I am looking at a forty one year relationship coming to an end, and realizing I really have never been alone in my life with a childhood family, and several relationships, and then a long term marriage. The thought of him being gone and being alone is the most difficult part of everything. To add another layer to my boat, my husband did absolutely everything for me all this time, so I don't know how to do much. We are also such major opposites so I feel bad knowing I'll have my own, so to speak. I do have a Twenty nine year old daughter who lives at home, and a nine year old grandson who I see a lot. I know I'm not supposed to make any major decisions for awhile but it's hard not to think about her leaving, too, someday. The time when my grandson finally loses interest in seeing 'gramma' so much. I know I'll need to force myself to find friends/ interests. I have my pets. I have friends in a different area but we're all old now. I thought about talking to my doctor about medication as I'm getting increasingly stressed out, but am not crazy about taking something I may become dependent on. Any suggestions/tips? So sorry to vent so much.
You will need to take on day at a time. One thing at a time.
I hope there might be a widows support group in your area, but they are rare and hard to find. I hope your daughter will be supportive in teaching you how it is all done in managing for yourself, because that's what you will have to do. There is so much to learn, even starting with getting your widows benefits from Social Security (if your husband's is higher amount than yours you have the option of claiming that amount.
You will need a good teacher now, and your husband may actually like doing that with you and for you now he is leaving you. It is hard to have nothing to concentrate on other than your own demise. Your daughter will help. It will be one day at a time, and you will have time.
I don't know if you are a believer; I myself am not, but in my experience in life Faith Communities often have good support. There are many things to explore when you are ready. In my own are libraries have many programs.
Consider reaching out to a Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice; they are great at helping the emotional and REALITY based needs of life transitions.
You are correct that your daughter should/will and your grandson should/will be going to lives of their own. That doesn't mean they won't be in contact with you.
This is one of the hardest transitions in any life. You message is a gift to others in knowing they should now learn the basics of finances 101. But you will be learning it, and you will be able to help others learn it. When I became POA and Trustee of Trust for my brother after his diagnosis with Lewy's I was anxious as the cat on the hot tin roof. But I learned a lot, and I was proud of myself. Look on this learning (with the help of a good attorney) as a gift as it will keep you occupied.
Begin now to get everything in both your names (car title, any subscriptions, all bills) so that is done.
I am so sorry about this coming loss. Don't try to think about each day ahead, but approach this all one day at a time. Talk together with your husband about his wishes and needs, whether treatment, palliative care, or hospice. It will be honest sharing and grief, but also joyful memories.
Again, I am so sorry. Glad you have come to forum and hope you will stay and share with us.
The loss of a spouse is unique and major. But you have him now. Let him know you love him, say all you want/need to say. If his time is coming, let him leave with love and you can have happy memories and few regrets. Honestly, I never thought I would survive after losing my husband, but things become a "cliche" for a reason-so there is some truth in the fact that time changes things. I miss my husband daily, but the loss has become easier to carry than the extreme grief in the beginning. It is integrated into my life and who I am now. You will find friends and support and a life whether you look for it or not. You will find interests and meet new people in unexpected ways. You will come through and you will be okay. And in the beginning, a support group helped me very much and I made new friends there as well.
I think it took a lot of strength to be vulnerable and state your fears here. It is the first step forward. Right now just be in the moment, be with your loved ones and the rest will take care of itself. Also, feel free to PM me anytime. I wish you the best.
Not sure why you are saying this is not good time to make any changes.
I think, concentrating on your life right now is as important as taking care of your husband.
Yes, you are right about daughter and grandson, they cannot become your main focus.
It is time to establish who you are as person, what interest you, what you want from life.
Some say we are already grieving even if person is not dying, more as if grieving relationship and life together.
Maybe therapy for anticipatory grief would help, I strongly believe it is very helpful. Facing with uncertain future, clarifying and ultimately setting goals would give some purpose and motivation.
I’m focusing on the fact that your hubs has done “everything” as well as your legit fear of loneliness as well as your needing to find a peer group.
A senior independent living or better yet ccrc might be one option. SO works at one where members buy condos starting at 400k. Their hoa fee is 4000 mo and pays for weekly housekeeping, in house maintenance, gym, warm water pool, gardens and group transport. In house life alerts and medical clinic. A restaurant that stands up to most country clubs. Access to AL but not snf. However then you have the condo to pay for that.
You will be losing one crutch, you still have another in your daughter. Has any consideration been given to your daughter moving forward with her life as well? You do not want her to be so dependent as you are, do you?
I would seek therapy, it will help, this is a pivotal moment in your life and you do not seem to be able to cope with the prospect of having to care for yourself..
IMO drugs are not the answer, it is your mindset. It is not so much the circumstance you find yourself in, it's how you handle it. Take care!
If so I am doubly sorry. I am sorry that you are going through a grief process anyway and if it is a spouse it is even more difficult.
Often when I was caring for my Husband, and more so the last month of his life I would find myself crying at the thought of him dying. Then suddenly one day it dawned on me that the tears were selfish.
I was crying for ME!
I was going to lose by best friend.
I was going to lose my Husband.
I was going to be alone.
See...it was all ME!
He would not have wanted to be in the body he was in
He would not have wanted to be lying in bed with no way to communicate
He would not have wanted his mind to be vacant.
He was no longer the blue eyed, smiling man that I had met, fell in love with and married. He no longer laughed, joked, held me, gave me kisses........
If you can, while you can, while he can, do the things you want to do.
Learn what you can.
Develop your interests.
If it is possible get Hospice involved as soon as possible.
YOU will get support and encouragement, he will get care that he needs.
You are right about talking to your doctor.
First your doctor needs to know what is going on in your life that effects your health. Mental health as well as physical.
Talking to a therapist can help.
As far as medication is concerned...why would you think you would become dependent on it? Do you take something for a headache? Allergies? You take a medication when and if you need it. Part of the job of a therapist is to get you to a point where you can understand the emotions, stress and deal with them in a healthy way.
And I have to ask...have you talked to your husband (again I am assuming this is your husband) about how you are feeling? How is he feeling?
(and I have to add this..If you have not seen a lawyer about making sure all your papers are in order it might be something that you want to consider doing. Just to eliminate any added stress later.)