My mom moved in with us almost 3 years ago. She broke up with her partner and had nowhere to go. It is ruining my marriage and my life. She only gets a check for $1200 a month. She is on medicare and ahcccs. She never leaves the house and is difficult. She doesnt drive and although she doesnt have dementia she has memory issues and cant keep control of her money or appointments. What can I do? Who can I get help from?
Its hard to explain how she is. My husband and daughter and I all work fulltime and live a very simple life. I order groceries online, also order pre-made meals. My house stays pretty clean but she does wipe the counters down and does her laundry. She pays me $450 a month and some separate things like diapers etc.
She makes no effort to initiate anything. I'm tired and exhausted trying to get her to do things but I honestly have no desire to take her. She talks down to me in a sarcastic way. I mentioned her living somewhere else and after crying she asked what could she do? I said go out! Anywhere anytime with anyone but me. She said 'I'll take care of it" that was a week ago and no word or effort. I've mentioned senior citizen centers etc but I just don't have the energy to look into all this crap for her. She flat out wont do it or truly forgets. I just need a break from here day in amd day out. In home care came after a hospital visit (dehydration caused confusion) and they said she doesn't need any services.....so I now realize it's not that she can't, it's that she won't or won't admit she can't. So frustrated and I'm totally nonconfrontational with her. We used to be close but this situation is causing me to hate her.
I'm sure reporting these neuro exams varies - I have only seen one neuro report. It was very detailed & backed up what family already saw.
It noted the tests & results of specific skills: processing information, short term memory, spacial skills + many more areas.
It then noted how these would directly effect activities of daily living (ADLs) and especially incidential (iADLs).
In that case, depite good vocabulary, good word finding & only mild impairment to short term memory, it was reported the man had deficits that impacted many areas of his daily life & would impact his safety if living alone. Daily supervision was highly recommended. Based on results, the man could be expected to manage small day to day spending, but not larger financial transactions. Not deemed competent to buy/sell property or manage investments. Supervised medication management was recommended + assistance when out in the community. (Almost like an older child/young teen level).
That man had been refusing to move. Refusing to hire help. Refused to keep & manage any help arranged for him.
He wouldn't. Because he *couldn't*.
HUD has apts in my area. They ask for 30% of your monthly income. That would be $360 for Mom leaving $840 to live on. She could get meals on wheels. Food stamps. A free phone with minutes. Looks like she can't afford an Assisted Living? Not ready for Medicaid and LTC but if she has Dementia you can try and get her in LTC. A group home where they take her SS.
Have you told her 3 years is long enough to find a new place? If she does nothing but stay home all the time, why does she need to live at your home? She can live elsewhere. You can try calling APS and get her evaluated. Does she contribute rent? Food? Housework? She probably thinks she has her retirement plan totally set, living off you this long without you complaining.
Start the ball rolling by asking her what her plan is after 3 years? You didn't agree she could live off you forever, did you? She was basically a low income senior, and your place was temporary after her breakup. You did not agree to house her for the rest of her life, did you? She can apply for various programs, Food stamps, etc. If she sits all day, she needs to get up off her behind and apply to programs.
I take it you work full time? Husband too? Any kids? Sounds like a "Come to Jesus" discussion is long overdue. I hope she has been paying her fair share the last 3 years. Better get her out before she gets older and sick. Then you will be stuck. Otherwise you will have to move to get her out, or evict her. Hopefully she will cooperate with getting her own place.
The HOW you get Mom to move out will be you having to make it happen.
I would start with a medical assessment. A short cognitive screen test to start. Further neuro testing (lengthy & costly) may not be needed if the Doctor recommends a supervised or assisted living environment straight off.
Private Assisted Living homes are expensive. Does your local council have an aged care service? Or licenced Social Worker that can help lay out the options?
The task is trying to get her to agree to go for testing . Try her primary doctor first , go from there to neurologist if warranted . Let the doctor know ahead of time the concerns. Can’t keep track of money , appts , memory problems, difficult . Tell Mom she needs an annual physical per Medicare.
Best of luck to you.