How do I get over the fact my stepmom didn't let me know she was admitting my dad into memory care until 2 days before? I help every day.

Like it or not, he's her husband and he gave her POA. She gets to make the decision.

I have a feeling that she felt she was talking to a brick wall with you and your siblings, especially if you label her a narcissist.

What would it have taken for you to approve of her moving him? You living with caregivers and a dementia patient 24/7 in your own house? Did you offer that option? Did you actually experience that life at all? Trust me, it's overwhelming and exhausting.

Let it go. Your dad is going to get better care than he would have with any in-home caregivers, plus he'll be getting constant mental stimulation and socialization which is huge for dementia patients.

I assume you'll be free to visit him as you please, and it'd be nice if you try to treat your step-mother with some degree of compassion as well. She lived with and cared for your dad every day -- you didn't. It's easy to criticize when you haven't been the one shouldering the burden.

You will never know what it is like to care for someone with a Dementia 24/7 until u have too. Your life is not your own. And as we age, we just can't do it. Dementia is so unpredictable. A couple of hours doesn't really help when they have an accident and you have to clean it up and them to. When they become like a toddler and you need to do everything for them.

I agree, she didn't want to hear the negative. And with COVID I doubt if you would have been able to help move him in. Like said, maybe a room became available and she grabbed it. She really owes you no explanation. She is his wife who he assigned his POA. She has done what is good for him and her. MCs are private pay. The one near me was 7k a month and that was 5 years ago.

What she needs to do now is see a lawyer well versed in Medicaid to get their assets split. His split going for his care and when that is gone, applying for Medicaid.

I think your SM should not have blindsided you like that and had your dad placed in Memory Care without your knowledge 2 days before the actual move.

That said, helping out is not the same thing as being responsible for 24/7 care of a very sick elder with AD/dementia. Preferring in home care and actually doing it yourself 24/7 are 2 entirely different matters. If SM was a gold digger, she wouldn't place him in a super expensive private pay Memory Care Assisted Living community either, where his money gets sucked up like a vacuum, that makes no sense.

The best thing you can do is go visit your father in the memory care frequently and spend time with him there. Accept the decision that's been made and make the best of it, if possible.

I hope all this works out for your dad, above and beyond, and that he gets some great care in his AL.

Thank you so much everyone for your answers. It has been a difficult situation for many years now as many of you would already know dealing with AD. Having a stepfamily on top of it does make things more complicated. Having cared for my mom at the age of 22 (now I'm 57) full time before she passed has brought back many hard memories. Thanks again for all your input.

Since SM had PoA, there really isn't much you can do.

I would suggest, however, that you remain on good terms with her. If she can, as you said "turn on a dime"...you don't want to go visit dad one day and find she has changed visitation to NOT allow certain people.

And she can do this.

My guess (as I have done CG, for work and for my DH, she is burned out and exhausted from the 24/7 grind. "willing to help out" and "shouldering the entire burden" are two vastly different things.

Step family dynamics are really tricky.

From your step mothers perspective she was probably stressed out and burnt out from all the at home care and maybe wanted to just get him into a facility without having to manage conflict with yourselves at the same time. Doesnt make it right but can see how someone in high stress situation might do that.

Mind you at the same time her saying that she is in it for the money doesnt wash well. If she is a person that has been funded by him, is not putting much effort into his care and is then going to take all of his wealth, after putting him in memory care I think that is despicable.

Yes, we were willing and did provide hands on care. Not 24 hours a day, because she was his primary caregiver. She would not have allowed that in her home.
We have tried to talk to her about memory care facilities, home care, etc., but she will not sit down at a table to discuss. She usually walks around her home while speaking to us even when we ask her to join us...
The only fact I wished to have right now was day and time being admitted. With a 2 day notice, I wasn't even able to help him move in.
Thanks so much for responding. I appreciate the thought provoking questions. I realize in a forum like this it's hard to know the full situation.

Was your Dad being cared for in YOUR home?

You say that you and your siblings “preferred” in-home care.

Unless you had been caring for your Dad 24/7, you have no idea what it was REALLY like to do that care.

Anyone who wasn’t hands on, IMO, doesn’t get a vote.

I say this as someone who has both done 24/7 caregiving for a LO, as well as a daughter who does not care for my father’s wife, AT ALL.

I can only guess that the reason she didn't let you know any earlier, was because she probably figured you and your siblings would give her a hard time over her decision to place him. I can't say I blame her. She was the one living with the day in and day out of caring for a LO with mental decline. It's not easy, and not everyone is cut out to do it, and even though you say you were there every day, I'm guessing it wasn't for 24/7, so perhaps you need to cut her some slack, and rest in the knowledge that your dad will now receive the 24/7 care that he needs and deserves, and you can now get back to just being his daughter.

I just want to offer a different perspective - In my area good facilities often have wait lists and when an opening comes up you are given a very limited amount of time to accept or decline, and declining can put you back to the bottom of the list. And often caregivers like to consider a lot of different options, choosing one over the others doesn't necessarily make them manipulative. And finally - I often said that I was caring for my mother in order to preserve my inheritance and there was certainly a tiny grain of truth to that, but it really was not the main reason.

Were she "in it for the money" she would, like so many before her, care for him at home and as adequately as she could and depend more and more upon you. It strikes me that she may not have told you because she KNOWS what you think, and didn't want the argument. She is the POA. She took care of him while she could. He is now placed. That placement, given it is memory care, will eat away into his/their money quite quickly. Hopefully she has the good advice of lawyers to seperate out her funds she may need for her own care in future, from that of your Dad's.
You offered support once. That was fine, in fact just great. Offer it now as well.Visit your Dad. Know you are relieved of the in person care, as is your Mom. I wish you the best.

Step families are fraught with complex relationships and dynamics. Yours is a very common (yet still painful!) experience. You don't say how old your dad and step-mom are, or what behaviors precipitated him going into MC. Perhaps your stepmom, even with the hands-on help from family, was getting burned out? Technically as PoA she's not obligated to share this info, still it feels like a slap in the face. Question: if you had known farther in advance that he was going in, what would have changed? You still would not have the legal power to stop it from happening. Your dad knowingly made her his PoA. If he didn't realize he was marrying a gold-digger, I'm afraid that's on him. If it truly is all about the money for her, then she wouldn't be private paying for him to go into MC, which is hellaciously expensive. May you gain peace in your heart over this matter.

Were you and your siblings willing to enter his home and provide hands on care, 24 hours a day?

What were you expecting from “an honest conversation”? with her? What facts do you believe have been denied to you that she should be expected to provide?