My sister & I have started to alternate care for mom every 2 to 3 weeks as I live out of town but have made a commitment to help with her care. Each time I come to takeover, mom has been neglected & the house is filthy. The first time I was appalled to find these conditions & immediately went to work & improved her & her surroundings. My sister is there physically but sits in front of the tv all day & does nothing. No meals are cooked, no housework is done etc & the first time I went, there were no cleaning supplies in the house at all. I find myself doing all of the work every time I take over, which includes moms personal needs as well. When I ask mom to ask her to help me out she gets angry! I know I can’t change my sister but how do I come to terms with her laziness and lack of empathy for my mom because everything is “too much trouble”?
Turn up to help & have all that too?...
Resentment?
Is that what you feel?(understandable imo)
Dictionary says resentment: bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly.
But you're right - you can't change your sister.
So what to do? Keep doing your care your way & letting her care her way?
Or get a whole new plan.
My gosh, if my sister came here every 2-3 weeks to give me a break, I would be so damn thankful. Kuddos to you for stepping up to help!
Still, I understand about your frustration with the cleaning. How about you stop doing it too and hire a cleaning person on mom's dime? Take mom out to lunch while the cleaners are doing their thing, maybe she will like that idea? Maybe sister will too?
My mom made a bazillion excuses for my siblings and had high expectations from me because I was the responsible one.
I was the one who did the most until I burned out!
It isn’t uncommon for mom’s to have favorites too.
Call your area agency on aging. Ask for a needs assessment for your mom. Find out what services are available. Is it your mom that gets angry or sister that gets angry? I would get some scales in the house and weigh your mom each time you come in and when you leave. what are your moms health issues that she needs care? Is she taking her meds?
I know it’s discouraging but something must be going on with your sister to be so passive aggressive. Does she speak to you, is she animated? Does she leave the home when you come in?
I’m missing something. Your mom must have eaten in three weeks. Who manages moms finances? There must be more to this story.
Regardless of the reason, you are understandably upset and I’m sorry. If this isn’t what you agreed to, you need to ask sister what her intentions are. If she lives with your mom and mom wants her there then that’s harder as your mom may be afraid to be alone. Your sister may be burned out if she has been there a long time and your coming in is recent.
I would try to have a talk with your sister and find out what is wrong. If this is normal for her, then you may have to renegotiate what you are willing to do.
I can think of a number of reasons besides laziness. For instance, are you sure your sister is physical and mentally healthy. I have seen a lot of people who are really sick, won't admit their illness because they have been like that so long. Be empathetic to your sister. In her mind she is probably doing the best she can.
Whatever, the reason your sister is not performing up to your standards, seems to me a focus on whether your sister is putting your mother in an unsafe environment. If so, you could enlist help from senior protective services.
I worked for a man whose family stripped his house down. He still had couches, chairs, dining table, but nothing there to take. Even his cooking utensils and things, were nothing anyone would want. He was still very comfortable, had an old TV, and could watch his videos, and they didn't have to worry. He still had everything he needed.
Not a lot of things to get dirty other than dishes or maybe crumbs. Easier to clean.
You could try that.
Or get some help with a carer. Maybe they can be buffer between you and sis and do some light cleaning. Keep it up, do a load of wash.
Or move her to a small apartment. Everything on 1 floor. Less to keep up. I know when my parents health went, the house seemed to need new everything. Even a roof!
That way you can help with mom but not be overwhelmed with care of a house if she is in one. And you can stop fighting with sis. If you cont to fight it will probably get worse. Eliminate the problem. It does you know good to get upset. She proved she will do bare minimum. Get it done now. You dont want situation to get worse.
My dad would get very annoyed with my brothers’ behavior too.
He knew that he couldn’t change them. It was frustrating for him.
I adored my father. He loved and respected me.
I cherish the memories I have of my father.
None of us here KNOW that the OP has been out of the picture 'doing nothing' all these years and is just now taking up her 'rightful place' as a caregiver. Maybe the sister WANTED to be the primary caregiver and get to live rent free, who knows, really?
Nor do we know that the sister is or is not lazy, but we DO know she's neglecting mom and is not doing any housekeeping by virtue of the fact that there are no housecleaning products in said house.
I clean my house. I can't do so without cleaning products, rags, bleach, paper towels, Lysol toilet bowl cleaner, Windex.............or even just a gallon of bleach. Which wouldn't clean the windows or the mirrors, but at least the toilets, tubs, sinks and showers would be clean.
Cookie, if you and your sister are going to share the duties of caring for mom and mom's house, it looks like you will be doing it virtually by yourself. For whatever reason, your sister is 'there' but not engaged in care giving, cleaning or cooking. This is the arrangement your mother has agreed to, for some reason. She doesn't want to talk to your sister about changing things, and who knows why, but maybe your sister isn't so nice to her if she complains. Ask mom what she would like YOU to do while you are there for your portion of the time. Would she like you to clean? Cook meals and freeze them? Help her with showers? Etc. Then go about doing whatever she would like you to do. Keep in mind that you can't scrub the house from top to bottom and expect it to STAY that way when you're gone, so don't have that be your goal. Just tidy it up to the point where it's livable for the extent of time YOU are there.
You can't change your sister. But you can change how you react to her and what she chooses to do or not do. Is it fair that you will be given the lion's share of cooking/cleaning & caregiving during your stint? Nope, it's not. But the main thing is that you KNOW your mom and her home will be properly cared for while YOU are in charge. While your sister is in charge, all bets are off.
It's really all you can do here. If you have a decent enough rapport with your sister, maybe you two can chat to see if you think she's depressed or burned out or why she seems to have no interest in anything these days. Best case scenario, the two of you forge a better relationship coming out of this than when you went into it.
Worst case scenario, nothing changes but you decide not to let your sister get under your skin, and to just do the best job YOU can do for MOM.
Wishing you the best of luck in a tough situation.
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