I read that you need to communicate differently with people who have dementia. So after angering her by trying to reason, explain, etc., I tried two different things.
One: I say “yes” or “yeah” in response to what she says. Her response? (angry) “how to you know that?”
Two: I moved to saying “uhhuh” and her response? "You think you are so smart, you are putting me down"… more anger.
What do I do? Thanks.
Yeah, constantly walking on eggshells has to be exhausting! BootShop's suggestion to watch Teepa Snow on youtube is a good one, her insight is amazing, but putting her advice into practice is another story. The suggestion of medication to alter her mood is also a good one. Being cranky, miserable and confused is hard on her as well as you, an antidepressant might help stabilize her and improve her QOL.
The point is to enter their reality and try to find a response that fits. Mom: "Remember that time I had tea with the President?" Laurie: "No, I'm sorry I don't. Tell me about it".
At the bottom of this page in the blue box poke Alzhimers Care. This has some helpful information. I try to remember the word ARE stands for never argue, reason or explain to the dementia person. When they say you will not win they are right! There are Tepa Snow videos "the dementia whisper" lady. All nice to watch but when mom is driving you crazy it feels like you can't possibly do this any longer! My mom argued and was irritated a lot. Then she fell and ended up in a geriatric psych. Hospital where she was given depression meds and depakote. Things are much better now with medicine. Sometimes I think it just takes that. I don't lie to her because she is in the stage in the middle where she will remember what is true maybe later. My sister came to visit and my mom said she grew up in Houston while watching the hurricane news. Um nope mom...Kansas. But my sister just said "lots of storms down there". The moment passed but if I would have said that it would not work ha ha! I think they look to us and read our face because we are the people that care for them and they trust us. Other people on here will have a better answer than me but just know you are so not alone in this! CWillie is right. Usually you just have to go to their world!
Using the fridge as an example: I told her it is working; my brother went over and said the same. So did my husband. She told both of them that I dont want her to have a new one! What? I dont care! She refuses all kinds of help. Every single helper that has come in has been bad. Every cleaner doesnt get anything done.
If its not one thing, it is another. So deflecting does nothing because she is "on to something else" in a second. It is like an ongoing monologue. I feel so guilty writing this, but I am drained, exhausted and though I know it is not "her" (and never was "her"), I am still drained and exhausted.
As for doctors, my brother has POA. She will only go with him and he is burned out and not taking her to doctor often. She does cancel alot. She is on Ativan, but they dont like her being on it. She refused anti-depressants. Things are dysfunctional and my brother will not communicate with me about her doctor visits or anything else. I do send him information that I feel is important .. very rarely ... once or twice a year, and no response. (example a hallucination she had). He saw her having a complete meltdown in hospital with delusioins about him and a nurse, and he remains in denial.
No diagnosis, but doctor first said she is cognitively impaired. then said to brother that she has Sundowners. Finally, I said to him, Sundowners is about cognitive problems (I dont use the word dementia not to anger him) and he said "oh the doctor took the diagnosis back).
I dont know. Maybe it is me and I am just not suited to this. I have been going at this for over ten years. First heart disease (so she is very limited and very ill) and then dementia. Many hospitalizations, falls, crises.
So sorry for ranting, but I am heartbroken and grieving. We do not want to put her in a nursing home, cannot affored assisted living, and, anyway, I dont think we could/should put her anywhere against her will.
I am trying to be a good daughter. I am trying to help, but ... nothing is right.
Once in a while, she is "back" and she realizes and she apologizes. I say "it's okay", I know you are suffering". Then she is back to being ill.
I know, despite all of this, that I love her and that she always loved me and if she knew that she was behaving in this way towards me and other people, she would be very upset.
My DH is starting to see people in the house all the time. Instead of arguing, I sat down with him and assured him these other people will not hurt him.
From my researching online, I know he will also start seeing people from the past who have already passed on. I told him, they will not hurt him either. I am fully expecting him to start seeing brothers and sisters who passed and most likely his parents. My goal is to keep him from being afraid.
At night he only knows me as the lady who takes care of him. During the day he knows I am his wife of 32 years. It doesn't matter in the long run - I am keeping him calm and settled.
Instead of your standard answers, try something like, "I think that is a wonderful idea! You are so clever!!"
Dementia doesn't take away the need to be appreciated and flattered. I tell my DH daily how good looking he is! He sucks it up like a sponge!
I told DH's son - sure, I yell back at him. He doesn't remember and I don't hold it in - better for both of us.
Example: the refrigerator is not working.
I have tried to explain that it IS working but she thinks I dont want her to have a new one.
She is complaining and angry non-stop about everything and almost everyone, and I am exhausted. I know I cannot reason with her or try to fix anything.
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