My sister & I have started to alternate care for mom every 2 to 3 weeks as I live out of town but have made a commitment to help with her care. Each time I come to takeover, mom has been neglected & the house is filthy. The first time I was appalled to find these conditions & immediately went to work & improved her & her surroundings. My sister is there physically but sits in front of the tv all day & does nothing. No meals are cooked, no housework is done etc & the first time I went, there were no cleaning supplies in the house at all. I find myself doing all of the work every time I take over, which includes moms personal needs as well. When I ask mom to ask her to help me out she gets angry! I know I can’t change my sister but how do I come to terms with her laziness and lack of empathy for my mom because everything is “too much trouble”?
None of us here KNOW that the OP has been out of the picture 'doing nothing' all these years and is just now taking up her 'rightful place' as a caregiver. Maybe the sister WANTED to be the primary caregiver and get to live rent free, who knows, really?
Nor do we know that the sister is or is not lazy, but we DO know she's neglecting mom and is not doing any housekeeping by virtue of the fact that there are no housecleaning products in said house.
I clean my house. I can't do so without cleaning products, rags, bleach, paper towels, Lysol toilet bowl cleaner, Windex.............or even just a gallon of bleach. Which wouldn't clean the windows or the mirrors, but at least the toilets, tubs, sinks and showers would be clean.
Cookie, if you and your sister are going to share the duties of caring for mom and mom's house, it looks like you will be doing it virtually by yourself. For whatever reason, your sister is 'there' but not engaged in care giving, cleaning or cooking. This is the arrangement your mother has agreed to, for some reason. She doesn't want to talk to your sister about changing things, and who knows why, but maybe your sister isn't so nice to her if she complains. Ask mom what she would like YOU to do while you are there for your portion of the time. Would she like you to clean? Cook meals and freeze them? Help her with showers? Etc. Then go about doing whatever she would like you to do. Keep in mind that you can't scrub the house from top to bottom and expect it to STAY that way when you're gone, so don't have that be your goal. Just tidy it up to the point where it's livable for the extent of time YOU are there.
You can't change your sister. But you can change how you react to her and what she chooses to do or not do. Is it fair that you will be given the lion's share of cooking/cleaning & caregiving during your stint? Nope, it's not. But the main thing is that you KNOW your mom and her home will be properly cared for while YOU are in charge. While your sister is in charge, all bets are off.
It's really all you can do here. If you have a decent enough rapport with your sister, maybe you two can chat to see if you think she's depressed or burned out or why she seems to have no interest in anything these days. Best case scenario, the two of you forge a better relationship coming out of this than when you went into it.
Worst case scenario, nothing changes but you decide not to let your sister get under your skin, and to just do the best job YOU can do for MOM.
Wishing you the best of luck in a tough situation.
From the details given we don't know what happens in between that time. Two to three weeks is a long time to be alone with someone disabled.
Does she have support systems? Can she get help with the cooking? Can she get help with the cleaning? Does she have someone to speak with about t his job? Does she want the job? It;s possible to regret/realize you're not capable of caregiving.
The person I take care of makes a mess everyDAY. This is CONSTANT. Constant worrying, constantly seeing the messes, constantly breathing for this person, constantly trying to figure out food. You get to walk away, but your sister has to stay and endure. It's not an easy job. You trade your life for someone else's.
She's a slob? She's lazy? She lacks empathy? Have you considered she's burnt out? Have you considered that the job is so taxing that it won't work long term? Your frustration are all valid, but resenting your sister will only give you another burden to carry.
Cut your losses early before it spirals. Take it from someone who has to take care of a person and has ZERO support systems in place. I wish someone would come even if it was once in a blue moon to help me. Support your sister, if you can't, then find a facility or person who can.
You'll destroy yourself first before the situation is ever improved.
Yet few seem to actually LOOK and see if poster has answered ANY questions.
Your Mother cannot live in an unsafe envirnment. If you choose to attempt to change your sisters conduct you have to be prepared she will say she wont change and you will have to be prepared for the consquense of that. Me personally if she is not willing to take reasonable care and do what she knows she is supposed to be doing, I will open the door and help her leave. I will figure out how to make this work with out her.
If you want to try to get her to what she should do, it will take sitting down having a truthful conversation. the two of you should have some house rules established and both agree to whatever those are. Put them in writing post them some where so you both can see them. If in this discussion she disagrees about the hygene, cleanliness than you will either have to accept this, do double duty when you arrive, or push her out or you step away. Letting her stay there and you do all the work.. that is just a simmering stick pot of hot oil waiting to boil, it will cause huge long term resentment on your part. THE last choice is to leave. Tell her if she is not willing to do what she knows she is supposed to do you are out and she can handle it herself. If you make this threat be 100% prepared to follow thru on it. Good luck
With substandard care your sister is clearly saying that it's not something she wants to do and you're not listening. She has every right to not want to do that job. Taking care of an aging parent is purely a gift not an obligation. Additionally folks who are successful for a long period of time in this field are usually credentialed and paid. If you are neither you should start with professional guidance.
This isn't a reflection on how your sister feels about her family.
This is a reflection on how your mom feels about her family.
If you can move your mother to a facility near you, do so. Your sister is burned out.
Dont be judgemental, your sister deserves better. She's tried her best for a long time. Time for you to step in with a full time solution.