I posted about my situation on Reddit, and got some DM's to seek help from this site.
Long and short of it my MIL is a difficult patient, and her Medcaid PRI does not make it easier to place her via her MLTC, she has been rejected.
We have exhausted all of our options, her issues are triggered based general medications have proven not effective.
She does suffer from some bouts of dementia related psychosis but it triggered based. Her doctors also are against the idea of putting some medications on her file as PRN.
Since I use to be an RN I offered to help with her care which was a horrible mistake. I have told my husband he will need to do the hospital method, but he refuses cause he does not want them to just place her anywhere.
I am at a loss, even her doctors are in favor of not placing her yet. We are well past the ideal I tried to explain we cannot do much we are already I debt paying for care since she does not qualify for much via medicaid yet. Which is another issue.
Yet we all knew she cannot be left alone but safety and supervision is not a covered need, or is wandering prevention.
My husband is getting caught with the ideal, and does not help his mother's medical team are filling his head with all the horror stories regarding nursing homes when it comes to difficult patients..
I use to work on the memory care ward before I got my ED position so I also have horror stories but issue is I am done, and we cannot force placement outside of taking her to the ER and letting them do their thing.
My husband is also not ready to navigate the emotional woes of placement and visiting. He cannot handle her asking to go home, he also dislikes getting phone calls constantly which is most likely what would happen. She is fine with us caring for her, but I am just burnt out and we cannot afford private pay, and medicaid is well medicaid.
I am done, we have a child also.
If you continue to bear a large part of the hands on propping up he will never see or realize how much she requires to be safe and cared for.
Tough situation for everyone involved. Best of luck finding a way forward.
Take all of her financial information to an Elder Lawyer and ask for assistance applying for Medicaid. They will tell you exactly what to do and how to do it. Things may need to be sold, money placed in a trust for her care, etc... Find a memory care facility close to your home, so your husband can visit her as often as he likes.
You can do this!
I wonder if the approach you can take is to ask him if his mother is a good parent. His immediate response will be, "Yes, of course!" Then...
Ask him whether he would expect your children to lose themselves in taking care of either of you when you get old.
Ask him if he would want them to risk bankrupting themselves to take care of you.
Ask him if he would want them to neglect your future grandchildren in favour of taking care of either of you.
Ask him if he would want them to risk their marriage by asking more of their partners in taking care of either of you and risk their partners getting burnout in the process.
Ask him if he thinks that's what his mum really wants for him. Or what she wanted of him 20/30 years ago.
If not, then she's clearly no longer able to think rationally on the subject.
Would he want his children to lose good years of their lives in taking on more caregiving duties than is sustainable because he could no longer think rationally and would only behave appropriately when he got what he wanted?
Finally, ask him how you will both be able to provide for your old age if you spend all your money on his mum.
How will you be able to help your children, if all the money is spent on Grandma?
You need to be present with the doctors next time and find out what they actually say, not your husband's interpretation of it. And you need to point out that you cannot keep up this level of care. You are burnt out and you are not rich.
You need to step back and be firm with your husband. Either that, or your relationship could be ruined.