Hi,
Long time since I posted. Mom's dementia getting worse...hallucinations, paranoia, delusions are happening everyday now....I am her POA/son, live with and take care of her in "her house"...I have letter from doctor and on her medical records claiming she is now incompetent. She is not receptive to outside help in her home. Thinking towards the future now and I would like to know what powers does a POA grant you to place mother in a nursing home/memory care against her will? I am understanding this is kind of hard to do even with POA because it is "her house". I have dual POA- medical/financial and letter of incompetence. Thanks.
That means that she has relinquished her right to determine what she is entitled to be or not be “receptive” to.
One of the most painful phases of caring for my most recent disabled LO was that gray-area period of time when she knew she desperately needed help, but wouldn’t accept it.
When she finally realized that she herself was too frightened to live in the house where she’d been born 89 years before, I was able to cajole her into spending a “trial” week in a very beautiful AL about 2 miles from my home.
First order of business is to break out your PoA document and read it to see what authorities have been granted, just to refresh your memory.
If the criteria for activating your PoA power has been met with a single diagnosis of incapacity, you will need to figure out how to physically get her into MC. If you have a place picked out (and you don't have to have buy-in from your Mom -- it's too late for that now)... you can consult with the admissions admin person since this is a common problem and they can give you pointers and ideas.
If she is very agitated it may help to get her on some meds for this, since this may make her transitioning go more smoothly (if she cooperates in taking the meds). If not, this is a therapy available to her once in residence.
Another option is to call 911 and tell them she's hallucinating and needs to be tested for a UTI (and she's uncooperative). Once in the ER you can work to have her taken directly to a facility from the hospital (but you have to have this placement arranged first).
Or, you try to create a therapeutic fib that she accepts, like: the house has an infestation and we need to go to a temporary apartment for a little while as they treat the house. Then the staff is in on this and will help her transition.
But if you wish to keep her in the home longer, you don't have to have her accept the outside help. If she's in her own house, she has to let them in (or they let themselves in) and she it can't wind her up thinking strangers are invading her home. You can tell her the people are there to help YOU take care of the house, etc. Whatever she accepts. However, if she has memory impairment, you'll have to go through this hoop continually. It's up to you.
The caregiving arrangement has to work for both the giver and receiver, so you do what works for you without burning you out, yet keeps your Mom cared for. Sometimes it boils down to the "least bad option". I wish you all the best as you work through this next phase with her.
Many of us have LO"s who have NOT been deemed incompetent, but who should NOT be living alone, won't go into care and demand that family 'do' everything for them.
If you POA and the letter, start scoping out AL's for mom. Take your time.
You could spend an hour with an eldercare attorney who could guide you in the process so you don't do anything 'wrong'.
It's good to plan, b/c if you don't, the sneaky thing called 'time' suddenly catches up with you and you're not prepared to make the moves necessary. People often wind up having to place a LO in a facility that isn't a good match for their person.
Are you on the deed to the house or are you just living there? That is going to be your biggest bugaboo in this. You may have to sell the house--IDK, every state is different in their rules about that.
Better to plan when your head is calm and it's not an immediate need.
I'm sorry mom isn't receptive to outside help. My MIL is the same way and it has been a huge nightmare--she fires everybody who comes in the door.
My DH is my MIL's POA and while he has the 'power' to place her, he will never, and I mean NEVER do that. He'd move in with her before he'd put her in a home.
I wish you luck.