How do I explain stress from caregiving to friends?

You cant explain stress to them when they're not going through the same things as you are. My own family watched me do everything myself and would criticize if Mom had a stain on her clothing or if her hair didnt look good. And people that are not going through what you are will never understand it..sorry to say. I would challenge you to find someone that is understanding and caring and talk to them about it. Sometimes you have to let it all out to someone!

So if it is a friend...I would say sit & talk about it with them. Communication on these topics are are a Must. You will feel good having to chance to speak & a well deserved chance to unload a bit, and they'll be Enlightened. Isn't that what friends are for?

I hope you have more than one friend...because this person is clearly clueless...maybe someone without much of an investment in any relationship? She may not be a friend if she can't get it. Being in a nursing home does not relieve our caring about others, and while some stresses may be relieved, others replace them, maybe even more so because people can't be there and watch 24/7. Not to mention that both dementia and Alzheimer's ARE illnesses. I am the least likely to endorse support groups, but I have benefited from one sponsored by the Alzheimer's Assn....find one and you will be among friends:-)

Had mom for 10 years. At first when I asked, I would say it's very stressful. But through the years, I said nothing. If a person hasn't ever been a caregiver to the aged, they just don't understand. I had a friend who once said to me, she had put her mom in a home as she wouldn't ever go through what I did. She said the things she liked took up a lot of her time. So without ever saying it, I thought too bad your mom isn't something you like. But really, if she knew her limits who am I to say how that would of went. Praying for you. Hope you have some help.

People are often egocentric and can't really understand unless they have been there. And even if they have with one, not all experience two parents declining at the same time....one plus one is five:) This kind of reminds me of when I had just given birth to my first child and a co-worker/friend asked me what I did all day at home. Haha! Your friend needs to try to understand that Alzheimer's and Vascular Dementia ARE very difficult illnesses. What is more important is for you to find ways to diffuse the stress you are experiencing. I found physical activity helped a lot. As tired as I felt, burning off steam through a little exercise was good for me. Perhaps you should find a support group comprised of people who do understand that you can meet with on a regular basis.

I am an only child with dad in a memory care home with advanced dementia, and mom at her own home alone (nearby), and doing "so so". They have become my hobby and/or my second job. I am 51 - most of my friends parents' are still independent and living several states away, or, are being cared for by another family member or members. I get some sympathy but most of my friends are off enjoying weekends and holidays, and advancing their careers, while I am becoming mostly stagnant. I am the "logistics" person now, my days are consumed with my to-do list and waiting for the phone to ring with a calamity of one sort or another. NOT where I thought I would be at this point in my life, and seeing no end to this level of responsibility (in fact, knowing it will only get WORSE).

Hi, Elsie (easier to call you that, hope you don't mind). You say your friend asks if your parents are ill, and you tell us that your mom has Alzheimer's and youd dad suffers from vascular dementia. So it seems that an appropriate answer might be, "yes, they are very ill!"

I would tell her that you don't want anything you're about to say to ruin your friendship, but if she thinks it will then she's not a friend.
If she says that she will always be your friend and nothing you say will change that, then go for it.

Yes, both my Mum (love that) and Dad are ill, not in the normal physical way, but mentally. They have _____ and until you have walked in my shoes you will never know the stress that this causes watching your parents leave you behind mentally and very soon physically. May I please have a Kleenex now?

It’s so hard! If you can find a caregivers support group, it could be so good for you. Those are the ones who understand the tiredness and the emotional stress. It’s also a process of grieving of the loss of your loved one as you knew them before. Other caregivers know how it is. Best wishes to you.

It it's any consolation, I have exactly the same problem with my redneck\trailer-trash family. I've completely put my life on hold in order to care for my parents because the system in this state is so skewed that it's immoral. And everyone we know treats me like I'm a total deadbeat for "sponging" off of my parents. And now, it has gotten so bad that we can't attend any function with our extended family without my getting raked over the coals by at least one or more family members.

Shes saying it because she doesn't understand the emotional attachment and she doesn't have to live with it .... If she is any sort of friend ask her to come and see what you have to go through ...maybe then she will change her mind

Two of my closest friends, who are very caring individuals have visited my mom twice since her Alzheimer's became severe enough to where she couldn't function on her own. When she lived with me they each came out and brought lunch and we were able to have pretty decent conversation with her. Once I had to move her into a board and care (because her condition had deteriorated), they visited separately and sat a little stunned I think, while my mom talked incoherently while trying to keep up with the conversation. They have not visited since.

I think it's very difficult for people who have not experienced this encroaching mental deterioration to know how to deal with this and I would agree that only those folks who are walking our same path can truly understand what we go through. I have other friends who have lost their moms to Alzheimer's and their comments and questions are totally different from those whose parents died from physical issues.

I am still in charge of so much of my mom's life, even though I am no longer involved in the physical day to day care, and the weight of watching my mom mentally fade away sometimes feels like a clamp around my heart. When she has a bad day and is angry or agitated, or begs to go home (she has been there almost 2 years) I walk away from the home feeling as though my energy has been totally
depleted. And I still have to function with my life so with time, I have learned to compartmentalize my two lives for my own mental and physical health.

In the book/movie, Still Alice, the protagonist who has early onset, comments that she wishes she had cancer because people would organize fundraisers and rally around her condition, while with a mental issue, people don't want to get too close. Losing oneself so totally is a scary thought and many people don't want to be reminded of the potential for that to happen to them. I don't know the nature of your friends, but perhaps fear is an issue. A support group and activities that put you in touch with other caregivers is probably your best course for true empathy. I organized a team and did a Walk Against Alzheimer's and was surrounded by many, many people who knew exactly how and what I felt because they were feeling it too.

You are not alone.

Easy answer. Don't bother to explain to friends. Unless they actually spent a lot of time with your parents, they don't understand and don't really care. I might sound callous, but until friends are in the same situation as you, they don't know what it's like.
Arlene Hutcheon

ELS1EL;WELL HELLO!! YOUR FRIEND IS NEVER EVER GOING TO UNDERSTAND....its hard but try not to let those people bother you they probly have NEVER EVER BEEN A CAREGIVER!!

Oh I get it. My father has been in assisted living near me for SEVEN years and either I or my husband or both of us have seen him nearly every day since. I have an alcoholic brother in another state who has absolutely nothing to do with him or me. So I am Dad's EVERYTHING. He has always been demanding and time consuming, but things have been particularly difficult the last several months. Dad, 92, was hospitalized repeatedly from Aug 8 to Oct. 31. Although he is now stable physically, the mental deterioration is very evident. He is hearing noises that wake him up at night and he can't go back to sleep. He claims the noise is in the heating system (no one else hears them) and wants the facility to replace the heating system! I am getting as many as 15 calls a day from him, and we have moved his furniture, at his command, 18 times trying to get away from the noise! His anxiety level is very high and, after I had several fits with his doctor, he was just placed on an antidepressant. Wed. morning I got a 5 am call that he couldn't breathe and he wanted to go to the emergency room. We did so and, after numerous tests, it was determined it was due to anxiety. We have been to numerous doctors and had all kinds of tests, if he doesn't refuse them, for his ears and brain to figure out what this noise he hears is. It is probably due to his severe hearing loss and the only real help would be hearing aides which he has and refuses to wear. But he insists the noise is real and is furious that nobody cares enough to fix it. To complicate matters, my daughter's husband had an affair and is divorcing her. She and her 2 toddler boys have moved in with us She is totally distraught and I am her support system. I care for her 2 boys while she works. My husband has to stay home and work and watch the boys (not an easy task) when I have to deal with Dad. I also have a son in another state who is seriously mentally ill, with no insurance, who has recently agreed to see a psychiatrist. We are paying $1200 a month for this psychiatrist. So, my life is a total train wreck and certainly not what I expected to be doing at 64 years old. Just last week I was venting to my husband's brother. His response? "Well, you know, he took care of you when you were a child. He's your Dad. God doesn't give you more than you can handle." This from a guy who never had any children and never took care of his parents or his wife's parents! I am still fuming! I need some empathy, not a slap on the wrist! So, Els1el, you are not alone. I would venture to guess that people who act like we are whiners have never ever had to care for an elderly parent. Therefore, they have no right to give advice!

You know when I abruptly had to leave my home and move in with my mother in another state than mine, I had so many people asking me "Are you crazy?," "Are you sure you can do this?" and other questions. My response was that I will do the caregiving of my mother because she was a sweet mother.❤❤

Most everyone here is right, imho.
This is a very difficult part of life emotionally, mentally, and spiritually - as ONLY those who have gone through it can attest, appreciate, understand, comprehend, and empathize.
Friends who have been supportive and helpful at other times/events in life may not be able to relate to this situation unless they've gone through it - and often not unless they've gone through your particular situation (how much you are involved and what duties you are doing).
I actually found only 1 person that I knew in my life had gone through something similar to me - I took care of (was the 24/7 nurse) my mother for the last 3 yrs of her life which included bathing, food and drink by hand, changing her diaper and managing her catheter, and moving from hospital bed to wheelchair for change of environment and fresh outdoor air.
The only other people I found that actually related were people in communities such as this online one (and others) who did something similar.

*Know* that there are others who have gone through what you are, and will continue to do so. Bless you for whatever you can do, and try not to become discouraged at the fact it's hard to find others we naturally know that have done the same. At the very least I'd recommend reading stories or posts by people who have done what you have to get that "common human connection" of relatability.

Huge hugs from me. Take good care of yourself in the process - stretching, eating well, supplements if you decide to do so (probiotics have been amazing for me), some exercise (even brisk walks), and connecting/talking with others who can understand/relate.

JT

She really has No earthly clue does she? I am a caregiver, I understand ☺

It is a shame of the lack of caring for us as caregivers. It really is a sacrificial job with the only reward is knowing you are doing right by your parents. I learned early in this journey that the thankfulness come from the people you are taking care of and not from siblings or friends. Keep going doing the right thing and in the end you will have the PEACE knowing you did what was right by taking care of your parents. I have a friend who helped me take care of my mother while she was alive while family lied and criticized me, so there was no direct communication with them because I did not need the stress. These are the decisions you have to make while you are being a caregiver. People who do not understand or cause you stress is not what is needed. Empathy and understanding is what is needed as you see and witness your parents age. So I suggest you evaluate those relationships and choose social gatherings from people who can help you and not cause you more stress. You do not need that as a caregiver. This job is stressful enough!! God Bless you for caring!!

Your friend doesn't have a dam clue! I had my mom in a nursing home for 3 months for rehab due to a fall but she is of very sound mind. To make it short I almost had a nervous breakdown. Two sisters living in the same town. One about 1 mile from the nursing home. It was pure stress and hell with the running & meetings. At first we all started out with sitting there for 6 hr shifts, then 4, then 3. When mom came home it was another circus. One day 6 times I had to drive into town to her house because of the chaos. So believe me I know your stress but I also know I did my part & I can walk with my head high. She is still with us, still on her own & the stress will continue. Best to you..Blessings

Many people are under the illusion that having a parent in a nursing home means you’re hands off and you’re free as a bird. WRONG. Besides the need to visit your parent “just because”, if you don’t go the staff learns that and in many situations your parent automatically takes a back burner to their care.

If you haven’t walked in these shoes, you just can’t get it.

They do not understand. They have not got to that stage in life .
I am sure if they had they would not say it.
i understand , I get it ! it’s hard and your strong !
not everyone will get “it” !
keep in touch that is why there is
thank s web site.
Big hugs

Everything I was going to say has already been said. It just can’t be explained unless you have been there or done that. I would say this person or anyone else that would be that careless with their words is not a true friend. Even my friends that have not been through what all I have (sitting in a hospital room with my 96 yr old father as I type this) but most have at least lost a parent, would never ever say that! I wouldn’t have them in my life if they did. I don’t need anymore stress! Let’s see how she feels when she needs help with something or someone and she gets no sympathy. Boy, I would hate to be the one she’s left behind in a nursing home for “others” to take care of. Good luck and God Bless

This is the best site, excellent advice because we are all at a different stage or have different problems plus all the support. You can complain all you want and we’ve got each other’s back. That’s what friends do.... no questions or doubts. I pray for all caregivers/caretakers everyday for wisdom, compassion and strength. Love to each of you...

Els1esL: You're welcome.

I so feel your pain! I am in virtually the exact same position the only difference is that my father is in the nursing facility and Mom is at home. To make matters worse, I have a twin brother that, other than coming for a visit now and then, does absolutely nothing to help. But it doesn't stop there.

My parents ran into some financial difficulties a number of years ago. They refinanced the house. So now there is a mortgage. The nursing home is taking all of Dad's SSI money and this does not leave enough to pay the house payments. We went from recieving around $1100 per month down to $135.50 per month. Now, we don't have enough money to buy gas to put in the car.

I truly believe that the money problems alone can exacerbate the stress one hundred fold.

Oh, I identify with your stress! I went to see my dad everyday in the nursing home. It is not easy to watch your parents decline. It tears at your heartstrings! I think it is the feeling of being helpless to do anything that really describes our sadness. The one thing we can do is ask God to help them in whatever way they need help, and then we lay our burden in His hands. We don’t bear it by ourselves.

please take care, and we share your burden!

Caregiversister

I have similar challenges. My 92 year old mom is in assisted living, and I do everything for her. Pay bills, buy groceries, take her to doctor's appointments and church, shopping. I have a brother who lives nearby but he is not interested in caregiving. So I'm on my own. It's a heavy burden. Many of my friends haven't been a caregiver. The truth is, they cannot fully sympathize with me until they have to go through it themselves. I know that's not very comforting, but what I have experienced is a newfound empathy with others who I see taking care of their parents. When my eyes meet theirs, we feel a connection. I smile, they understand. It might help to try to make friends with some people who are either caregivers or who have been in the past. It helps to hear others feel the same way. That's what I enjoy about the Aging Care blog.

It almost sounds like a "friend" who is just hearing about your situation, and/or maybe she has never "entered into" this type of issue in her own life yet, so she's really is just, ignorant of the experiences a "care giver" has...which you still are, to some degree, even though they do not live with you. You have that mental, and emotional bond with them, and feel responsible for their welfare. Your situation could be her first introduction to it all, so try not to jump out of your skin at her. Consider her ignorance as opportunities for "teaching moments" in her life. She'll have to (more than likely) deal with it to some degree, at some point, and she'll draw from what you had shared. Sometimes, just sharing with this type of person, can even be therapeutic. They learn while you can vent. - Candylee57

It's like explaining alternate side of the street parking to a cranberry.