I've been taking care of my 92 year old mom for six years now. She's nearly blind from macular degeneration and has severe short term memory loss. I quit my job and moved home to care for her because I was the closest. I just didn't think I'd be doing this alone for so long. On top of that, one of my brothers moved home because he couldn't manage his money. He lives in the basement. He did get a full time job but he pays no rent here. He says he's paying off his credit card debt. I thought he'd be out in his own place but it's been almost three years now and he's still here. He helps some around the house but very little direct care to my mom. He also drinks and smokes and spends a lot of his off time in the garage watching videos on his phone. The trouble is, he's always lived off my mom's money even when he lived in another state. For years he would hit her up for money for rent or this or that. I would like him to help more with my mom but I'm seeing that he's probably not cable of it. So, I have a lot of anger toward him. And my mom for not saying no to him all those years.
Then, I have a brother in Florida and a brother in Wisconsin. They call and visit but that's about it. I think they just assume mom will be fine as long as I'm there. I've expressed several times to both of them I'm burned out and tired of care giving. I think they are sympathetic but that's about it. They are also worried if she's in a nursing place they will burn through her money, take the house lock stock and barrel. I know that happens a lot. But my view is, it's her money and it should go to her care. I think the real fear is my brothers are counting on money from the house and my mom's stock money after she passes. This has made me very cynical about family.
I've wanted to put my mom in a nursing facility because I think she needs the community. Also, I'm tired and my mental health is in the crapper. But she doesn't want to go and my brothers don't want her there either.
I do have some home health care helpers coming in twice a week to help her shower and take a trip about town. But it's not enough any more.
I also need to return to work of some sort. I've not worked for six years and collected no SS. I tried to apply for compensation from the state but they said my mom had too much money.
I don't see any help forth coming from my brothers so I know I have to accept that. But, man, I am just mad as hell. I'm nearing 60 and I just did not think I would be in this kind of situation. I'm often depressed and angry and sometimes suicidal. Fortunately, I do see a counselor once a week at the regional mental health clinic run by the state. I am grateful for that. I also have a good friend from my college years I stay in close contact with. He's been there for me when I need to vent.
Still, I would like to hear from others who have struggled with caregiving. I know I'm not alone and it's why I'm reaching out.
Thanks
Use your anger and resentment as moving forces to seek change. It will be a beneficial way to put negative emotions to good use!
Your situation as it is is unsustainable. It really is, and you owe it to yourself and to your mom to change it. When I say to your mom I mean that I am very sure that if she really could understand how badly you are hurting and more so, how badly you are hurting your future ( I don’t think I would count on any of your brothers to help you in your golden years when you are out of energy and resources), your mom would not want that for you. Be sure of that.
Im nor suggesting to move her to a NH necessarily, but you do need to have a family meeting, Skype works, to establish that new caregiving arrangements need to be put in place. Beforehand I’d do the necessary homework and find out what is feasible and available. I agree you could seek payment for your “caregiving services”, but I believe the most important aspect now is your mental and physical health, so you need to stop this routine that is taking life out of you and start breathing little.
I think you should look for a job not so much for the money but for the interaction with others, getting out of the house, getting dressed, feeling independent and having a life of your own. But obviously other caregiving arrangements need to be made beforehand, that is what I believe you should focus on right now, and I say ‘you’ because your brothers won’t care to look I don’t think. When you have gathered different ideas and options then have the family meeting and let them know that things will change and these are the options.
But really do it Brat, because too many times we find ourselves trapped in a situation that is killing us but we don’t do anything to change it, when we actually can change it. So many other times and so many other people really have no choice, but you sound like you do! It is just a matter of taking the first step. You will still be there for your mom, but you need to have some sort of independent life. We all need that Brad.
Remember you owe it to yourself and to your mom.
A hug and best wishes for strength and determination!
1st thing you should do is see a lawyer that can draw up a caregiver contract and start getting paid for the work you do to keep mom at home. It is not okay that you are giving up income and your retirement to maintain her false independence.
2nd thing is find out how to evict your brother or force him to pay his way. What a mooch.
This is your life and everyone but you is running it, time to change that.
If you don't want to stay and get paid and paid well, 24/7/365 care runs anywhere from 12k to 20k monthly. Then give notice that after 6 years it's someone else's turn. If you do the caregiving contract be sure it has no effect on your inheritance and use a payroll agency that will pay you and bill moms estate, this will ensure you are protected and getting your SS and Medicare matched.
Stay strong and implement changes for you, your family has already proven where they stand.
Set a date. Inform mom and brothers that you will be moving out as of August 1. Find an apartment or arrange to stay with a friend. Apply for jobs.
One step at a time.