I’m 54. My father is 94 and my mother is 92. I’m married and live nearby. Thankfully, they have in-home care, but I briefly swing by most afternoons for about an hour and a half or so, as I handle their grocery shopping, picking up prescriptions, paying their bills, etc…
I have always had a very close relationship with both of them. My mother is difficult, but she loves me dearly, and I love both of them dearly…
I only have one older sister, but she moved out of state last year to follow her kids and grandkids, which made a very difficult situation even so much harder on me, and left me feeling abandoned, overwhelmed, and angry at her for leaving me “holding the bag”, so to speak. But I’ve come to accept her moving away, and we are on good terms now. I’m no longer angry at her, but it still hurts that she left me all alone to take care of two elderly parents, especially knowing the mental and emotional effects it is having on me. Just so she could follow her grandchildren to Florida (I live in Connecticut). She moved a year and a half ago, and has never been back to visit. I asked her, “are you ever going to see them in this life again?” and she gets annoyed and won’t give me a straight answer, which I think is absolutely horrid…
I try to carry on with my life as normal as possible, but I basically feel heartbroken, alone, and scared every day. I cry a lot because it’s so unbearable for me to witness two formerly strong, independent loving parents be reduced to this… a shell of who they were. Obviously they’re up there in age, and it’s the “cycle of life”, but the fear of their passing consumes my life. Every day, I fear getting that phone call. I can’t imagine my life without either of them, and especially my father, since I was always “Daddy’s Girl.” As a kid, I had actual nightmares about losing them, but they were only in their 50’s back then, so it was a long way off, and I could shove it in the back of my mind and forget about it. But now that they are both in their 90’s, their passing is staring me in the face, and it terrifies me…
I work part time in the mornings, and I find it helpful, mentally, to be around other people in that setting. But if I had even one supportive person in my life, it would help a lot. But my sister and my cousin, who I am close with, they both live out of state now, as do my two closest friends. Phone calls are good, but certainly not the same as having a close relative or friend living nearby. Making matters worse, I have a difficult marriage with a man who lacks empathy, so I can’t lean on him, either. I joined a women’s group at church, and they are very nice, but they all have kids, and I don’t, so I find it hard to connect with them because that’s all they seem to talk about is their kids…
And to top it all off, I have two cats, one which is in the early stage of kidney disease. My cats are essentially my kids, and so now add the heartache and fear of losing him, in addition to losing my parents…
I am just so tired of living like this, feeling sad, alone, and scared every day. But there’s nobody nearby for me to turn to for support and comfort. I am NOT suicidal, but every day, I wish God would take me, because my heart hurts so, so much, there’s no relief in sight, and it’s only going to get worse as they continue to decline. Yes, there will be a certain sense of relief when they pass, because the ordeal will be over for all of us, and I know they will be with God, and I will join them one day. Yet I will be devastated, and I fear that I won’t be able to handle it, even though I am a person of faith in God. But I’ve yet to experience the passing of a close loved one, and the thought of it terrifies me…
Given the absolute insanity across the globe nowadays, perhaps the Second Coming of Christ is around the corner! I can only hope, as that would be my only viable means of rescue, LOL…
I know there are no easy answers to any of this. Just wanted to vent. And to find out if anyone can relate.
If you had no immediate obligations or limitations, what would you like to be doing or learning or participating in? Look for opportunities to try some of those things. No one will come knocking on your door to make suggestions, so you will need to take the initiative to look for interesting things to do.
You need to have interests and involvements of your own so you can be less dependent on your relationship with your parents.
All I can say is remember they love you and you love them. Get away from it as often as you can. You will really need it believe me.
I pray for you. This is the hardest thing you will do in your life. All the best.
Most everyone on this forum understands different segments of your post. It is very sad to see parents decline, but doing so without the emotional or the physical support of others makes it feel unbearable at times. You have a lot of other “stuff” on your plate as well.
Like many others have suggested,PLEASE seek out counseling ASAP. The counselor will help you deal with the grief that you are already experiencing, deal with past issues that you are hanging on to, and help you with setting goals and planning ways that YOU can continue to make the world a better place. Best wishes to you.
Try not to let the anticipatory grief that you're experiencing steal your joy. One thing that has helped me as I care for my 95 yo mother, is to think about the things that I want to do when this season has ended. I want to travel, and have lunch with friends, and get back to hobbies and building my little personal training business.
The thing that I've noted in your post is that you have not yet experienced the death of a loved one. That's such a blessing at the age of 54!
I was 31 when I witnessed my beloved grandmother cross over to heaven and it was a sweet homegoing for her at the age of 93. Then I was 45 when I held the hands of my darling father as he went to heaven. Again at 50 I was with my aunt as she departed.
And then at the age of 60 - in 2019 - I was the only one with my beloved twin brother as he crossed over to be with The Lord.
It's a sad, sad road but The Lord stood by me and gave me strength. (2 Timothy 4:17).
My best advice to you is to trust that when the time comes to say goodbye to your mother and father, The Lord will do the same for you.
We're not dying out - we're stepping heavenward! His Grace is sufficient to carry you through. Rest in that.
I am an only child with a 91.5 year old mom. She lives in AL, doesn’t like the food, has Parkinson’s, and pretty much only wants my company. It is tough to watch my mom age. The mom I have isn’t the mom I had.
Take it a day at a time.
I recently started therapy and it has helped me come to terms with some of what you are feeling.
This also helped me: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregiver-fix-it-mentality-leads-to-burnout-152629.htm
I read it from time to time to remind myself I “can’t fix old.” I need to accept what is, live the life I have, and recognize everyone has “something”—and you will be okay.
So sorry you’re feeling down. But, know that “ only you” can give all of this dire negativity a new perspective. It begins by changing your thought process. Seems to me you’re fighting against the inevitable.
We all have emotions but, our emotions can build us up or literally destroy us. Unless we accept the
“ what is” also the “ here and now.” Then make peace with it!
Figuratively speaking, look it dead in the eye and say I dislike what I’m seeing and experiencing but, I will not be defeated and this does not define ”who I am “ you’re faith must be allowed to work! Don’t allow emotions to keep you depressed and down.
Yes, death is inevitable. Make peace with that! Every living breathing Being on God’s green Earth has a beginning and an end. Acceptance of that is half the battle and moving forward completes the battle( the moving forward journey may be long and tedious and expect that it will). We can’t prepare for death physically because it will come when God says so but, mentally we can (by accepting that it is inevitable).
I mean isn’t that why we have wills and leave burial instructions with our families?
Finally I’d like to say to you to enjoy and cherish spending their final days with them. Find something that can bring some joy( give them each a rose and you both smell its essence together) put some polish on moms nails, etc… and just talk to them about your love for them or the
“ remember when times” you talk whether the respond or not!!
I’m so appreciative that I was there when my dad died. I layed my head on his chest while he took his last breath, I cried a river of tears and I told him will meet again daddy some sweet day!
In the natural order of things where children bury their parents, I kinda see it like this, my parents got to see my 1st breath and I get to embrace their last breath.
Find your peace, it will sustain you!
Hugs💕
I understand your sister’s desire to move near her children and be a part of their lives. Let her enjoy her life without resentment. You too, have a life to live and deserve to be happy. Please continue to be with other people for emotional respite and to help you nurture skills needed for a balanced outlook. Sounds like you’re swallowed up by sadness. You can climb out. Hugs to you.
Many of us are in your shoes, also literally waiting for the shoe to drop. It's like walking on eggshells because each day is a decline as they get up in age.
A few resources that may help you that I refer to:
*Teepa Snow has a Caregiver Book that gives some consolation about the end chapter of a loved one's life. She is an Occupational Therapist and her videos are on YouTube. I think she is a wealth of information.
I agree with you to see people age and you remember them as they once were in their previous life they were different people. My mother's father was a cop and my mother was so street smart and solved every crime show on tv. Now she has Lewy Body Dementia. This morning I will take her to her "Tuesday Mornings' With Dementia Friends" for a 4 (hour) respite--speech and physical therapy.
Everyone there has this impressive previous life but now they all shuffle along.
You mentioned you live in Connecticut. I, too, am wondering how am I going to handle this when it's their "time". I believe in Heaven and have a lot of faith but still it's hard to accept.
There are many retreat centers in Connecticut that are open to ALL denominations. A lot of them offer one-day three-day retreats on Grief or really many other topics too.
Maybe a weekend away that specializes in this type of thing. Some place where you can rest for 3 days, sit and have meals together and pray. You will always have these places to return to for a "tune-up" and companionship.
For example, there are two retreat centers in Farmington, Ct. also Cormaria on Long Island and Enders Island in Mystic Ct. All of them offer consolation retreats on Grief in the loss of a loved one.
I picked up a book at the library recently, I am going to read it "before" I need it.
"Surviving The Holidays Without You" Navigating Grief During Special Seasons by Gary Roe.
If you make small changes now, baby steps, and don't look to the people that can't give you what you need and are looking for.
Personally, after my mother passes, I don't want to be the woman in the supermarket that shows people a picture of my cat. I don't have one but I think you know what I mean.
I know it's hard but sometimes I have a difficult time accepting other people's decision-making when it comes to "our" parents. Dad passed many years ago. He always called me and my sister "Princess". My brothers are busy travelling the world and don't help out they way I wish they would.
Do for yourself, don't keep knocking on the door that isn't opening, and find yourself a support group/caregivers and more importantly a group to meet for coffee. Invite people over for coffee, I have yet to have anyone refuse.
You sound like a wonderful person who shows up and pitches in. You will always look around to help others because that's how you are wired. You probably can't fathom how someone else couldn't deliver the goods the way you automatically do.
You are in my prayers...
That sounds like a mighty fine job you’re doing there and you should be proud of who you are and the difference you have made in your parents lives. You have nothing to regret and can close your eyes and know in your heart you have done your best . They have done it for you and you grew up loving them and that is why you are YOU.
So I have this to say in the parallel of my life .. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing my parents, yet that time came and I was saddened, but it gave me strength to know … I was there . I fulfilled their needs and I did for them the best I could . I watched them close their eyes and carried out their request. Damn it was tiring and God doesn’t sleep . He slammed me with a sick husband and I’m back in the boat with the same oar .
But I’ve come to realize.. planning and taking care of myself was a factor in all of this .
You can go away and take a break .
That little extra on the side that your sister should be getting.. well it’s time to utilize it to your advantage. Make sure your parents have someone to take of them and take a mini vacay.
Rent a hotel room for a weekend with the kids and enjoy it … Live your life .. your sister left you with the bag .
My dear I am not a vindictive person or revengeful.. but I do know in the end she will be back for the only bag your parents left .
So I say to you empty the bag .. pay for the help to help you . Don’t squeeze the life out of you and your family .
You have been doing a wonderful job loving and caring for your parents! I agree that it seems cold and heartless to just abandon your parents, never visiting or calling because it’s hard or inconvenient. That’s her choice and she will need to live with the consequences of that decision.
In the meantime, I agree that all of this responsibility is falling squarely on your shoulders and it’s 100% overwhelming not to have any support!
Agree with others about a therapist. Also will be great if you can find a caregiver support group that meets online or offline (I’m looking for one too). I’m also wondering if they will benefit from AL? That would provide them more support and socialization that they’re missing now and would lift some of the responsibility off of you.
I can relate to your story. I’m living with my parents now because my mother’s disability has gotten so severe. My condo is there waiting for me and I miss it. My brother is married with a teenage daughter at home - he calls and visits which is better than nothing but I also feel that the weight of this is on me. My father is so burnt out on caregiving my Mom and after 3 months living here, so am I. She needs a SNF but they are putting it off. It’s a difficult situation. I just started remote therapy and it’s helping so far. One of the most difficult parts of this situation for me is I don’t know when the finish line is - it makes it difficult to bear the intensity.
I am sending you lots of love, support and encouragement! I am hearing the need for more support for both you and your parents and I hope that comes to pass. Hang in there!
You put your life on hold to help out with your mother. If your brother started to help out more, would that allow you to go back to your condo? I'm betting no. Caring for your mother has gotten to be too much for untrained caregivers and you recognize that but for some reason your parents refuse to take action. Is that fair to you?
You can't fill their boredom and loneliness, it's a bottom pit and you're falling into it. It takes all your joy and happiness and give it to them temporarily, and leaves you empty.
You need to come to term with the fact that they will be bored and have no joy in their lives because they are old and tired and can't do anything anymore. Accept this.
It's not your fault and you can't fix that. Accept this, too.
You are carrying their burden and it's sucking the life out of you. Stop it.
Look on the bright side, be content that you can bring them some happiness when you visit. At least they are not lonely, they have each other.
I agree with others that you really need to talk to a well trained therapist. You can't expect your sister and husband or any untrained person to be a receptacle for your extreme emotional baggage day after day. Most people can only take so much before they shut down.
You mentioned you were the Daddy's Girl. I was too! But I am the only daughter. In your case, with two daughters... were you maybe their 'favorite'? I don't mean that as in they treated you like a princess and treated sister like Cinderella. More like different expectations for you. From what you're describing here, it sounds like maybe you were expected all along to be the main caretaker?
I know you can't imagine life without your parents. Neither can I. But I almost lost my mom last year (esophageal bleed and she almost died on the operating table), both my parents will be 80 next year... and the reality is setting in that one day this will happen. Aside from preparing the basics-- their funeral wishes, legal stuff, etc.-- I don't think I will know how to handle it when it actually happens. I don't think it's something anyone can really prepare for.
Maybe what's feeding your fear is who YOU will be after their deaths. Right now your job, identity, whatever you wish to call it... is wrapped up in your parents. Once they're gone, it's like your identity is gone with them. Who will you be then? What will your purpose be? What will you do every day? Who are you, indeed?
I totally sympathize with your cat's issues; when my previous cat died it about sent me over the edge. I am married but no kids, and I also relate to women's groups mainly talking about their kids and little else. Gets old quickly.
You also seem to be the 'glue' holding your parents together. You're their emotional support when you don't need to be. They have each other. Yes it's sad to watch the decline, but you can't do anything to stop that. Re-asses it when one parent passes. Once that happens, the remaining parent will need the real emotional support.
As for your husband, I don't know. He may be an unsupportive jerk, or he may resent you giving your all for your parents. He might feel he's second place in your life. When you two got married, you promised to put each other first. Yes your folks need help, but it appears maybe you've reverted in a sense... as much as you may want to recapture the 'old days' when your parents were vibrant and you were the apple of Dad's eye... you know it's not possible. Are you scrambling to re-create those years, in whatever means you can do it? That if you are there every day, it will somehow help them hold on to their own lives?
Therapy can help you peel those layers back and find who your truly are underneath.
i agree, it would be nice if your sister came up once in awhile for respite care but when people are out of the picture they don't have to see the reality of your every day or your parents.
i have an older sister two hours away who comes ever few months for a visit and she allows mw to vent.
my younger sister doesn't help and last time she “Visited” she had a complete meltdown towards her daughter in my Moms room.
I haven't spoken with her since.
you have a huge responsibility and you have to keep any added stressors out of your life. One bit of advice I need to give you is that you need to cut down on daily visits. I had to do this when both my parents were in assisted living because they were extremely ill. At one time both were in Hospice.
dad died but Mom is stable but bedridden. I go every other day and hired a companion for two hours twice a week. She loves it and I don't go in on those days.
i hope this advice was helpful, I tend to ramble
Have you ever thought that the burden of your neediness might be one reason why your sister stays away? I would suggest that if you're as wound up, scared, and crying as you say you are, then a therapist's office would be the place to unpack all this anxiety.
It's not really fair to expect your sister to fix all that for you. If you've been having this dread of your parents' deaths since you were a child, then clearly your issues are not related to your sister moving to Florida.
Get therapy to help you learn to accept the realities of life. Don't rely on non-professionals to unravel all that's going on in your head. It's better to unload on a professional who can help you move forward rather than dump your woes on someone who's carrying their own load. That's neither kind nor fair.
As one who has buried 3 family members and attended more family funerals, death can happen at any time or age. You are NEVER prepared even when imminent. I thought that it would hurt less, it does not. What you hold on to is the love and the memories. Helps some. As well as knowing as a Christian, that death is not the end.
You get through it but not over it.
I am sorry for the lack of support you are going through.
Do you have health insurance from your employment or through your husband's?
I enrolled in a program called AbleTo. It is an online program where you are connected with a therapist and a life coach. You are called once a week from each for 8 weeks. The sessions are an hour long. You get tips and tools for assessing your mood, self care, etc...paid for health insurance companies. Online therapy became more apparent in the pandemic.
AbleTo | Pioneering High-Quality Virtual Behavioral Health Care
This may be helpful in giving you the support you need for a while. It gave me something to look forward to knowing someone would be calling to ask how I was and trying to help.
Journaling for me also helped in getting out my feelings when no one listens.
Whatever you need for self care that's healthy, do it.
You sound like a loving daughter, love on yourself just as fiercely.
I'm not trying to be snarky here, I think you need someone to help you examine WHY you are so terrified of losing you parents?
I know that seems like a silly question - "because they're my parents!!" But you say you have had various feelings of dread and fear about losing them for many, many years. Yet you say you have never experienced the passing of a loved one. Did your grandparents die before you were born - or while you were young enough to not remember?
I, unfortunately, have lost multiple loved ones. For myself, anyway, their imminent deaths hanging over my head was, in many ways, worse than the actual death itself. Because once it happened, it happened, and then I grieved and got through to the other side. But waiting, and wondering, and fretting, to me, was actually more draining emotionally than the grieving was. There is also way more support for someone who has experienced the death of a loved one, than for someone who is *waiting* for the death of a loved one. You might find your sister and your husband much more supportive once your parents actually do pass away; right now, they are probably unsure of how to even approach you and the anticipatory grief you seem to be experiencing.
But there is a part of your post that is concerning, and that is the suicidal ideations: "I wish God would take me"; "the Second Coming is my only viable means of rescue". Adding "LOL" at the end of your statements doesn't make them less concerning. So, while I am glad you are planning on seeking therapy, I would hope you would do that much sooner than later. I have a sneaking suspicion there is more going on in your life than "anticipatory grief", and I hope a good therapist can help you 1) identify it and 2) guide you through it.
Good luck!
I limit the number of days per week that I go over there, I limit the time spent at each visit, and I limit the daily phone calls. My parents are very emotionally needy, and the situation had gotten completely out of hand. But I knew that I had to start setting firm boundaries, ASAP, because my very survival literally depends on it.
When my sister first moved, I was very angry at her. But over the past 6 months or so, most of the anger has dissipated, and I no longer say anything to her about it. It’s actually a tremendous relief to no longer be so angry. All I really feel now is overwhelming SADNESS.
I no longer confide in my sister or my husband because they simply cannot understand, and not even from a lack of trying. They simply cannot. So it’s pointless to keep trying, and it felt like I was beating my head against a stone wall every time I tried.
I think you struggle with the fact that you are in an unhappy situation and your sister seems to be living the life that she wants to live. You say you struggle with the idea that adult children are not obligated to their parents. If that is how you feel, there is nothing wrong with that. However, you can't project that belief onto others and expect them to live their lives according to your rules.
Your sister has her life to live and so do you. It is not your place to question her choices. I think you need to look at your choices. You feel abandoned by your sister and friends. Did you really expect them to stay in the same place and put their lives on hold just so you would feel supported? I really think this is more about her leaving YOU and not so much your parents. It would be nice if she could manage a trip up to see everyone, but how would that visit go? Would everyone be happy to see her or would they spend the bulk of their time dropping guilt trips on her for moving away to be near her children and grandchildren? So now do you see why she isn't visiting? This is why she isn't a presence in their lives.
I also don't think you get to decide that her relationship with her parents is so much more important than that with her grandchildren. And you are not left 'holding the bag'. You do not provide hands on care that require you to never leave your parents. You are there mostly on your terms. Yes, you are left with having to listen to them asking why she is not there.
I feel this is more about your hurt that she left you and not so much that you need her help caring for your parents.
I actually don’t mind the once a week grocery shopping, picking up prescriptions, and monthly paying the bills, and other miscellaneous things that come up, from time to time. For me, it really isn’t a bother. I go there 5 afternoons a week for about an hour and a half, mainly to provide them with a bit of conversation and companionship. They’re very lonely. Both sides of their family are all gone. So they enjoy reminiscing with me about the good old days, when everyone was young, healthy, alive, and present. Or they like to hear about my work day, what I’m up to, etc. It helps break up the monotony of being house bound and watching TV all day long. So it’s true that I don’t really need to go over there 5 afternoons a week. But I do it because I feel so bad for them, knowing how lonely and bored they are. Of course, it would be great if I had siblings who would be willing to help lighten the load and share the burden, in that regard…