How do I deal with anger towards my sister when I come to takeover Mom’s care and see that she has been neglected and the house is filthy?

How does a house get filthy in two weeks? I ask this question, because people just have differences in what they consider 'clean and tidy'. (My DH and I certainly disagree, LOL). And just because there are no meals cooked, is anyone (mother, sister) in danger of starving to death? Probably not. My sister, who does a lot of caretaking for our mother, frets constantly about what mother eats. She now wants to get housekeeping services for mother. I have no real objections to sister's opinions, but I also know our mother gets tired of sister's obsession with mother's nutrition (mother is actively dying from cancer; she can eat whatever [or not] she pleases, as far as I'm concerned), and I also know my mother has resisted hired housecleaning services (which she can well afford) because she wants 'her kids' to do it. (We are all in our 60's, 70's). My point here is that, in the best of circumstances, people disagree about housecleaning essentials and food preparation. If it were me, I'd be grateful that my sister is there to 'babysit' and I wouldn't obsess about the housekeeping (most people don't die from dirty houses) and I wouldn't worry about cooked meals. Plenty of microwave options out there... Be grateful for whatever support you get from sister.

Your sister isn’t caring for Mom; she’s basically the babysitter who watches TV instead of Mom. She’s not interested. Really it’s you who is doing it all!

Consider that your sister is depressed, overwhelmed, unable to meet with friends, possibly short on sleep from meeting mom's overnight needs, broke from extra expenses???

If you can move your mother to a facility near you, do so. Your sister is burned out.

Dont be judgemental, your sister deserves better. She's tried her best for a long time. Time for you to step in with a full time solution.

how old is your sister?  does she live with your mom due to the virus situation or has she always been there?  It sounds like IF you don't want to have to pull double duty, then get with an elder attorney and find out (or even a type of office of aging) what can be done with what finances your mothers has (she may qualify for Medicaid) to pay for someone to come in 1 time a week to clean the house....and maybe someone to come in every day (meals on wheels) to have at least 1 meal for YOUR MOTHER......NOT the sister.  Also, does sister drive, does she have a job?  not a whole lot to go on, but IF you feel she is not being taken care of.........find someone who will while you are not there, or move the mother in with you (which is not a good suggestion unless you are willing to give up a lot in the future as her needs require more attention).  Maybe with Medicaid she can get into an assisted living place or NH.  wishing you luck.

Why are you angry at your sister and not your mom? Your sister didn't create this situation, your mom did. This story is another lesson for everyone who needs to plan this part of life with intention.
With substandard care your sister is clearly saying that it's not something she wants to do and you're not listening. She has every right to not want to do that job. Taking care of an aging parent is purely a gift not an obligation. Additionally folks who are successful for a long period of time in this field are usually credentialed and paid. If you are neither you should start with professional guidance.
This isn't a reflection on how your sister feels about her family.
This is a reflection on how your mom feels about her family.

You only have three choices here. 1) Live with it 2) Lobby to create change 3)leave it IE walk away.

Your Mother cannot live in an unsafe envirnment. If you choose to attempt to change your sisters conduct you have to be prepared she will say she wont change and you will have to be prepared for the consquense of that. Me personally if she is not willing to take reasonable care and do what she knows she is supposed to be doing, I will open the door and help her leave. I will figure out how to make this work with out her.

If you want to try to get her to what she should do, it will take sitting down having a truthful conversation. the two of you should have some house rules established and both agree to whatever those are. Put them in writing post them some where so you both can see them. If in this discussion she disagrees about the hygene, cleanliness than you will either have to accept this, do double duty when you arrive, or push her out or you step away. Letting her stay there and you do all the work.. that is just a simmering stick pot of hot oil waiting to boil, it will cause huge long term resentment on your part. THE last choice is to leave. Tell her if she is not willing to do what she knows she is supposed to do you are out and she can handle it herself. If you make this threat be 100% prepared to follow thru on it. Good luck

Imho, there are typically two sides to every story. Prayers sent.

I think you should take a step back and reconsider the situation.

From the details given we don't know what happens in between that time. Two to three weeks is a long time to be alone with someone disabled.

Does she have support systems? Can she get help with the cooking? Can she get help with the cleaning? Does she have someone to speak with about t his job? Does she want the job? It;s possible to regret/realize you're not capable of caregiving.

The person I take care of makes a mess everyDAY. This is CONSTANT. Constant worrying, constantly seeing the messes, constantly breathing for this person, constantly trying to figure out food. You get to walk away, but your sister has to stay and endure. It's not an easy job. You trade your life for someone else's.

She's a slob? She's lazy? She lacks empathy? Have you considered she's burnt out? Have you considered that the job is so taxing that it won't work long term? Your frustration are all valid, but resenting your sister will only give you another burden to carry.

Cut your losses early before it spirals. Take it from someone who has to take care of a person and has ZERO support systems in place. I wish someone would come even if it was once in a blue moon to help me. Support your sister, if you can't, then find a facility or person who can.

You'll destroy yourself first before the situation is ever improved.

In my opinion, katiekat2009 finally SAID it! "And sometimes people are just slobs." And lazy, too.

None of us here KNOW that the OP has been out of the picture 'doing nothing' all these years and is just now taking up her 'rightful place' as a caregiver. Maybe the sister WANTED to be the primary caregiver and get to live rent free, who knows, really?

Nor do we know that the sister is or is not lazy, but we DO know she's neglecting mom and is not doing any housekeeping by virtue of the fact that there are no housecleaning products in said house.

I clean my house. I can't do so without cleaning products, rags, bleach, paper towels, Lysol toilet bowl cleaner, Windex.............or even just a gallon of bleach. Which wouldn't clean the windows or the mirrors, but at least the toilets, tubs, sinks and showers would be clean.

Cookie, if you and your sister are going to share the duties of caring for mom and mom's house, it looks like you will be doing it virtually by yourself. For whatever reason, your sister is 'there' but not engaged in care giving, cleaning or cooking. This is the arrangement your mother has agreed to, for some reason. She doesn't want to talk to your sister about changing things, and who knows why, but maybe your sister isn't so nice to her if she complains. Ask mom what she would like YOU to do while you are there for your portion of the time. Would she like you to clean? Cook meals and freeze them? Help her with showers? Etc. Then go about doing whatever she would like you to do. Keep in mind that you can't scrub the house from top to bottom and expect it to STAY that way when you're gone, so don't have that be your goal. Just tidy it up to the point where it's livable for the extent of time YOU are there.

You can't change your sister. But you can change how you react to her and what she chooses to do or not do. Is it fair that you will be given the lion's share of cooking/cleaning & caregiving during your stint? Nope, it's not. But the main thing is that you KNOW your mom and her home will be properly cared for while YOU are in charge. While your sister is in charge, all bets are off.

It's really all you can do here. If you have a decent enough rapport with your sister, maybe you two can chat to see if you think she's depressed or burned out or why she seems to have no interest in anything these days. Best case scenario, the two of you forge a better relationship coming out of this than when you went into it.

Worst case scenario, nothing changes but you decide not to let your sister get under your skin, and to just do the best job YOU can do for MOM.

Wishing you the best of luck in a tough situation.

As a matter of principle, it’s important to keep in mind especially when it comes to a sibling saying what another sibling did or didn’t do, to have a measured response and open mind rule number one- your sisters side of things is an unknown - her account might be a lot different than yours. She may say ( i.e. “my sister was never around, I let her know I have fibromyalgia and am doing the best I can. Mom always has meals, the house is not a photo of better homes and gardens but it’s certainly sanitary and yes there’s a bit of clutter. I wish my sister had been more supportive of moms needs. It’s easy for her to now say after all this time what a bad job I’m doing when the reality is I’m the only one who’s been helping”—- it raises a question to some when the sibling who hasn’t been around ( except maybe near the end) says bad things about the sib who’s been there.
pls note I don’t know one way or another however usually the truth lays somewhere in the middle. Have you asked yourself why you weren’t around for your mom ( until a little bit now at this late stage of things)
Did you assume the worst ( labeling your sister as lazy) rather than asking how she’s doing, how she’s feeling? If you have knowledge of caregiving you’d know how draining it’s known to be, so frankly that raises the question if having known this why you didn’t try to help your sister out so her health would stay in okay shape and avoid stress and burnout

I'm another one who is going to stick up for the sister a little bit here. I was the caregiver who was scrutinized by family/friends. Are there dishes in the sink? Well, yes, but I run the dishwasher every 2 days and those dishes are from last night's dinner and this morning - they will be washed tonight after dinner. It's very easy to see the laundry that's sitting, but difficult to see that I just did two loads and put it away while no one was looking. Sorry I didn't get all of it done. I had a family member make an unannounced visit and email me later with her list of things to either do by myself or mandate that a twenty-something person she specified must do them. How do I mandate someone? Seriously? Plus, elders frequently don't allow uninterrupted time to finish a big project (like scrubbing the floor), so sometimes those things get put on the back burner inadvertently. I had a million other things going on in my life at the time, but maybe no one knew that or cared. I was so exhausted that I prayed something would happen to me so that I could be in the hospital a few days. (It sounds crazy at the present moment, but that made sense at the time in that state of mind). To top it off, elder's house was in better shape than my own. When someone appears lazy and ineffective, sometimes it's exhaustion and feeling like life has become a bottomless pit. Sister may have simply had it up to here.

Was your sister ever a good housekeeper? Did she ever do regular cooking, cleaning, laundry? - If no, you got the person that she's always been.

If she used to do these things, is it possible with you being out of town, sis has been dealing with mom much more than you prior to this current arrangement. She may be burned out. Mom and sis have become used to the situation. When you argue with sis, mom wants to avoid the bickering and leave it as is. Neither of them probably care anymore about what gets done.

Not sure if you mean sis lives there all the time - but - tell them both the conditions are going to get sis in trouble and mom placed in facility. If sis is there all the time, she's on call 24/7. Not always big tasks, but take it from others who live with the parent - you can't start and finish anything without interruption. Leaving the room to wash dishes is when you get 1000 questions about something. After years of this, your brain is like having attention deficit - it is very hard to start something, figure out what to start, and changes you.
As for meals - you say no meals cooked - so are both of them just living on fast foods? I mean, they have to be eating something.

Use mom's finances to hire someone to come in and clean weekly. If you come on weekend, then have cleaning day be on a Thurs or Friday so you aren't so angry when you enter the house. You might be able to spend some of your time there doing meals to put in the freezer.

I've been in this struggle for many years now. At first i hired a cleaning women once a month and asked sister to pay for half. (with covid may not be a solution)
and also, depending on your sister, she may not be willing. I found through time that my sister was a narcist - very selfish and so I have just started doing the work myself. I just focused on mom and her surroundings and ignored my sister 100% as a source of any assistance. We are all programmed differently and it will upset you more to focus on her than it is your mom - it is terrible and cancerous but they have no understanding of what it is to be a great caregiver because everything is about them. If you are POA you can enforce things like cleaning service and take over your moms account to provide safe and clean environment but the doctor needs to declare her incompetent so you should take her to the doctor " tell her its for covid" - check the will and all important documents and keep them near you asap. Learn as much as you can. Good Luck and sorry that you are suffering - Dementia is horrible and no one wins.

As someone who took care of their aunt before she finally decided to go to an old folks home, I can attest to how frustrating, difficult, and time consuming caring for an old person can be. She managed to take an entire hour and a half to eat one meal at a fast food restaurant, she didn't clean her dishes, clothes, or clean up after the cat. She expected me to do all of that and more. During Covid-19, all of this is even worse than before.

I'm guessing your sister has a life outside of caring for her mom, family, kids, work, ect. 2-3 weeks is way too long of a shift, maybe alternate every week? I cared for my aunt all by myself for over an entire year, and it was eating away at me with high stress levels, and lost time that I could have spent making money. I gained thirty pounds, and found myself having next to no leisure time at all. Eventually, she stopped cooperating with me because she thought I was after inheritance. (She has late-stage dementia, so it's not really her fault.) At that point, I had to let her go to an old folks home. I'm not even in her will by the way. She removed me from her will, because she actually thought I was caring for her because of inheritance.

If I could go back in time, then I wouldn't have cared for her at all. She had money to hire a housekeeper, as well as anything else she could possibly need. My health suffered greatly, and I'm still working on losing all of this excessive weight slowly. I'm also in great debt thanks to Covid-19, as I was working a part-time job at a gym that was immediately cut. Part-time work was all I could do, thanks to having to care for my aunt, but even now I'm jobless thanks to Covid-19.

If your mom can't do basic things for herself, then I'm sorry, but it's time for her to be sent to a greater place of care. No one should be expected to do everything for another person, because it's far too time consuming for no pay. Can she cook her own meals? Does she clean her messes up? Can she get up and walk around on her own? Does she give you any trouble? Does she smoke, or blast the tv because she can't hear? These are all important things that we should know ahead of time. Sometimes they can make caring for a person intolerable.

For one thing, step back. If your mom has her mental faculties then don't worry about it. It's your mom's life and your mom's house. Not everyone cares if the house is spotless, evidently it doesn't bother your mom or sister.
Stop saying anything to either one of them about the care of your mom or the dirty house.

Do just the amount of work you would normally do with both your mom and the house.

Or clean up just your mom and her bedroom and bath only.

If your sister doesn't cook, there shouldn't be a lot of stuff to clean in the kitchen, so don't. They must order in or eat microwaveable food and that's their business too.

Every one takes care of things differently so instead of being upset with sis and making mom angry when you mention it, just change yourself because that's tge only thing you can change.

A side thought is if your mom has the money and can afford it and wants too, you could have a cleaning service come in once a week, even the weeks you come and that way you have more time for nice visiting then cleaning all the time you're there.

Poster has not been back to answer anyone's questions about what agreement was made with sister to help with caregiving, if sister lives in the house with their mother, whether sister agreed to prepare meals, whether POA both medical and financial has been done, what their mother's ailments are that require care, whether sister is employed or not, how much money their mother has to pay for in-home help, etc etc etc etc. Perhaps sister is burned out?

First let me say...you will be rewarded by your own heart for helping out your mom. You will sleep better too after she is gone. I know what it is like having siblings with lax homecare standards. She too lived under the same roof as my dearly departed mom. You do not say if your mom is cooking on her own. Is she capable? It sounds like the dishes are neglected? Could she be demanding your sister just sit there and keep her company. My mother would get angry that I wanted to clean and all she wanted was companionship. She wanted to ignore her declinibg ability to keep the house orderly and wanted to live on the sofa with her "kids" watching TV. Are the dishes piled up for days perhaps? You do not get into this so I will assume it's not complete abandonment. People have to eat and dishes need to get done although slower than our standards in order to keep eating. Notice I said our standards. My mother raised me to do the housework I was much older than my sister. Closer to seven years. I think you might be emotionally and mentally more healthy than your sister. It takes its toll living as an adult in the house with a sick parent who is declining ...you feel trapped and not because you do not want to help but because you are getting told to stop cleaning and watch her favourite shows with her. All day. Day after day. You see I too lived with my mother and noticed she did this to me. I unlike your sister disobeyed my mother and cleaned the kitchen when she napped. As a 50 year old she woke up saw me in the kitchen and grabbed a broom breaking it over my shoulders to stop my cleaning her kitchen. I lived in the flat above and had my own kitchen upstairs she yelled out hitting me. I again do not know much about your sister but it might be safe to say laziness is a sign of disheartenment ...maybe depression...maybe feelings of hopelessness. Maybe its obeying your mother's demands. I might be wrong here too. My sister had to move in once I left and mom got too sick to be left home alone I wonder is it possible to spend $80 on the week you are not there to hire a cleaning lady. A gift. Someone who is bonded and not a family or freind of (I say this due to trust issues developing). I wonder if your sister is working would gifting her money too...on the opposite week of a cleaning service getting the money to clean and providing her with cleaning supplies would it lift her spirits and make her feel appreciated? No one wants to feel like its a duty. They want to do things from their heart. We must look at a bigger picture and it is hard when you are standing in the middle of it....it is in my experience better to not ask permission from depressed people but wrap it all up as gifts. Gifts are not refused. I have lost my parents. I have given up on my siblings who called me lazy till I moved out and took on your role as the visiting cleaning lady.....and only now upon reading your experience do I see one avenue that might have been better. Do not ask or tell. Do. It might work. Or maybe I have no problem solving skills...still. In my mothers last year I went over four days a week. But jealousy took over because I am not holding back the truth...we were a dysfunctional ...a poorly functional family. Its not anyone's fault. It is however a problem needing a benevolence instead of retalliation. I hope this helps.

I have a sibling that wouldn’t participate in active caregiving with our dad, he sat and stared at either TV or his phone. What he did do was complain loudly about what he was asked to do and put out on social media that he was a sole caregiver under tremendous stress. I also walked into a mess after his turns with dad, and though I didn’t say anything to dad, I could see my dad’s strain at the hostility he got from my sibling at being asked to do anything. For me, the answer was to stop expecting anything, not waste time feeling resentful, and find other ways to accomplish what needed to be done. Sometimes the people around us, for a myriad of reasons, just aren’t capable of doing what’s needed. And it’s okay to release both of you from expecting it to be different

First thing that stood out to me was your statement "When I ask mom to ask her to help me out ..." Don't ask mom to intervene. YOU talk to sister directly with your concerns and complaints. Second thing, consider using part of mom's SS to hire a biweekly housekeeper. She/he could be scheduled to come a week or so (midway point) after you leave. Third thing, consider using a part of mom's SS to hire a personal health aide that can come to do grocery shopping, light meal prep, activities of daily living assistance, etc. They run $18-20/hr where I live. My mom has 30 minutes assistance with compression hose, dishes, medication reminder, shower assist, laundry, etc in the morning, and 30 minutes in the evening. You can talk to local companies - they don't have to come every day. Good luck. I suspect sis is burned out, depressed, and probably has some underlying health issues.

So sorry that that your sister does not take care of your mom and the home to your satisfaction. Maybe you should have a couple of days of overlap to see how your sister handles mom and the home. I have a suspicion that "caring for mom" is all that she does or can handle, I don't have any good ideas to motivate your sister. However, you can discuss this with her and brainstorm ideas to deal with it. Here are a few of my ideas:

Have housecleaners come in a couple times each week when sister is on duty. Of course, sister's or your mom's finances should pay for this.

Move mom. It might be difficult in the beginning, but having mom nearer to you would ensure that her needs are met and her home stays nicer. Seems your mom would need only a small place that would be easier to keep clean. Then, your sister could be the one to travel and you could make sure things are done more consistently because you could "pop" in to visit regularly.

Meals on wheels can be set up to provide meals for mom and sister when she is on duty. Otherwise, frozen meals and shelf stable meals can be purchased for when sister is on duty.

Groceries and supplies: make shopping list with sister and order online. Either have a shopper who delivers to the house (like Shipt) or sister and mom can pick them up at the store. Of course, this should be paid for with sister's and mom's finances.

Please check mom's finances. make sure mom's bills are paid and sister isn't dipping into her accounts.

Ask sister to see her doctor. She may be suffering from depression - so many people are during this pandemic.

On a more practical note, get an IQ Robot vacuum! Your sister may have fun with it, and it will make your life easier (picking up crumbs, dust, hair; it mops, empties itself, low-maintenance).

Identify problem (to you) areas, such as dishes piled in the sink, dirty oven/kitchen, and seek solutions (paper plates instead, e.g.).

Come to terms by stop labelling her. You look at everything she does through the lens of laziness and lack of empathy. You put "too much trouble" in quotes and I am not sure that is her response or yours,

I can think of a number of reasons besides laziness. For instance, are you sure your sister is physical and mentally healthy. I have seen a lot of people who are really sick, won't admit their illness because they have been like that so long. Be empathetic to your sister. In her mind she is probably doing the best she can.

Whatever, the reason your sister is not performing up to your standards, seems to me a focus on whether your sister is putting your mother in an unsafe environment. If so, you could enlist help from senior protective services.

You’ve gotten some great advice here, however if the neglect to your mother is a health or safety risk, then you really need to address the situation. If it’s just a matter of being messy and not living up to your idea of neatness, that’s another thing altogether. I don’t know if your sister has been doing the caregiving for a longer period of time than you have, but I know myself, that when my daughter made a surprise visit to our home, I was so embarrassed for her to see how disorganized our home was. Especially since I had always been an impeccable housekeeper to the point of being obsessed. But after so many years (13) of working full time and then caregiving whenever I wasn’t working I let the house go. Now I don’t mean unhealthily dirty, just messy, and he was always clean and taken well care of. But I was seriously burnt out, to the point that I basically started having panic and anxiety attacks. So that could be part of her issue or perhaps she is just a slob. How does she keep her own house? Is it the same mess or clean and neat? The fact that you are sharing the caregiving is a huge plus for your mother and the both of you. There’s always a solution to every problem, even though it may not be your ultimate preference. Sometimes you just have to let things go or you will drive yourself to insanity.

Editing my post, time ran out. Should read, some people through no fault of their own are NOT cut out for it.

I wouldn't try asking your mother to put pressure on your sister. If you can't persuade her and this has been going on for some time, then no amount of asking will change anything.
External help may be needed! Otherwise you will end up cleaning up after both of them.

I am sorry that you are struggling with this situation.

Caregiving is never a pleasant task. It is a sacrifice.

Some people are able to manage fairly well and some through no fault of their own are cut out for it.

Please do not expect perfection from yourself or others. No one is perfect!

Sometimes caregiving is frustrating because it simply isn’t practical at that time in their life.

I am glad that you reached out to this forum.

Speak to a therapist if you want to go one step further. It helps to have an objective perspective on a situation. Have an open mind.

My therapist shared his view of caregiving which was, “Caregiving is a responsibility that can grow into a burden that we have willingly or unwillingly accepted in our lives.

If we become miserable and it’s no longer feasible, we must make arrangements for others to do the ‘hands on’ care.”

My therapist went on to say that we benefit most from making decisions based on reality.

It isn’t healthy to make decisions based on our siblings or parents views.

Life is about compromise. No parent or sibling should expect continual care from a family member, especially without pay.

Wise assessment and advice!

It helps to hear the truth because acceptance of truth is great motivation for positive change.

Suppression of truth, denial of truth, never works for anyone.

It isn’t fair to you, your mom or your sister if there is resentment or a lack of harmony in the house.

Caregiving requires team work to be successful.

People don’t accept accountability or responsibility unless they choose to. Ideally all persons involved should speak to a mediator to work towards resolving issues.

This situation is impossible to assess without knowing all details.

Maybe you’re a fanatic about cleaning and organization.

Maybe you are reasonable and stressed out from your sister’s messy habits.

My advice is if the budget allows, please hire a housekeeper.

Do you feel this is a personality clash?

See if mom will pay for a housekeeper. If not, politely ask your sister to share the cost if each of you can afford it.

Forget this, “keep the peace” philosophy. I grew up in a household like that. No one wins except the person that gets their way.

If you or your sister are tiring of caregiving, it happens, ask mom to hire help. Then your visits with mom are on your terms.

Figure this out, for all of your sakes, even if it means going to therapy to have an outside, objective professional assessment.

Wishing you and your family all the best during these difficult times.

Oh yes, too clean or not too clean, that is the question.

Our dear mother’s concept of “filthy” and “lazy” are so different from all the kids and grandkids that we all would experience HIGH stress if she planned to visit. It was not a happy occasion, which is unfortunate but true. My sister and I both moved out within days of turning 18.
Can you be a little more descriptive of the situation? Your comments make it almost seem like it needs to be reported to the authorities. If not that serious, several people have offered great suggestions here.

Before you and your sister came up with the (normally!) very constructive approach of alternating care, was your sister already involved, living with your mother or nearby? I'm just wondering if she may perhaps have been struggling with it for some time, and embarked on the new arrangement already ready to give up.

I agree with Alva's observation (taken on a bit of a tangent) that when you have two siblings you will very often find one that is organised and disciplined, and one (me, e.g.) who is more of a hopeless piglet. Has something like that ever been the case with the two of you?

Hailey is right that this is just the best thing, that you are BOTH involved.
I think there are seldom two people with the same standards of cleanliness. My Mom always felt to keep things looking neat was the key to their not noticing the dust-bunnies under the bed.
For me I kind of like it both neat and clean to the extent that my daughter always worries when I visit, which is SAD. Because honestly I couldn't care less. One day during a visit I observed to her "You know there's the greatest product for getting mold out of the grout" and she looked SO SAD when she replied to me "Mom, do you have any idea how hard I tried to get this house perfect for your visit". (Turned out the stuff had embedded itself in the latex caulk someone used for repair and even I couldn't get it out!!). I felt so bad, and we talked. I hated that she felt she had to live up to some standard. She has such a wonderful home. Full of beautiful things. And here my control issues made her feel bad about it.
I think try to understand your standards are maybe a bit high. And offer, if you like, a housekeeper once a week? Once a month? Clearly your Mom is HAPPY, and isn't that what it is all about?
I think Hailey's idea of meals on wheels is also good, and if cooking is what you do, put in a few casseroles. You can feel proud of yourself you are doing so well, happy you have a sister to help so you aren't on for 24/7, and look on the bright side of this much as you are able for what you BOTH are doing for your Mom.

It is such a BLESSING for you and your sister to both be able to care for your mom "at home."

With this being said, I would try to keep peace with my sister. I know it may be hard but some things are best to work through.

I would handle this situation by getting the home cleaned spotless. From one end to the other. Then, I would tell sis, "I got the home clean and let's keep it this way."

Help her to understand, it takes "little effort" to keep things picked up after her and mom. I n doing so, there should not be too much out of place between 2 to 3 weeks.

As far as her meals, the weeks you are not there, I would arrange for Meals on Wheels to bring her out nutritious meals.

Also, make it known to your sister you would appreciate her helping you to keep mom home.

Try not to get angry because it could make matters worse.