My mother was recently diagnosed with dementia about a year ago and my dad recently passed away 6 months ago which made her dementia worse. The doctor also took her license away about 3 months ago. I have two older sisters that live about 2 1/2 hours away and I am the only daughter in the city where my mother is. Since my dad passed away I moved in to help my mom cope but I have also became the primary caregiver for her. I drive her to the grocery stores and doctors appointments about 2-3x a week. We also hired assistance to pick her up twice a week during the day while I am at work.
The problem I am facing is that when I ask my sisters for more help they either get angry or tell me to ignore my moms requests for wanting to constantly go out. They basically say there is nothing they can do. My one sister has not been home since August and the other one comes home about once every two months. When they do come home they only stay for a few hours and never ever pick my mom up and bring them to their place to stay. They have more than enough room two huge homes. I feel like they don’t care and can’t handle my mom's situation and has left the burden on me. Every time I ask for help to come home often they get angry and defensive. My one sister does not work and I feel she could be here more often helping. The only support they offer is paying her bills. I’m kinda frustrated because I need to move on with my life and start a family and get married. I feel like this burden has been left on me.
Jan
"she goes around telling people she was abused as a child just to make herself look like a victim."
Wow. This is why people don't talk about abuse. Were you with your sister 24 hours a day, throughout every step of her life? I was a victim of molestation by my brother and nobody in my family can believe that the favorite member of the family did this to me. He is, and always will be a hero in everyone else's eyes. Only he and I know the truth. Please don't ever question the validity of someone who claims to be victimized. You can't truly know the truth of what happened to her. It certainly isn't kind to shame a possible victim when you don't know the truth. People do lie about some situations, but if a person were to make up stories, this would be a person who needs serious help—at least show some sensitivity towards her.
To caring12s
You also cannot understand why a person will not help out with parents. In my case, my parent with dementia was neglectful and abusive. Not everyone lives a happy life and many siblings are treated differently because of parent bias. You may not have been aware of it during your life or seen the difference in how some of your siblings were treated when growing up. Be grateful that they are helping with money. That's a good thing. A lot of people don't even do that. I'm a caregiver that has been shunned and shamed because "I didn't do enough" when those accusers lived out of state and did absolutely nothing. I did something for years. They neglected our parents in the past and now when I have taken a break from my parent's abuse, they criticize me again. There are always unknown factors in any relationship and being bitter and resentful is not a way to get anybody to help out.
I have 5 other siblings, and we were all treated differently. My mother played favorites, and I was not one of them. One of my sisters took care of our mother for a very long time, and my mother was nasty, difficult and demanding. I personally think my sister was a saint for dealing with her for all those years!
I was asked many times over the years (by my siblings who were off living their lives) why I was not helping my sister more with our mother's care. My mother was never there for me growing up, she destroyed my self-esteem, and physically abused me! My life was pure hell growing up! I was the only one brave enough to stand up to her later in life, and held her accountable for what she did to us! In the last few years of her life, she made an attempt (in her own way) to repair our relationship, but it was too late, the damage was done. I helped my sister whenever I was able, because I felt bad for my sister, not because I wanted to. I am now grieving for what I never had. I had a bizarre love/hate relationship with my mom, and I never understood why I just didn't completely cut her out of my life, but I just kept hoping that she would give me a sincere apology. In the end all I got was her getting angry and telling me that she was an excellent mother...HA!!! Thank goodness that I learned from the experience, because my daughter and I have a loving, close relationship.
Please remember that not all siblings are horrible because we distance ourselves from our parents. Many of us have perfectly good reason to! Yes, some siblings are selfish and self-centered, but not all. If you were a victim of abusive parenting, my heart goes out to you, because it is one of the most heartbreaking situations to be in. After our parents gone, the scars remain. Blessings to all the amazing caregivers out there!
needs are only going to increase over time and her mobility will decrease so it’s important that you firm something up ASAP. Maybe your mom goes to stay with each of them for 3 months straight? She could see doctors in their city. Good luck.
Meet got together with a elder care attorney for an hour appointment. At that meeting he took charge and told us to stop focusing on all the little things. We decided at that meeting that there would be no judgement, no expectations of each other’s contributions. Our Dad did nothing to plan for his future and he put us in this mess.
We are now not criticizing each other. We are siblings that unconditionally love each other. Each of us have our abilities and reasons for what we can or cannot do.
It is working for us. No one can say what others should do.
Just love hearing this... I think you said this before—if you did, I loved it before. This is how things should be in every family. Some people are better at some things than others.
"We decided at that meeting that there would be no judgement, no expectations of each other’s contributions. Our Dad did nothing to plan for his future and he put us in this mess.
We are now not criticizing each other. We are siblings that unconditionally love each other. Each of us have our abilities and reasons for what we can or cannot do.
It is working for us. No one can say what others should do."
Instead of asking for their help, you might be a little more direct.
1. Start by stating that you plan to be away ~ no explanations or justifications, just the statment of when you'll be away. Do this with enough time to give them an opportunity to prepare.
2. State that you all need to look at options for mom's care while you're gone and that they'll need to let you know what they are willing or able to do to help mom through your absence...
3. This is NOT for you, but for your mother and she is the mother of all of you.
4. Operate from the premise that they care, but do not have to do more than they are doing because you are handling everything, and even if you complain, they can ignore your complaints and go on about their lives, which is their priority... We are not judging them, just being aware of how they are handling their priorities...
5. IF they tell you to do what you need to do, that they have no suggestions, then the next step is to outline that mom would need to go into assisted living for respite care, and that right now the cost would be... $___ and how do they want to cover that cost?
6. The conversation will then turn to finances and often times when siblings don't physically participate in a parent's care, they do step up with financial support... as you stated, they pay her bills...
7. Make sure you do get away as you stated you would, and then the conversation can be followed up with what will work for mom going forward... This may encourage the discussion regarding long term care, financial planning, visitation, etc. While respite care is short term, it can often lead to the long term care needed...
8. As was recommended previously, see what you can then do to move out on your own so you are not as consumed with the daily care and responsibilities for your mother.
9. This is about setting and maintaining healthy boundaries, first with your mother and then with your sisters... They are used to you handling everything, so making the change to let them know that this is no longer acceptable, a conversation regarding mom's care has to happen...
10. No guilt, no judgments, just lay out the facts... Focus on creating the best life you can given the realities of your mother's needs...
Wishing you ease...
I have done most of this and agree 100%.
It might be the time to have a "family talk"
Tell your siblings that you can not do it all and that the option will be to find a place for mom. Assisted Living now might work then a move to Memory Care. Or go directly to Memory Care if that is appropriate.
I am sure that once this subject is brought up either they will find a way to help out more or you can all go tour Memory Care facilities now.
This will take the burden from you as well. Once placed mom will be in a safe secure environment and you call all become daughters again not caregivers.
Yes it will be an adjustment for mom as well as you. But this is a disease that progresses and the necessary help will only increase. The important thing is mom is safe and in a place that will be able to accommodate her needs as she declines.
I am in the same boat, 3 sibs who live between 1 & 8 hour car ride from our widowed Mother but they don't feel the need to visit often (every few months..and the ones living the farthest don't work.
Our parents were inseparable and on the go, yet when Dad passed on suddenly 4.5 yrs ago Mother went into assisted living they didn't seem to see the void..of companionship and more importantly transportation (Mother can't drive).
My sibs even complain that by me trying to see Mom 2-3 afternoons per week that I am setting a dangerous pattern.
Elder Aunts/Uncles have told me if the sibs can't appreciate Mother enough to spend the time now while she still is communicative and ambulatory there is probably little I can do to change their minds and just know that I am doing what our Dad thought ALL of his children would do when they promised him to look after Mother. They will just have to live with the guilt when she's no longer talking or recognizes them.
You write that maybe they can't handle the situation. I think that is part of the issue with at least one sister of mine. I wish she would just admit it..not so I can gloat..but since I know Mother's routine maybe I could suggest a different way...i.e. take her for a car ride to see the scenery, structure exactly where you will drive her, play the CD I made of Mom's favorite songs, etc. Mother is quite calm and happy just to get out of the same 4 walls (and with music playing she doesn't repeat herself as much).
There are also mediators that perhaps you and your sisters can meet with to sort out some of this? Since Mother is in Memory Facility now the staff has been a great resource and stabilizing force..before it was me against them.
Hope some of this helps.
Yes, you need to get on with your life, you must be young if wanting marriage and a family. Your best option in my opinion is to move out, find mom a home caregiver if there are funds for that, or place her in a facility. It will be hard, but even if your twisteds were to help, living two hours away is a lot to ask. They have their lives too, and yours is what you make it.