He's still interested in sex, but the hygiene issue has turned me off completely. I've tried suggesting showers and brushing his teeth but often that leads to arguments. Other behaviors are easier to handle. This one is tricky.

If you are only having sex to appease him and you are forcing yourself to go through with it, I wouldn’t have sex with him.
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Reply to Hothouseflower

Hygiene issues can be a difficult issue in a relationship. It is important to openly discuss this topic with your partner and try to find a compromise solution. It may be helpful to find out why he has difficulty maintaining good hygiene and work together to find ways to resolve the problem without conflict.
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Reply to RigoboMaldo
Geaton777 Apr 26, 2024
From the OP's profile, her husband has:

"alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, depression, and incontinence."


"There is no chance of talking about it."

Her husband is no longer capable of having a reasoned discussion that would require him to have empathy for her. This is what dementia does to people.
I think the first ? Would be is do you want intercourse, but if he showers, or if your just appeasing him in general.

Some people with dementia get hypersexual.

If it's a yes then the advice of showering together is good.

If it's a no then you don't have to shower or no shower
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Reply to Anxietynacy

Have sex in the shower? Lathering up as foreplay?
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Reply to Geaton777
sp196902 Apr 18, 2024
The man has dementia. I find it hard to believe she is still sexually attracted to him with her descrioption of all his issues in her profile.
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My first thought was simply say " No shower, no sex", and if that doesn't work to just simply say "No" and then distract him with food , a tv show , and maybe eventually he would stop asking.
But I also had other ideas.
What if you told him the doctor says he has to shower before sex since older couples are prone to UTI's ?
Or ...Do you think he would shower before sex if you showered along with him ?
Would you be comfortable with that? Or maybe not, if you think he would likely refuse washing once you got in the shower and he would want to immediately "get busy" ? Only you know what you are comfortable with. You also know your husband , we don't.

It's also Ok to totally give it up and say 'No" if/when you would rather abstain completely. That's up to you. If I was in your shoes, I would probably just say No and try to distract him since he's at the point that his inability to understand leads to arguments. But again, I'm not you and I don't know your husband. Only you know what is best for you.

Regarding showers in general, you could try hiring a male aide to come a few days a week. Also if you haven't already done this .....try telling him "It's time to take your shower" rather than asking him to take a shower.
Good luck.
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Reply to waytomisery
waytomisery Apr 17, 2024
If you decide to try any of these ideas. I would be curious if anything worked, because like Alva said, if the lure of sex won't get a man to shower , what will?
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If you have sex with him and he is incontinent that can give you UTIs and other bad infections from fecal bacteria entering your vagina. So daily showers are a must plus a shower before sex or forget about it.

You are both in your seventies so with his incontinence and other unpleasant behaviors due to his dementia I would just stop having sex with him altogether at this point.
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Reply to sp196902

No shower, no sex. Nothing tricky about it.
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Reply to MeDolly
waytomisery Apr 17, 2024
And if this does not work.

Just simply say "No"
Your husband has Alzheimer's/dementia, so a decreased interest in hygiene and an increased interest in sex is typical. Hire someone, preferably a man caregiver, to bathe and shave him 2x a week, and if he refuses, you refuse to be touched. Move out of the bedroom and lock the door. If his sexual desires become unmanageable, call his doctor for calming meds. ISB or Inappropriate Sexual Behavior is common with the dementias.

You matter too, please don't forget that in your quest to care for him!
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Reply to lealonnie1

I don't know, if the lure of "sex" doesn't work, what will?

I think you need to make it clear you aren't going to bed with a dirty man. Not literally dirty, anyway.
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Reply to AlvaDeer

That's easy. Tell him to clean himself up, or forget it.
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Reply to Dawn88

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