I read that you need to communicate differently with people who have dementia. So after angering her by trying to reason, explain, etc., I tried two different things.
One: I say “yes” or “yeah” in response to what she says. Her response? (angry) “how to you know that?”
Two: I moved to saying “uhhuh” and her response? "You think you are so smart, you are putting me down"… more anger.
What do I do? Thanks.
There probably is no "one size fits all" solution, but as you have become painfully aware, explaining and arguing really do not work.
Short term memory is usually what goes first, so retaining any new information is not going to happen - so much for the explanation attempts.
Whatever the issue is that has popped into her head cannot be argued away. Trying to argue or reason with our mother, I could see it when brother tried - she would clam up (not really a bad thing, stops the yammering about the broken fridge or whatever!)
The responses/actions all depend on what the issue is and how important it is to your mom. You know your mom better than we ever could. Try various methods and see what works. Only she knows, but she cannot work that out. Using the fridge example, as several have suggested, pretend to listen or check it out, and then say yes I will have to call the repair man (or your brother if he is usually the fix-it guru) - walk off to check the phone book or "make" the call and then tell her it is scheduled. It will likely come up again, so repeat... Now that's done mom, how about a nice hot cup of tea! If she veers off onto another issue, get her a pad of paper and a pencil and have her make a "To Do" list for you, things for you to check on and/or fix! Then go do it and cross off each item when it is "done".
Another thing to be aware of is sun-downers. I think you said the doctor mentioned this. Typically the behaviors your mom shows with this will occur later afternoon and/or evening. She can become very obsessed with things and even OCD. I have read some people even become nasty, but in the morning, peachy sweet! If these obsessive behaviors are only occurring later in the day, this may be why. Of course she may be like this all day, and who knows perhaps some people ARE afflicted with this (S-D) all day or different times of the day, not just afternoon/evening. Read up on this topic, see if any relates to mom and if so read suggestions for softening the blow of this behavior (more lighting, possibly medications, etc).
Although the doctors cannot discuss a lot with you if you are not on the Hippa, that does not mean you cannot bring her there for appts. You say she cancels - does she *really*? Mom would SAY she was going to cancel, write it on the calendar and/or the reminder, but she would never actually make the call. On my way to get her I would have to call the Dr office and say IF she does call, DO NOT cancel!! One time it took my brother 45 m to get her out the door - every excuse in the book was used. I even tried calling her to give her good reason why she needed to go (you NEED refill of Rx and cannot get it unless they see you!!!) Still took another 20 m. :-(
As for DPOA and Hippa, sounds like mom is really too far gone to have her reassign (revoke bro, assign you, even she would even agree to it). She must be, in the atty's opinion, cognitively aware of what she would be signing. If anything needs to change (sounds like it does) you will need to petition the courts for guardianship (gives you authorization to make decisions for her) and stewardship (gives you basically POA over her financial affairs). You would need an Elder Care atty to process this correctly - it won't be cheap or easy, but more than likely, if mom has funds, the costs would be covered by her (if you need to kick in some money to get the process rolling, you should be able to petition for refund.) Also the courts require periodically reporting back to them, unlike a DPOA :-(
Anyway, it might just have to be trial and error with responses to mom until you find what works or *sigh* determine that it is because you are the care-giver (this happens all too often as well). Hope you find the magic touch/words!
One day my Mother-in-Law with dementia had to go in to the doctors office for lab work. She was fine when we left, but when we brought her home she was agitated for some time. I wasn't sure why she had become agitated after bringing her home. However, shortly thereafter I realized from her comments that she thought she was still in the waiting room at the doctors office! She was angry because she didn't understand why she was being held there, and not able to go home!
The diversion tactic I tried didn't work, which was this: Walking over to a table I pointed out her family photos and said, "Look, you're right here at home! Here's the photos of your son, your daughter and your other loved ones!" but she was so quick-witted and in a humorous way as she responded, "Oh come on, anyone can place photos somewhere!" and she didn't believe me that she was at home! Lol - I thought the photo diversion was going to be brilliant - lol - wrong!
But then, she needed to use the restroom. She had to ask where to find her bathroom, so I directed her down the hall. After she came out of the bathroom she had snapped back into the reality that she was indeed in her own home, and happier again! :-)
So if a conversational diversion doesn't work, try getting them to go into another room. :-) Lol - it may add a bit of humor to the challenge.