How do I get judgemental people to see what we're really going through?

I don't think you are going to change their minds.

And I don't think you should stress out over their behavior. You can laugh when they say judge-y things and tell them that your father has your complete and loving support.

If you feel the need to offer an explanation I think you might try writing it down and practising - I would keep it brief, just how hard it has been to lose your mother and that you are all okay with the idea of allowing someone new to join the family. Unfortunately I think that you are just going to have to harden your heart against these friends of your mother's and cut them out of your lives, nothing you say to them is likely to change their feelings until they've had the opportunity to walk those proverbial miles in your shoes.

You know what the truth is. You know what's going on in your family and these women are not a part of your family. You are under no obligation to make them understand anything. Right now they're on the outside looking in. If you approach them with the intention of trying to get them to understand their place in your mom's life increases. You'll be bringing them into what's going on in your family. I hope you don't do that because you're not going to change them or their behavior and seeking them out to try to explain things is almost like asking for their blessing. You don't owe them anything.

Put everything you have written here in a letter to them. They do not deserve any explanations but I can tell you want to get those feelings out and express it to them. Once you do that, never let it cross your mind again. If they aren't helping on a daily basis with the life you are living on a daily basis, their judgments are not relevant in your life.

Continue as you have been with one major change. Stop letting what these women do or say bother you. I like Barb's suggestion of "tell them that your father has your complete and loving support". Then leave it at that, don't feed their viciousness.

Could it be that these women are, maybe, trying to help or show caring and compassion for your mom. Don't waste any more of your time or energy trying to figure these women out or understand their action. Take it as it is and leave it at that.

And know it s wonderful that dad has decided to let someone into his life. And more wonderful that you support him. And dad can manage this himself. You do not need to defend him.

A big part of this problem concerns your mother's friends perceptions of loyalty. They have such a strong reaction to your father's apparent disloyalty they are not able to take a step back and really look at what the situation truly is.

Marriage vows are "to death do us part". Legally and historically death has been physical. I have observed marriages survive decades long physical incapacitation and even some mental declines. In my young adulthood I knew two couples in the extended family where the husband recovered from a combat brain injury and had some problems for the remainder of his life, yet continued to function (including in family life) with help from his wife and extended family. I watched my own mother remain devoted to my father while his vascular dementia turned him into an aggressive and abusive s.o.b.; I had a hard time recognizing as the man who raised me. In my own mind, my father "died" when his brain and/or mental function no longer allowed him care about anyone else or how his words or blows wounded. I'm guessing that in your mind, a large part of your mother has also died. She just isn't the person you knew in childhood. We still love the pre-illness person and their personality, we still love the rimlets of that personality which continues on in the failing physical body. But we have already accepted a type of death and started mourning the person we knew even as the body still lives.

So now we come to a new reality. What is relationship loyalty when the physical destruction of the brain renders someone unable to continue functioning in a relationship, not just with their spouse but also with their children? Are we allowed to "replace" or fill that hole in our heart while the original owner still physically lives? There are no historical precedents and our churches are sure not addressing this dilemma either. (Although historically, "mental" incapacity is one church accepted justification for divorce.) My personal belief is I saw my parents' marriage effectively end when my father became unable to treat my mother with _any_ care or consideration; that's certainly the time frame when my close relationship with my father came to a complete end. Mom and I would continue to care about him and after his placement in MC we remained involved in his care and welfare. But the two way love and communication that defines a relationship was gone even as the physical body continued breathing. People who have not experienced this journey personally will have very little insight into how painful it is to love the breathing shell of what we remember our LO being.

In my mind, as long as your father's actions toward your mother remain same, then he is being loyal to her. As long as he sees to her care, visits her to confirm the level of care, visits enough that she does not feel abandoned, and treats her loving during those visits, then I believe your father is being loyal to the relationship (diminished by your mother's illness) that remains. Your mother's life now exists within the world of her LTC facility and within that world, your mother has a husband. Unless her friends tell her differently, she doesn't know about any other relationships within her family and isn't injured by them.

If your father has found a woman who is willing to accept his wife will always have first call on his loyalty and still offer companionship to both your father and his daughters, then I would not criticize. I admit to being religious and perhaps old fashioned enough to prefer your father's companion retain her own home during your mother's lifetime. I also think that would be a good protection for your young sister if the relationship doesn't last. But it is not any more disloyal to allow someone else to fill the holes your mother's illness has left than it would if your mother had physically died. Life goes on and there is never too much love in it.

Sorry, but your family simply CANNOT take as much as a moment to descend to this level of pettiness and self importance.
How blessed you are to have each other to love and encourage!
Continue as you are. You are a wonderful example to others who may look for reassurance as they begin to walk the path that you are walking.

That's a great, thoughtful response, TN!

I'd like to add that these friends have a set way of looking at relationships that you're not likely to change.

I remember trying to explain to my mother when I was getting divorced that it wasnt "the other woman" who was dictating stuff to my soon to be ex (mom thought she was telling ex not to pay certain bills so that she could have more money). Had to explain to mom that OW made more than my ex did! She couldn't wrap her head around that.

TN is exactly right: "Life goes on and there is never too much love in it."

You don't get them "to see" because they don't want to see regardless of whatever explanation you offer; it's the "yes...but..." syndrome. When someone says "yes... but" they want to hold onto their views. And the more explanation you offer, the more important they feel. Avoid giving judgmental people importance in your life. You cannot fix them, nor is it your job to fix how they feel.

Let your dad know that he has your full support and let your sister know that you love her and are happy your dad has found companionship. And I would make it a point of getting a great big happy picture of you, your dad and your sister into your mom's room. Not an old picture but rather a new one of you all looking happy and living life.

I just want to say what a great daughter. Usually, children don't even want parents to have new relationships after a death of one of them. You are a very mature 24 yr old. You recognize that there is more to people. The understand that the Dementia ur Mom has is one of the worst. It effects the emotional part of the brain.

Your parents are so young to have something like this. Your sister really does need a woman in her life right now. There are things a father just doesn't understand or can't explain. I think as long as this woman doesn't move in and the relationship is kept on the "downlow" its OK. Even though Mom is no longer the woman Dad married, he does have a responsibility to her. So she should come first.

Those women deserve none of your attention in this very difficult situation with your mother. But I do like that they are showing up to do things for your mother now. It's about time, even if it is in a way that is judgemental to your dad. So many people are not willing to step in to help with health issues. You know the truth and you are being loving and caring for your entire family, including the new woman in your father's life. You are all too young to close yourselves up. He is taking care of himself by opening up for more love, while taking care of your mother who is no longer there for him. It's no ones fault this has happened to your mother.

It is ok to say "I don't wish to discuss this at this time. It would be helpful if you can respect this right now".

Your entire family has been visited by a tragedy. The worst of this sort of tragedy is that, in fact, it DOES rob us of those we love and leave in their places someone we cannot recognize. Your father IS, in fact, replacing your mother because your mother is, for all practical purposes GONE now. You are giving her the most loving care you can and I thank GOD that no one has required you to sacrifice your life in a hopeless many decades long torture to your entire family. NONE of you deserve that and your mother would never have wanted that.
You will have to toughen up now. And you are right. No 11 year old should have to go through this and hear from these dreadful people, as well. You will have to learn that one half of the people in this world think they are here to JUDGE YOU. That will never change. They will always be here, at any point in your life. It is best to see them stretching out an arm and pointing to you. Do it now. Do you see that there are THREE fingers pointing back? Because they won't ever even notice that.
Some friends will be genuinely caring and curious about your feelings. If you don't wish to share them, don't. If you do, then do. And for the sake of all that's holy move forward with your lives the best you can. You two children have had to learn very early just how hard a wollop life can give us. My heart goes out to you and to your Dad, and to the wonderful woman who can see past all this and provide him with support and love. There may come a time he has to divorce even to be able to provide your Mom ongoing care by medicaid.
I have a friend who went to Tahoe with his young wife and two young sons. Early morning she took a walk and fell from a small cliff into the water. She was in a vegetative state until her death decades left. He had to go on, and he did go on, without her, because she was gone, even if her body was there. Life can be very cruel. And that is sad. PEOPLE can be very cruel; and THAT is on THEM. Not you.
Hugs! You keep on keeping on. If you are religious and they are saying vile things, just tell them you will pray for them, smile gently and move on. If you aren't religious (I am not) just smile and move on.

I really do not think you can ever explain your reality to someone on the outside. Someone who hasn't walked in your shoes and been through the nightmare of dementia and placement in long term care. Empathy is earned through scar tissue only.......not through explanations or letters or any other way.

As this horrible disease continues to ravage families, I think a cold hard look has to be taken at how spouses will survive after placement. Will they choose to get divorced so they can remarry? Or will they choose to stay married, in spite of the fact that their spouse is no longer able to actively participate in their lives? I vote for divorce, personally. Why should your father NOT move on with his life and get remarried so your sister can have another woman in her life, LEGALLY, who can give her the loving guidance your mom is no longer capable of?? Without, perhaps, the continuous judgment of the 'friends' and neighbors who can't and won't stop clucking their tongues over the injustice of it all. Nothing like righteous indignation to turn one's stomach, huh?

Your father would, of course, continue visiting your mother in LTC, as he's always done. He hasn't stopped LOVING her, he's just chosen to allow his life, and his children's lives, to move in another direction due to her incapacitating disease.

What is wrong with that? Not one doggone thing.

If your dad chooses to stay married to your mom and have another romantic relationship at the same time, I don't see the clucking tongues EVER stopping, frankly. If he takes that route, there's nothing wrong there either, it's just something you girls will have to learn to live with. And that's a lot easier said than done.

I think your dad needs to consider all of these factors and then make a decision accordingly, with YOUR input, of course. This is a family decision that affects ALL of you, not just him. In fact, you two girls are MORE affected by his decisions than HE is.

I wish you all the best as you travel this journey of life, and my condolences over the loss of the mom you once knew. I hate this disease with every ounce of my fiber. I'm sure you do too.

You'll never be able to make them understand. But I see no reason why they should continue to be included in your father's life, or your sister's. Let them go their own way, and ignore them. They don't need to understand or respect your family's choices. They just need to be put on mute.

Take a breath...and know that what OTHERS THINK...has NO bearing on, and is certainly no reflection of REALITY in a case like this!

I would like to say just ignore them...but I know that is easier said than done.

One thought just came to mind: I don't know if these people are religious, or not? If not, perhaps there is SOME type of group they are involved in, which has an overseer?

I was thinking that perhaps you could go to their Pastor, Ministor, Bishop, Priest, AA Leader or Lodge dude...and sit down to discuss the situation kindly with them. Explain some details, and take enough time to help her/him clearly understand that NOBODY outside of your immediate family could POSSIBLY have enough information, knowledge or experience to rightly cast judgement or speak one ill word of your Dad, or family.

Let him know WHO of his/her flock/association is offending, and ask if they can find a way to lovingly approach the problem with the offenders.

Whether he/she visits with them, individually...preaches his/her next sermon, lesson, or talk on the subject of judgement (hopefully using a strikingly similar example that is SURE to cause them to realize & regret their unkind words & actions toward your family! 😉)...or never says a word or does anything:

YOU can then wash your hands of it, knowing that you made a protective attempt to help the situation. And move on.

Good luck, and God Bless!

How do you stop people being ignorant, prejudiced and destructively partisan? No idea.

How does your father respond to the deeply unhelpful interjections you've described?

Does the hostility impact on the lady who is doing her best to support him and your little sister?

Getting new clothes and shoes for your mother IS a nice thing for them to do. Don't let your feelings about their less helpful contributions stop you acknowledging on your mother's - and your father's - behalf what is a useful, meaningful task undertaken; plus they're taking the trouble to get the right size, which is not nothing when you look at some of the peculiar things people in residential care are given to wear. Their motives - though I'm sure you're right that being snotty about your father is one of them, and not the least enjoyable either - matter less than that somebody has cared to get your mother some morale-boosting new clothes. Your mother will like it. That's good enough.

I don't think you should set out to talk to these people. If you encounter them and they say something ignorant, unkind, harsh, or even just mistaken, correct it but within bounds. You cannot hope to change closed minds, and a confrontation will simply make their attitudes more entrenched than ever. You'll just find yourself on their hit list and that's hardly going to make your father feel better.

Instead, stress that your father's ability to continue caring for his wife is greatly strengthened by the support he gets from his new relationship; and that after the turmoil and fear of the last few years a stable home structure is essential to your sister's wellbeing and sense of security. Why, do they have better ideas of how to achieve those important things?

It may be impossible for you to look at these people advocating a continuation of care at home for your mother without thinking "and where were you?" but don't even bother to voice it. "If we had done more to help at the time perhaps our friend wouldn't have had to move just yet" is about the last idea that will enter their heads.

God bless you for your devotion to ur family, 'Shortyhan'. You're fortunate that your family is 'close knit', & supportive of each other. I do hate the rude invasion of your privacy, by the 'friends' of mom. Sorry to say, it's unlikely those people would listen to reason, nor do they deserve any explanation from you.
It may help to send a representative, (to address the issue with those 'friends'), like a pastor, or social worker: who may have seen this before. Please update us if we can help more. Best wishes to ur family!

There are so many "Karen Karenson's" in the world, sticking their noses in where is doesn't belong or where they haven't bothered to help...but have a zillion opinions.   
Sadly, they will have their opinion, no matter what you say to them.   Going forward, the best thing you can say is, " I thank you for being concerned about my mother, but she is being well taken care of...good day".  If people are aggressive and harassing your father to the point that it is a disruption in his life and day to day duties...contact the local Police to pay them a visit.
People will think what they want no matter what, just know your family is taking care of her as best they can.

Shortyhan I am amazed at Your maturity and unselfishness for a Girl of only 24 years. You as a Family have done wonderful Caring for Your Mom at home for a few years while She is now in Care and all Her needs are being attended to. When I was young It used to bother me when nosey People commented negatively to or about me but I learned to ignore them like water off a ducks back. Judgemental People are negative, where as We need positivity in Our Lives. You as a Family are very cloce and that is very positive as unity will get You All this difficult time. Keep Your chin up and ignore the tongue waggers.

I am sorry that all of you have suffered. Life isn’t fair.

You are a wonderful daughter to your mom and your dad and a very loving big sister. It’s fantastic that you are understanding of your sister and your father. That doesn’t take away any love or respect for your mother. Your family didn’t choose these circumstances and people who have never walked in your shoes don’t have a clue.

You don’t have to explain yourselves to them. Say the bare minimum if you feel you must. Like you said, these women weren’t around when you needed them. Sort of makes one question their sincerity and if their concerns are genuine for your mom.

It kind of appears that they are using your mother’s condition to gather information because they are snooping. They must not have very fulfilling lives of their own.

I’m glad you like this new woman. She seems to be compatible with all of you. Your family’s relationship with her isn’t anyone else’s business.

I am going to go a bit off topic here and I hope you don't mind.
I am sort of surprised and pleased at the responses I have read so for.
For one reason.
I am wondering if the responses would be the same had your Dad posted the same question. I have read other comments in other posts when the subject of sex comes up, dating when your spouse or SO is ill, in a facility, has dementia or any other life altering condition. I get the feeling that most people want the spouse to "remain true" to the vows that were taken and just "suck it up" so to speak.

Anyway to your post.
Ignore them. I hope your dad and sister can also ignore them.
Your dad, if he wishes can put restrictions on visitors so if there are people that are nasty then they have lost the privilege of visiting. Or restrict the visitation to when you or your dad are there.
If there are unwanted gifts that appear then you can donate them to a local shelter and let the shelter know where the gift came from so they can send the thank you card. (ok maybe that is a bit passive aggressive.but they would get the hint)
The woman your dad is dating I am sure has no plans to "replace" your mom.
Your sister is old enough to know the difference.
She wants "normal" in her life so does your dad.

I suppose the important thing is...How much does your mom understand?
Would she understand if she is told by one of these people that your dad is dating? If she would understand how will she react?
If there is a possibility that she would find out and if she would understand then either restrict visitors or your dad needs to talk to her and let her know that he has found someone that he can talk to , go to dinner with, go see a movie. This information should come from him not some busy body who is on a mission to make your dad look bad.

((hugs)) to you, your mom, dad and sister.

Bless you for being a caring sister and daughter. A close friend had a mother in SNF with early onset Alzheimer’s. She lived 20 years after placement and her husband visited daily. He also had a relationship with a close friend of his wife. She too visited the wife daily to feed her lunch and monitor her care. I know this because my mom was a nurse at the SNF.

I don’t know what kind of comments or disapproval their other friends or community made but her family welcomed the relationship for what it was, love and companionship for two people who had lost their spouses, whether to disease or death and who both deeply cared for my for friend's mother.

I hope these people are not mean enough to say things to your little sister. And I hope you and your dad can explain to her why they are acting this way and how to handle it. If it keeps up you might need to get a lawyer involved, something about libel, defamation, restraining order, etc might cause them to back off.

I also hope you will be able to use some of the great suggestions here and be able to turn the other cheek. At the least mutter something about "glass houses" or "throwing stones" next time you encounter these nasties!

It seems these "friends" have different expectations of your family life than your family does. AND, they feel they need to impose their expectations for your mom and your family on everybody else. It really is none of their business. They can disagree on your family's lifestyle but they really do not have the right to change it - unless anybody's life is in danger. Sounds like that is not a problem. Your dad can limit your mom's visitors. He can also ask that "gifts" be stored in a separate location for him or you to decide on their uses.

I feel sorrow reading your post; so many people suffering loss and trying to put "normalcy" back together. Whether or not your dad "dates" is his business. If you or he are worried about implications, talking to a family lawyer about his relationships and legal obligations may help sort out the "dating while married" issues. If you both belong to a faith group, talking with a counsellor of your faith group may help as well. It really is a matter of what is loving and kind for all parties involved.

I am so sorry for what you and your family is going through. It is wonderful that your family is close and the person who your father is dating is willing to do what she can, not only for him but also for you and your sister. She knows the situation yet chooses to commit herself to a relationship with all of you. She must be a very special lady. There is nothing wrong with what your father is doing as far as dating her and it is no one else's business. Could some of these well meaning "friends" be jealous that your dad has begun a relationship with someone and it wasn't them? You cannot change judgemental people, the holier than thous, that know all and attack others either directly or even worse behind their backs. If confronted by one if the "hens" look them in the eye, plaster a smile on your face, and thank them for their concern. If they attempt to give you a list of what they perceive to be your father's shortcomings, with the same smile, interrupt their tirade, and state again thank you for your concern but I do not discuss personal family affairs, turn and walk away. In this way you have just shut them down, refused to give them anymore gossip or information to use, and put them on notice that you will not be a source for their poison.

You're going to break down every now and then it's part of the grieving process. Your mom is no long the same person, she's someone else. It doesn't mean that you love her any less, or that she doesn't love you (I'm a firm believer that love doesn't die) but for all intents and purposes her brain is broken and there is no way to "fix" it. It's akin to a person's death without the closure.

Have you been to any support groups or counseling? Not sure if you are working or still at school. College campuses have counseling programs at the school. If working, does your company offer some sort of an ehap (employee health advisory program)? You can get up to a certain amount of free counseling visits thru them. They can also point you to available support groups that could help.
Hugs to you and your family for all you've gone thru and the journey that is still to be traveled. Continue to love and support each other, keep us updated on how things are. This forum is a lifesaver, I have learned much from those who have walked this path before me.

“Until death do us part” means something different today w dementia.” Death of the body, the brain? Your mother needs support, and I presume your father is providing that. Let him be happy.

Dump these people. Tell them to bugger off and DO NOT bring your mother anything but flowers. You can have them banned from visiting. My husband also has Frontal temporal dementia and went into full time care one week ago. His family have been absolutely poisonous with one of his brothers reminding me of my marriage vows. You and your family are doing the heavy lifting no them.

The judgmental people will understand once they go through it themselves.

You are a young woman with so many life experiences that you have yet to go through. One of those is nosy, judgmental busybodies who think it’s their right to interfere, comment, and pass judgment on how you live and whether you are allowed to have certain relationships. You will NEVER change them. You need to ignore them and if necessary, remove them from your life AND that of your mother’s as it becomes necessary. You sound like a very mature and caring young lady and like many of us, doing the best you can with a terrible situation. Let the guilt go, and do what you need to do for you, your little sister, and your mother & father. Keep us posted and if you need advice, there are many many smart people on this board that can offer help. We’ve all learned via the school of experience...
Best wishes. Take care of you!

This is a horrid disease! People can be so cruel. It's hard not to listen to them. Prayers sent to you.💞💞