How do I forgive a narcissistic parent?

Kryder4, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. My N mom is 90 and as insufferable as ever. I have endured physical and emotional abuse from her all my life, and it continues to this day. Here's what I have learned over the course of my 54 years (22 spent in therapy): It's okay not to forgive your abuser. You can move forward in life with peace and acceptance of what is and make your healing journey even if you don't forgive. I've forgiven myself for all the years I spent stewing about how badly my mother treats me, and now I've moved on to acceptance. When I see her and she starts in on me, I call her out on it, voice how I feel, and push on to something else or leave/hang up the phone. I don't let her live in my head anymore. I accept her as she is and protect myself at all costs, which is what you seem to have done by going no contact. Be good to yourself and don't pressure yourself to feel forgiveness if you're not ready. You may never be.

Forgiveness is hard. I don't think many of us can come to forgiveness without help. Is it any wonder that Jesus talked about faith and asking God for help right after talking about forgiveness? The few times in my life that full forgiveness came out of me, the power came from God. It was quite unexpected and shocked me. In one instance when my hurt was so bad I went to God daily with my troubles. Day after day I complained to God (yes you can do that). One day suddenly I felt forgiveness for the other person come over me. I didn't need to try, or to do it, or to fake it. It was a gift. Since then I believe forgiveness comes from God when our hearts seek him in our trouble. He forgives us, yes. But he also gives us the power to forgive. Doesn't it make sense that it comes from Him alone?

I think perhaps without realizing it -- it is yourself you have to forgive for the anger you feel and still feel toward your mother. You cannot wish away that anger and resentment and you cannot "forgive" her until you go through that journey of reconciling yourself to that real pain and real abuse that you suffered. After all she put you through you did not abandon her - that speaks volumes for the good person that you are...

Listen to me: YOU DID NOT CAUSE HER PAIN OR HER GRIEF OR HER ILLNESSES. You are innocent. My advice is to find a therapist - keep trying. A good one is hard to find. You also might want to pick up a book - I found this one helpful: The Narcissist Family Diagnosis and Treatment by Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert M. Pressman.

Here's a quote: "..needs of the parent... take precedence over needs of the children" - you know that already - but here's another bit: "..over time children learn that their feelings are of little or of negative value....they feel responsible.. to.. correct the situation... they fail to learn how to know what they feel.."

I hope I am not overstepping - and obviously I can't really know how to help. My instinct tells me that it is not your mother you need to forgive - at least not yet - it is yourself. That is what narcissistic parents do unwittingly to their children - they make us feel responsible for their pain. We are not. We were but innocent children.

Hope this helps. Hang in there, you are not alone. I feel for you.

Kryder the fact that you seek help with your feelings is, in itself, a sign of mental health so that's a positive. Barb in Brooklyn shared great wisdom, as did everyone else. I just want to add a little idea that's helped in the past: write your mom a letter and tell her everything you ever wanted to say to her. Take your time, write it over many days in short increments, or on one long night with a glass of wine, but be shameless and honest with what you say. You don't have to worry about anyone's feelings but yours- and that can be very therapeutic.

BarbB and Golden, waking up to your exchange here, in response to Kryder4’s question -- all felt like exactly the struggle I’m having. I am increasingly frozen and unable, like you folks, to be steady to the end, in displaying a higher way of caring to my poor, long-suffering, wife-abused 96-year-old Dad. The operative word is “frozen,” not unforgiving, not hostile. Just numb and can’t move. Overwhelmed with feelings, that erupted again, finely felt, considered, cried over, distracted from.
When I read your exchange, it seemed to shoot right at my current Therapy Crux: Do I apply Mindfulness to get through this rough patch, or do I yield to my never-ending, tortured (sorry to sound so dramatic) knots of existence. Money wise and on the stage of life, Mindfulness always works. But I literally am sick and nauseous working through the latest knots, which are like those unwanted weeds with a lifeforce that won’t die, won’t resolve. I think the psychologists call it “introjection.” I experience it as cataclysmic plate tectonics that pull me, helplessly, into “complicated grief” and bottomless sorrow, wrestling with ghosts.
For decades, I worked so very hard to detach, to distance myself, to do boundaries, to be “Distance Caregiver.” It’s not working right now. It worked in the past. Lately, it feels hollow and I’m resenting not being able to call it simply “burnout.” Recognizing burnout doesn’t help one bit.
I appreciate how Barb and Golden seemed to agree that semantics and cultural norms about forgiveness masked the depth that each of you have really gone through. Forgiveness seems to be a living baby whose separate existence is always a surprise.
I definitely use Mindfulness techniques (and rubber band out the negatives) as my daily tool. But can any of you relate to the sense that Mindfulness tools are useless, in the face of cataclysmic reaches from the grave of my tortured mother, the living death/slow declines of my loved ones, realizing the depths of love cannot be resolved? Wishing I didn’t have to respond to the lovely words and heart warmths you left this a.m. …

Forgive yourself first. You don't have to forgive her. People are who they are, as a good daughter that you are you were there. Some parents don't see their children at all. You are blessed to be a good person and a good daughter. Maybe she did something right gy you?

I know 2 sisters that had the same kind of narcissistic father...

I watched one sister completely let go of the past and watched her love and serve her father when he could no longer walk and had dementia.

The other sister harbored ill will and couldn't get past her childhood, or do anything at all to help.

The ill-will sister lives in the past constantly...she can't see her life or what's happening around her. She brings up her father like it happened yesterday and tells everyone she's a victim. There is no good there, at all. She's stuck. She's in a cycle of negativity...her heart is shut-down and no one can't reach her. It affects her family, friends, her husband and her children.

I asked her sister how she can be so loving after the horrible childhood...paraphrasing what I can from her responses:

'I love him, he's my father. Intellectually, I know he did the best he could...he also had a horrible childhood and didn't know how to stop the cycle, yet I did!...that understanding helps me to let go.'

'The past is the past, and there's nothing I can do about that now...I wouldn't be the person I am without the teacher my father was...I am not condoning his behavior at all, yet he showed how NOT to be, how NOT to act...I have this wonderful life that I created now! I only feel grateful for everything, even the shitty parts! It made me a better person...'

Where you always like this?
'I worked on this after I moved out of his house, it wasn't overnight...I just didn't want to feel that way...I wanted to work on it...'

Do you forgive him?
'Yes, I have now. I let go and gave it over. It was a process though...I did some writing (and then burned it) and started a walking practice to help process it (sometimes I would break down and cry--and then went on with the day)...I read books from the library about forgiveness, healing, etc...Most of all, I saw how my sister was, stuck. I didn't want that. I feel to live free and in the present moment...'

'I have detachment with compassion for him now, as I would for anyone who was alone and in pain like that...I stay in the present moment because I realize that's really all we have, the past is done and I know I will not have to experience that again, not from anyone.'

'I made a choice to let it go and move on to the next chapter of my life. It doesn't have any power over me anymore...'

---------------------------------

So what do I think? That it's a choice to heal from our experiences. And if you choose to do so, do it in any way you see fit.

I hope you receive some benefit from reading this...
All the best to you, and your healing~

If you do not let this go she still has a "hold over you"
She is who she was. Nothing would have changed that.
To forgive her and realize that that was her personality will release you from her.
If you just accept that this was the way she was and probably the way she always had been it might be easier for you to forgive her.
Think about what she did do for you, probably unintentionally ...
She raised a stronger woman than she was.
She raised a more independent woman than she was.
She raised a woman that would mature the way she never did.
These are things that she probably envied in you and that probably bothered her more than you realize. And that may have been one of the reasons she acted the way she did.
So thank her for your independence and strength this will enable you to forgive her

KRYDER4,

You are looking for an answer to magically change the way you feel, and I wish that was possible. Truth is, that answer is within you and only you.

Once, I spoke with a priest (I’m catholic) and told him there was something I had confessed -several times actually-, but I kept feeling as if it was still a huge burden in my conscience, therefore I kept confessing it! (confession for us Catholics consists in talking to a priest and telling him about our sins as a mean to obtain forgiveness..somewhat like a cleansing :) So, he told me this, which is so simple, yet so true:

“Then, it’s not God who needs to forgive you because He did the first time around, and He knows your heart. It is YOU who needs to forgive yourself”.

Those words were the biggest enlightenment for me. And I think my dear fellow victim of narcissism, that who you need to forgive is also yourself more so than your mom. Because the core reason why you can’t get over this is called GUILT.

I’ll also share something else that has helped me. As I’m caregiving for my mom, I often think that because I know myself, when she one day is not with me, I’ll feel SO guilty that I’ll even feel as if I killed her!...seriously, my guilt is that bad, but why is it that bad? Because my mom isn’t shy to remind me almost every day that she is in this stage of decrepitude because of all she has suffered for me...My brain and my heart have this encryption: I am the reason of my mom’s suffering and the cause. of her current state. Imagine that heavy weight in a heart!

Well, one day I was cooking and thinking about that, and a thought came to me: Yes, it is true, you’ve made mistakes in life. Yes, it is true that you have not always been the daughter you should have been (I lived overseas away from my mom after she got severely ill. She lived by herself); BUT, looking inside my conscience, realistically, aside from any opinion of her and even my own opinions....I AM DOING AS MUCH AS I CAN. THE BEST I CAN. That is true.
Trust me, that simple thought gave me peace. Why? Because it came from the most honest place within myself. I Know for a fact, realistically, I’m doing a lot for my mom, I love her, I care about her. I’m not perfect but I am trying by best.

Although you might immediately say to yourself: “But I didn’t do my best!! I should have done more!!!”...well, then take a seat, read your post. Read it calmly. This is only an small window you have opened to us of what you did for your mother and what your family life was.
YOU checked on her every week,
YOU called everyday,
YOU made sure she was in a safe place,
YOU found her when she fell down. YOU LOVED her, was it perfect love? No.
But trust me, it has much more merit to love and have loving actions towards someone that hurt us than to love a “normal” parent.

FORGIVE YOURSELF!!
LOVE YOURSELF!!
AND,
CARE ABOUT YOURSELF AS MUHC AS YOU DID ABOUT YOUR MOM 💕

As of your mom, you know this is true: She did what she knew to do. She couldn’t do anything differently because she simply didn’t know what or how. A personality (specially an ill one) is like our skin, we really cannot change the core of it..specially when we don’t realize we should try!
Yet, I truly believe that once you forgive yourself,  you’ll have forgiven your mom too...
God bless!

I feel for you. I have a similar parent situation and it has been very hard. I am also a therapist and I know how complicated parent relationships can be. They effect every aspect of our being because we internalize the messages they give us either verbally or non verbally. These messages can become unconscious and very destructive to our well being if we don’t face them and process them. This is very hard to do on your own because you can’t see what is going on while it is happening usually. SO...see a therapist and let them know what you want to work on, “ I want to work on the unconscious negative internalized messaged I got from my narcisistic mother which are making me very upset now that she is gone. And I want to be able to forgive and let go.”  Good luck and good healing.

You have to get past this or you will be miserable for the rest of your life. I would suggest getting some professional help!

Kyder4 I am sorry you had a bad mother. Why do you feel you need to forgive your mother? This is important. Do you feel like you can't move forward with forgiving her? And what are you forgiving her for, specifically? Probably you need to take time to deal with the loss of your mother and her exodus from your life, and what that means to you. Just because you don't, or can't, forgive a person doesn't mean that your life will be compromised. I think forgiving doesn't come "with the morning coffee", I think forgiving, or more importantly, accepting who someone is/was in your life is paramount. But this takes time, often years. Setting goals in your life and working toward them, then achieving them, is the best way to "forgive" your mother. As you are moving on, doing small and large things in your life, your life will take a gradual turn...you'll find yourself accepting who your mother was in your life and feeling better with that experience. Take your time and set goals 3 months out, 6 months out, 2 years out...stick to the goals and reassess at every achievement. BTW: you don't have to proclaim any of this to the world, or your family members. It's better to work privately, internally on yourself, thereby eliminating their critique.

I have strived to forgive my siblings because I thought I must to get peace of mind. However, the peace I longed for never came and I became frustrated and down on myself. I thought something was wrong with me or that must not really desire to forgive them but I did. I wanted to rid myself of the guild, blame and shame they put on me for both my mom and dad’s death.

I brought my mom across the country to live in hospice care w me bc my dad couldn’t take care of her at 84. She had lung cancer for 5 years and several chemo treatments, it spread to her liver and spleen and treatment was no longer an option. She was falling 1-2 times a day and thank God never got tragically injured. My siblings were too busy and wouldn’t do anything to help but they thought her coming to live w me was good. My brother wanted her in a home but they had no insurance, no money and no end of life plans. My mom refused a nursing home. One sister lived close to dad and was upset w him for childhood issues and wrote him off. The other two were also out of state but closer to him than I was and they also write him off. None of them visited my mom while she was with me and within 6 weeks she passed. My brother doesn’t work and has grown children and a lot of money (the wife works) and still couldn’t come. They were outraged and blamed me for “stealing” her away and causing it by putting her in hospice care! No one showed for the funeral or her last days of active dying. My dad came on his own despite the fact that he shouldn’t have been alone. None of her children came for funeral services. They didn’t speak to me after that.

When my dad got to weak to be alone it took several weeks of contacting them before they would speak to me for my dad. We agreed on some arrangements but they wanted him to be a ward of the state they didn’t want to do anything. I was reeling over the effects of my mom and with my own family couldn’t take my dad in. They dropped the ball on a number of things and there was only so much I could do alone and from a distance. For my own sanity I had to detach. I got him settled in a home he could pay for and had to let the rest go. I told them I could not do it alone any longer. All I got back was hate and accusations about killing my mom, stealing and keeping her from everyone. I wasn’t going to set myself up again with them and my own family was suffering bc this was such a drain on us. I loved my dad and was shocked that they were so cold. But I shouldn’t have been I guess I wished they learned something from what happened w my mom that we could do it different this time. Anyways, I had to let it go and in so doing changed my number although my husband kept his number and they could reach me through other relatives, email, US Post. Well turns out that 6 months later I got a letter from his union that he passed, 5 months previous. My siblings knew and didn’t bother to notify me. I tried contacted them numerous times to no avail. As far as a I know there was no service and I have no idea what happed to his remains. When we buried my mom we bought a space next to her for my dad. I left messages for my siblings about this but got no response. I have beat myself up over this and strive to forgive them to help me find peace but I haven’t been able to. The best advice I have found it is here as well is to stop dwelling on it. When I stopped dwelling on it is when I found peace. That didn’t happen in a day, it was over months. I used to think that dwelling on it made my hurt valid and my love for my dad more meaningful but it only robbed me of my peace for the day. This was a hard place for me to get to and I realized I had to forgive myself for my choice to choose my husband and children over that mess last year. I feel like an orphan in that my siblings and parents are out of my life but every day I have to choose the present and not the past so I seek to give up striving for something that isn’t there today.

I also grew up with a narcissistic mother. She is still alive and in an Alzheimer’s unit. Had to finally stop seeing her several years ago. I manage her care and finances from a distance. I have this to say about forgiveness: Forgiving is a whole other thing than forgetting and forgiveness is not something that happens all at once. Don’t expect it to. It seems like everyday I remember something that she said or did that hurt me. The process of forgiveness begins again. I let her hurt me for over 50 years. It may take 50 more to finally get through it. The place to start is with you. Forgive yourself for allowing her to get you to believe the things she said to you and about you. The things she did to you. Once you get that done you can begin forgiving her. Just remember - forgiveness does not mean forgetting. At some point you will begin to realize - it gets a little better each time you forgive her for something. I love my mother too - I just never liked her very much. I wish the best on this journey - and it is a journey. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Much love and light.

Advise is easier said then done. What I read is that no matter her shortcomings, you loved her very much and made sure she was safe. She was blessed to have you in her life and you seem to have turned out to be great person and wanting to still forgive her is a person with a big heart. Even though she is gone, she's your mom and she knows you want to forgive her and you have forgiven her by just writing and asking advise/thoughts from others.

My heart goes out to you. You have said that you love your mother. I believe you have already extended her forgiveness, and it is perhaps pain from which you are seeking relief. Pain is not something that can be turned off like a switch. As you mention in your second post, this is all very complicated. You are working your way through quite a lot of trauma and the process is not simple. Be gentle with yourself and your expectations of your healing process. Know that it is not linear,nor once and done. Extend yourself the same love you extend to others. I’ll be holding you in my thoughts.

My mother is the same. It has taken me a long time to get to forgiveness that brought me peace. You need a therapist. I was emotionally enmeshed with my mom. Therapy and learning about it helped me untangle that. I still had triggers that made me lash out inappropriately. I had PTSD and used EMDR therapy. I was shocked that I had PTSD from a childhood that wasn't really, really awful (yours is more directly attacking). I am literally a new person.

Kryder4,

Sorry to learn of the emotional pain your mother caused you, and that the mother you loved has passed. One of my siblings is a narcissist, so I totally relate what you experienced with your mother.

On now to your question of forgiveness: You were an awesome daughter to endure the emotional battering for your mothers sake, which is a sign of forgiveness in itself. So, is it really about forgiveness, or are you feeling the anguish of guilt feelings? Or, are you feeling the pain of 'thinking' you have not forgiven her, but really have?

The next time you're overwhelmed by the emotional aftermath, sit down and search your heart to determine the source of the emotions. You may discover you already have forgiven your mom, but are confusing that with forgiving yourself of the guilt feelings. So which emotion is it? Guilt, or the need to forgive? Maybe a combination of the two?

If you have already forgiven your mother:
But, if you didn't have the opportunity to tell her, and to ask her to also forgive you, then it may be a step you need to accomplish. Although she is no longer in our realm, you can still accomplish that. I don't know your faith, but if you believe you're a created being, then ask our Creator to let your mother know you forgive her, and that you love her - regardless of the emotional pain caused by her emotional challenges. You should feel better after releasing your message to our Creator to deliver for you. Then you need to also address if you have forgiven yourself, which moves us on to addressing guilt.

If you're experiencing guilt:
Guilt would be a normal emotion to experience given the emotional pain the narcissist places upon a person. You may have gotten over that type of guilt - it's false guilt based on her accusations, not based on an actual failure of your doing. Guilt is also a normal part of grieving. It's the questions that run through our head like, "If only I had done this or that, instead of this." Or, "If only she really knew I loved her!" Or it could be dozens of other questions in your head. Search your heart and see if you can determine what exactly is causing you to experience guilt, and move through those one by one.

CELEBRATE YOUR NEW LIFE!
In that you are not willing to wish ill upon anyone, you're already off to a great start to forgive your mother and yourself, and to move on in your life. Now is the time for you to CELEBRATE YOUR LIFE! Not that you're happy that your mother has passed, but now you no longer have the battering from her in the background. The more you celebrate your new life, the more you can 'thank' your mother for all the good that she did, and move past your guilt.

God bless you!

I recall reading long ago that holding a grudge (which is really just another way of saying not forgiving) "is like letting the other person occupy part of your brain rent-free". I like this and try my best to keep it in mind.

One word that hasn't come up in this discussion is the verb "excuse" (unless I missed it somewhere along the line). Forgiving and excusing are completely different things. If someone has wronged me, I believe I should be willing to forgive the person, but excusing the act or behavior is another matter--that is, if the act was done due to malice or gross stupidity then there is no value in pretending the perpetrator didn't have a choice in the matter. Mass shootings are in the news right now--the surviving victims and the families of those who were killed may choose to forgive the shooter, but they shouldn't pretend (nor should they be expected to pretend) the act itself wasn't deliberate and heinous (and warrants punishment prescribed by the law).

You only should forgive when you are asked for forgiveness, it sounds like your mother didnt and would never. Dont be so hard on yourself.

I love Treeartist's answer, if a spiritual framework works for you. Another serious recommendation I would make for you is to find a counselor that is covered by your insurance, and start seeing them regularly. Just having someone to talk to every week about processing your feelings will help. If you can, find someone who has experience with abusive situations, because even though all that is past, it shapes your worldview throughout your life. God bless you and good luck. Please come back here and let us know how you're doing!

My grandmother always said "I forgive, but I don't forget" I think she meant to learn from past and not hold a grudge.

I so feel your pain. How can you exspect to care for someone that never cared for you. Just be so glad you did not live inside her skin and have to be her. Our brains are all wired so differently and some bad things could have happened to her in her youth that helped contribute to her ways of being. Maybe she was a little bi-polar or something. But the lesson I think these kind of parents teach us is how we should be so different as not to hurt others, like our parents hurt us. We mostly all learn by watching others. Don't beat yourself up. Just think of all of the ways she taught you how not to be, by just watching her destructive ways. When you look at it that way I am sure you will find the forgiveness you seek. You are human and is so hurt our spirits when especially our parents hurt us so emotionally. ((((HUGS))))

I also have a Narcissistic pre dementia mother. She needs help and will not accept any help. I fear, like you there will have to be an accident before she lets anyone help. Its so selfish.
She wants everyone to butt out , but everyone should be at her beck and call. Everytime I speak to her its a nightmare lately. It always end up with me being told how horrible I am etc etc

Forgiveness is for YOU not her..If you can forgive you will find the resentment slip away. Forgiveness is not saying all the abuse is ok, forgiveness is the ONLY way you will ever have peace. Its not easy, there is a journey to forgiveness. It took me months. I am at a place now where I know my mom loves me, she is just so so broken she has no way of showing me, and I forgive her. Narcissists are operating with a broken brain, you'd never get angry at a man with a broken arm who didnt hold the door.

SHe was not capable of giving you what you needed and deserved, and that sucks, no 2 ways about it. But I swear forgiveness is the only route

This is a great discussion. I think jacobsonbob is spot-on in distinguishing between "forgiveness" and "excuse." "Forgiveness" does not mean pretending that your narcissistic parent did nothing wrong. That would be "cheap grace" (see Dietrich Bonhoeffer). If the mom did nothing wrong, there would be nothing to forgive.
What has helped me is to try to follow Jesus' example, when He said, "Father, forgive the, they know not what they do." Notice that Jesus did not say, "I'm totally fine with what you're doing" to those who were torturing and killing Him. Again -- if no harm, then nothing to forgive. So in my life, I try to say, "God, forgive So-and-So because she is acting out of her brokeness." Mind you, I may have put a healthy distance between myself and the person who harmed me, because forgiving does not necessarily mean that I can be in that person's ambit with safety. But at least I am trying to move past unproductive anger and bitterness (there is such a thing as productive anger). It's not easy! I say this as a person of Irish descent whose very Irish grandmother had grudges going back to 1912.

It seems as if you are suffering from trauma resulting from your childhood and all the successive years of abuse by your mother. As a licensed clinical social worker, I would suggest seeking out a therapist who specializes in trauma therapy, such as EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). Such a therapy can rewire the painful thoughts that have become stuck in your brain.

I had a father who, like your mother, was a narcissist and engaged in mentally abusive behavior toward my mom, sister, and me, our whole lives. We became enmeshed in his mental pathology, with my mother becoming the chief enabler. Long story, but when my mom became demented and my father asked me to take over as her medical power of attorney, as per my parents' wills/trust in which I was named as her successor medical POA, he also then betrayed me and lied to legal authorities in Tucson, AZ, where they lived, portraying me as having coerced him into handing over my mom's medical POA to me, as a mental abuser of himself, and as a meddler into his financial affairs-- all blatant lies that legal authorities, in particular an assistant atty general in Tucson, unquestionably believed.  And, on the basis of his lies about me, I was falsely threatened with criminal prosecution by the idiot assistant AG who is a bully and a head case herself, and effectively barred from my mom and was kept from her deathbed. As a result, I severed my relationship with my father and also went to counseling to get over my anger at his betrayal, etc. Through counseling, I gained a lot of perspectives about his mental illness and my family's dysfunction, but still hold anger and hatred toward my father. Initially, I felt that I should forgive for my own sake, not for my father's, and people told me that forgiveness is empowering. However, in doing a bit of reading, I've also learned that forgiveness that is done when your not ready is a sort of false forgiveness and won't make you feel better or empower you. I think this idea of forgiveness is a bit overplayed. It may be fine for some people, but for others it's not-- and that's OK not to forgive or feel like you have to.  I also read that there may never be a path to you being able to forgive the person who has wronged you. And, what I've learned is that this is also OK, and that it's not worth the time to force yourself into this path or force yourself into thinking you have to forgive.  I've accepted that I will never forgive my father, even though I know he was mentally ill, and will passionately and deeply hate him until my last breath. But, I no longer obsess about it, rarely think of him because he's not worth taking up  time and space in my brain and psyche, and have just gone on with my life, enjoying each moment that I have in my life, and being thankful for what I have, for my family and friends. Granted, I wasn't always in this place in my life, and it took me awhile to get to this place with the help of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).  So my advice is not to feel guilty about your mom and not being able to forgive her. Maybe you'll someday be able to forgive her, but maybe you never will be able to-- and that's OK.  Just live your life and don't waste your time with feeling guilty or thinking you have to forgive--it's not mandatory and it's not necessarily empowering. I also suggest that if your previous counseling hasn't helped you to move forward that you consider Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to help you gain perspectives. Along with my CBT, I also took a family dynamics class that helped me to better understand my family's dysfunction and the role my father's mental illness played in it. Living and putting up with a mentally ill person can mess up your life long-term and is mentally exhausting. But remember, life goes by quickly and you don't want to waste it on something you can't change. For your own mental wellness and enjoyment of life, don't worry about or feel guilty about not forgiving her. Allow yourself to feel however you feel about her without the guilt. I don't feel guilty about admitting that I passionately hate my father and am glad that he's gone now. Your mom was mentally ill, she was who she was, she manipulated, etc, but that doesn't mean that you have to waste your own life and mental energy trying to figure this and her all out-- because you never will figure her out. So, enjoy your life and forget about her and don't let her drag you into her cesspool. I understand what you're going through because I've been there. But, CBT and the family dynamics class really helped me to get on with my life and accept the situation. Best wishes to you as you navigate this.

I love y97yroldmom's wise response about "choosing". I personally believe it is "better" to choose to LET GO of the RESENTMENT attached the the narcissistic behavior. It helps to move forward without the weight the bad memories and the ill affects . Resentment weighs our mind and heart down and can blur our perspective for what is positive and encouraging at present.
Kryda4, give yourself a day and a few minutes of time to yell, scream, regroup, and refocus. You're not broken and you just may be stronger than you may think you are because you are not like your mother.

It depends what you believe forgiveness is. If you mean you think it absolves her for the horrible things she did, that may be very difficult to do. Does she really deserve to be absolved?

Honestly, people like that usually don't, but if you are looking for peace for yourself there a are a few things you can do.

I found writing a letter (even when an abusive parent never sees it) helps. I went through several drafts. When I made a final letter and read it to myself, it affirmed to me that it was never my fault my narcissistic parent abused me, and I could make a choice to stop it (in reality and in my mind) and let it go.

Self care has been very helpful for me as well. I have started new hobbies and reached out to new groups of people. It is rewarding making new friends and a helpful way to distract one to get outside one's mind and keep the past in the past. If you are a retiree, look into finding rewarding things to occupy your time. Volunteering or starting a fun side business come to mind.

If you try these things and other things people here have brought it, but it is still strong in your mind keep looking for outside help. Finding a counselor who actually *helps* can be tricky, but good ones do turn up. I've been through quite a few before finding one who clicked with me. It was a PITA, but so worth it! Group therapy is also a consideration. It can feel empowering finding other real-life people who have been through this.

I hope you find the answers you are looking for, and a sense of peace.

Awareness of your compassion comes before forgiveness I think. If you can build your awareness of her sickness and inability to be a better person to have cared for you, you may be able to grow a level of compassion for her sick soul and then move to a place of forgiveness.