained to our son that everyday Dad would come home from work to me in tears and it had to stop and that so many lies were being made up about us abusing her etc.
I then got on the phone and had a chat and explained to him as well as to how cruel she was being and how we were struggling with coming to this position and I told him her 90th was coming up soon and if he felt he wanted to come visit or call her he has our blessing.
I said to him that I am just going to get some flowers and a card and drop them around the morning of her birthday and not stay as I know the other family will be there and they will again wind our mother up and I can feel it in my bones that I will get told to leave the house.
As I said. "I think things are going to get uglier before we come to terms with our decision"
Its been incredibly saddening but as another friend said yesterday.
"No normal mother treats her child like this"
I asked our son if she had made comments to him before about us/me and he very firmly said.
"She wont say anything to me".
He had said to me ages ago that she had made some remarks about me that he didnt like so perhaps being the assertive person he is like his parents he may well have pulled her up and not let on.
Thank you again everyone for your support.
As I said we dont feel guilty for staying away but feel incredibly sad and pained that she went crying to my brother who has been so verbally abusive toward her and they both backstabb everyone in the family to everyone and as I said to our son.
"We do not want to be involved in this toxic behaviour"
He said.
"Mum You be the better person and take the flowers around to Nans and then leave"
He felt that was the mature thing to do.
Thank you all so much.
I just found this site and it has been a huge help to me in giving us clarity in regards to my mother and "My Oh My" have things escalated since my last conversation but in saying that "The final blow has been struck. Just when we thought things could not get uglier they did but in saying that I spent an hour on the phone to my brother to whom we havent had contact with for over 3 years all because of the toxic much loved sister and her mother.
Which has given so much clarity to us all as to who the instigator in the mind games and vindictive behaviour and now we have made a pact to keep in touch and that has also given my youngest sister.(the one that had the breast cancer surgery) great comfort.
'https://thoughtcatalog.com/lily-low/2019/11/you-deserve-to-detach-yourself-from-the-toxicity-in-your-life/
This link is a truly thought provoking read to say the least
Cheers,
Pipsqueak.
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