I admitted my 89yo mother to a stand-alone, "award-winning" assisted living/memory care unit with trust and hope. At the urging of my family, and allowed by state regulations, I installed a camera. I like the location and facility, and appreciate how I've seen caregivers communicate with my mother. My mother, to my surprise, is rising to the challenge and beginning to acclimate. I want this situation to work for us.
However, within the first week, my camera caught a male visitor entering her room 2 nights in a row. On the second night, he touched her on her shoulder and toe, waking her up, and causing her to cry out. After the first night, choosing to take a soft approach, I reported what I saw verbally to the Executive Director and asked her to assure that the door was locking appropriately as staff members left the room. After the second night, I sent an email message to the ED, cc'd to the Administrative Manager, reporting what I saw in detail, and requested that she assure me that my mother would be safe and secure. I received no reply from either individual addressing the concern and when I arrived for my 3:30 appointment and was escorted to the room by a caregiver, we discovered that the door was unlocked with no one in the room. I talked with a care supervisor and learned that because her unit had been a "model," the door handle/lock was different than those on the other patient units and that their solution was to orient all the staff to the handle/locking mechanism. After some discussion, I was eventually told that the maintenance man was coming from another facility to change the lock. I remained until that was done.
Two days later, when I arrived and was escorted to the room, the door opened without a key. I had yet to receive a return email reply from the ED, or AM, to my first email message. So, I sent a very direct but tactful message requesting an automatically locking door and/or move to a unit in a hallway away from the visitor by day's end. This time, I cc'd the message to the Marketing and Sales Director, as well as the ED and AM, and requested a return reply. I received a reply within minutes from the ED indicating that the maintenance man would "look at it" that day. The maintenance man called me himself to say that he changed the lock to one that would lock automatically as caregivers leave the room, taking the "human factor" out of the equation. I feel satisfied with this solution but am very disappointed about communication regarding this concern.
I hate that I had to start my relationship with the administrative staff this way but also know that I would never forgive myself if I did not report safety concerns and something happened to my mother. I am a well-educated nurse with extensive background, including a bit of experience in geriatric, mental health, and locked units. I know good care when I see it and I have read all the state regulations about assisted living/memory care. I know that the care delivered to my mother will not be perfect but have already noted many indications that standards of care are not being met - especially on nights and weekends.
I do not wish to use the camera as a "gotcha" tool but as a tool for collaboration to my mother's benefit. As a caregiver myself, I understand that this camera can be off-putting. Please help me learn how to draw the line between attempting to "micro-manage" her care, and picking and choosing battles judiciously as her advocate. I'm also open to suggestions about how to best communicate my concerns when warranted.
Appreciate your input!
Request an immediate care meeting and ask why this lapse and lack of communication and followup should not be reported to the Ombudsman.
And to mom's lawyer.
I would not play nice.
It's bad enough that it happened twice - and thank goodness nothing bad happened to mom - but that you *politely* told them after the first time and they, in essence blew you off - multiple times!! - is not ok! You have every right to "micromanage" this, as it's a safety issue. It's not some complaint like the other residents are hogging the TV, or her laundry isn't being done the way she likes it, it's safety! Safety is never, ever a "micro" issue!
You shouldn't be upset that your relationship with administration began this way - now they are on notice that you're not an absentee child, that you are going to take an active part in caregiving, even though mom is in a facility, and you are going to advocate for her and her well being. That is nothing to apologize for, not to anyone here and CERTAINLY not to the administration of mom's facility!
You in no way, shape or form "crossed the line", so don't even feel that way.
Do it until your mother is treated correctly.
I am a retired teacher. Parents who were on top of things for their special needs kids got the got correct adherence to their IEPs.
Keep that nurse hat on. It is an asset.
Be. That. Daughter.
I am cheering you on from here!!!
I do know one of the complaints my bro had in his own VERY GOOD ALF in Palm Springs was that in an attempt to help people foot the bills and etc, sometimes people who really required memory care were kept in Assisted Living too long, and they could disrupt other patients as well as getting the care others might require. This could be happening at your own facility.
I hope that this will be the facility for you and you will find the care overall good. And that you will take your concerns to administration. They will let you know what they can do, and perhaps they will bump up your Mom's care level a bit higher (and unfortunately the price as well). Or they may tell you that they feel they cannot fulfill all of your expectations and feel you may be happier with another facility. I am hoping there are many to choose from where you live. I sure wish you the best. It is an adjustment and I had to laugh so hard when my brother (with his own VERY specific wants and needs and thoughts) said "Well, I think I am doing OK> It's a bit like when I was in the army. I didn't like it a whole lot, but I made the best of it".
To your point about the potential that we may be encouraged to find a facility that can provide a higher level of care: Mom is on hospice for her dementia and chronic renal failure (about midway through Stage IV). This is the facility that the hospice social worker recommended most strongly. The ED indicated that several of their residents were on hospice to end-of-life. Mom is still more capable of communication and mobility than several of the clients. So, cross fingers, we don't get evicted for other reasons! Meditate, meditate, meditate!!!
By the way, a funny you will appreciate: During the last couple of years, whenever she had a doctor's appointment, I would very carefully plan my approach to get her to clean up and change her clothes before leaving the house. But sometimes, she would flat-out refuse! I would tell her that I did not want her doctor to think that I was neglecting her. my Mom, also a nurse, would say, "I'll just tell him that I refused to change my clothes so he can document it and you'll be okay." :-)
Someone coming into her room is a safety issue.m for sure. My mom is in care and my son is in a group home. I’ve told them both, I am watching carefully to have their health and safety needs met, but I will speak my mind, and be kind and nice when I ‘complain. ‘
best of luck!
If you micro manage, you can also
back off. If you make a wrong assumption, you can say “ I’m sorry, your right and my only concern is my mother’s well being.
Before Covid, there would occasionally be a male aide or attendant on my LO’s floor, and they were typically decent men who had been thoroughly vetted by the facility.
I’m assuming that you had ample reason for your reaction but did you get a reasonable explanation too?
Keep reminding yourself that you are ensuring that your mom stays safe and healthy. You're doing a good job!
Wandering is very common, especially in MC. The man who entered your mom's room and touched her, may have thought that she was his wife. I'm sure it was frightening for your mom. When I came to visit my wife one day, she wasn't in her room and found her fast asleep in another person's room. Another time when I went to the closet to get some clothes out for my wife, as I opened the closet door, there stood Jimmy, one of the residents. Scared the livin' dickens out of me. I escorted him back to his room.
You brought your concerns to the staff early in your mom's residency, so they know now what standards they will be held to. I suggest that families don't over expect the care that a facility can deliver, but at the same time to express their concerns in a diplomatic, non confrontational way.
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