Currently, my mother is living in an Assisted Living facility. Health-wise she is well, although she claims she is not. My mother has a very toxic relationship with my youngest brother. He has exploited her financially to the extent that he has left her with no money for food, utilities and medical needs. My youngest brother wants mom back, but we know that she only represents a stable check so he and his family can live off mom and not address her medical and daily needs. I am completely burned out. I have my own medical issues and am disabled. My mother is a master manipulator. I was abused physically and emotionally as a child, teen and in my adulthood. Bringing mom to my state to live was a means of keeping her safe. I just want to do the right thing for her, but I need to keep my sanity.
My answer is, you get yourself checked out, go to therapy to understand how to protect your own self, and deal with what may be your own diagnosis and issues after being raised by your ill mother.
You consider going no contact, and the advice of your therapist.
This is because protecting your mother will perpetuate exposure to very toxic people.
Using the word "deal with" causes me concern. Maybe "coping" works.
But you are suffering, and the most important person in the family right now.
Because you are t h e one asking for help, and wanting change.
You are needing hugs, growth, healing, and understanding.
Report the financial abuse to the AL and APS on your way out.
Do not explain yourself to a n y b o d y .
You cannot "deal" at all, because you have been injured.
But hope and healing is available to you. That is the good news, a result of you reaching out!
I couldn't. For an example of what I found difficult: you say your mother is well "health-wise," you then imply that she is a hypochondriac, you then go on to accuse your brother of neglecting your mother's medical needs.
I don't think we're getting even one side of the story.
You are doing what you feel is right, although it is done through clenched jaws and some level of anger, both towards brother and mother.
I agree that mother/brother's relationship is not yours to worry about. I have the exact same thing going on with my mother my YB. I think she is kind of terrified of him, but continues to choose to live with him and his family in an apartment attached. She complains a LOT about the arrangement and how he treats her. In the past she has asked everyone of the rest of us sibs if she can live with us. All of us declined, reminding her she had choices and she chose to live where she is.
If I were you, I would cut some of the ties with her. If she still has control of her finances, there isn't much you can do, unless you can prove brother is extorting money from her. Doubtful she would admit to it.
As far as the past--you have to deal with that. I suggest some talk therapy to help you learn the "language" of detaching with love.
Having also been a survivor of abuse that mother knew about and did nothing to stop--I have my own issues with her. I curtail my time with her to what I can handle and no more. She is the ONE person who can push every button I have. It hurts to be an elder myself and still be dealing with junk from my childhood.
You are good to be so loving and caring to someone who maybe wasn't the best in the world--my heart aches for every survivor of abuse AND a narc parent.
We kind of never feel "good enough".