My mother and father both came from large families. My mom was the oldest of 8 and died just two weeks ago. Talk about a blow. She was diagnosed with her third round of cancer (beat two) only 5.5 weeks before hand. I traveled back to be with her (I live across country) and immediately her brothers and sisters started in on me. She was clearly dying and they were telling me how wonderful their relationship was with her and how she lit up when they visited. She was rude and horrible to me, telling me I was wasting money and to go home. I know that was the disease and meds talking but dang it hurt.
After she had a stroke and her kidneys failed, we were told hospice would be the best for her. My father and I made that decision after seeing her having to be restrained to stop from hurting herself. She was in horrible pain, out of her head, and screaming for me to stop people from hurting her. I remained strong for my dad but I will never forget that.
My mother's brother (we'll call him Steve) and sister (we'll say Tammy) wanted to be a part of the decision making. However, I refused and said the decision was my father's and that I was simply going to ensure he was okay making such decisions. When we returned to her room and I spoke to the brothers and sisters, Steve and Tammy told me I was being selfish and cruel to move her from the hospital to a hospice facility. They said I didn't love her and that I was going to cause her pain. I realize they were hurting but it really stung given that Steve said something similar to my mom when their mother passed away back in the 1980s.
At the funeral Steve refused to speak to me and shot me dirty looks at the pictures I chose for the video. He told my father that the obituary was poorly written and that I had been rude to him.
I spoke to my father about maybe moving across country to live with me. I could use his looking after me and of course vice versa. Steve, Tammy, and the rest have told me I am horrible for suggesting that. They said they will take him on and that I should quit my job to care for him full time. I'm not married. I have no children. I can't just quit my job and become a nurse. My aunt told me to get a job as a cashier and that would be better for my dad.
My father wants to try to live alone. He will for the next three months and then he's coming to visit me for 2-3 months. I told him we will see where we both are then and see if we can make it work. However, I again feel like this is between him and me, not his in-laws who are really making me angry.
I don't know how to cope with this. My father is going to be depending on these people for rides to the doctors he sees and small things. I will be managing his life the best I can from a distance. However, they want him to sign over power of attorney to them instead of me. They said they want to care for him and "will let me know" if I need to know anything. I have barely had time to react to my mother's death because I am on the defensive about these people.
Tammy basically told me the day of the funeral that my mother was like a mother to them and I would not ever understand their grief. I didn't realize it was a contest. I didn't realize I had seven new siblings when I was an only child. Tammy ran around the funeral checking on each of them and hugging them. She came up to me and asked if my dad was okay and if he was joining them for lunch. They are texting me to ask about dad but none have yet to ask about me or offer me any condolences. I don't know what to do at this point.
Do I insist Dad moves?
Do I let them take over his life and push me out?
Do I ignore them and continue to care for him long distance?
How do I figure out how to grieve and not go off on these awful people?
Your Father's decisions should be in his own hands. Let him know that you will support whatever decisions he wishes to make.
Speak as little as you are able to the other members of the family you don't care for. You will be soon enough back home and shed of them.
I am very sorry for your loss of your Mom.
From what you're saying, I think you're pretty much handling everything perfectly.
The behavior of your mother's siblings is absolutely disgusting. They are the ones who should be ashamed of themselves. Certainly not you or your father.
Do these shallow, selfish, petty POS's even realize that their late sister leaves a grieving adult child and a widower husband? No they don't because this is how selfish narcissists grieve.
Your bond with your mother is stronger than the sisters and brothers one.
Your father's bond with his wife it too. There's a reason why the words, 'let no man put asunder' is part of a marriage ceremony. Many times even when there has been divorce that bond between the two people is still there. I was divorced twice and the bond I had with both of them was never really severed. I helped care for my first husband when he was sick until he passed himself. We were divorced and I was remarried.
Your father was not divorced and he just lost his wife who suffered tremendously and fought hard. Her siblings should have some respect for her memory, her widower husband, and her child.
If these were my aunt and uncle I would promptly tell them to go pound sand.
It would probably be best if you tried to convince your father to move. He doesn't have to live with you he can move into a senior community near you if he still wants to be on his own. I would not leave him to be dependent on people like 'Tammy' and 'Steve'. I hope both you and your father tell 'Tammy' and 'Steve' to stick it where the sun don't shine.
you're a good, kind person. keep following your gut.
and, i also want to re-post this quote i posted:
"Some of the most poisonous people
come disguised as friends and family."
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have a great easter!! ❤️🙂
breathe in the good.
exhale the bad, the stress.
I like one of the other poster’s idea of moving Dad near you even if it’s in independent or AL , if he doesn’t want to or can’t live with you . I like your idea of telling Dad it would be helpful to you if he lived closer to you.
I would not leave him near these relatives since you say Dads ability to live alone is short lived anyway .
Whether these relatives are simply controlling type , looking for your Dad to pay them , or whatever . I don’t trust them based on how they treat you because you don’t participate in this strange controlling family dynamic .
So sorry for your loss and that you have had to deal with these insensitive relatives
At this time the plan is for me to give him the next two months(ish) to try it out. When he comes to visit me, I intend to speak with him more in-depth and consider our options. My own health is not the best. I have considered telling him that I need his help and assistance to make him feel more useful.
He is a good man and works hard to live a good life. He's not what you would consider a very smart man. He is not able to understand technology (I'm talking washing machine, dishwasher, microwave, etc.). I've spent this time practicing with him so that he can better use these tools to live. But I'm not sure he can sustain.
In terms of money, he has enough to be comfortable. However, he's not a rich man by any means. He is more well off than my a few of aunts and uncles. Their comments to me are that he "always dreamed of moving back to where he lives now and moving away would kill him" and "he only knows you there and that would be too hard." I'm not sure who asked for their opinions but they certainly have them.
I know that my parents love(d) me and I am secure in that. Many years ago I quit going to family events that included the extended family. It was just too hard for me to deal with comments about me getting advanced degrees and not being married. I could deal with a few one on one, but never in the large group. I was instantly relegated to being a child and not respected because I was not married and did not have children. It seemed to be a theme. My mother recognized this and agreed that I should take a step back. For example, I would send a gift for a wedding or baby shower but would not attend.
When I was offered my job across the country, my aunts and uncles called and made comments to me that I was horrible for considering it. My parents were more than supportive. They visited twice a year and my mom was quick to brag about my accomplishments to her friends.
In terms of her siblings, they have a history of wanting to be in control. My mother was the same way. While I viewed her "control" as a loving gesture, their behavior has me on edge. When my mother's mother died the family had a huge fight and split apart for many years. My mother was a forgive and forget type of person. She never brought up issues after they had passed. I am the opposite.
I read everything in your posting and your profile. I have a question for you. You state in your profile that your dad has Alzheimer’s disease but you don’t mention that in your post. Does he have dementia?
Your aunts and uncles are overstepping their boundaries. I don’t doubt that they are grieving their loss of their sister but that doesn’t excuse their behavior.
You are grieving too. They seem to be disqualifying your emotions because you don’t live nearby. That certainly isn’t fair.
Families aren’t like they were a long time ago. They don’t always live in close proximity anymore. People move to different parts of the country for various reasons, especially in today’s job market.
Just because you don’t live close to your family doesn’t mean that you aren’t grieving. I’m sorry that your mom said those hurtful things to you. I admire the grace that you showed to her and your father. That speaks volumes about your character.
You deserve to be treated with respect from your aunts and uncles. I am truly sorry that they do not realize how they are behaving. Chalk it up to ignorance.
It’s your decision how involved you wish to be with your father’s care. In my opinion, your aunts and uncles should step aside and support your decisions regarding your dad’s care. I don’t feel that your extended family should be pressuring him or you in any way, shape or form.
Best wishes to you and your father.
I'm trying to remember her at the better times and not how sick she was those last few days. I know that she would be disappointed in them for essentially disregarding my grief for whatever reason. Had it happened with one of her sisters or brothers, she would have been holding their children up and offering them stories or memories from the past.
I hope that their intentions are better than I assume. My dad needs their support not their manipulation. As I told him, he is free to make decisions on his own and include them or disclude them as he sees fit. My feelings about them shouldn't stand in the way. I don't want to come home to visit or see him and feel like I'm intruding.
I'm hopeful the signs that mom saw regarding dementia were stress related and that he is ready to step up to the plate. As I told him, I am physically going back but I am here for him and will do what needs doing. I just need him to be honest with me about what he needs. He's never lived alone, having gone from his parents to married life for over 50 years. I know this is an adjustment. There are no easy answers for any of it.
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