Elderly father is cared for by my sibling several hours away. I work FT and have children that reside in different states. I am not available to assist with his care on a regular basis. He is mentally intact and social but can no longer drive. My sibling is often upset and angry that I am not available to assist her. Approximately 1 year ago, I told my father and sibling to take my 1/2 of all estate money, house etc and use this money hire drivers, or caregivers in my absence.
Estate is divided equally between us.
It was well received until recently. Now they want to use my 1/2 to buy new home for them both live in together. Fine, as well, but now I’m expected to drive home on regular basis to do my share. My 1/2 now been used for a new house vs caregivers. Not sure how to address?
My Husband feels their decision to use my 1/2 money as they see fit, but need to abide by our agreement.
As for the family dynamics, unfortunately I don't think there are any easy answers there.
You should do what you want. They have made their decision. They don’t get to decide for you. You should help when you want to help. Do it on your terms. You all have to think in terms of what is best for all of you. I personally don’t believe it’s in everyone’s best interest if it takes multiple family members have to take care of ONE elder.
Your father clearly has assets and money to pay for in-home services and transportation. That your sibling chooses to be his primary caregiver is exactly that: a choice. Your sister's choices do not obligate you to change your choices.
If your father chooses to buy a house with your sister, that's his choice. It's his money and he can spend it how he chooses. And again, his choice does not obligate you to change yours.
Regardless of the inheritance, your father needs to spend his money on caring for himself. He also needs to put his important paperwork together including Durable Power of Attorney both medical and financial in case he becomes unable to make his own decisions either temporarily or permanently.
Your sister's expectations are unrealistic. I suspect it comes from a place of her feeling burned out from caregiving. Perhaps she did not recognize how much caregiving your father actually needs. But her solution - to buy a house and live with him - will not work unless your father pays for lots of in-home help. His needs are only going to increase.
Your father may be mentally intact now, and I certainly hope he remains that way, but you and your sibling have no crystal ball as to his future health or needs. You both may be blindsided by what he ends up needing and your sibling may find he/she can not continue to care for him and need assisted living or skilled nursing. I would suggest you all consult an elder care attorney and put the brakes on buying a new home with your father's assets. You could be seriously complicating things while agreeing to fund a new home for your sibling with your father's assets.
It sounds like sister is already burned out. Many a caretaker has good intentions until they realize they just aren’t able to provide the care on their own and that the price of care will exceed the elders savings.
Obviously if he needs care then it must be paid for and ALL of his money will need to be earmarked for that care and the portion spent needs to be well documented.
There is no need to be angry.
Your position on saying dad should pay for his own care is correct. I would stick with that. If she’s already made a mess of his finances, then the lawyer is even more important.
Does your dad live with your sibling yet? This will only get worse down the road when they do live together if they aren't already.
If possible try to stop your sibling from using dad's proceeds from HIS home to purchase another home for the sibling to share. Your initial decision, that proceeds should go for his care in assisted living was the correct one imo. In fact I think you should talk to your father about this and encourage assisted living.
I gather from her posts that this agreement, put in writing, "freed" Dad to to use that money for his caregiving needs NOW. Some elderly parents need a nudge to let go of the idea of passing their money and possessions to their children. The OP was just trying to make up for the fact that she can't be with Dad regularly.
I would make it very clear that dad can do whatever he wants and so can your sibling, as long as it doesn't include sucking you into their plans.
How convenient for your sibling to get everything dad has left in writing and then run off leaving you to deal with him.
I would be very clear that you WILL NOT be participating in this bad idea and that you are willing to go no contact if you are pushed and prodded in any attempt to manipulate you.
Can you have a private meeting with dad and encourage him to find and move into a retirement community? If he doesn't need much help and he is social, this would be a great way for him to have a life and let his adult children have their own lives. Hire an aid for the things he needs and let him do his thing with his peers in the community.
Make your mantras with your sibling "I can not possibly do that!" and "Not happening!"
Best of luck standing your ground no matter where they go to manipulate you. You are not obligated to support their bad choices.
Your husband is 100% spot on. He is obviously willing to support you, use it. If need be he can tell sibling to leave you be, there is an agreement and that is that.
But the sibling should be aware that care giving needs expand as the elder ages. And the sibling may end up needing outside help, or the father may need AL or a nursing home. Then the father's wealth is tied up in a piece of real estate that provides no liquidity for care. Sibling should be aware of the potential downside of the proposed arrangement before proceeding.
And you should reinforce that you cannot be available for hands on care in the future if things change or extra funds if they are needed for AL/nursing home.
But, you have agreed to give up your inheritance so she could get help. Did they need another house? I think you have done enough. Its not even logical to think that living as far away as you do, that you can help out.
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