My sister & I have started to alternate care for mom every 2 to 3 weeks as I live out of town but have made a commitment to help with her care. Each time I come to takeover, mom has been neglected & the house is filthy. The first time I was appalled to find these conditions & immediately went to work & improved her & her surroundings. My sister is there physically but sits in front of the tv all day & does nothing. No meals are cooked, no housework is done etc & the first time I went, there were no cleaning supplies in the house at all. I find myself doing all of the work every time I take over, which includes moms personal needs as well. When I ask mom to ask her to help me out she gets angry! I know I can’t change my sister but how do I come to terms with her laziness and lack of empathy for my mom because everything is “too much trouble”?
I gave up some time ago trying to help her. Then she actually TOLD me to not touch or move her 'things'. I knew it bothered her when I took out the newspapers and tried to organize a little, but I didn't know it really was the problem to her that it was.
Now when I visit, I visit her in the common living room and don't even go into her apartment at all.
I worked for a man whose family stripped his house down. He still had couches, chairs, dining table, but nothing there to take. Even his cooking utensils and things, were nothing anyone would want. He was still very comfortable, had an old TV, and could watch his videos, and they didn't have to worry. He still had everything he needed.
Not a lot of things to get dirty other than dishes or maybe crumbs. Easier to clean.
You could try that.
Or get some help with a carer. Maybe they can be buffer between you and sis and do some light cleaning. Keep it up, do a load of wash.
Or move her to a small apartment. Everything on 1 floor. Less to keep up. I know when my parents health went, the house seemed to need new everything. Even a roof!
That way you can help with mom but not be overwhelmed with care of a house if she is in one. And you can stop fighting with sis. If you cont to fight it will probably get worse. Eliminate the problem. It does you know good to get upset. She proved she will do bare minimum. Get it done now. You dont want situation to get worse.
Is your sister dealing with any healthy or physical limitations? Can outside help come in to help with your mother's physical care? How are meals being provided to your mother and by whom? What does your sister do all day besides watch TV and your mother?
I would not put your mother into the middle of it. However I also sadly have no answer for how to come to terms with it, unless you kick your sister out of the picture and document your time and efforts and /or hire someone so you get a reprieve/respite. If you are doing more than your fair share, maybe you might want to invest in a consult with a certified elder law attorney and see about creating a caregiver agreement so that somehow you are compensated for your efforts, and your sister, significantly less considering her lack of efforts.
Call your area agency on aging. Ask for a needs assessment for your mom. Find out what services are available. Is it your mom that gets angry or sister that gets angry? I would get some scales in the house and weigh your mom each time you come in and when you leave. what are your moms health issues that she needs care? Is she taking her meds?
I know it’s discouraging but something must be going on with your sister to be so passive aggressive. Does she speak to you, is she animated? Does she leave the home when you come in?
I’m missing something. Your mom must have eaten in three weeks. Who manages moms finances? There must be more to this story.
Regardless of the reason, you are understandably upset and I’m sorry. If this isn’t what you agreed to, you need to ask sister what her intentions are. If she lives with your mom and mom wants her there then that’s harder as your mom may be afraid to be alone. Your sister may be burned out if she has been there a long time and your coming in is recent.
I would try to have a talk with your sister and find out what is wrong. If this is normal for her, then you may have to renegotiate what you are willing to do.
My gosh, if my sister came here every 2-3 weeks to give me a break, I would be so damn thankful. Kuddos to you for stepping up to help!
Still, I understand about your frustration with the cleaning. How about you stop doing it too and hire a cleaning person on mom's dime? Take mom out to lunch while the cleaners are doing their thing, maybe she will like that idea? Maybe sister will too?
My mom made a bazillion excuses for my siblings and had high expectations from me because I was the responsible one.
I was the one who did the most until I burned out!
It isn’t uncommon for mom’s to have favorites too.
Turn up to help & have all that too?...
Resentment?
Is that what you feel?(understandable imo)
Dictionary says resentment: bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly.
But you're right - you can't change your sister.
So what to do? Keep doing your care your way & letting her care her way?
Or get a whole new plan.