How do I deal with limited visiting time (30 minutes) when I drive 1.5 hours to get there?

Yes it is unreasonable. The 30 minutes is what your mother can cope with in one go. Think "less is more" and drive the 1.5 hours to see your mother, and not to see your mother for a logistically practical length of time.

Truman46, your post makes it sound as though this 30-minute rule was your sister's doing. When I first read it I thought "screw that!" But in your response below you reveal that this was actually your sister's reaction to your mother's complaints about long visits. So my answer to you is two parts.

First, as a caregiver of a parent with Parkinson's and moderate cognitive impairment, I will say that no matter your profession (RN or not) caregiving is HARD. So many things are outside of our control that we will grasp at any opportunity to make life easier and our LO a bit happier. Limiting visit times, when your mother is complaining about long visits, just makes sense. As others have suggested, you could spend the night and then visit on two consecutive days.

Second, as a family member who was deprived of visits when my aunt was in hospice, I will say that as much as it hurts to have your time limited, it all comes down to respecting the wishes of the patient. She didn't want anyone to even know that she was sick, let alone dying, and so my cousin (an only child) was made to not only keep her secret but also deal with her impending death alone. It wasn't easy on him, but he did it out of respect for her - she didn't want the visitors. What he also had to deal with - while grieving the loss of his mother - was the anger directed at him from other family members who felt that he should have told them regardless of what his mother wanted. Somehow what THEY wanted was more important than what SHE wanted in her last days. I would implore you to not hold this kind of grudge in regards to your sister, as she is just respecting your mother's wishes.

No it is not unreasonable, unless the 30-minute limit is for your mother's benefit (maybe she gets tired after 30 minutes). If this is the case, would you be willing just to sit quietly with her while she sleeps, or perhaps visit twice in one day, and take a lunch break in between? Talk about this with your sibling(s) and let them know why you are asking for this. Can you tell the others when you'd like to visit and your schedule; they may have more flexibility than you about when they visit. All the best to you and your family.

Truman46: Your separate thread details your health issues and perhaps that is paramount in this decision of how frequent you visit your terminal mother and how long it takes you to get there. I am so sorry that you're faced with such challenges. Hugs sent to you.

My husband and I cared for his mother before she died of cancer in February. While I know not all cancers are the same, perhaps our experience will help you. When we brought her home from the hospital and she chose hospice, I thought she'd want to see her grandchildren and have those last days with them. We encouraged them to come and see their grandma while they still could, and her friends as well (she was a widow and my husband was her only living child). She really didn't want visitors. Our niece called her and wanted to come visit, but she said no. My oldest son insisted on coming and stayed several hours. She was asleep most of that time and exhausted afterwards. She was in a lot of pain and the only thing she really wanted was the medication; she didn't want to talk, watch TV, listen to music, nothing.

I understand how you feel. It's so hard to say goodbye and we so desperately want to say the things that are in our hearts. My much adored older brother died at Christmastime. I would have gladly flown across the country to spend 30 minutes with him to say goodbye. I was asked not to come. He was just so sick that he was uncontrollably agitated much of the time, and visitors made it worse. I called and left him a voicemail to tell him I loved him. I don't know if he ever heard it. I had to trust my niece (also an RN) that it wouldn't be helpful for me to come.

When you go to see her, does your mother ask you to stay longer? Or do visits tire her out? It seems you feel you're being pushed aside with the shorter visits, but your sister might have your mom's interests in mind. Even though she's a professional, this is likely the hardest thing she's ever had to do, and needing to keep the visits short makes it even harder. 30 minutes for a dying cancer patient doesn't seem unreasonable to me.

Would your sister allow you to help her care for your mom, or even stay with her while she does errands? Or can you help her with household chores, or babysitting? That way you'd be nearby, but not necessarily imposing a tiring long visit on your mom. Sister is doing a difficult but wonderful thing and she needs your support.

I'm so sorry for the impending loss of your mother. I hope you find peace.

Why does sister think she's God? Do you take directions and obey on command?

When my mother was dying of cancer, I made an open invitation to anyone and everyone who cared about her...............only two visitors showed up: heartbreaking.

Go, visit on your terms and then turn off your phone or block her.

Let the patient dictate the length of the visit.

Your siblings drive 30 min round trip for a 30 minute visit. I’d ask for the same 1 minute visit for travel time (3 hrs) and negotiate from there. It’s not like you’re throwing a party when you visit or 48 relatives show up each day for their allotted 30 minutes.

How about doing a zoom or other kind of video call? Most facilities now support that approach to visits.

Definitely not unreasonable. Is your mom at home or a SNF? If at home, is your sister POA? If in SNF, could you negotiate with someone else other than your sister, perhaps a Nurse Manager or Hospice Director? I used to drive 2 hours each way to visit my mom in a SNF and was only permitted 15 min. per visit (per week). It was during Covid shutdowns, but at least I then spent a few hours cleaning out mom's apartment while I was in the area. Keep fighting for your rights as a daughter and your place within the family.

What is reasonable here?

30 minute visit limit to someone very ill.
Reasonable? Yes.

Driving 1.5 hrs each way to stay overnight/longer, or a special occasion day trip. Reasonable? Yes.

Driving 1.5 hrs each way for a 30 min visit? No.

This is just about the situation my out-of-town sibling faces, although visits can be a little longer (but less than 2 hours best).

I have been the one explaining shorter visits are better now! It IS a hard thing, but it must work for everyone to work well.

My out-of-towners stay with other family. If an empty nester I would offer too. If they did have to get a hotel, to be honest, I would consider that their choice & cost (just as I have when visiting people longer that a day trip distance).

I think the biggest difference to my situation to yours is no-one expects the out-of-town folk to be involved with care, to do any of the weekly stuff or even visit frequently.

But because we can have frequent phone contact, it is easy to forget the distance & I'm sure I am guilty of expecting attendance to something or other that crossed into not reasonable zone.

Flipping it around: 3 hrs drive roundtrip is just too much for a day trip for me these days.

So I would do an o/night stay or not go. O/night stay dependant on getting a family offer (not too often to prevent outstaying welcome) or hotel, not too often (prevent hole in pocket!)

Sometimes I think living +4hrs away is easier than 1.5!

One in-law thought it reasonable for their sibling to fly interstate to visit for every holiday, birthday or event - like 10 times or so per yr. Was told no. Xmas (or ev 2nd) + maybe once more.

What's reasonable for YOU?

Less frequent visits?
Visit if available/affordable o/night stay?
Or maybe a 2nd best choice of contact eg setting up video call 'visits'?

Like I replied to another poster.. if the sisters want you to have more contact with your Mom/parents, they will happily help set up video calls. ADD value 😁

However, if they shut that down, expect your bodily presence - why? They may want a servant or a work-horse.

Maybe you could offer your sister the "afternoon off" as caregiver. That way she wouldn't think of you as a "visitor" who is creating work but more as a helper and you can spend the afternoon at the house with your mother. I see the point of your sister since visitors probably tire your mother if she's trying to make conversation, etc. But, if you were just around to keep an eye on her and having interactions when she's up for it that might give both of you what you need, and your sister to have some time off, too. I know exactly how you feel about the frustration of a long trip and then just a short little visit. I travel every three weeks to visit my father - I fly on an early flight, arrive in the early afternoon, then visit with my dad until after dinner, and then take the last flight back home. He often doesn't want me to come when I first arrive (I always call him before I come to his apartment) and then he often sends me away just before dinner. I sometimes get about 3 hours with him. The total time of the trip is 18 hours and a cost of several hundred dollars.

How about 30 in the morning and then 30 more in the afternoon?

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/what-are-my-caregiving-expectations-i-have-chronic-fatigue-and-arthritis-i-struggle-with-daily-life-477219.htm

Please read Trumans other thread.

Your family is unreasonable. You need to get them to understand your limitations. I would think with your illnesses, renting a Hotel room would be a big expense since you not working.

In your shoes, I would respect your nurse siblings visiting time limit. Staying overnight a couple times a week would provide you time for four visits a week. If other siblings have not offered you a bed, it may be that your dilemma isn't at the top of their mind, as no doubt they are also worried about mom. Have you asked them if you could stay over? Couldn't hurt to ask. You always have the hotel option.

I was thinking of paying for a hotel. All 3 sisters have a spare room. They are empty nesters. No invite from them. I feel it is too much work for my parents to have people overnight. No extra beds, would have to sleep on a shitty couch.

No. Is it possible to stay overnight and have 30 minutes on each day?