My wife and I are the last of the siblings to retire and have both recreational travel and travel to see our grandkids planned. My older siblings have been traveling 2-4 months every year on and off for the last several years (pandemic excluded).
Last year, two siblings were the only ones in town when my mother fell and landed in hospital (a rare occurrence for her). They were overwhelmed and now want vacation to be scheduled so that two people are in town at all times. To put this in perspective, within two days of the hospitalization, the out of town sibling made a special trip to town (so three in town) and within four days one sibling returned from vacation (so four in town). I was also remotely working through the requirements so she could return to her ALF (so all five of us working the problem in one way or another). Despite this, the original two felt that the numerous hours they spent are asking too much. So obviously if we had been scheduling vacation so two people are always in town it would have resolved nothing.
My wife is livid with this situation. My wife is sole caregiver for her mother (in IL) and ends up dealing with hospitalization at least two times every year. Despite working 60 hour weeks she managed to be her mom’s health advocate in the hospital, keep in touch with what was happening to her, visit her regularly and research and arrange discharge needs (and look after her house when she still lived in her home). She can not understand how 5 retired people can manage to all find something useful to do that takes hours every day for one elderly person in hospital (who lives in ALF so no household chores to do).
So, despite being told there is no need because they already have the solution, I want to have my siblings agree to a family meeting to (calmly and respectfully) review what worked well, what didn’t, what everyone did during that hospitalization and how long each task took, and what everyone’s expectations are of what an individual is required to do when someone is hospitalized. If we can proactively address items or find items that can be completed online or by phone (to reduce travel time or allow people out of town to complete more of the work) I hope we can alleviate the stress both about the "what if it’s me alone" and at the actual time. I also want to either agree to modify expectations to be more realistic for a single person (since they are obviously not realistic even with all 5 of us involved) or at the very least agree that those who have expectations they will not let go of are agreeing to personally take them on and those who don’t will not be blamed for not meeting them.
Now how do I get them to agree to actively participate in a meeting with this type of agenda and expected outcomes?
Your Mom is in an AL. She should be depending on staff for her care. My Mom had Dementia so I needed to be at the ER when she fell to communicate with the Doctor. After 4 months and 4 falls I told the staff not to call an ambulance until they talked to me. Not ine time did she hit her head or break a bone. They said "she complained about pain" "Of course she did, don't you have pain when u fall". Told them I would deside if she needed to go to ER and be responsible if I said No and she should have gone. Give her time to see if she really did something.
There is really no caring once a person is in an AL. That is the staffs job. Mom is getting 3 meals a day, is safe and cared for. The only responsibility family has is maybe making sure she has her favorite snacks. Depends if she uses them. Favorite toiletries. Visit when they choose to. Laundry and cleaning of room is part of room and board. I think ur siblings are being a little over the top.
Too many cooks spoil the broth, ever hear that saying? Apply it in this case and go have yourself a nice vacation while the rest of the siblings fight this nonsense out amongst themselves.
I think that once an elder is in ALF people get on with their lives. If there is no one in town then the calls are made to the POA, and then the second and then the third, and whomever can field this does. That is for an emergency. These things just can't be planned out and running your life and other siblings lives around contingency plans for what MIGHT happen just doesn't make a lot of sense to me.
I sure wish you the best and if you all get together and agree on ONE PLAN I both wish you the best of luck with it, and congratulate you. I hope you'll update us.
I had a workmate like this.. expected me to always check in before requesting my family leave days, in case it didn't suit HIM - as he may be needed to take time to mind his own kids when his wife chose to be available for her casual job. Cra-crazy or what!!
Livid? You bet!
"..the original two felt that the numerous hours they spent are asking too much".
Umm. I am confused. Unless these two are headless chickens, I'm sure they had the skill to figure it out, be advocate for Mother, bring in a few clothes etc.
Are they the 'Hospital Visit =Must sit vigil day & night' types? Wore themselves out with worry? (I know some like this..)
If not panics or worriers, then what? Is rolling up the sleeves for a few days so inconvenient? Wreaks their karma? Or do they feel it should be someone else's job?
I usually have more positive things to say about siblings choosing their own right to say no, help as much or little as they wish etc. But it feels here like some siblings wish to control your life to ensure their life is made more comfortable. Please tell me I am wrong!
Travel away! Send an outgoing group text if you wish, for curtosey. Enjoy.
But as for asking permission to take your own holidays? "No, that does not work for us" says it all.
Before you call a family meeting you and your wife need to be clear about how much time you plan to devote to Mum.
It is highly unlikely you will get any sort of consensus. Your siblings will counter with they have been busy looking after Mum for X number of years and now it is your turn. They will turn a blind eye to the fact you were working and they had several years of retirement while Mum was hale and hearty where she needed no care nor supervision.
Who has POA over healthcare? This person should be arranging to hire help for Mum.
Who has POA over finances? This person should be using Mum's funds to pay for the help.
Why on earth does it take multiple people to attend to Mum when she is in the hospital?
yes before I move my mother here resulted in her go to the ER, assistant living called ambulance, my mother had to be at the hospital by herself but she was fine. And it was a quite a pricey ride back from the ER to the assisted-living. But that’s also why you paid the big bucks at assistant living so she can be cared for
We started out dividing duties: I was to take care of medical care, one sister was to handle his banking, etc., the other was to cook his dinners. The brother is in California and really doesn't do anything. But we forgot about keeping up the house. The other two let it fall to me alone.
I came up with what I thought was a very good plan to have them share in taking care of the house and yard and they ignored it. My point is that you can plan all you want and it may not work out the way you think it should.
My suggestion is to step away from trying to organize this and hire a geriatric care manager to sit down with all of you and come up with a plan centered around your mother. From what I've read, they have the expertise to assess the social and medical realities and pull together resources you may not know about. Apparently they are expensive but most work by the hour. A neutral and experienced third party might make all the difference. I wish I'd known about it.
In the end, there may be no pleasing your siblings outside of you yourself doing the hands-on care, so let them know what your solution(s) is to prevent the others from being burdened in your absences.